All language subtitles for Putney.Swope.1969.DVDRip.XviD-VARiETY

Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet
Dr. Alvin Weasely.

Dr. Weasely is one of the most respected
motivational researchers in the country.

Harveys Beer has dropped 84%.

So Dr. Weasely will tell us how the
American public really feels about beer.

Dr. Weasely.

Beer is for men who doubt
their masculinity.

That's why it's so popular
at sporting events and poker games.

On a superficial level...

a glass of beer is a cool,
soothing beverage.

But in reality...

a glass of beer is pee-pee dickey.

- That's it.
- Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

"Pee-pee dickey?"

- We paid for that?
- $28,000, and we got off easy.

The man made some
very perceptive statements.

I got it.
"Make it big with Harveys Beer."

Big foam.
You get a big bang out of it.

Big, proud head.
It's big and it lasts long--

You know, you're about as subtle
as an elephant in heat.

That's great. We'll show an elephant
sipping Harveys Beer at the circus.

- It's obscene.
- Don't moralize, Elias.

- We're committed to Harveys Beer.
- I'm committed to myself.

Harveys Beer is
the worst beer in the market.

It's a loser. Get rid of it.

There are no losers.
Every product has potential--

It's a stiff.

No, no don't say that.
There's no such thing.

You're a stiff.

I'll not tolerate
your self-indulgence.

When your father comes in...

I'm gonna tell him
exactly what you've said.

Just because you were here
when my old man started this agency...

you know,
that doesn't alter the facts.

You've played so many sides of the fence
you don't know where the fence is anymore.

- I know my job.
- Oh, that's beautiful.

If it weren't for your father,
you'd be on welfare.

$60,000 a year,
and all you can do is wreck the joint.

He's right. He's not creative,
but he knows the rules.

And you gotta know the rules
before you can break the rules.

- Right.
- There's no respect anymore.

He's right, Nathan.
You did your tango 30 years ago.

Fascist!

Duck hunter loses his rifle...

walks seven miles to a cathouse,
knocks on the door.

The door opens, the madam says,
"Who sent you?"

He says, "In the '40s,
it was Judy Canova and Victor Mature.

"In the '50s, it was Christine Jorgensen
and James Dean.

"In the '60s,
it was Smith & Wesson."

That's it.

He was a nice guy.

Can you lend me five?

Our job is to manipulate the consumer
by arousing his desires...

and then we satisfy those desires
for a fixed price.

- Sounds familiar.
- It sounds familiar.

It's called advertising.

Yes?

Thank you.

Elias Sr.
just went through the lobby.

Well, let's go.

Let's go, Bissinger.

Our war toy account
is up 23% and a third.

Hey, Bissinger,
you better get hip to reality.

By advertising toy guns, you're
encouraging kids to enjoy violence.

You're only Music Director
around here, Swope.

What do you know about
the total spectrum?

- I know what I feel.
- What's that got to do with it?

- I think we should drop the account.
- How dare you!

Drop the account and show
the business community and the public...

that we're morally
and socially responsible.

- Groovy, let's do it.
- Thank you.

Putney...

I've been supervising the war
toy account for 1 2 years.

And let me tell you something.

Deny a young boy
the right to have a toy gun...

and you'll suppress his
destructive urges...

and he'll turn out
to be a homosexual...

- or worse:
- I'd rather have my son be a fag than a killer.

Your son is a fag!

You took him on the picnic hike,
I didn't.

Last year at Malibu,
only Jim was a fag.

Two weeks ago,
Steve and Ralph came over.

Yesterday, Randy came over.

There it is.

The fraught priest is on the road.
It's 3:00 a.m...

he's got a flat tire and it's raining.
So he goes up to this farmhouse--

We're grossing less
than $1 million a day...

and you're talking about
flat tires and farmhouses?

Get out of my life.

Good morning, Mario.

Good afternoon, Mario.

Every consumer has a small box
in his head.

Everyone has a soapbox.

A breadbox. A cereal box.

A shampoo box.

This box is the target...

of $46 billion
a year in advertising.

Now, there's only so much room
in each box...

and if we overload these boxes
with too much information...

they won't remember anything.

But...

if we use...

creative foreplay...

before we penetrate...

we'll...

Benefit.

Bypass?

Looks like...

Sounds like...

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

We'll never know.

- I'm going to the track.
- Have a ball, baby.

What do you think
of those cuff links?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

I'm the Senior Vice President,
so I'm the new chairman of--

Bullshit.

The corporate bylaws
make it very clear...

that the only way we can determine
a new chairman is by democratic process.

Paragraph 68 specifically states...

that nobody can vote for himself.

That's what it says,
so that's where it's at.

Vote for me, and I'll get you
into the Knights of Columbus.

Vote for me,
I'll give you 10% of the business.

25%.

Vote for me...

and I'll set you up
in Puerto Rico...

for life.

I got Puerto Ricans in my building.

Enough carcass.
Let's get the votes in.

How can we talk about
who's gonna be chairman of the board...

when my father's laying
dead on the table?

Why can't I be
chairman of the board?

Because you're a nitwit.

My father started this agency.
And you're not going to finish it.

Thank you, Valerie.

One for Elias.

