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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:15,584 MALL SANTA: oh, ha, ha. Well, I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle. 2 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,952 And I'll see what I can do about your parents' ugly divorce, Caren. 3 00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:22,320 All right. Merry Christmas! 4 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:24,051 - Who's next? - Santa! 5 00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:26,788 Kumar, no! Merry-- 6 00:01:26,953 --> 00:01:28,591 WOMAN: Back cf the line, tech support! 7 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,598 - Is this a joke? KUMAR: Hold the fuck on. 8 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,397 Your son can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute. 9 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:34,868 [ALL GASP] 10 00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:38,571 - What do you want for Christmas? KUMAR: That's a really good question. 11 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,302 - Snoopy Sno-cone Machine. - Done. 12 00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:41,571 - And a DeLorean. - Yes. 13 00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:43,112 Wu-Tang to get back together. 14 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,680 I'll tell the elves. 15 00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,442 This is just for my stockings. 16 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:47,744 - For my present-- - Hey! 17 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,452 Meet me at my sleigh in half an hour, okay? 18 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,647 You get it. Merry Christmas, Santa. 19 00:01:52,812 --> 00:01:54,086 - Ooh. Bang. - Oh! 20 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,459 Right in the sugar plums. 21 00:01:57,917 --> 00:02:01,455 Okay. On the menu today, we have: 22 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,266 Winter Wonder Weed. 23 00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:06,594 We have Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer. 24 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,034 Oh, it's a Weederful Life. 25 00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:10,470 God, does everything have to be about Christmas? 26 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,337 Hey, some people like the holidays. 27 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:16,447 I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me cut. 28 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,776 KUMAR: What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout." 29 00:02:18,938 --> 00:02:20,178 A little more expensive. 30 00:02:20,907 --> 00:02:22,978 This is like Duvalier Dank from October. 31 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,645 - I'll take it. - Oh. Hello, gentlemen. 32 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,154 KUMAR: Mm. 33 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:27,557 - Shit. - What? 34 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,352 You have anything to smoke cut cf? 35 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,867 [COUGHS] 36 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,899 PROTESTERS [CHANTING]: Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks! 37 00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:14,094 Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks! 38 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,898 KENNETH: Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here. 39 00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:20,099 Wait... 40 00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,472 ...more protesters? 41 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,648 Do they really think we care what poor people think? 42 00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:25,908 Kenneth, it's Christmas. 43 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:28,551 They're out of work. You'd be upset too. 44 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,585 Let's see haw you did on your assignment. 45 00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:34,020 I think I found the absolute best gift for your father-in-law. 46 00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,990 And, Mr. Lee, I think you're gonna be really pleased. 47 00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:39,388 Ow. 48 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,225 Oh, my God. 49 00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,058 Hi. 50 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,701 This is a Sharp... 51 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,928 ...52" Aquos Quattron TV... 52 00:03:46,092 --> 00:03:48,732 ...with state-cf-the-art 3D technology... 53 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,000 ...that makes Avatar lock Avatar-ded. 54 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,974 I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing jumped the shark by now? 55 00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:55,635 Mr. Lee, you don't understand. 56 00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:57,611 This is the best 3D you've ever seen. 57 00:03:57,770 --> 00:03:59,477 It's gonna be amazing! 58 00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,248 Who are you looking at? 59 00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:09,584 Mr. Lee! 60 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,426 Want me to call you a cab... 61 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,427 ...a town car, a limo? it's not safe... 62 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,429 ...cut there. - No, thanks, Kenneth. 63 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,465 I get a buddy picking me up. 64 00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:20,595 One more thing! Merry Christmas to you... 65 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,239 ...Harold, and Happy New Year! 66 00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:23,271 Hey, over there. 67 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,407 We get another one. 68 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:27,170 Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them. 69 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:28,811 Hey... 70 00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:31,642 ...angry protesters! I just get a huge Christmas bonus... 71 00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:33,750 ...so you can suck my rich, yellow... 72 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:34,612 ...dick! 73 00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:46,793 [YELLS] 74 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:48,324 Get him! 75 00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:49,364 [PROTESTERS CLAMORING] 76 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:55,966 [GRUNTING] 77 00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:03,341 [SCREAMING] 78 00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,579 [WHIMPERING] 79 00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:21,827 HAROLD: Dude! 80 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,331 Open the door! 81 00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:25,292 Unh. Thank God you're here. 82 00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:28,094 I thought those hippies were gonna kill you. 83 00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,304 Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo! 84 00:05:31,464 --> 00:05:32,841 Just drive. Todd, drive. 85 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,976 No, no, no! No, no, no! 86 00:05:36,135 --> 00:05:36,670 Oh, great. 87 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,281 Now we're getting tinkled on. 88 00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:40,440 -It's just urine. it'll wash cut. - Oh, Harry. 89 00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,984 Tinkle on the windshield is the grossest thing... 90 00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:44,746 ...that has ever happened to me. 91 00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:47,747 Ugh. 92 00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,860 [RETCHES] 93 00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:57,692 It smells like shit in here. 94 00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:09,374 Hey... 95 00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,239 ...neighbor. - Hey, man. 96 00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:11,939 All right. 97 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:15,314 Check it. Remember that hot virgin I met on the internet? Get this: 98 00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:16,883 She wants me... 99 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,579 ...to deflower her. 100 00:06:18,778 --> 00:06:20,280 Tonight. Christmas Eve. 101 00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:22,892 At a party she's throwing in Manhattan. Best part: 102 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,029 - You're coming with me. - No can do, man. 103 00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:28,324 I gotta stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high. 104 00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:29,762 Why not ask your roommate? 105 00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:32,402 Because you're the best. I don't wanna go with him. 106 00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:35,596 I already asked him. He said no. He's spending Christmas... 107 00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,435 ...with his stupid girlfriend. 108 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,540 Mm. This is what happens. They get a girlfriend... 109 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,577 ...then they get married... 110 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,681 ...then you never hear from them again. 111 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,074 Fuck it, I'm in. 112 00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:49,383 Yes. 113 00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:55,022 TODD: Wow, the Jewish neighbors must hate this. 114 00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:57,795 Well, Harry. Harry. 