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This programme contains
some strong language
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♪ My heart is broken,
like an egg on the floor
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00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:10,440
♪ If I wasn't such a grown-up
then I'd call you a whore
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00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:14,600
♪ You are my personal salmonella
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00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:19,040
♪ Going off on holiday
and having sex with Trevor
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00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:22,800
"# She's the egg-smashing woman"
ALL LAUGH
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"# Egg-smashing..."
I was 16. I was in a bad place.
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Why don't you take it down? I forgot
my password and security question.
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I mean, Jesus,
what is my favourite place?
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Judging by that, another
dude's arse. Shut up, Mitchell!
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00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,920
Sir, can we watch my video now?
What's it called?
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One girl, ten cups.
Oh, god, Chantelle.
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What? It's just me
doing the washing-up. Oh.
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Greetings and salutations. David
Millbank. I was just wondering
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if I can count on your vote for
this forthcoming school election.
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Um, go away. We're working.
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Now, who did you vote for last year?
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Little Mix.
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Ah, the X Factor, yes.
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Look, I love music.
I'm a big fan of The Coldplay,
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Jay Zed and Olly Murs feat...
Rizzle Sticks.
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Here, Sir, do you want to see
an old guy singing with his nutsack?
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Mitchell, why would I want to see
an old man singing with his...?
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MUSIC: "Sledgehammer"
by Peter Gabriel
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Oh, my god! Is that...?
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Oh, I've got to send this to Fraser.
He loves Peter Gabriel.
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COMPUTER BOINGS
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"# I'll be anything you need"
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Goodness, Peter Gabriel's aged.
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"# You could have a big dipper"
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Oh, Jesus.
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"# Going up and down
all around the bends"
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OK, there's nothing to see here,
guys. Can you just get on?
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Put the phone away. Question ten's
good. Get on with it. It's chicken.
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♪ This amusement never ends
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♪ I wanna be
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♪ Your sledgehammer
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♪ Why don't you call my name?
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♪ Oh! Let me be your sledgehammer
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♪ This will be my testimony
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♪ Sledge
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♪ Sledge
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This is the dawn of a new age.
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Now, by now you're all be aware
that a video of our headmaster
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showing children images
of a geriatric man
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manipulating his scrotum to song
has gone viral.
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He's been asked to remain
off the school grounds
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pending a review by the Educational
Authority Disciplinary Board.
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In the interim, I shall rule.
Bullshit.
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Surely the most senior member
of staff should be headmistress?
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Mollinson has been here since,
like, the swinging '60s.
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The swinging '70s and '80s.
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00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:57,480
The '90s were a bit dry,
thanks to my hip replacement.
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00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,360
Now, given the disastrous example
set by our ex-headmaster,
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we have to get our house in order.
What do you mean, "house in order"?
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00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:09,360
To start, I'm not having you turn
this place into a hippy commune.
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That ludicrous garden of yours.
The one I built as a memorial
to my late brother, Freddie?
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I need a new parking space.
Could it fit a Hummer?
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00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,840
And take this school election,
always an absolute shambles.
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Oh, is it? I don't believe
in elections. Course you don't.
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00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,400
But we are going to show the board
that we can get something right.
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Which means, Wickers,
you can sit this one out.
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BLOWS A RASPBERRY
Bothered?
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This election
will run like clockwork.
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That way, I will show the board
that I am the right man
for the job on a permanent basis.
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No-one wants you in charge. You're
like the stepmum in Parent Trap.
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With me in power,
this school will improve, expand.
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The pupils will be
better, stronger...
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purer.
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Almost like a super race?
Yes. Amazing.
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00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,600
I have to deal with
that troublesome Fletchley boy.
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His parents are demanding
compensation for some
javelin accident.
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So I'm expelling him.
On what grounds?
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For having marijuana in his locker.
How do you know that?
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I put it there.
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I need a smoke.
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Yeah, me too.
You don't smoke.
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Yeah, sure I do...
you know, like, when I'm stressed.
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♪ Oh! After the rain
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♪ We forget, we make sure we gain,
then we leave it
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♪ Cos we're a nation
of forgetters. ♪
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Fraser is screwed.
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COUGHS
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That's some good shit.
Do you want to do blowback?
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It's a cigarette, Alfie,
it's not pot.
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Yeah, sorry.
