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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:01,407 --> 00:01:03,363 Hi, Ma. 2 00:01:06,447 --> 00:01:10,156 Aren't you going to ask me why I'm sitting in the dark? 3 00:01:10,247 --> 00:01:14,399 I know. Your birthday's this weekend and you're depressed about being older. 4 00:01:14,487 --> 00:01:18,321 No. I'm depressed because you give me such lousy birthday presents. 5 00:01:18,407 --> 00:01:22,605 Ma, you want better presents, adopt Monty Hall. 6 00:01:23,607 --> 00:01:27,361 I wish I could. Jewish sons are the best. 7 00:01:28,527 --> 00:01:30,643 They give great gifts, always call, 8 00:01:30,727 --> 00:01:34,561 and you don't have to worry about them getting hurt playing sports. 9 00:01:34,647 --> 00:01:37,878 Ma, trust me. You are going to love your present. 10 00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:40,845 - What is it? - You'll find out Saturday. 11 00:01:40,927 --> 00:01:45,125 I'm old. I could die before I see it. You'd feel terrible. 12 00:01:45,207 --> 00:01:50,076 Of course I would. I got it on sale. I can't return it. 13 00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:52,397 We just went shopping for Sophia's party. 14 00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:54,762 That's what I want to talk about. 15 00:01:54,847 --> 00:01:56,758 It's hard finding a present. 16 00:01:56,847 --> 00:01:59,486 - What are you getting? - I'd rather not say. 17 00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:02,001 - A surprise. - You know what it is? 18 00:02:02,087 --> 00:02:03,998 That's right. 19 00:02:04,087 --> 00:02:06,317 How come I don't get to know? 20 00:02:06,407 --> 00:02:09,319 Rose. 21 00:02:09,407 --> 00:02:12,126 How can I say this diplomatically? 22 00:02:13,607 --> 00:02:15,518 You're a blabbermouth, Rose. 23 00:02:15,607 --> 00:02:17,598 You're a blabbermouth. 24 00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:22,044 OK, so I made one little slip. 25 00:02:22,127 --> 00:02:27,281 So I told Harriet Webster you had your ears pinned back in college. 26 00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:31,797 Dorothy, you had your ears pinned back. 27 00:02:31,887 --> 00:02:34,560 What did they use, a big ear stapler? 28 00:02:36,887 --> 00:02:39,481 OK, so I made a few little slips. 29 00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:43,116 But I can keep a secret. I'll prove it to you. 30 00:02:43,207 --> 00:02:47,644 If I spill the beans, I'll give you my most prized possession. 31 00:02:47,727 --> 00:02:49,638 No, Rose, I couldn't do that. 32 00:02:49,727 --> 00:02:51,957 I couldn't accept your favourite album, 33 00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,607 Hans Klabnermeyer Yodels Beethoven. 34 00:02:57,207 --> 00:03:00,802 Actually, I am going to tell you what I'm getting Ma, 35 00:03:00,887 --> 00:03:02,878 because I need your help. Wait. 36 00:03:05,047 --> 00:03:07,038 My nose. 37 00:03:08,527 --> 00:03:10,518 Ma, quit listening at the door. 38 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:18,680 I'm flying my mother's sister Angela over from Sicily. 39 00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:21,679 And she's bringing the surprise? 40 00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:30,001 Rose, she is the surprise. 41 00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:33,038 They haven't seen each other 42 00:03:33,127 --> 00:03:36,324 since Angela moved back to Sicily 30 years ago. 43 00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,642 That's a wonderful surprise. 44 00:03:39,727 --> 00:03:42,639 I need your help to set up the party 45 00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:46,322 and keep Ma out of the house while I pick up Angela. 46 00:03:47,447 --> 00:03:49,722 Ma, get away from the back door. 47 00:03:50,727 --> 00:03:53,958 Have you got eyes in the back of your head? 48 00:03:54,047 --> 00:03:58,757 Ma, why can't you just relax and enjoy your surprise? 49 00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:00,803 Because the last surprise I got 50 00:04:00,887 --> 00:04:04,516 was walking in on cousin Vito parading around in my girdle. 