All language subtitles for Abbys.S01E05.Mail.Bin.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_eng

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- Abby's is filmed in front of
a live outdoor audience.

- I'm telling you,
that video was staged.

- And I'm telling you

if I can't trust a video
on the internet

sent to me by my aunt's
friend's friend,

then what can I trust?

- What'd I miss?

- James saw a video of a Corgi
riding a horse,

and he finds it inspiring,
but Fred thinks it's fake.

- A Corgi's legs are too small

for it to mount a horse
without help.

It'd be like a baby climbing
up on top of a Jeep.

- No, it wouldn't, because the
baby and Jeep aren't friends.

- This is like the opposite
of a think tank.

- Hey, Abby.
- Hey.

- I need a property tax
document

that would've come in the mail.
Have you seen it?

Wow, just ignoring me
I see.

Unless you can't hear me.

Oh, my God.
Am I dead?

- What?
- Thank God.

I have an irrational
fear sometimes

that I've become a ghost.

It's called the
"Sixth Sense" Syndrome.

Not common, but very real.

- Sorry, my brain shuts down

when I hear words
like tax or document.

It's called the
Wesley Snipes Syndrome.

It's not real,
but it's common.

- All right, well,
have you seen anything

with my name on it
come through the mail?

- I'm not sure.
I haven't looked

through it in a while,
but I'll go check.

- Hold on, I got a new theory
about the Corgi.

Maybe he used a ladder.

- Bill, will you explain
to James in engineery terms

why a Corgi cannot climb
a ladder.

- Ooh, this is gonna be
a fun one.

So due to their
exaggerated frame,

the Corgi's hind legs

can't support the weight
of the rest of the dog--

- Stop. Please, stop. Sorry,
I made a terrible mistake.

- All right, whatever mail
you're looking for

is somewhere in here.

- Abby, is that a laundry
basket full of unopened mail?

- Yeah, so?
- So?

This is like what
the police find

when they're one step
behind the serial killer.

Seriously, Abby,
how is this all unopened?

- I don't know.
I'm busy. Whatever.

Things just built up
in the last few days.

- This coupon says, "Say
good-bye to 2016 in style."

- All right,
so some of it's been

in there a little bit longer.

- Okay, from Marco's Mattress
alone

we have flyers from
the Grand Opening,

Memorial Day,
The First Anniversary Sale,

and The Going Out
Of Business Sale.

I find that very poignant.

- Hey, Abby, at the risk of
sounding like my therapist,

what the hell's wrong with you?

- I don't like opening mail.

Nothing good comes with
a stamp on it.

Plus, if I leave it unopened
long enough

I can just throw it away.

- Please don't throw these
catalogues away.

I love them. Every page is
something new you can buy.

It's like a paper internet.

- "Better With Age."

I'm guessing this was
a subscription for Bill's aunt?

- Whoa, the font in this
magazine is huge.

It's like my mom's iPhone.

- Hey, this is the third
unopened bill

I found from
the power company.

How do you keep the lights
on in this place?

- I pay it online.

- Well,
I do not trust the net.

You can't hack these.

- You know,
I wouldn't have pegged you

as a custom check guy.

What is that? An orca?
- Yeah, why?

You got a problem with that?
- Oh, no, I love it.

- Yeah, that's worse.

- Pizza slice sleeping bags?

Guys, if we get six of these,
we could make a whole pie.

I know what you're thinking.

Typically in a medium or large,
it's eight slices.

- That is not what
we were thinking.

- Hold on a second.

This one is addressed
to Abelarda.

Oh, my God.

Abby, is that your full name?

That is so embarrassing!
In your face, Abelarda.

Oh, man, I finally got
something I can razz you about.

All right, everyone, I really
need some teamwork here.

Circle your razz wagons.

We're gonna razz the hell
out of her.

Come on, razzers.

Why haven't you circled
your razz wagons?

- Never call me that again,
Bill.

- The only person that calls
her Abelarda is her father.

That's a letter from her dad.