Swope.

One for Bissinger.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

That's it.

One vote for Elias,
one vote for Bissinger...

nine votes for Swope.

Swope, you don't have to accept.

It's a terrible job.

Don't take it, Swope.

Take it easy, Nathan.
I've seen your cardiogram.

It's a mirage.

A man's been elected
and you voted for him.

We all voted for him.

Because we thought
no one else would vote for him.

Putney Swope is the new chairman
of this board.

And I will defend
that mistake with my life.

Congratulations, Putney.

It's going to be a pleasure
working with you, Swope.

You're gonna make
a great chairman...

if you stay in line.

My father would've
wanted it this way.

He dug you very much.

Your father was a horse's ass.

Yeah. But he dug you very much.

The changes I'm going to make
will be minimal.

I'm not going to rock the boat.

Rocking the boat's a drag.

What you do is sink the boat.

And there's no sense
sinking nothing...

unless you can salvage
with productive alternatives...

and, brothers, you can't change nothing
with rhetoric and slogans...

because if a man's really got
the truth in his pocket...

he doesn't talk about it.

He hangs it out on a shingle
where people can see it.

So, from now on,
the name of this agency is...

Truth and Soul.

- T.S., baby.
- That's right.

No smoking.

Nathan, you're a good businessman
and you're not a cop-out...

so I'm going to let you stay.

I want a contract that guarantees me
an expense account...

stock options, 22 weeks vacation...

a company car,
a box at Jay Stadium...

a percentage of the gross,
total creative freedom...

transplant insurance
and a no-cut clause.

- Nathan, you're corrupt.
- Thank you.

I've come all the way from Miles City
to ask you to be my woman.

It must be my new depilatory,
Superlip.

Superlip eliminates peach fuzz
and feminine whiskers.

Superlip digs deep down
into the hair follicle...

instead of just lopping
it off at the surface.

Cut! Cut!

I don't believe it. Again.

There's a bunch of lilies
shooting a commercial in our studio.

They must not know
about the recent transition.

Well, let's go take
care of business.

This chick's from nowhere.
So it's up to you.

lmprovise. Do something.

I've seen you work at Jones Beach
with Guy Lombardo.

I know you can pull it off.

Superlip. Shot 1.

Take 107.

- Action.
- Action!

Lady Beaver...

I've come all the way from Biloxi
to ask you to be my woman.

Wayne.

You do go on.

I have a malignancy
in my prostrate

But when you're in my arms,
it's benign

I don't feel it.

- What did you say?
- I am not going to say it.

- It is stupid.
- Cut.

Listen, sweetie,
I could be home writing my novel.

You could be playing Lady Macbeth
in some basement.

We're both here, aren't we?

That's okay.

Let's do it.

- Let's do it!
- Let's do it.

I have a malignancy
in my prostrate

But when you're in my arms,
it's...

Quitting time!

Get on out!

Yeah, no more taking pictures
of no jive cans and jive bottles...

and skinny-legged broads
with stockings on them.

Get on out of here!

We're gonna have some greasy fingers
and some chicken...

and all the beautiful things
that people have...

who have it. And you ain't got it.

So get on out. You understand?

We're not gonna take
any more of your jives.

'Cause we're Truth and Soul,
you understand?

Truth and Soul, 'cause we got it...

and we got a brother
that's gonna make it right.

We got brother Putney.

Okay.

Every single account pulled out.

I wish I had pulled out.
Too many dependents, baby.

It looks bad.

Swope, I think we're
still in the ball game.

Wing Soney just got off the elevator
and he's dying to meet you.

- Wing Soney?
- Wing Soney.

Wowee.

Hey, man, what's this thing?
Do-it-yourself Pearl Harbor?

He's Chinese, Swope.

I don't care what he is.
We're gonna get that account.

Let's go.

Wing Soney,
say hello to Putney Swope.

Mr. Swope, I'm not a happy chappy.

The agency that's currently
handling my merchandise...

is the biggest nosebleed in town.

Now, I have a new item...

and I dig to launch
it with a new outfit.

So let me tell you about
the Get- Out- Of- Here Mousetrap.

The Get- Out- Of- Here Mousetrap
is a unique breakthrough...

because after it traps a rodent...

it chemically cremates.

No flame, no noise, no mouse.

I invented it myself.

- Mr. Soney, you're not gonna believe this...
- Then don't tell me.

...but for the past six minutes...

I've been working on
a whole new approach to mousetraps.

Lay it on them, Nathan.

Columbus is on the Santa Maria.

The crew's Italian.

Columbus walks down
the gangplank...

and waiting at the bottom
is a middle-aged Indian.

Columbus knocks
the Indian on his ass...

and sticks the Spanish
flag in the ground.

And out of the bushes
comes a 75-year-old squaw...

with a cleft head,
and an ax in her back.

But the Indian starts to cry...

because he knows
he's going to be exploited.

Columbus puts his arm around the Indian,
points to the crew, and says...

"In exchange for your land,
I'll give you 50 guineas."

Cut to a shot
of a Get- Out- Of- Here Mousetrap...

tell him how much it costs,
where you buy it, and that's it.

It's the most fantastic
thing I ever heard.

Who's your shrink?