51 00:04:07,327 --> 00:04:09,887 You're going to love this one, Sophia. 52 00:04:09,967 --> 00:04:14,006 You know what it is? What about the blabbermouth, does she know? 53 00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,526 Maybe. 54 00:04:16,607 --> 00:04:18,598 She knows. 55 00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,882 Rose, after dinner, what do you say 56 00:04:21,967 --> 00:04:25,880 we ride over to the Dairy Queen for chocolate cones? My treat. 57 00:04:25,967 --> 00:04:28,720 With rainbow sprinkles? They're five cents extra. 58 00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:31,275 What the hell? I'm a sport. 59 00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:45,598 Are you still here? Dorothy's due back with Angela. 60 00:04:45,687 --> 00:04:48,838 Sophia keeps finding excuses not to go shopping. 61 00:04:51,287 --> 00:04:53,278 I'm ready, Rose. 62 00:04:54,447 --> 00:04:56,483 Sophia, what's the matter? 63 00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:58,797 I saw the doctor yesterday and he... 64 00:04:58,887 --> 00:05:01,242 I can't talk about it. Let's go. 65 00:05:01,327 --> 00:05:03,522 Wait a minute. What is it? 66 00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:07,566 You dragged it out of me. My heart is a time bomb. 67 00:05:07,647 --> 00:05:11,879 But don't be concerned. Even though I've only made love in one position, 68 00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:14,561 I've led a very full life. 69 00:05:16,287 --> 00:05:18,847 - Let's go. - Wait a minute. 70 00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:20,838 Isn't there something we can do? 71 00:05:20,927 --> 00:05:25,159 He says any little shock or surprise and it's kaboom. 72 00:05:25,247 --> 00:05:27,841 I guess all we can do is pray. 73 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:31,124 Unless you know of any surprises, Rose? 74 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,918 Sophia, now, you stop trying to trick Rose, 75 00:05:37,007 --> 00:05:40,044 just because she's weak and vulnerable and dim-witted. 76 00:05:42,607 --> 00:05:44,598 Yeah. 77 00:05:45,847 --> 00:05:49,283 OK, Blanche, I give up. Rose, let's go shopping. 78 00:05:51,647 --> 00:05:53,877 Sorry you got stuck shopping with me. 79 00:05:53,967 --> 00:05:56,242 I realise Dorothy is forcing you. 80 00:05:56,327 --> 00:05:58,238 - No, she isn't. - Yes, she is. 81 00:05:58,327 --> 00:06:02,366 She always takes terrible advantage of you, Rose. 82 00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:05,120 - We should go. - Wait. Listen. 83 00:06:05,207 --> 00:06:08,882 At the movies, who always stands in line for the popcorn? 84 00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:10,878 I do. 85 00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:13,959 - Who always lifts up furniture? - I do. 86 00:06:14,047 --> 00:06:16,607 When we clean the kitchen, who always mops? 87 00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:19,281 - Dorothy. - Who cleans the mop? 88 00:06:20,327 --> 00:06:22,238 I do. 89 00:06:22,327 --> 00:06:26,240 She takes advantage, Rose, and it's time you stood up to her. 90 00:06:26,327 --> 00:06:29,683 There's no time like the present. Speaking of presents... 91 00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:34,477 Rose, what are you doing here? I asked you to take Ma shopping. 92 00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:38,196 Take your mop and put it where herring don't swim. 93 00:06:40,527 --> 00:06:42,518 I was this close. 94 00:06:48,327 --> 00:06:50,443 Dorothy, you're home. Where's Angela? 95 00:06:50,527 --> 00:06:52,245 Still out in the car. 96 00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:55,603 Aunt Angela, you were supposed to wait in the car. 97 00:06:55,687 --> 00:06:57,996 - Did anyone see you? - Relax. 98 00:06:58,087 --> 00:07:02,000 Somebody passed by and I made like I was a lawn jockey. 99 00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:06,000 I think it worked. His dog tried to pee on me. 100 00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:10,559 Aunt Angela, please meet my dear friend Blanche. 