All language subtitles for The.Other.Two.S01E04.Chase.Gets.the.Gays.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

- I love days where
I don't have to work

and I can just run errands
and look like trash.

- I know.
I'm not even wearing underwear.

- Yeah, me neither.

I mean, I'm not seeing
anybody I know,

so why would I?

- I actually probably should.

My dick always
pops out of these pants.

Ugh, I hate walking around
with toilet paper.

It's so embarrassing.

- Why? Everyone knows
you have a butthole

and poop comes out of it.

- Hey, you're okay.

- See?
She agrees.

- Hey, gay.

- Huh, not sure
that's about your butthole.

But, I mean,
I guess kinda?

- Wait, what is going on?

- Hey, you're the guy
from that video.

- Oh, no, sorry.
I don't think so.

- Yeah, the little kid's
music video

about his gay brother.

- What?

- Oh, um, Care,
look at this.

I think I found
what they're talking about.

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey, oh

- ♪ My brother's brave

♪ My brother's wise

♪ My brother
doesn't like girls ♪

♪ He likes guys

♪ He kisses men

♪ That turns him on

♪ And if you
think that's gross ♪

♪ Well, then I
think you're wrong ♪

♪ 'Cause I think it's cool

♪ My brother's gay

♪ And that's okay

♪ The haters may hate

♪ But I love how he's gay

♪ He is so gay
in every way ♪

♪ My brother Cary is gay

♪ And that's okay

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey, oh

- ♪ And that's okay

- What the f--

[funky music]

Where is Streeter?

Why is no one picking up?
Ugh.

- Okay, can we
just take one sec

and laugh about
how funny this is?

- I can't be in
a teen's music video.

Do I just
show up at the label

and tell that Shuli woman
to take it down?

Yeah, yeah, that's what
I got to do.

- Okay, or you leave it up

and you get, like,
a trillion new followers.

- Ew, I don't want
those followers.

They're all like
@ChaseDreamsFeet.

- Wow, he is getting famous.

- What if casting people
see this?

Oh, my God, what if
Grandma sees this?

- Wait, does Grandma
not know that you're gay?

- No, she's 85.

I thought I'd just
let her die in peace

without ever truly
knowing who I am.

- Wow, cool brain, Care.

- Shuli, the video's at 5 mil.

- Great, can we get him
on the OUT100 yet?

- No, they said it's still
just for gay people.

- God, that is so unfair.

[knocks on door]

- Hey, uh, Shuli?

[overlapping chatter]

- Gay brother.

- You know, my brother's gay.

- I have a gay brother.

- My brother's gay too.

- Yes, okay,

that's sort of
why I'm here.

Can I talk to you
in private?

- One sec.
Brooke, where have you been?

Chase needs his assistant.

- Oh, um, I just
sort of figured

when you started
a new job you had a few days

to, you know,
get your life together.

- Why would you think that?

- Sorry, Shuli, can we talk,
like, now?

It's very important, and I
can't get ahold of Streeter.

- No one's told you.

There was an emergency.

Streeter and your mom had
to take Chase to a specialist.

- Oh, my God,
what happened?

- [sighs]

You may want
to sit for this.

Chase has a...

a pimple.

- Ugh.

- A pimple?

- Look, if you need to barf,
go ahead.

I did.

But we're gonna
get through this

as--as a team.

You know, we just may have

to transition him to sexy
sooner than we thought.

- Okay, I'm gonna
cut to the chase.

- Trademark.

- I want that video down,
all right?

It's humiliating,
and I feel exposed.

- Your dick's out.
- Oh.

- Cary, what's the problem?

Everyone here
loves the video.

I mean, its message
is so strategic,

important.
I said important.

- And the gay community
is eating it up.

Ellen just tweeted
about it.

[all gasp]

- We got Ellen

or whatever little twink
runs her account.

- Okay, well, I want it down.

I'm an actor...
[cell phone buzzes]

And this could be terrible
for my career.

Sorry.

It's an agent asking
if I have representation.

I guess she saw the video.

Shit, this is one
of the biggest agencies.

- Care, that's amazing.

- Yeah, I could maybe
leave Skip finally.

- Yeah.

So like I was saying,
I love the video.

It's awesome.

I want you guys to keep it up.

I love you cuties.
Thank you.

- All right, so I guess
I better get to work.

All I'm gonna need from
you guys is Beyoncé's cell.

Gotta set up a collab on,
you know, like, a song,

ooh, or a jean.

- That's not your job.

We have you
in a very small office

responding to fan mail.

- Shouldn't I be doing
something more creative?

I mean, come on,
with my background?

- What is your background?

- I went to the School of
American Ballet 11 years ago.

- Well, then no.

Listen, Brooke,
your brother's fans love him

because he's real.