- Oh, her father who she
doesn't get along with.

Oh, my God.
Abby, I'm so sorry.

I mean, in this world,
there are razzers

and those who are meant
to be razzed,

and I know I should know
my place.

- Yeah, I'll just throw it
in the junk pile.

- Abby, why?

- I haven't spoken to my dad
in a year.

If he's reaching out, it's
because he wants something.

'Cause he only cares
about himself.

Everything
is always about him.

For example,
he named me Abelarda.

His name is Abelardo,

and Abelarda is not a name.

- Yeah, I am not a fan.

He stole my bike.

- James, you let him borrow it.

- He manipulated me!
I had a Huffy,

and it had a card
clipped on it

so it made the motorcycle sound
when it rolled down.

- And he's always
hitting on me.

It's...awful?

- Yeah, he's the life
of the party,

but you can't count on him.
I was supposed to meet him once

at a Chargers game.
When I got to my seat,

there's some
stranger sitting there

'cause Abelardo had scalped
his ticket in the parking lot.

So instead I got stuck
with Craig,

who couldn't wait
to tell me the truth

about the moon landing.

Did you know the real Neil
Armstrong is still up there?

- Last year,
he insisted on coming

into town for my birthday,
so I finally caved,

we went to dinner,
and then after one drink,

he ditched me for
the flirty hostess

who said he had soulful eyes.
So we're not talking right now.

- I'm sorry, Abby.
- Oh, it's all right.

That's why that goes
in the junk pile.

- Wait--whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on a second here.

I mean,
what if this is important?

You know, could be an apology.

Could be, like,
a newspaper clipping

from a kid you went
to school with.

At least that's what
my parents sent me.

It's like, "Okay, Dad,

Tim Overton's
a big shot at Zillow."

I get it.

- The only thing in here, Bill,
is disappointment.

Let me show you.

It's a check for $287.

- Sea otter.
That's a solid choice.

.

- I know it's not gonna make
a lot of sense,

but a part of me was hoping
that my bike was in there.

There's one in this catalogue
that can fit in a purse.

- Why is he sending you a check
for $287.50?

- I have no idea.

I didn't even know he had
a bank account.

Although, National City Credit
Union and Boxing Supply

doesn't sound super legitimate.

- So there was no note,
just the check?

- Just the check.
Dated three weeks ago.

- Such a specific amount.
It has to be for something.

- I don't care, Bill.

You wanna know what this
check is about?

It's about him letting himself
off the hook.

If I cash this check,
it'll be like I'm saying,

"I forgive you, Dad.
I guess you were

"at my high school graduation

and not playing pai gow
at a casino in Tijuana."

- Yeah, but, Abby,
isn't forgiveness

an important part
of any healthy lifestyle?

I mean, look, I was bullied
by the same guy for 14 years.

Just last month, I was
an usher at his wedding.

- You worked at your
bully's wedding?

- Well, now...
I wasn't working there.

I just handed out programs,
you know?

I guess I did end up bartending
for a little while as well.

Come to think of it, I helped
the DJ pack up his equipment.

I was taken advantage of.

But the point is, it
might be time to forgive him.

- I'm not gonna forgive
my dad for $287.50.

It doesn't come close
to covering it

if that's even what
he's trying to do.

- "Better With Age"
says that people try

to reconcile with loved ones
in their twilight years,

and oh, my God,
this font is so big

this magazine
only has one article in it.

- Beth, you're with me, right?
You love a grudge.

You make us drive 3 miles
to the other McDonald's

because the cashier
at the McDonald's nearby

called you ma'am.

- I do love a grudge...

but I don't know on this one.

Parenting is really hard.
You make mistakes,

and you just hope
that your kids forgive you

for whatever bad things you do.

For example,

spending half their childhood
at the bar next door.

- I hear you, Beth, but some
dads just aren't that great.

When I was 12 years old,
I hooked a marlin,

and instead of helping me
reel it in,

my dad just watched
as I got yanked overboard.

- Maybe he was trying
to teach you

a valuable lesson
about self-reliance?