101 00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,558 Blanche, this is my Aunt Angela. 102 00:07:12,647 --> 00:07:15,559 Pleasure to meet you. Shall I get Angela's luggage? 103 00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:18,878 - She doesn't have any luggage. - I never travel with luggage. 104 00:07:18,967 --> 00:07:22,642 Ever since I found a dead man in my suitcase. 105 00:07:23,687 --> 00:07:26,485 You found a dead man in your suitcase? 106 00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:28,478 Right. Picture it. 107 00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:32,003 New York City. 1956. 108 00:07:32,087 --> 00:07:34,681 I was a young widow returning to Sicily. 109 00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:37,600 There I was on the boat alone, 110 00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:40,918 watching Lady Liberty grow smaller in the distance. 111 00:07:41,007 --> 00:07:45,000 When suddenly I heard a voice from the vicinity of my knees. 112 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,918 I looked down. 113 00:07:48,007 --> 00:07:49,963 There was a midget. 114 00:07:50,047 --> 00:07:53,642 It turns out that his name was Peewee Bonbunzi, 115 00:07:53,727 --> 00:07:56,764 and he was fleeing from the Mob. 116 00:07:56,847 --> 00:08:01,762 For the next few days, we ate together, laughed together, 117 00:08:01,847 --> 00:08:04,645 and went for short walks in circles. 118 00:08:05,647 --> 00:08:08,480 And then, one day, suddenly Peewee disappeared. 119 00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:10,478 We docked in Sicily. 120 00:08:10,567 --> 00:08:12,478 I was going through customs. 121 00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:15,843 I noticed a strange odour coming from my suitcase. 122 00:08:17,007 --> 00:08:21,239 I thought it was the veal shank I was bringing for Mother's Day. 123 00:08:21,327 --> 00:08:23,921 But when the customs man opened the suitcase, 124 00:08:24,007 --> 00:08:26,123 there was Peewee. 125 00:08:27,647 --> 00:08:29,877 Someone had stuffed him in my suitcase 126 00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:32,640 between the veal shank and my beaver coat. 127 00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:36,605 The Mob had gotten Peewee after all. 128 00:08:36,687 --> 00:08:38,996 You must have been heartbroken. 129 00:08:39,087 --> 00:08:40,998 I was absolutely devastated. 130 00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:45,683 I mean, first I had to burn the suitcase and then the beaver coat. 131 00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:49,123 And the veal shank never did taste right. 132 00:08:50,527 --> 00:08:52,677 Aunt Angela, you made that up. 133 00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:55,679 I'm 80. As long as I keep talking, 134 00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:57,997 I know my heart is still beating. 135 00:08:58,087 --> 00:09:01,079 Angela, may I offer you something to eat? 136 00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:04,762 As long as it isn't veal. It's not because of Peewee. 137 00:09:04,847 --> 00:09:06,838 I had some on the plane. 138 00:09:09,727 --> 00:09:11,877 Ma, what are you doing home? 139 00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:14,322 My shopping list is in the kitchen. 140 00:09:14,407 --> 00:09:17,717 There you are, Sophia. She outsmarted me, Dorothy. 141 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,035 You're kidding. 142 00:09:21,927 --> 00:09:23,838 I mean, how is that possible? 143 00:09:23,927 --> 00:09:26,043 It wasn't my fault. 144 00:09:26,127 --> 00:09:30,803 We were backing down the driveway and Sophia said I ran over Mrs Stofer. 145 00:09:30,887 --> 00:09:33,526 And you believed her? 146 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,518 I had to check. 147 00:09:35,607 --> 00:09:39,759 Last week I pinned her to the fence on a right turn. 148 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:41,758 I'll get my shopping list. 149 00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:43,758 I have your shopping list. 150 00:09:43,847 --> 00:09:47,396 Everyone is happy with the possible exception of Mrs Stofer. 