I dig it.

- I dig it.
- I dig it.

My mousetrap is yours.

You've revitalized me, Swope.

This way.

I'm a happy chink.

We did it, Swope. We did it.

- You're fired.
- Why?

That Columbus thing
is the worst thing I ever heard.

I thought it was brilliant.

That's why you're taking
the next elevator.

- Hey, you a messenger for T.S.?
- Yes, sir.

- From now on, use the freight elevator.
- Yes, sir.

I just heard about
the Get- Out- Of- Here campaign.

It's a trailblazer, Swope.

Your master conception
is a masterpiece.

Why, it's already a classic.

As far as I'm concerned,
you're my man.

I would like to discuss the possibility
of you handling my account. Would you?

I'm with the Audie
Murphy Toy Company.

We just came out with
a junior miss flamethrower...

that runs on ordinary
lighter fluid...

and next week, we're coming
out with a heavy-duty model...

for the back-to-college group. It features
an after-burner and five-second reloading...

with disposable propane cassettes.

I want to have nothing to do
with war toys or cigarettes...

and do something about your breath.

Tell me what you like.
I'll go out and make it.

I'll produce it, you push it.
You and me, Swope.

If you stiffs want T.S.
to do your advertising...

it's gonna cost you
a million bucks up front. Cash.

That's hallway robbery, Swope.

- That's an outrage.
- The price is right.

But I can't come up with
a million bucks in cash.

Me, neither.

Forget it, baby.

If your sales don't increase by 50%,
you'll get a complete refund.

- I'm in, Swope.
- Me, too.

- You and me, Swope.
- Don't forget me.

- Pit Stop deodorant.
- Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies.

Jim Keranga
of Watts, California...

is eating a bowl of
Ethereal Cereal...

the heavenly breakfast food.

Jim, did you know that Ethereal Cereal
has twice as much vitamin B...

as any other leading cereal?

Ethereal also has
the added punch...

of.002 ESP units of pectin.

No shit!

Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies.

Ground rules:

give us the name of your product,
what it's supposed to do...

then take a walk.

We don't need your ideas.
We don't need your advice.

And we don't need
lames in the hallway.

Lucky Airlines.

Introducing
Miss Redneck, New Jersey...

Eugenie Ferliger.

Eugenie is 23.

She's 5'4'',
and weighs 117 pounds.

She has blue eyes and blonde hair
with matching cuffs and collar.

Eugenie is a graduate of
the Sawbone/T-bone Diner in Redneck...

where she majored in philosophy.

She's a social worker
and her favorite hobby is emasculation.

Eugenie, in 25 words or less...

would you tell us what
your philosophy is?

Well...

I believe that everyone...

no matter their race,
creed or color...

should get a piece of the action.

A piece of the what, Eugenie?

- A piece of the pie.
- Right.

Confidentially, folks,
I never thought she'd get that line.

Oh, fuck off, Bert!

Everybody wants
a Dinkleberry Frozen Chicken Pot Pie...

and they'll do anything to get it.

Who did that?

You do that?

Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't do it.

Then what are you doing,
taking her temperature?

Boss, don't fire me. I got a wife,
three kids and a shuttling pony.

You should've thought of that before
you dipped your pen in company ink.

Oh, man, give me a break.
I'm in love.

All right, you get one more chance.
But she's got to go.

What do you mean, I gotta go?

That's right. Just 'cause you got a pair
of jugs don't mean you rule the world.

That's right.

- Mr. Swope.
- Clean out your locker.

Up yours.

Didn't mean to put down
your jugs, baby, but...

gotta protect my interest.

- Mark Focus is waiting in reception.
- Thank you.

Great window cleaner.
Don't drip and it don't streak.

But it smells bad.
Cleans good, but it smells bad.

As a window cleaner, forget it.

Put soybeans in it for protein...

and we'll push it as a soft drink
in the ghetto.

Lay a picture
of a Rhythm and Blues singer on it...

and we'll call it Victrola Cola.

- I think we got a winner.
- We better.

Or you and that jism are gonna be back
in that drugstore where I found you.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

If your lip was hip,
you wouldn't need no jip.

- Sell rolls, that is.
- How you sound?

I don't know, baby,
but wherever I'm sounding from...

I'm stacked up
and I'm gonna stay stacked up.

But I wanna know about this Putney dude.
And the faggot at the Traffic Department.

There's a blonde faggot
in the Traffic Department.

Next time he bends over
to pick up the paperclips, General...

I'm gonna sock it to him
right in his keister.

Does he like dudes?

I don't know, man,
but he's got a boss little round ass...

in them tight bell-bottom pants.
I know that.

Well, if you're tripping,
and you're going that way...

No, my johnson get hard, Jim.
It knows no discrimination.

Yeah, discrimination, huh?

No, my johnson get hard,
everything goes.

- Jism is okay, but you can can the trollops.
- Mr. Swope.

Mark Focus.

I did that for Hertz.

That's Colgate. That's a Nabisco.

- That's lBM.
- I've seen enough, Mark.

You're one of the best photographers
in the business.

Thank you.

This printout I'm working on
is perfect for you.

If it's me, it's $9,000.