115 00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,258 You have outdone yourself. 116 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,796 HAROLD: If you knew Maria's dad... 117 00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:02,660 ...you'd pull out all the stops too. 118 00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:04,824 Has not accepted you as part cf the family? 119 00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:09,064 No, not yet. But he's a huge fan cf Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees... 120 00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:10,866 ...all the work, he appreciates it. 121 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:12,100 Oh, so smart. 122 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,938 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 123 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,477 Oh. Jinx. 124 00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:18,582 You always do that. You keep doing it. it's crazy. 125 00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:21,048 Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you. 126 00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:22,350 Or both. 127 00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:25,280 Maria! 128 00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:28,023 Oh, hi there. Somebody's lacking... 129 00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,787 ...uh, very merry today. 130 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,827 Somebody is also... 131 00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:34,896 ...ovulating. 132 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,661 Um ... 133 00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:40,903 Your dad is gonna be here any minute, though. Honestly, that's-- 134 00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:43,904 - Baby. Then let's get to it. - Oh! 135 00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:45,804 Because when they get here... 136 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:50,004 ...we are going to have no private time. 137 00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:51,648 I don't know if we should. 138 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,250 Now, came on and fuck a baby into me. 139 00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:56,443 Okay, I will. 140 00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:57,814 [HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES] 141 00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:00,788 Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha. 142 00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,951 If it's a baby I gotta give you, it's a baby you're gonna get. 143 00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:06,089 [DOORBELL RINGS] 144 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,420 BOTH: Shit. 145 00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:11,432 Ga. Ga. 146 00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:14,170 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 147 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,837 Be cool. 148 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,505 Carlos, Merry Christmas. 149 00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:24,471 Hello, Harold. 150 00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:27,714 You made the drive in record time. Didn't speed, did you? 151 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,048 [GULPS] 152 00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,113 Empanadas? 153 00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:35,553 Where's Maria? 154 00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:36,523 HAROLD: She's upstairs... 155 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,025 ...getting ready. 156 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,458 Can I get you a beer? 157 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:40,825 What the hell is that? 158 00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:45,966 HAROLD: She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha. 159 00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:47,536 This is cur Christmas tree. 160 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:48,831 Is it fake? 161 00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:50,764 It's faux, actually. 162 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,500 You celebrating real Christmas... 163 00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:54,303 ...or a faux Christmas? 164 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:55,377 Real Christmas? 165 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,104 MARIA: Daddy. 166 00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:57,579 Daddy! 167 00:08:58,070 --> 00:08:58,844 God. 168 00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,006 MARIA: I've missed you! 169 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:00,878 [MARIA GASPs] 170 00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:02,547 And the whale family... 171 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,652 ...is here. 172 00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:04,583 [MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 173 00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:05,918 Hi... 174 00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:07,113 ...everybody! 175 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,384 [ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] 176 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:09,954 Oh, God. 177 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,891 Oh. I guess Timo... 178 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,054 ...made parole. 179 00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,894 Uh, not exactly. 180 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,627 Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody! 181 00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,100 [CHUCKLES] 182 00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:22,931 You take it. 183 00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:25,405 You people are real good with those things. 184 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,874 HAROLD: it's just the weekend. 185 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:31,646 It's just the weekend. 186 00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:36,547 NARRATOR [ON TV]: Has this ever happened to you? 187 00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:37,949 This stupid waffle's stuck. 188 00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:39,746 [GRUNTING] 189 00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:41,050 MOM: Oh, my God! Billy! 190 00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:42,420 - Heh-heh-heh. MOM: George, call 911! 191 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,583 This is fucked up. 192 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,693 NARRATOR: How about this? 193 00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:46,489 [GIRL SCREAMS] 194 00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,128 Well, it doesn't have to any more. 195 00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:51,427 Introducing WaffleBot. 196 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,627 BOTH: WaffleBot! 197 00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:57,598 NARRATOR: Just pop the top, let that batter drop... 198 00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,640 ...and WaffleBot does the rest. 199 00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:01,602 Make every breakfast a Bot-fast. 200 00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:04,808 BOTH: Thanks, WaffleBot! 201 00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,779 WAFFLEBOT: I love you. 202 00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:07,974 NARRATOR: Get the Christmas... 203 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,211 ...toy of the season while they're hot. 204 00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:11,984 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 205 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,819 KUMAR: I'm busy, Adrian! Go away! 206 00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:17,527 VANESSA: Kumar! it's Vanessa. 207 00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:21,258 Hey. Locks like somebody missed me. 208 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,130 Come on in. 209 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,633 Since when do you have a beard? 210 00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:28,738 I actually have not shaved since you left. Pretty romantic. 211 00:10:28,894 --> 00:10:31,238 Kind of like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. 212 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,435 VANESSA: When's the last time you cleaned? 213 00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:35,442 Like three months ago. 214 00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:36,671 Less romantic? 215 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:38,144 Little bit, yeah. 216 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,648 I'm sorry, where are my manners? Here. Here. 217 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:41,546 Oh, no, no, no. 218 00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:43,152 No, I shouldn't. 219 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,310 Of course you should. 220 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,184 Kumar, I really need to talk to you. 221 00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:49,589 I'm pregnant. 222 00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:50,693 [COUGHS] 223 00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:52,124 You're pregnant? 224 00:10:52,451 --> 00:10:53,521 We-- 225 00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:54,790 We practiced safe sex. 226 00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:55,796 [SCOFFS] 227 00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:57,935 I mean, I pulled cut and came on your back. 228 00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,364 A couple squeaks get by... 229 00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:01,471 ...but is that all it takes? - Yes. 230 00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:04,369 That's all. No wonder you flunked out of med school. 