151 00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:49,557 Enjoy your shopping. 152 00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:52,764 Why don't I show Angela where she'll be staying? 153 00:09:52,847 --> 00:09:56,237 Get yourself settled and then we'll catch up on family. 154 00:09:56,327 --> 00:09:58,795 OK. You know, Blanche here could be 155 00:09:58,887 --> 00:10:01,401 the identical twin of your cousin Apollonia. 156 00:10:01,487 --> 00:10:04,047 Apollonia was a stunningly beautiful woman. 157 00:10:04,127 --> 00:10:06,038 Thank you. 158 00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:08,118 Except for that huge donkey butt. 159 00:10:21,007 --> 00:10:22,918 Hi, Ma, are you having fun? 160 00:10:23,007 --> 00:10:24,998 No, give me my present. 161 00:10:25,807 --> 00:10:29,766 Not until after we slice my looks-like-chocolate, tastes-like-spice, 162 00:10:29,847 --> 00:10:33,078 you'Il-wish-you-had- a-bigger-slice marble cake. 163 00:10:35,807 --> 00:10:39,482 - Know where it got its name? - No, give me my present. 164 00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,478 I'll go get the candles. 165 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:44,478 Rose, I've got to congratulate you. 166 00:10:44,567 --> 00:10:47,161 You made it without giving away my present. 167 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,841 You stop trying to make me tell you. 168 00:10:49,927 --> 00:10:53,044 Relax, Rose. Dorothy already told me what it is. 169 00:10:53,127 --> 00:10:55,880 - She did? - Yeah, what a present. 170 00:10:55,967 --> 00:10:58,037 Boy, was I surprised. 171 00:10:58,127 --> 00:11:01,915 Dorothy, I didn't know you'd already told Sophia her surprise was... 172 00:11:02,007 --> 00:11:03,725 Rose. 173 00:11:03,807 --> 00:11:05,718 All right, Ma. 174 00:11:05,807 --> 00:11:07,923 You'll get your present right now. 175 00:11:08,007 --> 00:11:10,840 I give up. You win. You always win. 176 00:11:10,927 --> 00:11:13,282 I know. Me and Mighty Mouse. 177 00:11:14,327 --> 00:11:16,397 All right, everybody, gather round. 178 00:11:16,487 --> 00:11:19,877 My daughter is about to give me my big birthday surprise. 179 00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:23,676 I just want to say happy birthday to my mother, 180 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,918 whom I love very, very much. 181 00:11:27,007 --> 00:11:30,795 And I just hope that you love this present 182 00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:34,765 as much as I love giving it to you. 183 00:11:34,847 --> 00:11:36,838 OK, Blanche. 184 00:11:43,447 --> 00:11:44,436 Angela? 185 00:11:44,527 --> 00:11:46,518 No, Gina Lollobrigida. 186 00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:50,478 This is my surprise? 187 00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:51,556 Yes. 188 00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:55,686 - Happy birthday, Ma. - Happy birthday? 189 00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:58,281 You call this old bag a present? 190 00:11:59,647 --> 00:12:03,356 You brought me all the way from Sicily to be insulted? 191 00:12:03,447 --> 00:12:05,881 I hate that woman. 192 00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:07,958 I hate her double. 193 00:12:20,887 --> 00:12:22,798 - Did you get 'em talking? - Nope. 194 00:12:22,887 --> 00:12:27,802 I just spent a half hour out in the hall talking to two closed doors. 195 00:12:27,887 --> 00:12:33,325 Don't feel bad. Sometimes I talk to the little pigs on my shower curtain. 196 00:12:33,407 --> 00:12:37,036 I was trying to talk to my mother and Aunt Angela. 197 00:12:37,127 --> 00:12:40,039 But they wouldn't talk to me or each other. 198 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,766 I have no idea what this is about. 199 00:12:42,847 --> 00:12:46,681 There's only one thing that turns relatives into enemies. Jealousy. 200 00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:51,761 I ought to know. You see, I was a devastatingly beautiful child. 201 00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:56,123 Pink cheeks, cute little button nose, 202 00:12:56,207 --> 00:12:59,119 red ruby lips, adorable, little ringlet curls. 