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Can you imagine Pickwell
as headmistress?
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I'm not letting her
near Freddie's tree.
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You heard the way she was talking.
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00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,920
She'll have Jewish kids
in separate classes.
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00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,400
In five years, we'll be telling
the disciplinary board
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we were only following orders.
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She could sack us!
Then what would you do as a living?
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00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,240
Go back to B&Q. I kept the uniform.
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And staff get 13% off decking.
So, win-win.
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You'll have to make an effort with
her. Are you entering this election?
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She told me not to.
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00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,280
Anyway, this whole
school election thing is bullshit.
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Only because of the last time
your kids got involved in politics.
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Not this again.
Rem Dogg got stage fright.
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Well, hello, young chap.
What's your ambition in life, eh?
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Anal.
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What? Um...
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Everyone knows school politics
is just for losers like Millbank.
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You know he came to my class this
morning asking for our votes? And?
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I told him to piss off.
You do know he's my candidate?
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COUGHS
Great guy.
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I bet you think it's cool to say
you're not "into" politics.
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Now you're sounding really old.
Have you ever voted?
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No. No. I don't need to, because
my dad does my postal vote for me.
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Oh, god.
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00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:05,040
Winning the election would be
a piece of piss. I can't be bothered.
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Because you're afraid of losing.
Losing? My class would rape Millbank.
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Your class? Special K? Please.
Don't bring the children into this.
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Pathetic. Right, I'm going back to
help my "loser" win this election.
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Well, I am going to the canteen
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because I have got the munchies.
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Right, class.
We've got an election to win!
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Who wants to stand?
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Look, I've seen the other candidates
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and we can't win if we're running
against them on their terms.
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So, our inspiration
for this election
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is going to be a certain Pol Pot.
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00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,120
Ain't that the guy that
killed anyone wearing glasses?
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00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:56,960
Paul Potts. Sorry, I always get
them mixed up. The one that
won Britain's Got Talent.
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00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:00,280
Yeah, we're gonna win it
on a sympathy vote.
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00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:05,000
And we have the perfect candidate.
Everybody loves a chubby virgin.
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00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,880
Oh, no, why is it always me?
Joe,
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00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:12,360
this is your perfect opportunity
to make this class proud of you.
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00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,480
Yeah,
but I can't do public speaking.
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00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,720
It's easy. It's just like teaching
a class. What if I freeze up?
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Well, they say that you should
imagine that everyone's naked.
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00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,800
When you teach us
you imagine us naked?
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00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,800
No. I'll never win anyway.
Course you can win.
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00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,200
All you need
is a crack campaign team.
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00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,880
And you have got
the best in the business.
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00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:36,160
Jing. She is a mastermind.
She'll be on strategy.
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00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,720
Stephen does plays, he can write
your speeches. Mitchell...
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00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,880
..has...
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00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,680
got a laptop.
He'll run the website.
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00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,160
Er, hack the website. I've
given out more viruses than her!
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Shut up!
I'll do it on one condition.
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Anything. For one day, you don't
make stupid comments about China.
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Promise.
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00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,360
Just to clarify, um,
you do know what voting is?
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00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,040
It's just, you know,
democracy isn't really a big...
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00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:13,200
Never mind.
So, what do you reckon? You in?
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00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,880
OK.
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00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,840
Yes. Right, team, to the corridor.
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00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:24,560
Talk to me, people.
We have a problem. Everyone entering
needs a party and they're all taken.
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00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,560
Except one. It's not the BNP?
Worse. Lib Dem. Bollocks.
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00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:31,080
Stephen, get a yellow tie,
draw up a list of promises to break.
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00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,160
Right.
What shall we do about Grayson?
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00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,280
He's the Tory,
so he's all about cuts.
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00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,080
We need to prove his financial plan
is unrealistic.
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00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,320
Mitchell, hack the school accounts.
Jing, you'll analyse the data.
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00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,480
It'll take time.
The mainframe's got me flagged
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00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,280
ever since I put the school
on Gumtree. What about Millbank?
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00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,960
Doesn't he have a brother?
Edmund Millbank, 14.
He has the lowest SAT score.
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00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,800
He's asthmatic, dyslexic, wheat,
lactose and sunlight intolerant.
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00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,640
He's like Rain Man, but can't count
and isn't allowed near matches.
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00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,640
We need him
to run against his brother.