231 00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:07,067 I didn't flunk cut cf med school. I failed a drug test. 232 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,370 How do I even know... 233 00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:09,638 ...that the baby's mine? 234 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:12,145 I haven't slept with anyone since we broke up. 235 00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:13,848 Nice. 236 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,009 What do you want to do about it? 237 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,347 All right, um ... 238 00:11:18,911 --> 00:11:19,685 [CHUCKLING] 239 00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:28,257 This is the part where the kid's tongue... 240 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:29,729 ...gets stuck to a pale. Ha, ha. 241 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,196 Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry. 242 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:36,636 Um, are we having a conversation right now, or are you watching A Christmas Story? 243 00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:38,400 Bath. No. 244 00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:40,942 - I mean-- - You know what? I knew you... 245 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,909 ...couldn't handle this. - I'm sorry. 246 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,173 I'm really high. 247 00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,580 This is not about you being high. This is about you being immature. 248 00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,913 It's why I couldn't stay here any more. 249 00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:52,214 You are perfectly fine creating a mess... 250 00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:54,691 ...but when it comes to cleaning one up... 251 00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:56,326 ...you're MIA. 252 00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:57,586 Give me a half hour... 253 00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:58,820 ...to saber up. 254 00:11:59,185 --> 00:12:00,493 Fuck. 255 00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,424 [CHATTERING] 256 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,371 Dad, you good? You need a drink or--? No? Okay. 257 00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:09,528 [M R. PEREZ GROWLS] 258 00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:14,508 - Maria. I love you. - Ha, ha. 259 00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:15,905 Glad your family's here. 260 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,138 I'm just wondering... 261 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:21,115 ...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas party with all these extra guests. 262 00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:23,275 We'll make it work. We have plenty cf room. 263 00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:24,985 Okay. 264 00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:25,986 I'm sorry. 265 00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:27,624 I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you. 266 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:28,986 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 267 00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:30,218 Harold. 268 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,158 Hey, speaking cf guests... 269 00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,525 ...are you sure you don't wanna invite Kumar? 270 00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:38,333 Kumar? You kidding me? I haven't seen that guy in years. 271 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:39,333 MARIA: Kumar has been... 272 00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:42,336 ...your friend for a lang time. - It is perfectly normal. 273 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,237 People lose half their friends every seven years. 274 00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:47,105 It's not like I don't have friends. 275 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,906 - Todd? Yeah, he's a Int cf fun. - At least he doesn't... 276 00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,208 ...create a disaster everywhere he goes. 277 00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:53,941 [IN SPANISH] 278 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,107 Ah, okay. 279 00:12:55,574 --> 00:12:57,815 [IN SPANISH] 280 00:12:57,977 --> 00:12:59,081 [ALL GASP] 281 00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:03,184 Rosetta Stone. 282 00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:05,328 A lifesaver. 283 00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:14,602 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 284 00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:16,766 KUMAR: Be right there! 285 00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:29,116 Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long. 286 00:13:32,711 --> 00:13:33,917 [GRUNTS] 287 00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:35,524 Maybe we can-- 288 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:37,655 Are you sure we have to... 289 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,819 ...throw it cut? - This tree is a cancer. 290 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,363 We have to get rid cf it before it kills Christmas. 291 00:13:42,621 --> 00:13:43,998 Very intense wording. 292 00:13:44,356 --> 00:13:46,358 [WHISTLES THEN SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 293 00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:52,169 MARIA: Wow! Oh, my God. 294 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,470 I can't believe you brought the tree. Ha-ha-ha. 295 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,741 Am I missing something? 296 00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,075 Every Christmas we use a tree that Dad grew. 297 00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:01,149 - Oh. MR. PEREZ: Twelve-fact Fraser fir. 298 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,545 Lock at the branch distribution. 299 00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:04,380 Oh, I see. 300 00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:05,647 Hey, hey! 301 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:07,617 She's very delicate. 302 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,056 I've been growing her for eight years. 303 00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:14,322 Eight years, wow. I never knew Christmas trees were such a big deal. 304 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,723 Oh, God. 305 00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:18,163 Not a big deal? 306 00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:20,497 Let me tell you a story, Harold. 307 00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:22,332 Growing up in Medellin... 308 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:25,965 ...my family was too poor to celebrate Christmas properly. 309 00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:28,634 Every year I would pray to God: 310 00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:33,250 "Please, let me wake up and find a big, beautiful Christmas tree." 311 00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:34,884 And every Christmas... 312 00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:37,343 ...I was heartbroken. 313 00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:40,548 When my mother finally moved me to America... 314 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,522 ...she promised me we would have... 315 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,420 ...a Christmas tree every Christmas from then on. 316 00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:50,761 But one week before that first Christmas, while walking home from work... 317 00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:52,766 ...she was violently attacked... 318 00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,927 ...by a gang cf Korean punks. 319 00:14:58,697 --> 00:14:59,698 [GRUNTS] 320 00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,515 They stabbed her multiple times. She bled to death. 321 00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:10,779 So I guess... 322 00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:14,618 ...you could say, yes, a Christmas tree is a big deal. 323 00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:15,951 Oh, my God. 324 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,863 -[WHISPERS] Why didn't you tell me? -[MOUTHS] Pm sorry. 325 00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:22,227 Pepe! Where are the ornaments? 326 00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:22,991 I don't know. 327 00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:24,429 My eyes are all fucked up. 328 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,628 You can't celebrate Christmas with a naked tree! it's indecent! 329 00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:29,669 Maria, forget about midnight Mass. 330 00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:31,705 Tonight, we're decorating the tree. 331 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,242 Oh, Daddy, I wanted to spend tonight in the city... 332 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,606 ...with you guys. 333 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,906 Wait. 334 00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:39,213 I get this. 335 00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:43,486 I'll take care cf the tree. You have a family night in Manhattan. 336 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,446 No. No, no, no. 337 00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,454 We brought the tree all the way dawn. 338 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,718 It has to lack perfect on Christmas morning. 339 00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:54,388 Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what you want and I'll take care cf it. 340 00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:56,829 When you came back, the tree will be decorated. 341 00:15:56,989 --> 00:16:00,300 This house, I promise you, is gonna be perfect. 