203 00:12:59,207 --> 00:13:02,802 I was the tallest baby in the history of New York 204 00:13:02,887 --> 00:13:06,562 and had a rash on my head till I was two. 205 00:13:10,127 --> 00:13:12,721 My sister Charmaine was insanely jealous of me 206 00:13:12,807 --> 00:13:15,367 from when I was a gorgeous little infant. 207 00:13:15,447 --> 00:13:18,996 She was one year ahead and we'd compete for everything. 208 00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:22,719 But there was one thing Charmaine did excel at. 209 00:13:22,807 --> 00:13:24,399 Cheerleading. 210 00:13:24,487 --> 00:13:27,718 Not only could she twirl that baton like a propeller, 211 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,037 but knew every cheer in the county. 212 00:13:30,127 --> 00:13:34,598 And she could twist her body into the shape of an R. 213 00:13:39,807 --> 00:13:42,719 Charmaine decided it was her turn in the spotlight. 214 00:13:42,807 --> 00:13:45,037 She challenged me to compete against her 215 00:13:45,127 --> 00:13:47,357 for captain of the cheerleading squad. 216 00:13:47,447 --> 00:13:50,359 We had to perform in front of the entire school, 217 00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:52,358 and Charmaine was fantastic. 218 00:13:52,447 --> 00:13:54,403 She twirled those batons so fast, 219 00:13:54,487 --> 00:13:58,196 she looked like a DC3 coming in for a landing. 220 00:13:58,287 --> 00:14:00,562 Then it was my turn. 221 00:14:00,647 --> 00:14:03,559 So I did some cartwheels and only fell once. 222 00:14:03,647 --> 00:14:06,764 I did a handstand and almost got my balance. 223 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:09,441 And I only dropped my baton four times. 224 00:14:09,527 --> 00:14:10,926 And when I was finished, 225 00:14:11,007 --> 00:14:14,556 I was unanimously voted captain of the cheerleading squad. 226 00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:16,877 Blanche, how was that possible? 227 00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:19,481 Underneath my regulation uniform, 228 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,559 I was wearing little, black French lace panties. 229 00:14:24,127 --> 00:14:26,687 Bearing the words "bonjour". 230 00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:32,118 Or was it "bon app�tit"? 231 00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:42,479 I don't remember. Anyway, it was something in French. 232 00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:45,479 I guess, nobody minded I couldn't do a handstand, 233 00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:48,320 but they surely did appreciate me trying. 234 00:14:49,327 --> 00:14:51,238 I don't understand. 235 00:14:51,327 --> 00:14:55,161 Blanche, just once, why couldn't you let your sister win? 236 00:14:55,247 --> 00:14:57,807 I told you. Jealousy is a terrible thing. 237 00:14:57,887 --> 00:15:01,004 That'll teach Charmaine to be Daddy's favourite. 238 00:15:01,087 --> 00:15:05,000 Girls, there is only one way we're going to solve this problem. 239 00:15:05,087 --> 00:15:09,046 We have to find out what Sophia and Angela are mad about. 240 00:15:09,127 --> 00:15:11,516 And then force them to settle it. 241 00:15:11,607 --> 00:15:13,837 It's like that old Scandinavian saying. 242 00:15:13,927 --> 00:15:17,522 "You can let two angry mackerel fight it out in a purse, 243 00:15:17,607 --> 00:15:21,282 but don't plan on carrying that purse to a formal affair." 244 00:15:29,047 --> 00:15:31,641 It loses a little in the... 245 00:15:31,727 --> 00:15:33,718 Translation. 246 00:15:34,727 --> 00:15:39,847 But the point of it is, it's human nature to want to make up. 247 00:15:39,927 --> 00:15:41,838 People stay angry out of habit. 248 00:15:41,927 --> 00:15:46,682 If we can just get Angela and Sophia to talk, they'll do the rest. 249 00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:49,042 - Sounds logical to me. - To me, too. 250 00:15:49,127 --> 00:15:52,039 But don't forget we're dealing with two old women 251 00:15:52,127 --> 00:15:56,040 who think that boils on a man are a sign of virility. 