But now he's getting
too busy to be real,

so we need you
to be real for him.

- Shuli, we have a problem.

The gays are
turning on the vid.

They're saying it's, quote...
"so five years ago."

[all groan]

- That's the worst thing
you can be.

- "Dear ChaseDreams,

"I've been in the hospital
for seven weeks

"and it's not looking good.

"Could you send me a T-shirt?

"You're my
favorite singer ever.

Love, Rachel Klein."

- Poor girl.

Such terrible taste in music.

- Hey, how's it going
in here?

- Oh, some of these letters
are really intense.

A grown woman
sent Chase underwear.

- That happens a lot.
You can just toss 'em.

- Oh, I mean, can't waste
brand-new underwear.

Am I right, girl?

- Those are not brand-new.

Women wear them
and send them dirty.

Don't even touch them.

- Of course not.

- And don't eat
any of the food.

- Uh-huh.

- Anyway, Shuli wanted me

to introduce you
to Chase's lawyers.

There's, like, 100 of them,
and they're all, like, 25.

- Yeah, I'll go
meet some lawyers.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I meant
there's 25 of them,

and they're all, like, 100.

- Mm, um, you know,
I'm actually--

I'm in the middle of some
very important fan outreach.

Yeah, there's a sick girl.

She's dying, actually.

So I need to personally
bring her a Chase T-shirt.

So off I go.

Ew, ew, ew,
ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

[phone ringing]

- I have a meeting
with an agent.

- We all do.
This is an agency.

- Cary?
- Yes.

- [gasps]
Oh, Pitzi Pyle.

Thank you so much
for coming in.

I saw you in the vid.

I am gagging for you, faggot.

Come on back.

- Sorry, I was--uh,
I was gonna change,

but you told me
to come down here ASAPF,

I thought the F
was a typo,

but now I think I know
what it stands for.

- Yas, faggot.
[laughs]

Wait, should we do this meeting
here or while we're shopping?

- I guess here?

- Aw, Pitzi sad.

- Oh, oh, no.

I'm sorry, we can--

- Wait, you believed me.

Oh, my God.
You're so cute.

You're, like, the sweetest
person I've ever met.

Like, will you be
my best friend?

Like, legally, we're bound
to be best friends now.

And that's really good for you
because I'm the top agent here.

- Oh, you are?
- Yeah.

I have the most clients,
okay, 10,000.

[mouths words]

- Oh, how
is that manageable?

- But enough about me.

Okay, dish.
I want to hear everything.

Where are you from?
What's your deal?

What makes you tic?
Everything.

- Well, I'm from Ohio,

uh, like all the greats.

- [screams and laughs]

Oh, my God, wait.

So you're, like, the funniest
person that ever lived.

Okay, I'm obsessed with you.

Josh, get in here!
You have to hear this.

He's gonna love this.

Okay, Cary, tell Josh
where you're from.

- Ohio.

- But do the other part.

- It's--it's where
all the greats are from.

- [laughs boisterously]

- [mouths words]
- Oh, God. Oh, my God.

[screams]

- Hi, I'm looking for a patient
named Rachel Kline.

She's here and dying.

- Okay, that's not how we
talk out loud in a hospital.

Are you family
or celebrity?

- Oh, um, celebrity?

- Okay, we're actually already
checking on that name for P!nk,

so you can go ahead and have
a seat next to her assistant.

- Which one is her--

I found her.

- Wow, you look
exactly like P!nk.

- It's like dogs
and their owners.

This was me
when I first started.

- Whoa, when is that?

- Four weeks ago.

You don't look
like anyone famous.

Did you just start?

- Oh, today's
my first day, actually.

- Well, let me give you
some advice.

Never let your boss
get into aerial gymnastics.

- Oh, don't worry.

I'm not gonna be
an assistant for long.

It's not like a career
or anything.

- Your loss.

P!nk's first assistant is now
the CEO of her apparel company.

- Whoa, really?

- I mean, it's just leotards
for aerial gymnastics,

but she's rich.

- Sorry, ladies,
there's no patient here

by the name of Rachel Kline.

- What?

- Oh, I want to talk
career with you.

Okay, do you know
who Meryl Streep is?

- Yes.
- I don't. I don't.

Because she's old,
and old is bad.

Okay, young is good.

Do you know how many views
your video has?

15 million!

- It does?
- Yeah.

And that means I can make you

the most famous person
in the world...

For the next 14 hours.

- Well, you know, uh,
I think I'm looking for

a little bit more
longevity than that.

I guess I just want, like, a--
you know, maybe a small part

in a miniseries, or, you know,
a role in a director's...

- [snoring]

- Hello?

- [snoring]

- Hey, Shuli, it's Cary.

Listen, I changed my mind.

I'm actually gonna need
that video to come down.