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A sibling rivalry will
cause havoc with David's campaign.
Genius! How do we get him to run?
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00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,960
He can't. He's got gammy legs.
I meant in the election.
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00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,440
Chantelle, you are going
to take his breath away.
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00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:12,200
Steal his inhaler?
Flirt with him. Convince him
to challenge his brother.
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00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,880
You owe me big time for this.
Oh, I'll make it up to you.
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00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,720
Not like that.
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00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,920
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Come on, come on.
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00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,800
So, I want to propose the deal.
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00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:43,400
Fraser, why do we have to do this
in an Italian restaurant?
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00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,960
You get me back into power
and, in two terms' time,
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00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,160
I stand aside
and let you take the top job.
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00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:51,000
No. Why would I even want that?
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00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,880
I'm just trying to get you on board.
I'm on your side.
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00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,880
Good. I've got that hearing later.
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00:09:55,880 --> 00:10:00,280
I need you and other teachers
to convince the committee
I'm still up to the job.
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00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:05,240
Yeah, about that. Pickwell
has sort of started a smear campaign.
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00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,840
At her age,
I wouldn't have thought it mattered.
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00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,160
No... Throw her my bone. Tell her
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00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:14,320
if she helps me get back my job,
I'll let her put
Creationism on the syllabus.
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00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,760
She's been banging on
about that for years.
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00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,960
Look, I'll do everything I can.
Great. Well, in advance,
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00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,000
a little crib sheet.
185
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,640
The Da Fraser Code.
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00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,600
Can't grow a full beard?
Skip the weakness section.
187
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,920
Strengths.
There's your meat and two veg.
188
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,320
This stuff is not
going to impress the committee.
189
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:39,240
Grade three on the oboe?
190
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,360
It's really hard.
Not colour blind.
191
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,880
Yellow. Appeared on Super...
You appeared on Supermarket Sweep?
192
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:49,280
I did.
The point is, that this shit
193
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,680
won't help get your job back. That
you can impersonate Michael Caine?
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00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,960
BAD IMPRESSION:
Blow on me bloody doors.
195
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,760
Yeah, I'd maybe
pop that one under weaknesses?
196
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,080
Sorry, you did not
invent the "wassup" craze.
197
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,240
No-one can prove that.
198
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,040
Wassssss-uuuuuppppp!
199
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,880
One spaghetti Bolognese and one...
200
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,360
Unfolded calzone stromboli.
Ici, por favor.
201
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,280
You do know that
calzones come folded.
202
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,720
Yeah, but it's half the fun.
203
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,680
You are such a bell end.
204
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:41,800
BLOWS
205
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,440
It should look like a lung.
206
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,080
Garcon, couple of straws.
207
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,720
Well, um...
208
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:58,680
I've checked the numbers four times,
209
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:03,720
and our class candidate
for the school election
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00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:07,400
is definitely...
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00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,520
Edmund Millbank.
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00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,680
LAUGHTER
213
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,600
Mummy will go spare.
214
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,760
What are the early forecasts?
The polls have Grayson in the lead.
215
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,560
The voters love
his tough economic stance.
And he scares them shitless.
216
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,120
Where are the school accounts?
Mitchell's working on it.
217
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:35,000
See? Told you the FBI website
was piss easy to hack, man.
218
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,800
I've set up a Twitter account.
Got a retweet from Myleene Klass.
Great. About which policy?
219
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,840
I said I loved her hair.
Well, that's a start.
220
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,680
What are we going to do about David
Millbank? You didn't hear? No, what?
221
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,760
Before we begin this hustings,
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00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,520
I would like to extend
a very warm welcome to those members
223
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,840
of the Local Education Authority
who have joined us here today.
224
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,320
Er, the rules.
225
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,160
No swearing, no music, no spitting,
226
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:22,440
no nudity and none of that
global-warming nonsense.
227
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:26,640
Everyone knows
it's a hoopla invented
by tree-fingering socialists.
228
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,040
Good. So, to our first speaker,
Frank Grayson,
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00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,960
standing as a Conservative.
230
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,000
APPLAUSE
231
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:52,160
Welcome to the Big Society.
My motto?
232
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,320
Your problems
ain't got shit to do with me.
233
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,920
The welfare state is brass!
234
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,960
Policies.
235
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:06,080
I'm sacking the school nurse. She's
pointless and she ain't even fit.