252 00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:59,119 I mean, logic doesn't exactly apply here. 253 00:15:59,207 --> 00:16:02,802 - At least we can give it a try. - Rose is right. 254 00:16:02,887 --> 00:16:04,878 You take Angela, we'll take Sophia. 255 00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:07,197 Fine. At this point I'll try anything. 256 00:16:07,287 --> 00:16:10,643 I thought it was the size of a man's feet 257 00:16:10,727 --> 00:16:12,683 that were a sign of virility. 258 00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:15,361 I thought it was the number of newspapers 259 00:16:15,447 --> 00:16:17,517 piled outside the motel room door. 260 00:16:21,327 --> 00:16:23,283 Aunt Angela, please. 261 00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:25,278 We have to talk. 262 00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,278 What's to talk about? 263 00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:29,278 Your mother's a stubborn old goat, 264 00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:34,202 who apparently pays a buck and a half to have her hair done. 265 00:16:34,287 --> 00:16:38,838 - What is going on between you two? - I don't want to talk about it. 266 00:16:38,927 --> 00:16:41,919 I spent weeks working on this surprise, 267 00:16:42,007 --> 00:16:46,762 only to have it blow up in my face. I deserve to know why. 268 00:16:46,847 --> 00:16:48,758 OK. 269 00:16:48,847 --> 00:16:52,078 OK, you want to know so bad, I'll tell you. 270 00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:54,158 Picture it. 271 00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:58,637 New York City. Christmas 1955. 272 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,878 It's Francesca Ragouso's annual Christmas bash. 273 00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:05,880 Everybody is there, eating, drinking, guzzling the Pepto-Bismol. 274 00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:08,720 Francesca's a beautiful woman, 275 00:17:08,807 --> 00:17:12,482 but she makes a manicotti like you could anchor a boat with. 276 00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:16,480 As usual Sophia's stationed at the eggnog 277 00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:21,004 and she's drinking right from the bowl through a swizzle stick. 278 00:17:21,087 --> 00:17:24,318 My husband Carmine walks in and passes under the mistletoe. 279 00:17:24,407 --> 00:17:28,320 She makes a beeline to him and gives him such a kiss 280 00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:31,046 she practically sucks the beard off his face. 281 00:17:31,127 --> 00:17:34,199 I don't remember Uncle Carmine having a beard. 282 00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:38,644 He was in a Santa suit with one of those hook-on beards. 283 00:17:39,687 --> 00:17:42,963 I mean, I can't believe what I'm looking at. 284 00:17:43,047 --> 00:17:47,962 I yank her into the pantry and I say, "What do you think you're doing?" 285 00:17:48,047 --> 00:17:51,960 She says she thought Cunio the bookmaker was in the Santa suit. 286 00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:54,845 I say, "That's a lie." 287 00:17:54,927 --> 00:17:57,202 We have a big fight about it. 288 00:17:57,287 --> 00:18:00,518 She denies the whole thing and we never speak again. 289 00:18:00,607 --> 00:18:02,598 That was 30 years ago. 290 00:18:02,687 --> 00:18:05,679 Don't you think you should talk to each other? 291 00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:08,520 I won't say one word unless she apologises. 292 00:18:08,607 --> 00:18:10,916 That's the only reason I came here. 293 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,918 Aunt Angela, please. 294 00:18:13,007 --> 00:18:14,918 We're talking about family here. 295 00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:17,521 Won't you try to work it out? 296 00:18:17,607 --> 00:18:20,485 Do it for your favourite niece. 297 00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:24,321 What's your cousin Graziella got to do with this? 298 00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:28,245 Please, just do it. Please. Please. 