$9,000? I just want a picture of
a light bulb with lipstick on it.

Make it $6,000.

Hey, man, it's going in the newspaper,
not an art gallery.

- $1,200 is the best I can do.
- Forget it.

$350.

I'll do it for nothing.
I need the work.

I can get anybody for nothing.
Take a walk.

Boss.

Who do you think you are,
Lawrence of Nigeria?

At least I ain't jive.

Big man.

Wanna have din-din?

Why have dinner?

I'm at 1 293 Lennox.

Apartment 4C.

I got to be straight with you, girl.
I'm engaged.

Keep it to yourself.

Swope...

I'm gonna bend your johnson.

I'm ready.

I'm gonna make you young again.

Where is Lopez?

- Where you at, man?
- Stratosphere, baby, stratosphere.

I'm stacked up over at La Guardia,
and I'm not coming down for nobody.

Not even you.

Mr. Swope.
Brother's in the black room.

- Putney. Putney!
- Brother's in the black room.

Sonny Williams, our copywriter,
just got busted at Radio City.

He was sitting in the first row
and when the Rockettes came on...

he opened and closed his raincoat
and exposed himself.

Bad PR.

Tell Sonny next time he shows it,
I'll make him a creative director.

Sonny,
if you don't straighten up...

we're gonna send you to Hollywood
as a choreographer.

Putney, we just sold 1 7 new accounts
and Cowboy says we have $156 million.

Mr. Swope,
Brother's in the black room.

Putney,
there's trouble in the black room.

Mr. Swope,
brother's in the black room.

Just you and me, Swope.

You and me.

I deal with housing
in the community.

Bad plumbing,
bad heating and bad rats.

The only way to set
this thing straight...

is with self-determination,
self-respect and self-defense.

We don't go for Jesus no more.
Violence is a cleansing force.

We must adjust ourselves
to the level of our audience...

which is pretty low.

Non-violence has proven
to be non-functional.

So, it's guns, baby.

The end result will be our own
political, social, economic future.

My organization is pro-integration.
We're not hostile like these other groups.

We can't do it illegally,
we'll do it legitimately.

- You know, up front.
- Tanks, cocktails.

Guns, baby.

The pigs must cease the brutality,
destruction and murder...

of our brothers and sisters.

Or they'll suffer the consequences
from the armed people of the community.

Bazookas. Tanks.

Flamethrowers.

My organization is pro-integration.
We're not hostile like these other groups.

- Lay some bread on it.
- Guns, baby.

A gun is not gonna get your job.

It'll eliminate the competition.

Who the hell wants a job?

- You better get yourself a piece.
- Lay some bread on it.

Lay some bread on it.
Lay some bread on it.

My group doesn't
need your money, man.

But what we can use
is your help on another level.

I believe...

that together with your power
and my structure...

we could create a subliminal tremor
throughout the land...

by using the advertising
that comes out of your toilet.

A word here...

a phrase there...

innuendoes...

and subtleties.

Lay some bread on it.

And when the time is right, man,
we move in for the kill.

- No mercy, stamp on the--
- What about the bread?

Tap City.
When my ship comes in, I'll call you.

You're a sham.

I'm gonna pull
the covers off of you.

You ain't pulling
the covers off of nobody.

...mixed media...

Hey, man.

You're just the cat I wanted to see, man.
I was looking all around for you, Jim.

Do you know what, man?

Like, I'm tired, I'm fed up,
I can't take no more...

I can't stand no more
of Putney Swope, man.

Like, he's got to go, man.

'Cause this cat is a jive cat,
you understand?

You know what, man?
Like, I have been jugging his old lady.

Do you dig this? And this cat
has never said nothing to me, man.

I have called him out many a times in
front of all the people around here...

who kiss this cat's ass, man.

I don't kiss his ass.
'Cause I call it like it is, man.

This man caught me with his woman, and
still, this cat can't get rid of me...

'cause I got the power,
you understand?

I got the power, I got the talent, and
I've got everything that this cat wants.

He keeps me around here because
I make him look good, you understand?

And I'm tired of making
this cat look good.

Are you ready to die?

Man, I'm ready to die.
I'm ready to go anywhere...

do anything, see anybody...

walk, talk, smart, be anything...

to do what I got to do, man. I'm died.
Died means nothing to me, man.

You know, I always wanted
to get things straight around here...

'cause Putney Swope
is a jive cat, man.

He can't talk,
he can't walk, he can't sit.

Man, this cat can't do nothing right.
He was voted in here on a hummer.

Mr. Swope,
I'm tired of doing commercials.

I wanna do something more creative.

- Pick up your severance pay.
- Why?

Did I ask you why when you said you
wanted to do something more creative?

Nope.

I feel like an Oreo cookie.

You like a pile of shit.

Are you putting me on?

- Where you been, Put?
- Mecca.

The man says he's the President
of the United States.

Yeah?

Putney Swope?

Yeah.

What do you mean, "yeah" ?
Be congenial.

I want to extend to you
my deepest congratulation.

It's very, very important
to have a boy like you...

in such a prominent position.

It's good for me.
It's good for you.

And it might keep the summers cool.

I like your style, Swope.

So I'm gonna throw some business
your way.

I never chase foul balls.