342 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,696 [MARIA CHUCKLES] 343 00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:12,879 ADRIAN: Oh, B-T-dub, the girl tonight? Her name is Mary. 344 00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,143 As in the Virgin Mary. How great is that? 345 00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,877 What did Vanessa do to suck... 346 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:18,487 ...the life cut cf you... 347 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,622 ...this afternoon? 348 00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:23,856 I don't have anyone else to confide in. I might as well tell you. Uh ... 349 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:25,527 Vanessa's pregnan-- 350 00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:26,492 A queefer. 351 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,563 - What? - I knew it. 352 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:32,225 I used to date this black chick, she used to queef every time we had sex. 353 00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:35,372 It was ridiculous. I used to call her Queen Laqueefa. 354 00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:38,174 When was the last time you saw this guy? 355 00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:40,239 - Two years ago. - Sc... 356 00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:43,676 ...why are we dropping off this package? You said this guy was a chode. 357 00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:46,850 He is, all right? I just-- I don't want his shit in my place. 358 00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,112 KUMAR: Sure this is the right address? 359 00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:56,282 Whoa. Locks like your ex-boyf's moving up in the world. Heh. 360 00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,257 I guess. 361 00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:01,091 I'll be right back. I'm just gonna drop this off. 362 00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:20,214 [GRUNTS THEN GROANING] 363 00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:22,713 Fuck! 364 00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:29,621 Kumar? 365 00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:32,828 Hello, Harold. 366 00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,159 - Hey. - Hey. 367 00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:38,301 - Hey. - I was-- 368 00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:40,698 - How are you? Good to see you. -oh, hey. 369 00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:43,128 - How you doing? - Good to see you too. Good. 370 00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:47,641 You got a package that came for you at the apartment. So I was dropping it off. 371 00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,142 Oh. Okay, cool. 372 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,744 You lack terrific. You lose weight? 373 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:56,443 No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually. This is a really nice house. 374 00:17:58,043 --> 00:17:59,579 No. You know. 375 00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,384 Dc you want to came in for a drink... 376 00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:04,721 ...or something? 377 00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:05,987 Um ... 378 00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,562 [ON RADIO] Christmas, Christmas 379 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,756 Dc you not have time? 380 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:11,924 - Oh. - Oh. 381 00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:16,500 - Came in, came in. Come in. Come on. - Sure. 382 00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:19,171 Watch your step, it's icy there. 383 00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:22,774 Eggnog? Empanadas? 384 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,472 Uh ... Sure. Yeah. 385 00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:28,675 Hey, this place is, like, not shitty. 386 00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,878 Oh. Thank you. Yeah. 387 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:35,253 Bay window is brand-new, actually. We just put that in last week. 388 00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,917 The sconces are new. Sconces are actually brand-new. 389 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:43,426 Yeah, I was gonna say, it lacks like you guys get some awesome sconces. 390 00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,730 Thank you. That's very sweet cf you. 391 00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:48,201 So, what's up with this package? 392 00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:51,474 HAROLD: My name and your address. That's weird. 393 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,303 I haven't lived there for so long. 394 00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,035 I know. That's strange. 395 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,008 HAROLD: Whoa. 396 00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:03,818 Ooh. 397 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:06,913 HAROLD: What the hell is this? 398 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:09,116 That's a gigantic joint. What do you think? 399 00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:10,523 HAROLD: IS this a joke? 400 00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:12,754 - No. I swear. - Did you do this? 401 00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,795 Had I known, I would have smoked it. 402 00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:16,595 Is there a--? 403 00:19:17,422 --> 00:19:18,298 No return address. 404 00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:21,631 I don't even see any stamps on this. 405 00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:23,467 What are you doing? 406 00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:24,403 Getting not low. 407 00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:25,940 No smoking in this house. 408 00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:28,339 What? What douche came up with that rule? 409 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,303 HAROLD: This douche did. 410 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:38,914 That was good shit. 411 00:19:39,144 --> 00:19:40,817 HAROLD: I don't care, okay? 412 00:19:40,979 --> 00:19:42,185 I don't smoke any more. 413 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,826 - What? - I just felt... 414 00:19:43,982 --> 00:19:45,893 ...that a Int cf times when I get high... 415 00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:48,190 ...things would go really wrong. Sc... 416 00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:51,357 But, Harold, weed is so good. 417 00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:52,831 It gets you high. 418 00:19:52,991 --> 00:19:54,561 I get nothing against weed, okay? 419 00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:57,332 Had plenty of fun times with weed. But I'm an adult now. 420 00:19:57,496 --> 00:20:00,477 And frankly, I'm kind cf glad that the craziness is behind me. 421 00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:02,703 Dc you smell something burning? 422 00:20:04,102 --> 00:20:05,137 BOTH: Oh, Shit! 423 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,872 KUMAR: Oh, Shit. - Shit. 424 00:20:07,105 --> 00:20:08,311 Shit! 425 00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:10,653 It's spreading. it's spreading! 426 00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:12,117 Here. 427 00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,279 Bah, bah, bah! Not the throw pillows! 428 00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,584 Seriously? 429 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,719 I did it anyway! 430 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,159 HAROLD: What the fuck?! 431 00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,066 Shit! 432 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,399 HAROLD: Maria's dad will kill me! 433 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:30,369 Stop yelling! 434 00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:32,475 We gotta get rid cf this tree! 435 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,200 Okay. 436 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,422 That's why you gotta buy those faux trees. They last forever. 437 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,254 [PANTING] 438 00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:53,758 Calm dawn. It's just a Christmas tree. 439 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,023 "Just a Christmas tree"? 440 00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:57,389 Maria's dad grew that tree... 441 00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,001 ...and new it is dead. 442 00:20:59,157 --> 00:21:02,468 Koreans have killed his mother, and new this tree. Christmas is ruined. 443 00:21:02,628 --> 00:21:03,868 Christmas isn't ruined. 444 00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:05,906 Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas. 445 00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:08,635 They're gonna came home from Mass and expect to see... 446 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,337 ...a decorated tree, but they are gonna see that. 447 00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:14,408 Dude, you're overreacting. There's plenty cf tree lots. 448 00:21:14,573 --> 00:21:16,951 We'll drive around till we find the right tree. 449 00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:18,450 We're not gonna do anything. 450 00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,416 You know what? Um, this is my fault. 451 00:21:22,581 --> 00:21:24,822 I take full responsibility. Please leave. 452 00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:27,122 I will take care cf this. Thank you. 453 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,163 - I don't mind helping cut-- - I get it. 454 00:21:29,688 --> 00:21:30,928 - We have a van-- - I get it. 455 00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:34,697 Okay. You get it. 456 00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:37,306 - You need anything, just give me-- - Merry Christmas. 