236
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,480
And, secondly,
237
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:13,880
these knob heads, why waste
my hard-earned monies on them,
238
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:17,920
wh3n 1nst34d
w3 c0vld spend it on this?
239
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,800
A massive sports day this summer.
240
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,280
I'm going to build the school
essential facilities
241
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,040
like a velodrome and
an equestrian centre, you get me?
242
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,280
So, vote for me
243
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,400
or watch your back.
244
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:35,840
Because in the Big Society,
245
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:40,400
no-one can hear you scream.
246
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,600
SCANT APPLAUSE
247
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:48,040
Right, who's next?
Oh, this'll be good. It's Form K.
248
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,320
Cheers, sugar tits,
I'll do the intros.
249
00:14:55,320 --> 00:15:00,000
So, after being told that
I couldn't enter this election,
250
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:04,280
let alone win it, here I am
with my very own candidate.
251
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,840
From the under-25's category,
252
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,680
would you please welcome
Joe Poulter!
253
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,520
Here's your speech.
254
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,640
Wooh!
255
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,000
Change of plan.
I've, er, written my own.
256
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,040
Bit punchier.
257
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,160
How are those accounts coming on?
Mitchell's still working on it.
258
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:32,080
And with one click, Mr Wickers
is on the world's most wanted list.
259
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,760
Is that the PE teacher?
260
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,200
When you're written off
as a coward,
261
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,680
it takes a lot of guts
to get back up
262
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,600
and show that woman
who you really are.
263
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,880
Most politicians are like women,
264
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:13,640
older women, in that
they don't care about you.
265
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,400
They patronise you. They don't
listen to you in the staff room
266
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:21,920
when you're telling them
about paintballing
at Chris Lammond's stag do.
267
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,120
Really good story. What?
Like older women,
268
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:28,240
politicians make you think
you've got a chance with them
269
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,680
only to shit on you
from up on their high horse.
270
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,600
WHISPERS: The other side.
271
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:42,800
And for the record, I DO smoke.
272
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:48,000
I get high all the time. There's
a photo of me on Facebook smoking
273
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,080
a joint at Glastonbury,
at least I think
274
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:57,320
Henry said it was weed
but I couldn't hear because Moby
was tearing up the dance tent.
275
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,400
Right, right, right.
Well, that was as weird as expected.
276
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,600
You nailed it! I didn't nail it.
I embarrassed myself
in front of the school.
277
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,040
I never wanted
to do this stupid election thing.
278
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,760
OK, next up from Form M
is Edmund Millbank.
279
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,800
Right, sit down!
280
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:21,080
OK, this clearly isn't about
the election any more because,
281
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,320
thanks to you-know-who,
it's been hijacked.
282
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,400
For once, could you behave
like a real teacher?
283
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,840
Right, um, for the record,
I am a real teacher,
284
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:38,320
obviously. A real teacher wouldn't
force pupils to do things they
don't want to do. Homework?
285
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,920
A real teacher wouldn't put words
into their pupils' mouths.
286
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,040
French teacher. Any language.
You're embarrassing yourself.
287
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,880
Oh, get a room.
Oh, piss off!
288
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:52,960
OK. I think we've had enough
of the Gulliver Show for one day.
289
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,920
Well, unless you'd like
to humiliate yourself any...
290
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:59,560
Back off, you menopausal witch.
291
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:06,360
If you dare touch
my garden or Freddie's tree,
292
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:10,480
I will personally ram
that Hummer up your arse.
293
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,560
LAUGHTER
294
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,960
Silence!
295
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,320
Pull yourselves together.
296
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:25,280
I'd like the rest of this hustings
to be conducted with due decorum.
297
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:28,160
So, back to the serious business
of this election
298
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,240
and our next candidate from Form B,
299
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:36,520
Ben Poppit who represents
The Forces of Good.
300
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:53,160
I'm sorry for getting carried away
with the whole election stuff.
301
00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:00,960
Ah! Your little spectacle back
there's played right into my hands.
302
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:05,880
It's going to be even easier
to lance two irritating abscesses.
303
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:10,160
You can't lance us.
Oh, I can when I'm headmistress.
304
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,600
The committee won't complain
after seeing that performance.
305
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,600
You'll both be out.