You are lot of laughs.

Next time I'm up in Big Town...

we'll get together
and shoot up or something.

What you want, man?

Mr. Six, the man who owns the Borman Six
is a friend of mine.

Take care of him. Quick.

Looks good. He'll come around.

Thank you. Excellent, Mimeo.

I like the way
you handle yourself on the telephone.

You're nobody's fool.
Except, perhaps, mine.

But I'm glad I chose you for this job.
You've justified my faith in you.

However, Mimeo,
there is one question.

This business about
shooting up in the Big Town.

After all,
a man in your position...

which is a rather
strange position...

you have justified my confidence
in having chosen...

such a big man for this assignment.

There are, however, one or two
points I would like to bring up.

After all, I'm sure Barnum and Bailey
wouldn't mind having you back.

So, please,
I suggest you be a little more careful.

Mrs. Mimeo, you play divinely.

Perhaps you would like to play
for me sometime.

Nice wife you have there, Mimeo.

It would be most unfortunate, would it
not, if anything should happen to her?

Don't worry, Mr. Six,
the Borman Six gonna be okay.

I hope you're right,
Mimeo, for your sake.

But now,
we have a moment of joviality.

We relax, you, Ruthie and l, we sit
down, we partake of a bit of grass...

I've got some good shit.

Tell me something, Mimeo, do you have
the new Maximilian Schell album?

I love rock 'n ' roll.

Perhaps The Electric Pygmy.

Ruthie, you're looking lovely as ever,
my dear.

From now on, if outsiders wanna talk
to me, they're gonna talk in my face.

No more telephones.
Too much communication.

If you take out the phones,
how are we going to conduct business?

- With your head and your soul.
- That's right.

That's unrealistic.

If you want reality,
I'm gonna put you back on the streets.

The dude's right.
We don't need phones.

I can get a message to California
quicker than you can make a phone call.

- How?
- The drum.

- Say what?
- The drum.

- What's that?
- Vibrations.

Out, O'Dinga. You're finished.

I heard you fired Mr. O'Dinga.

- How did you find out?
- The drum.

Hey, Lopez says
this place is crazy.

Who's Lopez?

- He's in my head.
- That's right.

I've been running this tree hut
just like it was run before.

Straight into the ground.

I've made a few innovations,
but not enough.

I have a feeling that there's
a lot of untapped talent around here.

So, beginning right now,
I want each and every one of you...

to conceive, write, produce and execute
your own campaign.

If you don't think you can
come up with something new...

then don't come up with nothing.

And if you don't feel
that you're the creative type...

then pitch in and help somebody else
with what they're doing.

Creative juices are flowing in my vein,
man. You've liberated my muse.

Picture a foxy chick
sitting on a park bench...

the camera zooms
underneath her dress...

and you cut to a train
coming out of a tunnel.

It's a commercial for
the Long lsland Railroad.

- Like, it's surreal man, surreal.
- Are you for surreal?

I don't have any ideas...

but it's good to know
that if I ever do...

I will be able to try them out.

I just came up with three names
for teenage skin creams.

No- Blem, Squeeze No, and Face Off.

- Get rid of him.
- Mr. Swope...

I think we should
do all our commercials in sepia.

And instead of having
coffee breaks...

- we should have watermelon breaks.
- Get rid of him, too.

Hey, here's a poem I wrote
when I was in jail.

"Life is about a relentless journey
to a path of oncoming screeching cars

"with headlights of boredom
and a bumper of social responsibility."

Mr. President, did you hear about
the woman who asked her husband...

to walk out to
the garbage can with her?

"Are you out of your mind?"
replied her husband.

"Not at all," replied the wife.

"I'd like the neighbors to know
we go out together once in a while."

Mr. President, did you hear about
the fellow who was 9'8 "...

and wore a size 22 shoe?

And do you know what he did for
a living? He stamped out forest fires.

Mimeo...

what is that?

The game warden
wanted me to throw it back.

But I put up such a fight
that they mounted it.

Mr. President, this fellow who went down
to Florida to do a demonstration...

- a benefit show--
- This is a real funny man.

- Funny man.
- In a benefit show. And they put up...

a special platform,
with a trap door.

Mimeo, who is this schmuck you have hired,
babbling in your ear, over and over:

"Mr. President, Mr. President" ?
What banality!

Mr. President.

And this fellow's show was so terrible
that when the trap door opened...

- if it wasn't for the fact...
- If you'd like a toke...

...he had a rope around his neck...

- ...he would have broken his legs.
- Come on, it'll put hair on your nose.

And he couldn't kick.

Yeah, he is funny!

Actually, when I think about it,
I knew he was funny.

Mr. President? Mr. President?

Mr. President?

Mr. President?

Hey, it's cold in here.
Throw another Jew on the fire!

Mr. President?

Mr. President.
There were three women in Florida--

Mr. President,
there were three women in Florida--

- He's like a stupid baby.
- Describing what once...

Mr. President.

Mr. President.

Mr. President.