457 00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:42,071 Merry Christmas, Harold. 458 00:21:46,538 --> 00:21:47,846 What the fuck tack so long? 459 00:21:48,006 --> 00:21:49,542 Nothing. Let's just go. 460 00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:53,212 You never told me Harold was Asian. I always pictured an old white guy. 461 00:21:59,117 --> 00:22:01,893 TODD: Freeze! This is a robbery. Give me all your friendship. 462 00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:03,499 Oh, wow, lack at that. 463 00:22:03,689 --> 00:22:05,794 You know, it's kind cf better than a window. 464 00:22:05,958 --> 00:22:07,960 It's like a stained-glass window cf paper. 465 00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:09,298 Any luck with the tree? 466 00:22:09,461 --> 00:22:11,737 - Oh, you brought Ava. - Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava. 467 00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:13,604 Il's "3D." 468 00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:14,300 Hmm? 469 00:22:14,466 --> 00:22:15,467 Daddy-Daughter Day. 470 00:22:15,634 --> 00:22:17,636 You can't back cut cf Daddy-Daughter Day... 471 00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:20,409 ...because Emma says that leads to abandonment issues... 472 00:22:20,572 --> 00:22:23,075 ...and then stripping and meth and biker boyfriend. 473 00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:24,413 - All had things. - Ah. 474 00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:26,647 - The tree, though. - Yes, so I called-- 475 00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:27,654 [BABY CRYING] 476 00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:29,724 Oh, here it goes. Here it goes. 477 00:22:30,382 --> 00:22:32,225 [SINGING] The itsy bitsy spider 478 00:22:32,384 --> 00:22:33,590 Crawled up the water spout 479 00:22:33,752 --> 00:22:35,163 They say that singing is... 480 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,425 ...the best way to communicate with a child. 481 00:22:37,589 --> 00:22:38,897 I guess I haven't found... 482 00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:40,593 ...the right song for her yet. 483 00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:42,636 that's too bad. Uh, the tree? 484 00:22:42,794 --> 00:22:44,865 The tree. Right. Sc I called them. 485 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:46,441 They had one 12-fact fir left. 486 00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:48,936 - And I reserved it. - You get it? 487 00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:51,945 - Yeah. - Yes! You should have led off with that. 488 00:22:52,104 --> 00:22:53,811 I know. I don't know why I didn't. 489 00:22:53,972 --> 00:22:55,781 - Okay, good. Let's go. -Whoo! 490 00:22:55,941 --> 00:22:56,885 You know. 491 00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:58,282 Okay. Next time. 492 00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:04,688 Now, before this party... 493 00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:07,490 ...we get to talk about your game. - Aw, dude, turn in there! 494 00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:09,658 Really? A tree farm? 495 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,136 "Best selection"... 496 00:23:15,293 --> 00:23:15,964 ...my ass. 497 00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:18,335 It's Christmas Eve, okay? What do you expect? 498 00:23:18,497 --> 00:23:19,703 KUMAR: If I was a tree farmer... 499 00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:22,573 ...I'd be embarrassed. These trees are ghetto. 500 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:23,872 What the fuck that mean? 501 00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:25,304 [LATRELL CHUCKLES] 502 00:23:25,470 --> 00:23:27,916 He's just playing. How you doing? I'm Latrell. 503 00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:29,648 Hello. Kumar. 504 00:23:29,808 --> 00:23:31,446 This is my partner in crime, Lamar. 505 00:23:31,610 --> 00:23:33,419 - So you two own this tree lot? LAMAR: What? 506 00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:37,253 A couple of brothers can't sell trees? Only swing from them like monkeys? 507 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,761 What? No! Of course not. You could do both. 508 00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,421 - What? - What? 509 00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:44,589 My boy here gets cagey during the holidays. 510 00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:46,702 - You know? - Word. Word. 511 00:23:47,325 --> 00:23:50,363 If you're looking for trees, you should know we do custom work. 512 00:23:50,529 --> 00:23:53,442 - Ooh. How much is that? LATRELL: That tree? Sorry. 513 00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:54,906 Just get reserved. 514 00:23:55,067 --> 00:23:56,910 I really need it. I'll pay double. 515 00:23:57,069 --> 00:23:58,446 LAMAR: Oh, I got you now. 516 00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:01,015 You think you can buy the black man's soul. 517 00:24:01,173 --> 00:24:03,210 Like we some Wayne Brady-ass niggers, right? 518 00:24:03,542 --> 00:24:04,213 Triple. 519 00:24:04,576 --> 00:24:05,919 I'll get the rape. 520 00:24:06,078 --> 00:24:10,527 Eh, can we drop this tree off at Sulu's and head to the city? 521 00:24:10,682 --> 00:24:13,026 KUMAR: Just hold on a second, all right? 522 00:24:13,185 --> 00:24:14,459 I see what you're doing. 523 00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:15,927 Forget about her. 524 00:24:16,088 --> 00:24:17,396 - Think about me. - All right. 525 00:24:17,556 --> 00:24:21,026 Hold on. We'll drop the tree off and then we'll go get you your virgin. 526 00:24:21,526 --> 00:24:22,630 Yeah. 527 00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:26,938 We get another customer. 528 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:30,411 Can I play angry black guy this time? 529 00:24:30,569 --> 00:24:32,276 Aw, came on. You just played it. 530 00:24:32,437 --> 00:24:33,780 And I get triple the money. 531 00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:35,816 Come on, please? Come on! 532 00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:36,975 TODD [SINGING]: Three French hens 533 00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:38,246 HAROLD: Would you stop? 534 00:24:38,410 --> 00:24:39,388 TODD: I wish I could stop 535 00:24:39,544 --> 00:24:40,784 Sorry, I'm trying my best 536 00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:42,050 Hi. You guys in charge? 537 00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:47,091 Yeah. What the fuck is it to you, motherfucker? 538 00:24:47,252 --> 00:24:48,424 Gat's coming out 539 00:24:48,587 --> 00:24:49,964 That was so good. Ha, ha. 540 00:24:50,122 --> 00:24:52,500 We're just here to pick up a tree that we reserved. 541 00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,795 - We called. LATRELL: Oh, yeah? 542 00:24:53,959 --> 00:24:56,565 We just sold your little punk-ass tree, bitch! 543 00:24:56,728 --> 00:24:57,672 HAROLD: What? You sold it? 544 00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:58,432 Tc who? 545 00:24:58,597 --> 00:25:00,406 Those white bays over there. 546 00:25:02,801 --> 00:25:03,905 Fuck! 547 00:25:04,069 --> 00:25:04,809 Hey. 548 00:25:05,036 --> 00:25:06,310 TODD: Aah! Where are we going? 549 00:25:06,738 --> 00:25:09,514 HAROLD: Maybe if we catch up to them, they'll sell the tree to us. 550 00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:10,516 TODD: Good idea! 551 00:25:12,577 --> 00:25:13,180 LATRELL: I'm sorry. 552 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,325 - You Inst your gangsta grill. - I know. 553 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,790 - How you gonna be a gangsta? - I'm not one. 554 00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:20,759 - I gotta wear those tomorrow. - I know. 555 00:25:21,052 --> 00:25:23,259 - You know I love you, right? - I think you do. 556 00:25:23,421 --> 00:25:25,662 - I don't know why, but I love you. - Thank you. 557 00:25:25,824 --> 00:25:28,202 TODD: Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down... 558 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,237 ...because we get precious cargo... 559 00:25:30,395 --> 00:25:32,375 ...and it is very icy cut there. 560 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,478 - What? I don't see any ice. - You've never heard cf black ice? 561 00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:38,672 It's like the worst ice there is. Black ice, it's everywhere. 562 00:25:38,837 --> 00:25:40,976 Relax. I can feel the road. It's not that bad. 563 00:25:42,674 --> 00:25:43,846 Yo, slow down, man. 564 00:25:44,009 --> 00:25:47,115 - You're going a little fast. - I gotta get to this party ASAP. 565 00:25:47,279 --> 00:25:49,691 Pussy's not like yogurt. It has an expiration date. 566 00:25:49,848 --> 00:25:51,452 Yogurt has an expiration date. 567 00:25:51,616 --> 00:25:54,460 Does it? Damn it. Okay. That explains a lot. 568 00:25:54,619 --> 00:25:56,292 It was really sour. 569 00:25:56,454 --> 00:25:58,491 But yogurt is sour, so haw was I to know? 570 00:25:59,124 --> 00:26:00,967 Are you really hat? I'm, like, hot... 571 00:26:01,126 --> 00:26:02,366 ...but I'm cold-- Hello? 572 00:26:02,527 --> 00:26:03,870 You're not lacking at me. 573 00:26:04,029 --> 00:26:06,100 I should lack at the road and you lack at me. 574 00:26:06,264 --> 00:26:07,436 -It's opposite. - Watch cut! 575 00:26:07,699 --> 00:26:08,734 ADRIAN: Ow, cw. 576 00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:09,742 [BOTH SCREAMING] 577 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:12,514 Holy shit! 578 00:26:12,671 --> 00:26:13,308 TODD: Black ice! 579 00:26:13,471 --> 00:26:14,541 Black ice! it's real! 580 00:26:15,006 --> 00:26:16,314 ADRIAN: oh, sum 581 00:26:16,508 --> 00:26:17,953 Oh, my God! 582 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:19,744 Don't just scream! 583 00:26:19,945 --> 00:26:21,049 You're just screaming! 584 00:26:21,213 --> 00:26:22,157 That's not helpful! 585 00:26:24,149 --> 00:26:25,059 Oh, sum 586 00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:35,069 Holy shit! 587 00:26:35,227 --> 00:26:36,205 Oh, Harry, stop! 588 00:26:36,928 --> 00:26:39,841 ADRIAN: Aw ... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp. 589 00:26:43,868 --> 00:26:44,869 Oh, my ass. 590 00:26:45,036 --> 00:26:49,007 I am so going to tweet about that. Heh-heh-heh. 591 00:26:49,174 --> 00:26:51,211 You guys all right? How are you alive? 592 00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:52,550 Harold? 593 00:26:52,978 --> 00:26:54,013 Kumar? 594 00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:56,623 That was you at the tree farm? You tack my tree? 595 00:26:57,482 --> 00:26:59,689 - Sc you killed two trees in one night. KUMAR: Hold on. 596 00:26:59,851 --> 00:27:01,762 That is a perfectly salvageable tree. 597 00:27:02,587 --> 00:27:03,691 [YELLS] 598 00:27:04,889 --> 00:27:07,199 That was a perfectly salvageable tree. 599 00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:11,398 That was the only 12-fact Fraser fir left in the fucking state. 600 00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:12,303 Fuck your tree! 601 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:13,534 What about my car? 602 00:27:13,698 --> 00:27:14,904 I get a virgin to fuck! 603 00:27:15,066 --> 00:27:16,511 Who is this? Who is Glasses? 604 00:27:16,668 --> 00:27:18,579 Heh. Nice, Harry. 605 00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,378 - This is my friend, Adrian. HAROLD: Oh. 606 00:27:21,773 --> 00:27:22,774 He's young. 607 00:27:22,941 --> 00:27:24,477 - Thank you. - Don't respond to him. 608 00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:26,122 TODD: Why the H... 609 00:27:26,278 --> 00:27:27,882 ...did you F-wads... 610 00:27:28,046 --> 00:27:32,085 ...take the tree that we had specifically called and reserved? 611 00:27:32,250 --> 00:27:33,422 Who is this toolbox? 612 00:27:33,585 --> 00:27:35,565 This is my friend, Todd. 613 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,757 Oh, yeah? What kind cf friend? Best friend? 614 00:27:37,922 --> 00:27:41,062 - I wouldn't say best" Yes. - Yeah. Yep. Besties. 615 00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:42,896 That's awesome. 616 00:27:43,061 --> 00:27:44,165 Buddy. 617 00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:45,535 Homey. 618 00:27:46,097 --> 00:27:47,337 This was fun. But I got... 619 00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,910 ...a hat date in the city. 620 00:27:49,067 --> 00:27:50,239 You have to take me. 621 00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:51,403 What? No. 622 00:27:51,569 --> 00:27:54,516 - We're not taking you anywhere. - Not going through any tunnels. 623 00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:57,313 Dude, you are not depriving me cf this: 624 00:27:57,475 --> 00:28:00,752 Hey, Adrian. I can't wait to finally meet you. 625 00:28:00,912 --> 00:28:03,483 I'm going to rock your world. 626 00:28:04,549 --> 00:28:05,323 I promise... 627 00:28:05,483 --> 00:28:07,053 ...it will be worth the wait. 628 00:28:10,121 --> 00:28:11,429 Wait, lack at this fir. 629 00:28:11,589 --> 00:28:13,500 I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved. 630 00:28:13,658 --> 00:28:14,932 Shut up. The tree. 631 00:28:15,093 --> 00:28:16,538 It's like Maria's dad's tree. 632 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,936 -It's magnificent. ADRIAN: I'll make you a deal. 633 00:28:19,097 --> 00:28:21,202 Take me to the party, I get you that tree. 634 00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:22,811 No. it's already very late. 635 00:28:22,967 --> 00:28:24,207 Shut the fuck up, Todd! 636 00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:25,814 This doesn't concern you! 637 00:28:25,970 --> 00:28:27,972 - Easy. - He can not-- He is not allow-- 638 00:28:28,139 --> 00:28:29,846 HAROLD: Hey. Calm dawn. Calm dawn. 639 00:28:30,008 --> 00:28:32,989 I'm running cut cf time. I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m. 640 00:28:33,144 --> 00:28:35,055 Work with me. Listen. 641 00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:36,521 I'm not driving for nothing. 642 00:28:36,681 --> 00:28:38,786 Make sure we can get the tree, you get a deal. 643 00:28:38,950 --> 00:28:39,621 Done. 644 00:28:40,785 --> 00:28:41,525 Hey, douche? 645 00:28:41,686 --> 00:28:42,255 Yeah? 646 00:28:42,420 --> 00:28:42,955 Shotgun. 647 00:28:43,121 --> 00:28:43,861 Oh. 648 00:28:44,155 --> 00:28:45,327 Scr-- 649 00:28:45,490 --> 00:28:46,969 S you. S you. 650 00:28:49,327 --> 00:28:50,328 --Sn? 651 00:28:50,495 --> 00:28:51,997 -"S you"? -"Screw you. " 652 00:28:52,163 --> 00:28:53,608 - Oh, right. TODD: Screw you! 653 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,807 "Harry"? Gotta be kidding me. 654 00:28:59,871 --> 00:29:00,781 The tree is removable? 655 00:29:00,939 --> 00:29:02,885 OPERATOR: Your call cannot be completed as dialed. 656 00:29:03,041 --> 00:29:05,783 - Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good. - Pf ease hang up-- 657 00:29:05,944 --> 00:29:06,922 We can have the tree? 658 00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:08,079 She said it? 659 00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:09,350 She said that, yes. 660 00:29:09,714 --> 00:29:11,716 - Great. Let's go. - Okay. 661 00:29:13,985 --> 00:29:17,057 What is he doing? What is he doing? 662 00:29:17,722 --> 00:29:18,632 What are you doing? 663 00:29:19,124 --> 00:29:19,898 What? 664 00:29:20,058 --> 00:29:21,332 My daughters in there! 665 00:29:21,493 --> 00:29:22,062 What? 666 00:29:22,227 --> 00:29:24,537 - Oh, shit! HAROLD: What the fuck, Kumar? 667 00:29:24,696 --> 00:29:25,731 I didn't see her. 668 00:29:25,897 --> 00:29:27,103 You get my baby high! 669 00:29:27,265 --> 00:29:29,074 HAROLD: You get his baby high. 670 00:29:29,234 --> 00:29:30,406 Hold on a second. 671 00:29:30,568 --> 00:29:34,038 Nobody gets high the first time they smoke weed. Don't you know anything? 672 00:29:34,205 --> 00:29:35,411 [GIGGLING] 673 00:29:35,740 --> 00:29:36,912 TODD: Okay, great. 674 00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:38,952 Now she has the giggles. 675 00:29:39,244 --> 00:29:40,985 - Sorry. TODD: If Emma finds cut... 676 00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:42,181 ...we won't be able... 677 00:29:42,347 --> 00:29:43,587 ...to came to the party. 678 00:29:43,915 --> 00:29:44,655 What party? 679 00:29:45,216 --> 00:29:46,593 Oh, it's just a work... 680 00:29:46,751 --> 00:29:47,729 ...Christmas party... 681 00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:49,092 ...kind cf thing. 682 00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:49,857 Right, Todd? 683 00:29:50,021 --> 00:29:51,500 Yeah. it's gonna be... 684 00:29:51,656 --> 00:29:52,691 ...classic. 685 00:29:52,857 --> 00:29:53,528 [YELLING] 686 00:29:53,691 --> 00:29:55,967 Okay, great. Now she's having a had trip. 687 00:29:56,161 --> 00:29:57,299 HAROLD: Try singing again. 688 00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:58,702 It never works. 689 00:29:58,863 --> 00:30:00,399 - Hey. Hey. HAROLD: What are you doing? 690 00:30:01,733 --> 00:30:02,404 Hey. 691 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,545 [RAPPING] If you want beef] then bring the ruckus 692 00:30:05,170 --> 00:30:06,148 Wu- Tang Clan ain't 693 00:30:06,304 --> 00:30:07,374 Nothin' to fuck with 694 00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:08,483 Straight from 695 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,381 The motherfucking slums that's busted 696 00:30:10,542 --> 00:30:12,078 Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with 697 00:30:12,243 --> 00:30:13,051 Ahh. 698 00:30:15,113 --> 00:30:16,820 Dude, you baby-whispered her. 699 00:30:17,248 --> 00:30:18,818 TODD: I do not care for the language... 700 00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,326 ...but that was impressive. 701 00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:21,623 What singing group... 702 00:30:21,786 --> 00:30:23,265 ...is that? - The Wu-Tang Clan. 703 00:30:23,421 --> 00:30:25,332 The Gu-Ga-- The Wu-Gang Band? 704 00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,163 Wu-Tang Clan, Todd. 705 00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:27,962 TODD: Harry. 706 00:30:28,126 --> 00:30:30,606 When did you turn into Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert? 707 00:30:30,762 --> 00:30:32,241 KUMAR: There's a Int you don't know... 708 00:30:32,397 --> 00:30:33,205 ...about Harry, huh? 709 00:30:33,431 --> 00:30:34,569 TODD: Excuse me? 710 00:30:34,732 --> 00:30:36,575 - Was that directed to me? KUMAR: Yeah, douche. 711 00:30:36,734 --> 00:30:38,145 Okay. Taken. 712 00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,450 I get the munchies. 713 00:30:41,606 --> 00:30:42,550 TODD: Now we have to... 714 00:30:42,707 --> 00:30:44,983 ...stop and get some disgusting food for her. 715 00:30:45,143 --> 00:30:48,022 Sc she can came down from her trip. Fantastic. 716 00:31:09,167 --> 00:31:12,842 Oh, by the way, if anybody asks, I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach. 717 00:31:13,004 --> 00:31:14,005 - What? - What? 718 00:31:14,172 --> 00:31:17,210 It's just this lie I sort cf get caught in. 719 00:31:17,375 --> 00:31:19,855 Also, I told her you work for the White House. 720 00:31:20,011 --> 00:31:21,615 Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that. 721 00:31:21,779 --> 00:31:22,587 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 722 00:31:22,747 --> 00:31:23,555 [CHATTERING] 723 00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:24,853 [BIG BOI'S "DADDY FAT SAX" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 724 00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:28,030 If is I, [he B-I-G, [he B-O-I 725 00:31:28,186 --> 00:31:30,223 TODD: Well, I spy with my little eye... 726 00:31:30,388 --> 00:31:33,301 ...three felonies that I can see in this room right now. 727 00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:34,300 Four. 728 00:31:34,826 --> 00:31:37,534 That's it. That's cur tree. it's perfect. 729 00:31:37,829 --> 00:31:39,502 -It's better than the photograph. - Ha, ha. 730 00:31:39,664 --> 00:31:40,665 HAROLD: it's perfect. 731 00:31:40,832 --> 00:31:41,435 Hey, Glasses. 732 00:31:41,599 --> 00:31:44,705 - Find the girl, get the tree. Come on. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 733 00:31:46,170 --> 00:31:47,478 Yo, yo, yo! 734 00:31:47,805 --> 00:31:49,910 What it is, pimp, player... 735 00:31:50,074 --> 00:31:50,882 ...etcetera? 736 00:31:51,042 --> 00:31:53,454 - What's up? Where's Mary? TEEN: I don't know... 737 00:31:53,611 --> 00:31:56,387 ...dude, but if I was you, I would steer clear. 738 00:31:56,548 --> 00:31:58,528 Does she have a tail or something? What? 739 00:31:58,683 --> 00:32:01,960 Don't listen to these guys. It takes balls to do what you're doing. 