299 00:18:28,327 --> 00:18:32,240 - Pretty please. - All right. Don't beg. 300 00:18:32,327 --> 00:18:37,321 You sound just like your Uncle Carmine after he'd been away on a goat drive. 301 00:18:38,687 --> 00:18:40,917 - You won't tell us? - Nope. 302 00:18:41,007 --> 00:18:44,124 That's your choice, but you're making a mistake. 303 00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,880 The same thing happened in my family once. 304 00:18:46,967 --> 00:18:50,596 - My cousin Astrid... - I'll tell you what happened. 305 00:18:51,647 --> 00:18:53,558 Picture it. New York City. 306 00:18:53,647 --> 00:18:55,877 Christmas, 1955. 307 00:18:55,967 --> 00:18:58,401 Francesca Ragouso's annual Christmas bash. 308 00:18:58,487 --> 00:19:02,719 Everyone was there including the neighbourhood heartthrob Salvadore. 309 00:19:02,807 --> 00:19:04,718 All the women adore Salvadore, 310 00:19:04,807 --> 00:19:07,924 the only guy in the room with a neck. 311 00:19:08,807 --> 00:19:11,719 Anyway, I'm feeling a little queasy. 312 00:19:11,807 --> 00:19:15,117 Francesca makes a great party, but she bakes a manicotti 313 00:19:15,207 --> 00:19:17,163 you could anchor a boat with. 314 00:19:17,247 --> 00:19:19,317 So I go upstairs for a seltzer 315 00:19:19,407 --> 00:19:21,841 when suddenly Salvadore grabs me from behind 316 00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:23,997 and begins passionately kissing me. 317 00:19:24,087 --> 00:19:28,717 Being a respectable married woman, I cop a few good feels. 318 00:19:29,807 --> 00:19:33,038 I push him away and run back to the party. 319 00:19:33,127 --> 00:19:38,042 I tell the only person in the world I trust. My sister Angela. 320 00:19:38,127 --> 00:19:41,722 Five minutes later, everybody at the party is talking about it. 321 00:19:41,807 --> 00:19:47,086 I drag Angela into the pantry and ask her how she could betray her sister. 322 00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,920 We have a big fight, she denies everything 323 00:19:50,007 --> 00:19:52,043 and we never speak again. 324 00:19:52,127 --> 00:19:54,721 But, Sophia, honey, that was 30 years ago. 325 00:19:54,807 --> 00:19:57,560 Isn't it time to forgive and forget? 326 00:19:57,647 --> 00:20:00,207 Forget I do plenty. I never forgive. 327 00:20:00,287 --> 00:20:02,198 But Angela's your sister. 328 00:20:02,287 --> 00:20:06,803 If she wants to talk to me, she knows where to find me. 329 00:20:06,887 --> 00:20:09,560 - In the closet. - Ma. 330 00:20:09,647 --> 00:20:11,956 Angela has something she'd like to say. 331 00:20:13,687 --> 00:20:15,757 So does Sophia. 332 00:20:25,087 --> 00:20:26,076 Hello. 333 00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:28,078 Yeah, hello. 334 00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:30,078 Your hair got white. 335 00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:32,158 So did yours. 336 00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:35,078 You still got that cat? 337 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,840 The same cat I had 30 years ago? 338 00:20:38,847 --> 00:20:40,838 Fine. You ask the questions. 339 00:20:40,927 --> 00:20:44,476 - Don't tell me what to do. - Let's not lose our tempers. 340 00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:47,161 If you don't apologise, why don't you leave? 341 00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,681 - Why should I apologise? - I'll tell you why. 342 00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:52,964 You're nothing but a backstabbing Judas in sensible shoes. 343 00:20:53,047 --> 00:20:54,958 You know what you are? 344 00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:58,198 You're a two-lira tramp with cheap bridgework. 345 00:20:59,247 --> 00:21:01,841 May you put your dentures in upside down 346 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,918 and chew your head off. 347 00:21:05,407 --> 00:21:07,875 May your legs grow old and gnarled 348 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,083 and withered like an olive branch. 349 00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,806 You should be so lucky. 