It started last weekend

At the Yale- Howard game

Girl, I saw your beaver flash

I'll never be the same

Oh, no

You gave me a soul kiss

Boy, it sure was grand

You gave me a dry hump

Behind the hotdog stand

Oh, yeah

I used to have pimples

But I made them disappear

He faced life with Face Off

It made his skin so clear

A pimple is simple

If you treat your pimples right

My man uses Face Off

He's really out of sight

And so are his pimples

I just created a skin
cream called Face Off.

And I just come up with a whole new
concept for the Long lsland Railroad.

- I love you, baby.
- I love you.

- I love you, baby.
- I love you.

- I love you, baby.
- I love you. Did you take your pill?

You'll never know.

Is Mr. Swope in?

Uh-huh.

This is President Mimeo.

- Yeah?
- Putney?

- Yeah.
- Guess who.

- Marcus Garvey.
- Nope.

- Try again.
- President Mimeo.

- How did you guess?
- I used to be an exterminator.

You might be saying,
"I used to have an agency"...

if you don't get moving
on the Borman Six.

Why are you so hung up
on the Borman Six?

I'm a stockholder.

- Let me sleep on it.
- Good night, pal.

Out.

Swope. Mark Focus.

What do you want?

Did that for Hertz,
that's Colgate...

- Nabisco--
- I seen enough, Mark.

You're one of the best photographers
in the business.

- Thank you.
- Take a walk.

Mr. President?

Mark Focus.

I did this for Kennedy.

I did this for Johnson.

I did this for Nixon.

And this was the Agnell Funeral.

Have you a picture of Raquel Welch?

Would you like to join us?

Did you vote for me?

Well, it's okay.

Beach Club Sundae.

Come up with an idea
for the Borman Six.

I know nothing about automobiles.

Give me an idea for the Borman Six.

All right,
if I ever think of anything...

I'll let you know.

Did you think of something?

- The Borman Six, nitwit.
- Listen, Swope...

if you want me to come up with ideas,
get me a license.

Take me down to city hall
and do what's right.

- Forget it.
- You forget it.

Mr. Swope, congratulations.

What about the Borman Six?

Oh, all right.

- What are they going to feature next year?
- Defects, pollution, velvet safety belts...

- strobe headlights, fiberglass windshields--
- Okay.

You got to get
a young girl with soul.

You better get moving
on that freight elevator.

Sonny Williams got picked up
in the Bronx Holiday Inn...

with a 13-year-old girl.

At least he's not superstitious.

Your lawyer, who's his lawyer,
wants to be the prosecuting attorney.

Get Sonny Williams in here. Now.

Would you like to come over to my house
and have some dainties?

- I don't exercise.
- Don't put me down.

I can't sleep because of you.

That's why I've got these valises
under my eyes.

- I'm in love with you, Myron X.
- My name is Rufus.

I don't care what your name is.
You're my man.

- I'm not your man.
- Yes, you are.

I'm not your man,
and I never will be.

I don't care what you say to me.

You're my biggest fantasy.

I dream about you every night.

That's okay.
Just don't send me the laundry bill.

Putney says the Borman Six girl...

is got to have soul.

Putney says the Borman Six girl...

is got to have soul.

Putney says the Borman Six girl...

is got to have soul!

Got to have soul!

Putney says
the Borman Six girl is...

- Best shit on me.
- Yeah.

Excuse me, Mr. Swope,
could I speak to you a minute?

Sure.

Mr. Swope...

I do exactly the same job
as the other executives.

But I don't make
as much money as they do.

I don't think that's right.

If I give you a raise,
everybody's gonna want a raise.

And if I give them a raise, they'll
still be making more money than you.

And we'll be right
back where we started.

I'd never thought of it that way.

And that's why you get less money.

'Cause you don't think.

Thank you.

I believe this. This girl...

she's got to have soul.
Don't you believe this?

She's got to have soul.

Putney says she's got
to have soul. Right?

See, she's got to have soul.

Putney says she's got to have soul.

Don't you believe she's got
to have soul, this girl, huh?

Let's go. Let's go.

You can't eat an air conditioner.

Beautiful,
give everyone a $10 raise.

What about the messengers?

They charge an arm and a leg in there,
but it's worth it.

- What's that for?
- Worth It Life Insurance.

Will the passenger holding...

lucky winning ticket 5- 8- 6...

repeat, 5- 8- 6...

please report to the special lucky
prize room, at the rear of the aircraft?

Go Lucky Airlines.

- Who did that?
- You did. It was your idea.

Not bad, not bad.

We'll have 1 2 more by sundown.

I want these on
the air by tomorrow night.

Putney, in my humble opinion...

these commercials are tasteless.

Putney,
Myron X said you were tasteless.

You said we were gonna do things
with integrity and style.

What we're doing is worse than anything
our predecessors ever done.

Them commercials are literal,
and they're disgusting.

And by advocating such filth...

Putney is confusing
obscenity with originality.

Let me un-confuse you, baby.

Everybody that was
in these commercials, you fired!

Ain't one of them around!
And I know you a jive cat...

'cause you done made your last mistake
you ever gonna make, mister.

I seen that nonsense
you trying to show us here.

You trying to dupe
everybody in this joint.

Now, what is this? We done taken
the last bit of your nonsense, man.

I'm not gonna take all this crap.
Everybody knows you're a jive nigger.

You done pulled all this jive shit.