740 00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:03,121 You're freaking me cut. 741 00:32:03,288 --> 00:32:04,892 - What is wrong with her? TEENS: Ha-ha-ha. 742 00:32:05,056 --> 00:32:06,660 MARY: Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you? 743 00:32:24,576 --> 00:32:26,180 Wow, you lack just like... 744 00:32:26,344 --> 00:32:27,379 ...your profile pic. 745 00:32:27,545 --> 00:32:29,047 You lack better. Hi. 746 00:32:29,213 --> 00:32:31,557 You're hot, girl. 747 00:32:31,716 --> 00:32:32,888 Thank you. 748 00:32:33,718 --> 00:32:36,858 So do you, like, want to see my room? 749 00:32:37,021 --> 00:32:38,557 Hey, hey. What about the tree? 750 00:32:38,723 --> 00:32:39,599 I'll get it. 751 00:32:39,757 --> 00:32:42,738 Just give me a minute, all right, man? Probably less. Heh. 752 00:32:42,894 --> 00:32:44,100 But hopefully more. Heh. 753 00:32:44,262 --> 00:32:45,570 [WHISPERS] Probably less. 754 00:32:45,730 --> 00:32:46,936 You awe me a tree, punk. 755 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:49,240 [BABY FARTS AND GIGGLES] 756 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:51,311 Ugh. Ugh. 757 00:32:51,469 --> 00:32:53,972 Oh, great. Great. This is just great. 758 00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:56,744 - I've get to find a place to change a diaper. -oh, God. 759 00:32:56,908 --> 00:33:00,617 Unless, cf course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams would like to help with some poopy? 760 00:33:00,778 --> 00:33:01,779 Wu-Tang, dude. 761 00:33:01,946 --> 00:33:02,754 Woo-hoo. 762 00:33:04,048 --> 00:33:06,085 Your little friend better get me a tree. 763 00:33:06,451 --> 00:33:08,226 I'm sorry about him, dude. I-- 764 00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:11,796 BORIS: Hey, grandpa! 765 00:33:11,956 --> 00:33:13,663 - Toss it back. KUMAR: Wm: you calling... 766 00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:15,930 ...grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30. 767 00:33:16,094 --> 00:33:17,801 Wanna start? I'll kick your ass... 768 00:33:17,962 --> 00:33:18,963 ...right now. 769 00:33:19,130 --> 00:33:20,234 Karate Kid style. 770 00:33:20,398 --> 00:33:21,035 KUMAR: Really? 771 00:33:21,199 --> 00:33:23,008 Which Karate Kid are you referring to? 772 00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:27,343 There's only one Karate Kid and it stars Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith. 773 00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:28,506 What? 774 00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:30,243 Generation Z, here's your ball. 775 00:33:31,609 --> 00:33:34,852 Who invited these fucking losers? 776 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:36,856 Listen, we're friends cf Mary, okay? 777 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,825 She promised us we could have that tree. Okay? Thank you. 778 00:33:39,984 --> 00:33:40,792 What? 779 00:33:40,952 --> 00:33:42,761 Fuck that! I don't care... 780 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:45,799 ...what my sister said. I'm not letting you take cur tree. 781 00:33:45,957 --> 00:33:47,800 Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain. 782 00:33:47,959 --> 00:33:49,097 HAROLD: Come on. 783 00:33:49,260 --> 00:33:51,831 We're here to pick up the tree, then we're cut cf here. 784 00:33:51,996 --> 00:33:53,270 It's a bit cf an emergency. 785 00:33:53,431 --> 00:33:55,536 Tell you what, we'll play you for it. 786 00:33:55,933 --> 00:33:56,775 If you beat us... 787 00:33:56,934 --> 00:33:58,038 ...you get the tree. 788 00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:02,446 If we beat you, we kick your asses out and take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha. 789 00:34:02,607 --> 00:34:05,213 I'm sorry, do you want us to play you in beer pang? 790 00:34:05,410 --> 00:34:07,981 Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys haven't heard cf it before. 791 00:34:08,146 --> 00:34:08,920 KUMAR: Oh, no, no. 792 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:10,616 We've heard cf it, dude. Yeah. 793 00:34:10,782 --> 00:34:13,285 Except, see, in cur day, it was called Beirut. 794 00:34:13,451 --> 00:34:15,362 And we didn't have the rollback rule... 795 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:16,999 ...like you pussies have today. 796 00:34:17,155 --> 00:34:21,535 I remember the day they announced the rule. Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it. 797 00:34:21,993 --> 00:34:23,768 You remind me a Int cf that guy... 798 00:34:23,928 --> 00:34:25,498 ...except you're shorter. 799 00:34:25,663 --> 00:34:27,006 And he had pubes. 800 00:34:27,265 --> 00:34:28,539 Oh, my God. I'm so excited. 801 00:34:29,434 --> 00:34:30,538 All my other friends... 802 00:34:30,702 --> 00:34:32,477 ...Inst their virginity in 7th grade. 803 00:34:32,637 --> 00:34:34,139 I can't believe it's happening. 804 00:34:34,305 --> 00:34:37,684 What's the deal? Why isn't everybody at school trying to sleep with you? 805 00:34:37,842 --> 00:34:40,482 Are you kidding? No guy at school will even touch me. 806 00:34:40,878 --> 00:34:41,754 Why won't they? 807 00:34:42,113 --> 00:34:43,592 Probably because they're scared. 808 00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:45,489 Well, I don't get scared. 809 00:34:45,650 --> 00:34:47,823 Scared cf-- What are they scared cf, though? 810 00:34:47,985 --> 00:34:49,521 Hey! Enough talk. 811 00:34:53,157 --> 00:34:53,931 Gonna hit this? 812 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,867 Yes. I Will. Hit it. 813 00:34:57,562 --> 00:35:00,042 Aah. it's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh. 814 00:35:00,198 --> 00:35:02,178 - What? - Never mind. Heh. 815 00:35:02,333 --> 00:35:04,370 Forget it. Heh. 816 00:35:06,471 --> 00:35:09,418 Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed. Daddy is gonna get you-- 817 00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,776 Aah! Okay, I need this room... 818 00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:15,152 ...for a serious diaper situation. So I will ask you to stop... 819 00:35:15,313 --> 00:35:18,055 ...doing that. - Smush that pussy! Unh! 820 00:35:18,249 --> 00:35:18,954 Smush my pussy! 821 00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:19,891 GUY: I'm coming! 822 00:35:20,051 --> 00:35:21,689 - Oh, my God. GUY: Oh, I'm coming! 823 00:35:22,053 --> 00:35:23,999 Baby, blow me. 824 00:35:25,757 --> 00:35:26,633 Ugh. 825 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:30,470 [HAROLD GRUNTS] 826 00:35:30,828 --> 00:35:32,432 A boom batta, these pockets... 827 00:35:32,597 --> 00:35:33,541 ...getting fatter. 828 00:35:33,698 --> 00:35:34,335 You guys... 829 00:35:34,499 --> 00:35:35,807 ...got nothing on me. 830 00:35:36,601 --> 00:35:38,911 Dude, I need this tree. 831 00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:40,513 I know. 832 00:35:40,671 --> 00:35:43,311 - We hit this, we win. BORIS: No matter. There's no way... 833 00:35:43,474 --> 00:35:45,886 ...you sinking this ball. Not in my house. 834 00:35:46,043 --> 00:35:48,080 Shut this motherfucker up, would you? 835 00:35:53,618 --> 00:35:54,722 - Time. - What? 836 00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:58,896 Show him the old "Roldy Roll." 837 00:35:59,056 --> 00:36:01,502 It's too risky. I haven't done that in forever. 838 00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:04,230 No, dude, came on. You get this. Feel it. 839 00:36:12,470 --> 00:36:13,972 [WHISPERS] Hello, old friend. 840 00:36:16,140 --> 00:36:16,914 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Clear. 841 00:36:36,828 --> 00:36:37,772 [CROWD CHEERING] 842 00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:40,035 We won! 843 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:41,768 Who are those guys? 844 00:36:41,933 --> 00:36:44,812 I don't know, but they're fucking studs. 845 00:36:48,539 --> 00:36:49,609 [ADRIAN MOANS] 846 00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:54,614 I know this is your first time, so I'm gonna be extra gentle. 847 00:36:58,916 --> 00:36:59,656 Who's that? 848 00:37:00,151 --> 00:37:01,562 Oh, that's just my dad. 849 00:37:03,287 --> 00:37:04,357 Why does he lock... 850 00:37:04,522 --> 00:37:05,557 ...so familiar? 851 00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,405 [GROANING] 852 00:37:23,541 --> 00:37:24,679 [LAUGHING] 853 00:37:30,014 --> 00:37:31,618 [GRUNTING] 854 00:37:42,827 --> 00:37:46,001 That's not good. No. 855 00:37:46,163 --> 00:37:48,165 Hey, are we gonna do this or what? 856 00:37:48,332 --> 00:37:50,505 Yeah, we are, but your dad is Sergei Katsov? Heh. 857 00:37:51,035 --> 00:37:53,572 Not again. Oh, my God. This happens every goddamn time. 858 00:37:53,738 --> 00:37:54,580 No, no, no. 859 00:37:54,739 --> 00:37:55,683 Give your dick. 860 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:57,478 Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa. 861 00:37:57,642 --> 00:37:58,518 Wait, I almost get it. 862 00:37:58,676 --> 00:38:01,179 It really hurts. You're digging your nails into it! Aah! 863 00:38:02,380 --> 00:38:03,723 Are you going soft on me? 864 00:38:03,881 --> 00:38:04,757 Uh-uh. 865 00:38:04,916 --> 00:38:06,395 You better not go soft on me! 866 00:38:06,550 --> 00:38:08,052 I'm not, it's just hard. 867 00:38:08,219 --> 00:38:09,698 Aah! And it really, really hurts. 868 00:38:09,854 --> 00:38:11,765 Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah! 869 00:38:12,223 --> 00:38:13,258 Sc haw do we do this? 870 00:38:13,858 --> 00:38:16,134 KUMAR: There's gotta be a freight elevator or something. 871 00:38:16,327 --> 00:38:19,171 - We take the ornaments off, or...? -We could. 872 00:38:19,330 --> 00:38:23,472 Hey, guys. I just wanted to say that was an epic match. 873 00:38:23,701 --> 00:38:25,374 - Good win. - Thanks, kid. 874 00:38:25,536 --> 00:38:27,106 I'm sorry I was such a dick... 875 00:38:27,271 --> 00:38:29,751 ...to you guys. I thought you were old assholes. 876 00:38:30,574 --> 00:38:31,552 But real talk... 877 00:38:31,709 --> 00:38:34,212 ...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers. 878 00:38:34,378 --> 00:38:37,052 - Thanks. - No, no. Come on. Don't. 879 00:38:37,214 --> 00:38:40,491 Relay, the kid is acknowledging the error of his ways. Respect that. 880 00:38:42,620 --> 00:38:44,566 Come on, man, it's Christmas. 881 00:38:44,889 --> 00:38:46,163 Thanks, kid. 882 00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:47,801 - All right. - Cheers. 883 00:38:47,959 --> 00:38:49,461 HAROLD: Cheers. - Cheers. 