- Yeah, sure, Bill.

Well, him and his drinking
buddies were laughing at me,

but maybe he thought
it was funny

how self-reliant
I was gonna get.

- My parents escaped
the revolution in Iran

and had to get smuggled
across Europe.

When they got here,
they had $35 between them

and they knew no one.

My mom and my dad
both worked two jobs

to put me and my brother
through college.

But, oh, they can be
so annoying sometimes.

- Wish I had a bad parent
story to tell,

but Jim and Louise are lovely,
just the best.

They were very supportive when
my bike was stolen recently.

- Look, Abby,
I know it's complicated,

but he's your dad.
You know, and I don't know

what he was trying
to say with this check,

but he was trying
to say something.

I mean, don't you want to say
something back?

- You're right, Bill.
I do.

- Yes, okay, all aboard
the forgiveness train.

Choo, choo!

- What I want to say
is this check is stupid,

and we're gonna honor it
by spending it

on the stupidest thing
we could possibly think of.

- Aw, yeah.
- No, no, no, no.

I think you might have
misunderstood me there--

- No, no, Bill.
This is perfect.

I'm gonna show him what $287
of half-assed apologizing

is worth to me.
So what do you guys think?

Can we come up with something
dumb enough?

- Oh, yeah. I think this crew
is more than capable--

fish tank hot tub!
- Yes!

Okay, more ideas.
James, go.

- Okay, there's a massage chair
in here for 200 bucks.

Now, I know what
you're thinking--

massage chair,
where you gonna plug it in?

But then like three pages
later, boom--battery pants.

- Battery pants is
a wonderfully stupid idea,

but I think we can do dumber.
Beth?

- What if we get a bunch
of vodka?

Stay with me.
It's a ton of vodka.

But wait, wait.

It's a lot of vodka.

- Yeah, but we're supposed to
be coming up with stupid ideas.

- That's right.
A stupid amount of vodka.

- Ah.

- How about this?
We hire a magician,

they tell us their secrets,
then we're magicians.

- Oh, yes, okay,
thank you, Skip.

"Pasta salad."

Do you want us to buy $200
worth of pa--

He's asleep.

- $287...that has
to mean something.

Now if you assign a letter
to the numbers 2, 8, and 7,

you get B-H-G.

Now, is it possible
that that's the initials

to a nickname he gave you?

Something like baby honey goat.

Did he call you
baby honey goat?

- Yep, you cracked it.

- Aha!
Abby, I got it.

Remember we had
that big debate over whether

we should get a hot dog machine
or a popcorn machine?

- Yeah.
- And remember how you insisted

that we didn't have enough
space for both of them?

- Right.
- Well, I present to you

The PopDog.

all: Ooh.

- A two-in-one,
awe-inspiring machine

that both cooks hot dogs
and pops corn.

- I mean, how is that even
possible?

What happens
to the hot dog juice?

- Damn it, Bill.

Would you stop
dissecting the miracle?

Make room in your life
for magic.

- All right, you guys
have really outdone yourselves.

I mean,
these ideas are so stupid.

It's hard for me to choose one.

I think we should use
the Wheel of Jukebox.

- Yes.
- Ooh, okay.

- What's the Wheel of Jukebox?

- The first Sunday
of every month,

we take all the quarters
out of the jukebox.

- And then we spin this wheel,

and whoever's face it lands on
gets to decide

how we spend the money.

- Counteroffer--instead of
spinning a wheel,

you call your father
and have an honest discussion.

all: Boo!

- The forgiveness train
derailed

when it hit
the baby honey goat, Bill.

Get on the stupid train.

all: Whoo, whoo!

.

- All right,
let's go over the rules.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait,
my picture's not up there.

- Oh, right, we haven't taken
your official bar photo yet.

So, um...

That's Bill.

- Ha ha ha.
- Piece of chewed gum?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
Let's stop everything

so that we can take
your picture,

go to a drug store,
print it out,

and then cut it out
to fit on this wheel.