Your mother had a creative idea
when she borne you...

and you had to go and blow that!

Then you gonna come
and try to show us all this crap.

A nigger sitting up
there eating cornflakes.

Man, you ain't had nothing original
since you got here.

You stole the idea about Borman Six.
You got it from your wife!

Now you gonna tell me that's a lie?
One night, she told me herself.

And that little nephew who gave you
that idea for that other thing...

and you got rid of him.

Ain't nobody around
who help you in anything.

Everybody either been shut up,
cut up, or been put out.

Can't you see this trash
this man is trying to sell us?

Look at you in the highwater pants.
You jive nigger, look at you...

two-button suit?
Now what kind of suit is that?

You're supposed to be a soul brother.
Look at this brother's hair.

Everybody's dressed up like
pride and dignity. You ain't got none.

Now what kind of godfather...

This company
runs because I'm here.

And I'm going to hate you
if you don't get right.

And you ain't right, and I hate you.
I hate you, you understand?

I hate you because you a jive cat.
You ain't got nothing inside!

You got to go.

You got to go or I got to go,
and I'm not going.

How do you like that?
He ain't got a thing inside him...

he ain't nothing but a shell.

Hey, man, you better let me go!
I'm gonna get him!

Shit! Hands off me!

- Cut.
- Cut.

What do you think?

Keep the money, Swope.

But don't put it on the air,
or I'll be out of business.

- What's wrong with it?
- Too much tail-pipe.

Listen, you.
You lucky I'm pushing this death trap.

I don't play.
Goes on the air tomorrow night.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Making a delivery.

You better make it down the stairs,
and come back up the freight elevator.

- It's 36 flights.
- I don't care what it is.

Why do I have to take the freight
elevator? I'm not a package.

Because it's custom.

It's policy.

Love you, Walter.

I love you more than anything else
in the world.

- I'll see you later.
- I love you, Walter.

I love you too, Mother.

You know you're not supposed to serve
food without something on your head.

I don't want your hair in my food.

I told you a hundred times.

- All right.
- Get in the kitchen.

Honey,
I'm sorry about this sandwich.

That tile man's got the kitchen
so stacked high with tiles...

cook can't cook anything.

I'd send the damn tiles back...

but you know we're having
a dinner party on Friday.

You see, it's terribly difficult to run
such a big house, but then...

I really do think it's important
this house is run well.

And I'm not like, washing windows here.
I'm sort of...

...secretary in
a very old-fashioned way.

Mr. Swope, do you think
that your approach to advertising...

will encourage young people
to go into advertising?

- I hope not.
- Well, do you conceive your creations...

under the influence of drugs?

Hey, Swope,
what do you think of the Panthers?

They look good against the Bulldogs,
but they need more depth at quarterback.

Last night between 8:00 and 10:00, only
14% of the usual amount of people...

left the house
to buy newspapers and ice cream.

In essence, your commercials were
so good that nobody left the house...

to buy anything or burn anything.
Would you comment on that?

I think anything I would say
would just be redundant.

Mr. Swope, where have you been
all these years?

Laying in the cut.

Mr. Putney, did you sleep with your wife
before you married her?

Not a wink.

What is your position
on the checkerboard of life?

ls it true, do you refuse to advertise
war toys, cigarettes...

- and alcoholic beverages?
- You said it.

Where did you get the name
"Truth and Soul" ?

- In the streets.
- Excuse me, Mr. Swopes.

Gourmet magazine says
your commercials are tasteless...

and that you should be censored.
Now my question is...

in what direction are you heading?

I'm going uptown.
Can I give anybody a lift?

Get off of my short, baby!

You little bitch.
What are you doing out here?

Get your ass in that house immediately.
Go on, move.

What do you think I have you for,
anyway? Come on.

Get in here,
you motherfucker, get in!

I believe Mr. Swope asked you
to use the freight elevator.

- Since when is that your business?
- Since right now.

And if I catch you using that elevator
again, I'm going to tell Mr. Swope.

- Is that Mr. Swope?
- That's him, baby.

- Mr. Swope?
- Putney. Putney.

Sonny Williams again.

He was a guest on Dating Game,
and when he didn't win...

he stood up
and exposed himself again.

CBS went off
the air for seven hours.

Bail him out and get him in here.

Mr. Swope, I'm Sister Basilica,
and this here is Billy Reilly.

Billy's an orphan,
and he wants to be your pal.

Now, if you want to be Billy's pal,
all you have to do is...

fill out the necessary papers, and take
him out of the settlement once a week.

You know, you can take him out to lunch,
or take him for a ride--

- You're taking me for a ride.
- Oh, be a pal.

- Shouldn't you be at school?
- Fuck you. And fuck the establishment.

And fuck you people
who are trying to make me...

part of the unestablished
establishment.

All right. I'll pick you up tomorrow
at 11:00. I'll take you to the zoo...

then we'll go to the ball game.

Why don't you just adopt me
and get it over with?

Don't push me, pal.

Whatever you decide,
don't do it out of guilt.

Bless you.

If this stiff comes through,
we have it made. Come on.

Brother, you were voted in here
on a jive hummer.

Now how, when,
are things gonna happen, man?