- No can do, Care.

Tomi Lahren just called it
an affront to family values.

The gays are back on board.

[all cheering]

- [sighs]

- Wait, I'm sorry.

Why isn't there
a Rachel Kline here?

- This happens
all the time.

It's a dude, some middle-aged
perv who wants attention.

- Ew, but then why would he
pretend to be in a hospital?

- They don't think anyone
will actually show.

They just hope you
feel bad enough

to send a bunch
of free crap to their house

probably so they can
jack off into it.

- Ugh.

- Check the return address.

- It says New Jersey.

- Exactly,
where the pervs live.

- Okay, but if this
keeps happening,

why do you
keep showing up?

- Because one time out of ten
it really is a dying girl,

and if you don't show up,
it's bad optics.

And P!nk doesn't
do bad optics.

She does near-constant
aerial gymnastics.

- Well, I'm gonna
go to New Jersey

and I'm gonna confront
this sick perv.

You want to come?

- No, I have to find

some other dying kid
to take a photo with.

- Oh.

- ♪ Haters may hate
but I love how he's gay ♪

- Hey, are you from
that music video?

- Oh, um, yes,

but I'd love to do
a miniseries one day,

like a "Fargo"
or something.

- Oh, that's cool.

Um, I just wanted to say
that I came out to my mom today

sort of because
of that video.

- Oh.
- I was scared,

but it actually wasn't as bad
as I thought it was gonna be.

So I guess this is weird,
but, um, thanks?

- That's--wow, that's--
that's nice.

Can I, um--can I give you
a hug or something?

- Sure.

Okay, see ya.

- Bye.

- And good luck
with your miniseries.

- Thanks.

[cell phone buzzes]

- Shuli.
- Hey, Shuli,

I guess you
could leave the video up.

Uh, I'm okay with it now.

- Too bad, Care.
It's coming down.

The A.V. Club just said
it's "no 'Moonlight.'"

- Was it supposed to be?

- It doesn't matter, Cary!

They said it,
and now we're fucked.

[knocks on door]

- [scoffs]

- He--hello.

- Just what I thought,
a pervert.

- Excuse me?

- You think you
are so smart,

pretending to be
a dying girl so what?

A teen will send you a T-shirt
and you can nut in it?

Well, here's your
little tee, perv.

Nut away.

Oh, yeah, you should cry.

Oh, good, all your little
pervert friends are crying too.

And they're all in black.

- [sobbing]

So Rachel wasn't
at the...because she...

- [sobs]

- I am so sorry

for your loss.

- Yo, what up, roomie?

- Hey, you, um--
you smell good.

- Got to,
going out with Abby tonight.

Don't want my junk to stink

if she's gonna be
down there, you know?

- Totally.

Your, uh--your dick
looks good.

- Thanks.

So does yours.

- What?
Oh, stupid pants.

- ♪ Ah, my young boys
in the truth ♪

- ♪ True, true, true
- ♪ Truth

♪ When you see a real one you
better salute ♪

- ♪ Young boys in the truth
- ♪ True, true, true

- ♪ Truth

♪ When you see a real one,
you better salute ♪

- ♪ Lute, lute, lute
- ♪ Lute, lute

♪ Young boys in the truth

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop.

- What's up, dude?

Am I doing it wrong?

- No, no, no, no.
That was--

That was great, um.

I mean, it was a little dry.

It was kind of like
a turtle eating a carrot.

But that's not, uh--
that's not the problem.

I can't do this anymore.

- Oh, okay.

- 'Cause every time we do this,
it's great or whatever,

but I just feel
like shit after.

- Oh, no.
You do? Why?

- Because you don't
actually like me.

And that makes me
feel pathetic, okay?

And I'm not pathetic.

I'm a gay icon.

- Whoa, hey, that's cool.

- Yeah.
- Since when?

- This morning.
Yeah.

And I don't know
if you're secretly gay

or if you're just straight
and you like attention,

but either way,
it fucking sucks for me.

This sucks for me,
and "Survivor" sucks.

"Survivor" sucks.

I can't believe you watch
the same seasons

over and over and over.

It's the same thing.

- Well, not Micronesia.

- Okay, yeah, that season
did change the game, but--

- Listen,
I--I'm sorry, Care.

I--

I love you, man.

- No, that's so annoying.

No, you don't.

You don't love me,

and you know what's humiliating
is, I weirdly love you,

and that is so dumb because you
never give me anything ever!

Nothing!

So from now on,
we're just roommates.

That's it,
and when you watch TV,

I need you to wear a shirt,
preferably a turtleneck.

- Okay, all right.
- Thank you.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have something I've been
meaning to do for eight months.