Is that what you want?
- No, it's not what--

- Guys, stop everything!

Bill and I have to go
to Walgreens.

- I'm just thinking,
even if you use the money

to buy something dumb
to stick it to Abelardo,

he's still gonna see
that you cashed the check.

- So what?
- Maybe he's gonna take that

as an invitation to walk back
into your life.

- No, I don't think
that's what he's trying to do.

If he was trying
to reconnect with me,

he might have, I don't know,
called me or showed up

or at least explained
what 287.50 means.

- Yeah, maybe.

You know what would be cool?

If there was an envelope

that you could write
the letter on.

A post card.
I just described a post card.

- All right, the spinning
will now commence.

- All right, now,
hold on a second.

We gotta do this right, okay?

I mean,
why do you get to spin?

If anything, we should spin
to see who spins, right?

- Bill, don't be crazy.
Obviously, to see who spins

we reach into a bucket and
we pull out a ping pong ball

with a back-bencher's
name on it.

- Dan!

- Oh, uh, I don't want
that much responsibility.

- Oh, suck it up, Dan.

If you didn't want
the responsibility,

you shouldn't have had a name

we could put on
a ping pong ball.

- Listen, Dan, give that wheel
the ol' Beth flick,

and you'll get all the free
vodka you can handle.

- Oh, thank you,
but I don't drink vodka

because I'm allergic
to potatoes.

All nightshades, really.

An eggplant could kill me.

- Nothing sexier than a man

that can get taken down
by an eggplant.

- Don't listen to her, Dan.

You spin however
it feels natural.

Just make sure it lands
on my face.

- Hi, Dan. See that piece of
gum there?

That's me,
and I want to get Skip

his pasta salad.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Dan, I love you!

- I did nothing.
I swear.

- That's right, Dan.
You did nothing.

And I'll always
remember that.

- Oh, God, no.

- Well, then I guess
we're getting a PopDog.

- Uh, first off, I would
like to thank Abby

for without whom
I wouldn't even be here.

I gotta say thank you to God,
of course,

I love you, big fella.
You're amazing.

Shout-out to the lady

who invented the hot dog buns,
right?

They were just gonna
put it on bread,

but this pioneer...

she had the vision to say,
"Hold on, give me a second."

- Abby.

Before you cash
that check,

I found another letter
from your dad.

- What?
- Yeah, it was buried

in a stack of
Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons.

Also, next time you buy
bar towels,

you're getting like
1,200% off.

- God, my dad's handwriting
is so bad.

"I've been thinking
a lot about you

"and I wanted you to
have this

so I could make out with the
23 buttholes I missed?"

- I think that's

Make up for the 23
birthdays I missed."

- Oh! Oh, that's better.

- Yeah.

- Says he's giving me $25
for every birthday he missed,

but for tax reasons, he's
sending it in two installments.

And there's a check for 287.50.

- You opened the second
check first.

- Installments.
Classic Dad.

It's also how he paid
my orthodontist.

Dr. Otto did not like that.

I had braces on
for eight years.

Actually,
kind of a nice gesture.

Like a good dad.

- Yeah, you know,
if this changes

the way you feel about
the money

and you want to spend
it differently,

I'm sure James
would understand.

Yeah, actually, he won't.
He'll be devastated.

But we'll call Jim and Louise.
They'll know what to do.

- Thanks, I'll think about it.

- And last but not least,

I got to give a thanks
to Granny D.

She's not actually dead.
She just lives in Canada.

- Didn't he already thank
his grandma?

- He's thanked everyone.

He's been doing this
for 20 minutes.

- Oh, my God!
Where is it?

Where's the PopDog?

Wait, let me guess.
You wrapped it up

like a Lexus on Christmas,

and it's in the driveway
with a bow on it.

- I'm sorry, James.
There's not gonna be a PopDog.

- What?

I won Wheel of Jukebox
fair and square.

You all saw it.
Dan picked me.

- I-I didn't pick anyone.

Please don't drag me
back into this.