350 00:21:12,887 --> 00:21:16,562 May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale's. 351 00:21:16,647 --> 00:21:20,162 May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta. 352 00:21:20,247 --> 00:21:22,283 That's it. 353 00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:25,165 Come here and say that to my face. 354 00:21:34,647 --> 00:21:37,241 Aunt Angela, you really don't have to go. 355 00:21:37,327 --> 00:21:40,603 Dorothy, I'd like to stay, but I hate your mother. 356 00:21:40,687 --> 00:21:43,759 Goodbye, ladies, and thank you for everything. 357 00:21:43,847 --> 00:21:46,759 - She's still here? - No, I left an hour ago. 358 00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,759 - What does it look like? - At least say goodbye. 359 00:21:49,847 --> 00:21:52,486 Like civilized human beings. 360 00:21:53,727 --> 00:21:55,638 That's it. I give up. 361 00:21:55,727 --> 00:21:57,638 Ma, goodbye. Angela, let's go. 362 00:21:57,727 --> 00:21:59,638 No, wait. 363 00:21:59,727 --> 00:22:01,957 I have something I want to say. 364 00:22:02,047 --> 00:22:05,323 When I was a little girl, there were two people 365 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:09,116 I admired more than anyone else in the world. 366 00:22:09,207 --> 00:22:11,323 My mother and my favourite aunt. 367 00:22:11,407 --> 00:22:16,322 Now the two of you are at each other's throats and it's breaking my heart. 368 00:22:16,407 --> 00:22:19,843 So my mother kissed your husband at some stupid party. 369 00:22:19,927 --> 00:22:21,838 What does it matter now? 370 00:22:21,927 --> 00:22:24,839 You realise that this may be the last time 371 00:22:24,927 --> 00:22:26,883 you two see each other ever? 372 00:22:26,967 --> 00:22:30,323 Is this the way you want things left between you? 373 00:22:30,407 --> 00:22:32,318 Wait. Are you referring to 374 00:22:32,407 --> 00:22:35,524 Francesca Ragouso's Christmas party back in '55? 375 00:22:35,607 --> 00:22:37,837 The one where you kissed Carmine. 376 00:22:37,927 --> 00:22:41,237 What? I never kissed Carmine. You never even kissed Carmine. 377 00:22:42,247 --> 00:22:44,522 I remember it like it was yesterday. 378 00:22:44,607 --> 00:22:46,518 You wore a green satin dress 379 00:22:46,607 --> 00:22:50,202 and a fringed shawl which you did everything but sleep in. 380 00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:53,199 You're crazy. I lent my shawl to Maria Fenestru. 381 00:22:53,287 --> 00:22:54,766 Who? 382 00:22:54,847 --> 00:22:57,077 Maria, the one with the huge breasts. 383 00:22:57,167 --> 00:23:01,160 There was no entertainment, so the men pitched pennies into her cleavage. 384 00:23:02,167 --> 00:23:05,557 She walked off with $19 of my husband's hard-earned money. 385 00:23:06,807 --> 00:23:09,162 She was wearing the fringed shawl. 386 00:23:09,247 --> 00:23:12,842 Are you saying it was Maria who came on to Carmine? 387 00:23:12,927 --> 00:23:14,838 Him and every other male there. 388 00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:17,157 So why am I mad at you? 389 00:23:17,247 --> 00:23:19,715 I'm mad at you. You betrayed me. 390 00:23:19,807 --> 00:23:22,844 I never betrayed anybody in my life. 391 00:23:22,927 --> 00:23:26,886 Bull. You told everybody Salvadore de Milo tried to kiss me. 392 00:23:26,967 --> 00:23:30,243 - I never told a soul. - Nobody else knew but you. 393 00:23:30,327 --> 00:23:33,399 We were alone when I spilled my guts out. 394 00:23:33,487 --> 00:23:36,718 We weren't alone. Vinny Jamala was drunk under the table. 395 00:23:36,807 --> 00:23:38,718 What are you talking about? 396 00:23:38,807 --> 00:23:40,718 I can't believe you don't remember. 397 00:23:40,807 --> 00:23:43,401 He threw up on your shoe. 398 00:23:44,407 --> 00:23:46,398 That was Vinny? 399 00:23:46,487 --> 00:23:50,321 He must have overheard everything. He blabbed your secret. 400 00:23:50,407 --> 00:23:53,001 - Then you never betrayed me? - Of course not. 401 00:23:53,087 --> 00:23:56,397 - You're my sister. - Angela. 402 00:23:56,487 --> 00:23:57,886 Sophia. 403 00:24:00,207 --> 00:24:02,402 I don't believe this. 404 00:24:02,487 --> 00:24:06,366 - I think it's sweet. - I think I'm going to cry. 405 00:24:06,447 --> 00:24:08,756 I think they should both be committed. 32018

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