306
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,160
That would be the case
if it wasn't for the fact
307
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,280
that Fraser's gonna
get his job back.
308
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:24,200
Oh, stop pussy-parping, Wickers.
Fraser doesn't stand a chance.
309
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:28,080
This is a 500-page
character assassination on Fraser.
310
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,680
I've compiled one on all of you.
311
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,000
Mr Wickers, please.
312
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,040
And you are? Er, Alfie Wickers.
313
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,440
I teach Form K. Slow bunch,
314
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,560
but, you know, kind of guys
that you want to go for a pint with.
315
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,160
Not now, obviously,
because they're under-age.
316
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,000
But... I mean,
most of them are lightweights.
317
00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:00,320
It's... I've never
been for a drink with them.
318
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,880
So, how would you describe
Shaquille Fraser?
319
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,640
You're... Shaq-Shaquille?
320
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,280
That's your first name?
321
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,320
You said it was Simon.
322
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,840
Judging by that, you don't know
Mr Fraser at all well.
323
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,520
No, look, Shaquille
324
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,000
may come across
as a bit of a guiche.
325
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,720
No offence, Fraser.
326
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,720
Standard banter.
327
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:37,040
Look, I've done some shit here
328
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:40,760
that at any other school
would definitely get me fired.
329
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,040
Maybe even arrested.
330
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:48,160
But Fraser has never shouted at me,
never got me in trouble.
331
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:52,640
And, you know,
he loves this school,
332
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,160
he'd do anything for it,
it's his life. And,
333
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,880
I know it might sound a bit lame,
334
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,040
but he's genuinely
one of my best friends.
335
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,680
Well, I'm glad you get on so well.
336
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:14,840
Unfortunately, this has no bearing
on his professional competency.
337
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:20,000
Can you tell me one thing Shaquille
has achieved as headmaster?
338
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,120
Do you guys remember,
339
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:32,240
'Wasssss-uuuuuppppppp'?
340
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,760
AS MICHAEL CAINE:
Blow on me bloody doors!
341
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,800
You're up.
342
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,560
Oh, god.
343
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,680
Well, the hour is nearly upon us.
344
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,160
What will I do first?
Ooh, maybe I'll build a wicker man
345
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,880
in the playground.
I wonder who'll go in it.
346
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,920
Sir! Sir!
347
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,320
All right, I'm coming.
348
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,400
What? Look.
349
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,280
What? It's the accounts.
350
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,960
Jing, that's sweet of you, but it's
too late. Grayson's already won.
351
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,240
No, look. This column
shows the school's expenses.
352
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,600
This column shows
Pickwell's withdrawals.
353
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:17,800
They don't add up.
ã140 in the school's expenses
and ã200 in Pickwell's.
354
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,600
She's made that withdrawal
every week for years.
355
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,560
Right, um,
could you explain that again,
356
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,920
er, as though you were
explaining it to a child?
357
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,000
Pickwell's been
fiddling her expenses.
358
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,760
Oh, god, Jing,
359
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,760
I could kiss you.
360
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,640
Please don't.
It might upset Chantelle.
361
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,200
Well done.
362
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,680
Why are you walking like you've
soiled yourself? This is my swagger.
363
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,080
What have you got to swagger about?
Read it and weep.
364
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,320
Doubt it. I haven't wept since 1990.
365
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:58,320
1990? When she was hounded
out of office by her own party.
366
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:01,680
Well, talking of being
hounded out of office,
367
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,320
it would appear as though
one member of staff
368
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,160
has been siphoning off public money.
369
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,640
You.
370
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,880
This column? Mmm.
371
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,680
Now where's your evidence?
372
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:31,080
You think we didn't make copies?
We made copies, right, Jing?
373
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,760
SPEAKS CHINESE
Yeah, that is Chinese
374
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:38,120
for "many, many, many,
many multiple copies".
375
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,840
I'll have you arrested.
You stole this information.
376
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,560
You could tell the authorities,
they're in here. They won't mind.
377
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,440
No, don't! Please. Well,
378
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,880
I suggest that if you
want to keep any kind of job,
379
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:54,840
you go in there and tell
your little pals at the council
380
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,520
that Fraser
is the most amazing headmaster
381
00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,880
you have ever had the privilege
of working for.
382
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:10,200
Oh, and one more thing I'll need
you to arrange re the election.
383
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,880
Joe Poulter. Out of the question.