- ♪ My brother's gay
and here to stay ♪

♪ So, haters, you better
stay out of his way ♪

♪ And if you are listening,
then I want to say ♪

♪ Cary Dubek, you are gay

♪ And that's okay

- I'm so sorry for your loss.

[sighs]

I'm so sorry I'm wearing
Halloween boxer shorts.

- Excuse me.

How do you know
the deceased?

- Oh, she was a big fan
of my little brother's,

and I'm here on his behalf
because he loved her.

He respected her,

and he...

Wait, I'm sorry,
who's this bitch?

- The deceased.

Grandma Elaine.

- So she wrote the letter?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't mean
to speak ill of the dead,

but that woman
was a sex pervert.

[all gasp]

Yeah, she pretended to be

this little girl
named Rachel Kline

so that my brother
would send her a T-shirt

so she could,
I don't know,

rub it all over
her old titties.

- Oh.
- Gross.

- Wait, I'm Rachel Kline.

- Sorry, what?

- I wrote
that letter to Chase

'cause I was at the hospital
with my grandma

and I was sad,
so I wanted a T-shirt.

- [sighs]

So today is my first day
in the industry,

and I would like to apologize
for everything

that I have said and done.

Rachel, how do I
make it up to you?

Do you want Chase's autograph,
my autograph?

[chuckles]

- Well, I have
a school dance next week.

Maybe Chase
could be my date?

- Shuli, great news.

The gays are back on board.

- What?
How?

- Countess Luann just posted
an emotional response to it.

- From the "Real Housewives"?

Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means?

Our video is officially camp.

[champagne pops]
[cheering]

Give me these,
yes.

- Sorry, just, uh, grabbing
my, uh, toilet paper here.

I forgot it.

And I know
this seems like a lot,

but it lasts me, like,
three months, so...

- Relax, Cary.

It's time to celebrate.

You're camp.

[cheering]

- You're gonna live on
forever in the gay community

as a joke, something the gays
laugh at but also love,

like Britney.

- Okay.

- Cool, what are
we celebrating?

- Nothing, fun's over.
[glass shatters]

Okay, look,
we have the gays,

but now we need to swing back

and get
the regular people again.

- So boring.
- Ugh, lame.

- So how do we get them?

We gotta do something sweet,
something wholesome.

- Maybe Chase could perform
at a cancer charity.

- Yeah, that's perfect.

Chase said that his dad
died of cancer.

- Oh, shit, that is
what Mom told him.

- Should we tell them
that's not true?

- Gay then cancer?

We can't do two sad things
back to back, come on.

- Two sad things?

- Come on, more ideas, people.

Something that will appeal
to middle America,

you know, like football,
families, fields, corn.

- Oh, Chase could post
a picture eating corn.

- Not actual corn, Renee.

You're fired.
Get me a new Renee.

- [huffs]

- Uh, maybe he could
go to a school dance

with a sweet, suburban teen?

- Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

If Chase goes to a dance
with one small-town girl,

he'll have all small-town girls
wet for him.

- Ew, that is not
what I meant.

- Brooke, you're a genius.

Cary, you're a star.

I love this family.
Uh!

- Shuli, um,
I did want to say

that, um, I'm glad
you kept the video up.

Um, it was weird at first,

but it actually helped me

realize some things
about myself that I--

- [snoring]
- Okay.

[bass-heavy dance music]

- I am so glad you decided
to come here with me.

I've been, like, 500 times.

Everyone here loves me.

- Everyone here hates her.

- I'm gonna go get us
more drinks.

- Whoo!

It's you!

- Hey, Cary.

- Oh, hey,
good to see you.

- Yeah, you too.

I loved you in the video.

- Oh, thanks.

Um, it's been kind of
a weird day.

Uh, but good, you know.
It's--

- I bet, I bet.

- Yeah.
[chuckles]

- Um, would you maybe want

to, uh, get food
with me sometime?

- Oh, y--

Yeah, yeah,
no, I'd love that.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- Wait, why didn't
you ask me out

the whole time we were
doing that play together?

- Yeah, I didn't know
you were gay.

- Oh, oh, thanks.
Um.

- Oh, uh, thanks?

- No, no, no, no.
Not--

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I just, uh--
never mind.

But it's really good
to see you.

Bye.
- Bye.

- ♪ My brother's brave

♪ My brother's wise
- Oh, my God!

- ♪ My brother
doesn't like... ♪

- It's under Billy Eichner.

- Cary, Cary, get out here!

They're playing your song!

- ♪ My brother's gay
and here to stay ♪

- [laughs]
Wow.

Whoo!

- ♪ Yes, my brother's gay

- Whoo!

- I think I'm kind of
fucked up.

- Me too, whoo!

I'm his assistant!

- ♪ And that's okay

I love you, Cary.

- [laughs obnoxiously]

Oh, my God.
[coughs]

I really needed this.