Your whole cart has been pimped.
When are thing gonna start to change?

Where's the revolution
you were talking about?

There ain't nothing happening,
there is no revolution...

the way you're running
this joint, man.

Now, when is something
gonna happen?

When are you going to do it?
When and how? What day?

Give me a time, man.
Show me how progress is gonna be made.

There ain't no progress
the way this is running now.

Putney, this is Sonny Williams.

What do you got to say
for yourself, Sonny?

Don't feel bad. It's okay.

Now, there's a man
who is doing something.

That is a revolution, man,
don't you understand?

When are you gonna start?
When are you gonna do something?

Putney, the President of the United
States wants to see you in three hours.

He says that he'll meet you halfway
so it's all set for Philadelphia.

Mr. Swope? Mark Focus.

I did this for Hertz,
that's Colgate...

that's Nabisco, that's lBM.

Did this for Mr. Swope.
That's Rockefeller.

- That's Rockefeller.
- What are you gonna do for me?

What are you, nuts?

- We made it, Put.
- It's phenomenal.

We've thrown a tremendous hump
into the cooling industry.

- Who told you to open your mouth?
- No one. It just happened.

All right. I created Face Off.
I conceived the Borman Six...

and don't forget the mousetrap.

The rest of you people took old ideas,
and broken down concepts...

and embellished them
with a sense of show business.

Now, that's not enough.

When I see things that ain't fresh,
I get butterflies in my ulcer.

So from now on, you got to come up
with completely original fantasies.

Stop looking at the tube.
Stop reading magazines and newspapers...

- and don't talk to strangers. And don't--
- Mr. Swope?

Get on the freight elevator.

- Get rid of him.
- What do want me to do with him?

Get him a gig with the President.

First day on the job
and you get to meet President Mimeo.

I'll take him off.

How do you like
my demonstrators, Swope?

I put them in front of your building,
'cause you won't advertise cigarettes...

war toys, and alcoholic beverages.

And that's discrimination.

I also hear you flipped
over the Borman Six.

Bum trip, Swope. If you keep
discriminating against those products...

I'm gonna keep up the demonstration.
It's a small world, Swope.

Don't cross me.

- Let's move out.
- Say "please."

I said move out!

Back to welfare, Trigger.
Okay, move out.

Rent yourself a short, schmuck!

Hing!

My word, "Hing" !

Maybe Hingleberry or Hingsaurio.

Hing spells nothing,
begins nothing possible unto Webster.

It is my very, very own Hing!

Hing in the teeth of the wind,
and in the faces of governments and men.

Hing!

Hing uninvited, Hing unexcited...

Hing retiring into
his own Hinghood!

I built a wooden Hing once,
and fooled no one.

I painted Hing in oils
and ran out of canvas.

But I shall follow
wherever Hing lead...

till Hing vanish into darkness.

My word, "Hing" !

- Get everybody into the conference room.
- Got it.

Put that out.

Lunger cigarettes,
Swope, what do you say?

Daly War Toys. We just came out with a
new game called "Cops and Demonstrators."

Bull Connor Bourbon.
You name the price, Swope.

Lunger cigarettes,
Swope, what do you say?

Ethereal Cereal. You saved me.

- Fill this up.
- Right.

I want everybody to drop
whatever they're doing...

and start thinking up ideas
for Bull Connor Bourbon...

Lunger cigarettes, and a new game
called Cops and Demonstrators.

I thought you said we wasn't going to
advertise that kind of stuff.

- I changed my mind.
- I thought only women changed their mind.

- The man's copping out.
- What did you say?

- I said you're a cop-out.
- Get out of here!

- And don't come back either.
- Shit.

You're a punk.
If you wasn't my brother, I'd kill you.

I want these campaigns
ready by 5:00 sharp.

- Are you sure you want to do this?
- I already done it.

What do you really want to do?
Advertise garbage or do what's right?

Both.

The man's a genius.

Good people.
I tested them but they did not cop.

- You mean that whole scene was a put-on?
- That's right.

There's $8 million and change here.

Figure what's left
and divide it up equally.

Forget the messengers
and forget the Arab.

Beautiful, baby, beautiful!

Putney, if you want to push
cigarettes and booze...

- it's all right with me.
- That's right.

Putney, I don't care what you advertise,
as long as I get my raise.

Brother, if you want to advertise crap,
that's your prerogative.

- You're my man.
- That's right.

I'm with you, Put.

Whatever the hell you wanna do,
I'm with you.

You're a genius, Putney.
Do your thing.

Putney, I hear you're splitting up
the money equally.

- That's good.
- How did you find out?

- The drum.
- The drum should have told you...

- you ain't getting a penny.
- If I don't get my piece by sundown...

your ass is mine.

Hey! Do you have my bread, brother?

The man says you
gets nothing, Arab.

What? Man, you better get
your story straight.

What you talking about? The drum
says equal shares for everybody.

And everybody means me.

Don't you understand, mister?
So come out your dream world...

and get your story straight, man.
Before I get hot here...

and I have to tell my cousin
Sirhan Saran Wrap.

The man says you gets nothing.

You gets nothing.

The man say I get nothing.

Then I gets nothing.

- You got a light?
- Right.