384
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,640
Grayson's already won
by a landslide.
385
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,360
Joe doesn't even want
to be school president, Alfie.
386
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:24,200
But I think it would mean
a great deal to Edmund.
387
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,600
Actually, I've got a better idea.
388
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:35,400
And the winner
of the Abbey Grove election is...
389
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,920
Ben Poppit.
390
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,640
APPLAUSE
391
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:46,080
With great power, comes great
responsibility. Thank you.
392
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,800
♪ You know I said it's true
393
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,240
♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?
394
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,800
♪ I can feel it
Ah ah
395
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,480
♪ I can feel it
Ah ah
396
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,200
♪ You know I said it's true
397
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,760
♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?
398
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,800
♪ I can feel it
Ah ah
399
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:12,400
♪ I can feel it
Ah ah
400
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,440
♪ You know I said it's true
401
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,520
♪ I can feel the love
Can you feel it, too?
402
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,080
♪ I can feel it, oh
Oh, I can feel it
403
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,120
♪ Oh, I can feel it
Ah ah
404
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:25,760
♪ I can feel it
I can feel it
405
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,520
♪ I can feel it
Can you feel it, oh, too? ♪
406
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,160
I'm the headmaster!
407
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,440
I've got to go outside.
I'm going to be sick.
408
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:37,040
I'm feeling quite drunk.
Me, too.
409
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:41,120
That's because I decided on a little
celebration for getting my job back.
410
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:42,960
I've spiked the punch.
411
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,800
Are you out of your mind?
Not yet! But I do need to sit down.
412
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,840
Where's that wheelchair boy?
413
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:55,080
Remember, posture, eye contact,
throw in some cute giggles,
414
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,200
maybe rest your hand on his arm
and then tell him you'll
tug him off behind the bins.
415
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,280
Car keys anyone?
416
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,320
No, thank you.
417
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,240
I couldn't anyway,
they're my dad's.
418
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,040
The more the merrier.
419
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,400
♪ Come and dance with me
Come and dance with me
420
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,520
♪ Come dance with me
I see you glance at me
421
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,640
♪ That's why I'm asking, B
So let's party, B
422
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,560
♪ Come and dance with me
423
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,680
♪ Get away from the bar
Tell your boyfriend hold your jar. ♪
424
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,120
Joe, can you get me
some more punch?
425
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:37,000
♪ I don't know where you come from
But you're everywhere I go. ♪
426
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,440
You know when it's a new term
and you get a new class
427
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:44,200
and there's a kid
that's got potential
428
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:47,640
but really frustrates you because
429
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:52,400
one day they're a grade A and the
next day they're just like a kid
430
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,440
who doesn't seem to care.
431
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:58,520
But then, um...
by the end of the term,
432
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,720
you realise that, um...
433
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,760
that maybe
they're perfect after all?
434
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:12,280
I have that exact same situation
with Mitchell.
435
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,840
No, no, Alfie...
436
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,640
It was a metaph...
437
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,480
♪ Shut me up
How can I breathe when I'm afloat
438
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,040
♪ Our love's concrete
We should leave it set in stone
439
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:27,320
♪ Yeah, and whenever I'm in doubt
Yeah, you forever calm me down
440
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,160
♪ Yeah, and sometimes I'm a dummy
And I know I would have crashed... ♪
441
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,640
Oh. Put it on, put it on.
442
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,560
Um, I need...
443
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,000
I need some air.
444
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:46,000
♪ You are my personal salmonella
445
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:50,440
♪ Going off on holiday
And having sex with Trevor
446
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:54,240
♪ She's the egg-smashing woman
447
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,080
♪ Egg-smashing woman
448
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,640
♪ She's the egg-smashing woman
449
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:01,600
♪ And I am the egg
450
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:05,520
♪ I've been smashed
451
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,920
♪ Smashed by the woman
452
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,960
♪ You had sex with Trevor
453
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,080
♪ You fucking bitch. ♪
454
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:21,560
So, that song was dedicated
to a woman called Rachel Perkins.
455
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,240
I am SO over you.
456
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:28,920
And yeah, Rachel,
you can go around school telling
everyone that I haven't had sex
457
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:33,480
but, two weeks ago, I got
half a hand job from Kelly Bright
458
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,880
on the coach on the way home
from Cheddar Gorge.
37860
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