- Oh, you're in this Dan,
but no hard feelings.

Let me buy you an eggplant.

- Guys, we got to support
Abby here.

It's her money.

Her dad gave it
to her as a gift.

So she should be able to decide
how it's spent.

- No, it's not that.

The check bounced.

Check cashing place
and the guy behind the counter

said the check bounced,
and I said,

"No, sir, that's impossible.
My dad sent me this check."

and then mid-sentence
I thought,

"Oh, of course it did."

Because my dad
sent me that check,

and I'm a big, fat idiot.

- All right, I'm pretty
fired up about this.

Where is it?
Let's go, huh?

What's the matter?
I got everything on the list.

It was so hard to carry
all this stuff. What?

.

- Hey, Abby, you okay?

- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
I mean, I told you guys.

Nothing good
ever comes in the mail,

and this is the proof.

So just gonna burn this stuff.

- Oh, I don't--
- Uhh.

- Hey, Abby,
we sort of have a soft rule

about you being near fire
when you're mad.

- Oh, I'm not mad.

I just don't need
any of this stuff.

Pre-approved credit card?
Trash.

Jury summons?
Nope.

Do not bend.
Do not care.

Property tax document
enclosed.

- You can't burn that.
Wesley Snipes!

- Shh.

She needs this.

- I wanna burn more stuff.

- Uh...just a thought,
but instead maybe

you want to talk about
your dad?

- I mean,
this is classic Abelardo.

He does something
or says something

and you really hope
he means it,

but he never does.
And every time it happens,

you realize
you're the stupid one

for thinking that
he might have changed.

Everything he does
is a check that bounces,

and I just need to learn
to stop cashing them.

- I'm sorry I complained
about my parents earlier.

They're not annoying.

But my dad this thing
with soup that--

forget it, yeah.

Your thing now.
My thing probably never.

- I just got excited
about a PopDog.

I never had a PopDog
in my life,

and I thought having a PopDog
might be kind of cool.

- Hey, Abby.

We don't always get
the PopDog we deserve,

but that doesn't mean you
shouldn't have one now, so...

Who wants to get Abby
a PopDog?

- I'm in.

I think she's been doing
very well this whole time

without a PopDog,
but if she wants one, I'm in.

- This whole thing
is making me

want to call my PopDog
right now.

- Dan, we're putting in money,
man.

What the hell?

- I am so sorry.
Yeah, here you go.

Take it. Take it all.

Actually, can I keep a 5.00
for a taxi ride home?

- No.
- You're right. I'll walk.

- Thanks, guys.

This means a lot.

That's only like $35.

- I thought this was
mostly symbolic.

- Hey.

So here's that tax thing
you wanted.

It's mostly scorched,
but you can still kind of

sort of make out the address
of the place

you're gonna have to go
wait in line and get a new one.

- Look, Abby,
I'm sorry that I pushed you

to reconnect with your dad.

I should have just
stayed out of it.

- It's okay. Your heart
was in the right place.

And look what
we got out of it.

I mean, she is gorgeous.

- Okay, enough, he's a boy.

Boats are girls,
PopDogs are boys.

I'm not having
this argument again.

- Well, James,
he's a thing of beauty.

- Yeah, that's what you think

until you're the first person
who has to clean it.

- Ech. Yep. It's like when
my kids wanted to get a dog.

I said, "Okay, as long as
you take care of it.

I'm not gonna be responsible
for keeping it alive."

- Beth, you don't have a dog.

- Consider that lesson learned.
- What?

- Oh, God.
I didn't let the dog die.

He's living on a farm now.

all: Oh...
- It's a real farm.

He's not dead, you guys.

I'm not monster.

- Well, what are we
waiting for?

Might as well fire it up.

Our miracle machine
is a little loud.

- Yeah, well, that makes sense.

It's probably because,
in engineering terms,

the coefficient of friction
inside the rotisserie

is very high.

And since it's made out
of metal it vibrates--

I can't hear myself think.

- Guys, I'm so glad we
bought this.