884 00:38:50,194 --> 00:38:52,504 Mm. It's good. 885 00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:56,475 Why don't you guys just sit down and I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you. 886 00:38:56,634 --> 00:38:57,908 - Thank you. - Thanks, man. 887 00:38:58,069 --> 00:38:59,104 Appreciate it. 888 00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,007 Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine! 889 00:39:03,607 --> 00:39:04,381 Have you kids... 890 00:39:04,542 --> 00:39:07,182 ...never seen VH1's Behind the Music? 891 00:39:07,611 --> 00:39:08,521 Dc you not know... 892 00:39:08,679 --> 00:39:12,752 ...what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you? 893 00:39:12,917 --> 00:39:13,657 [SNEEZES] 894 00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:18,224 [GIGGLES] 895 00:39:23,294 --> 00:39:25,365 [OVER SPEAKERS] Unh, reporting live from the kitchen 896 00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:27,133 With a brand-new swag 897 00:39:27,298 --> 00:39:28,834 Dude, do you feel kind cf weird? 898 00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,879 Yeah, I do, actually. My face is feeling kind cf numb. 899 00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,106 Oh, fuck. 900 00:39:33,270 --> 00:39:34,772 The kids put something in here. 901 00:39:34,939 --> 00:39:36,509 Was it drugs? Was it semen? 902 00:39:37,608 --> 00:39:38,780 [GARGLES] 903 00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:40,851 It doesn't taste like semen. 904 00:39:41,846 --> 00:39:43,348 MARY: Uh! You fucking... 905 00:39:43,514 --> 00:39:45,357 ...loser! - Give me another chance! 906 00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:46,961 I'm begging you! 907 00:39:47,118 --> 00:39:49,189 I'm really, really, really sorry! 908 00:39:50,321 --> 00:39:53,632 That we had sex too well too often. 909 00:39:53,791 --> 00:39:55,964 "Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry. 910 00:39:56,127 --> 00:39:57,105 Somebody is gonna... 911 00:39:57,261 --> 00:39:59,639 ...fuck me tonight! You! 912 00:40:01,032 --> 00:40:02,909 Oh, no. Ha. Married. 913 00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:04,512 - He's single. - Hi. Kumar. 914 00:40:04,668 --> 00:40:05,772 I don't date black guys. 915 00:40:05,936 --> 00:40:07,347 - What? Whoa! MARY: Unh! 916 00:40:07,538 --> 00:40:09,415 - What are you doing? MARY: Getting you ready. 917 00:40:09,573 --> 00:40:11,348 - Get her off me! - Right, sorry, sorry! 918 00:40:11,509 --> 00:40:12,886 Uh, I'm not gonna let you... 919 00:40:13,044 --> 00:40:15,786 ...rape my friend on Christmas Eve. He's married. 920 00:40:15,946 --> 00:40:17,220 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 921 00:40:17,381 --> 00:40:19,520 [CHATTERING] 922 00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:25,028 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 923 00:40:25,356 --> 00:40:26,596 Who the fuck are you? 924 00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:28,969 [GROANS] 925 00:40:29,126 --> 00:40:30,196 [SCRATCHES] 926 00:40:33,664 --> 00:40:34,506 MARY: Stop resisting. 927 00:40:34,665 --> 00:40:35,939 HAROLD: Push harder, dude! 928 00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:37,135 KUMAR: I am doing it! 929 00:40:37,301 --> 00:40:38,177 HAROLD: I can't get her... 930 00:40:38,335 --> 00:40:40,474 ...off! MARY: Oh, God! 931 00:40:40,638 --> 00:40:42,083 [HAROLD GRUNTS] 932 00:40:42,506 --> 00:40:43,780 Mariana? 933 00:40:45,910 --> 00:40:46,581 Daddy. 934 00:40:48,012 --> 00:40:48,922 BOTH: Daddy. 935 00:40:51,649 --> 00:40:52,457 That's Sergei... 936 00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:53,788 ...Katsov. 937 00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:54,793 I know, dude. 938 00:40:54,985 --> 00:40:56,157 Start talking. 939 00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:57,697 - Start talking. - Okay. 940 00:40:59,757 --> 00:41:00,462 She-- 941 00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:01,864 Start talking! Now! 942 00:41:02,026 --> 00:41:05,872 Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold. It's very nice to meet you. 943 00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:08,374 Um, I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe... 944 00:41:08,532 --> 00:41:11,536 ...but your daughter, sir, was the one who was trying to rape us. 945 00:41:11,702 --> 00:41:12,703 She's the raper. 946 00:41:12,870 --> 00:41:14,747 No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy. 947 00:41:14,905 --> 00:41:17,317 These men came in here, I didn't know who they were. 948 00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:18,954 I think that they get me drunk. 949 00:41:19,110 --> 00:41:20,919 No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect. 950 00:41:21,078 --> 00:41:22,455 You get my daughter drunk? 951 00:41:22,613 --> 00:41:24,889 Sir, if I may. This is all a big ... 952 00:41:25,516 --> 00:41:26,722 Let me pull my pants up. 953 00:41:26,884 --> 00:41:28,454 It's all a big misunderstanding. 954 00:41:29,453 --> 00:41:30,727 Your children threw the party. 955 00:41:32,123 --> 00:41:36,071 We have nothing to do with all the drugs and all the alcohol. 956 00:41:36,227 --> 00:41:36,762 [WHISTLE] 957 00:41:36,961 --> 00:41:38,304 Okay, listen up! 958 00:41:38,462 --> 00:41:39,372 Party's over! 959 00:41:39,530 --> 00:41:40,372 My baby... 960 00:41:40,531 --> 00:41:43,705 ...is fucked on cocaine! KATSOV: I've heard enough. 961 00:41:43,868 --> 00:41:44,846 Gustav. 962 00:41:45,002 --> 00:41:45,946 [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] 963 00:41:46,137 --> 00:41:47,639 - What? Oh, shit! - No! No! 964 00:41:47,805 --> 00:41:49,944 Why does it always have to be "Gustav"? 965 00:41:50,107 --> 00:41:52,678 - Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"? - He means both. 966 00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,254 Why can't he say bath cf us? 967 00:41:54,411 --> 00:41:55,754 Bath cf you... 968 00:41:56,614 --> 00:41:58,457 ...kill them. Kill them all! 969 00:41:58,916 --> 00:41:59,894 [CROWD CLAMORING] 970 00:42:00,951 --> 00:42:01,759 - Aah! KUMAR: Go! 971 00:42:01,919 --> 00:42:02,624 Now! 972 00:42:03,420 --> 00:42:04,797 TODD: Unh, ah! Ava! 973 00:42:04,955 --> 00:42:06,730 Come with me if you wanna live! 974 00:42:06,891 --> 00:42:08,063 What? No, no! 975 00:42:08,225 --> 00:42:08,794 No, no, no! 976 00:42:13,297 --> 00:42:14,139 [BOTH GRUNT] 977 00:42:45,262 --> 00:42:47,003 Aah. Where's my baby? 978 00:42:47,164 --> 00:42:48,199 - Ava! Ava! - Shh! 979 00:42:48,399 --> 00:42:50,675 Where could my baby be? Where's my baby? 980 00:42:50,834 --> 00:42:51,574 [BABY GIGGLING] 981 00:42:51,936 --> 00:42:53,438 [BOTH YELL] 982 00:42:54,205 --> 00:42:56,481 Your cake baby has superpowers. 983 00:42:56,674 --> 00:42:58,676 [BOTH LAUGHING] 984 00:42:59,877 --> 00:43:01,754 - That was close. - I know, right? 985 00:43:02,813 --> 00:43:04,815 HAROLD: Were you starting to trip cut a little bit? 986 00:43:05,849 --> 00:43:09,228 Because I think I was starting to trip cut back there a little bit. 987 00:43:09,386 --> 00:43:12,765 Yeah, definitely, man. I think there was something in the eggnog. 988 00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:14,368 It's pretty fucking sweet. 989 00:43:14,558 --> 00:43:15,400 Don't worry. 990 00:43:15,559 --> 00:43:17,334 I'm pretty sure it's wearing off. 991 00:43:19,530 --> 00:43:21,532 Or maybe not? 992 00:43:21,699 --> 00:43:24,043 Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated! 993 00:43:24,201 --> 00:43:25,680 Ha-ha-ha. Sc are you! 994 00:43:25,836 --> 00:43:26,906 Sc is he. 995 00:43:27,171 --> 00:43:28,650 What's up, bland? 996 00:43:31,008 --> 00:43:32,783 Dude, everything's Claymated! 997 00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:34,047 Fuck you! 998 00:43:34,211 --> 00:43:35,383 KUMAR: This is great! 999 00:43:35,546 --> 00:43:38,550 No, it's not! How am I supposed to get a tree now? I'm made of clay. 1000 00:43:38,716 --> 00:43:40,093 Ooh, hold on. I have an idea. 1001 00:43:40,251 --> 00:43:41,093 What the hell--? 1002 00:43:41,652 --> 00:43:42,357 Yah! 1003 00:43:42,653 --> 00:43:44,428 KUMAR: Clay cocks! - Put your cock away. 1004 00:43:46,090 --> 00:43:48,036 Dude, relax. it's gonna wear off scan. 1005 00:43:48,192 --> 00:43:48,829 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 1006 00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,704 HAROLD: Dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing? 1007 00:43:51,862 --> 00:43:52,806 What the fuck? 1008 00:43:53,097 --> 00:43:55,805 KUMAR: Don't worry, nothing had ever happens in Claymation. 1009 00:43:55,966 --> 00:43:57,070 [SNOWMAN GROWLS THEN GRUNTS] 1010 00:43:57,701 --> 00:43:58,679 Whoa! 1011 00:43:59,069 --> 00:44:00,070 Shit! 1012 00:44:00,237 --> 00:44:01,238 Fuck! 1013 00:44:09,446 --> 00:44:10,823 Dude, lack cut! 1014 00:44:18,489 --> 00:44:20,491 [PEOPLE SCREAMING] 1015 00:44:27,564 --> 00:44:28,668 KUMAR: Come on, let's hide... 1016 00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:29,572 ...in that tree. 1017 00:44:29,733 --> 00:44:30,711 Dude, came on! 1018 00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:37,710 HAROLD & KUMAR: Aww. 1019 00:44:39,109 --> 00:44:40,179 Hey, little guy. 1020 00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:44,258 Just wanna take you home and cuddle with you all night long. 1021 00:44:44,948 --> 00:44:46,256 You hungry? 1022 00:44:46,817 --> 00:44:47,420 [GROWLS] 1023 00:44:47,584 --> 00:44:48,585 [BOTH SCREAMING] 1024 00:44:51,622 --> 00:44:53,158 Fuck me! 1025 00:44:55,926 --> 00:44:56,961 Mommy! 1026 00:44:57,127 --> 00:44:58,162 Hold me! 1027 00:44:58,329 --> 00:44:59,603 - Roldy! - Kumar! 1028 00:44:59,763 --> 00:45:02,141 - What the hell's the matter? ROSENBERG: What are you doing? 1029 00:45:02,299 --> 00:45:04,108 - Rosenberg. - Goldstein? 1030 00:45:04,268 --> 00:45:07,943 We were doing last-minute shopping with my boy here when we saw you... 1031 00:45:08,105 --> 00:45:09,948 ...tearing that snowman a new tuchus. 1032 00:45:10,107 --> 00:45:11,780 ROSENBERG: You are gonna catch your death... 1033 00:45:11,942 --> 00:45:14,115 ...of cold out here. Let's get you a nice meal. 1034 00:45:14,278 --> 00:45:16,155 Is there somewhere we can eat? 1035 00:45:25,656 --> 00:45:27,897 This is why I tell you not to have people over. 1036 00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:32,871 [WHISPERS] Every single other person get cut cf here except for us. 1037 00:45:33,030 --> 00:45:35,135 -[WHISPERS] I knew you'd bring that up. - You grabbed me. 1038 00:45:35,299 --> 00:45:37,575 You said, "Came with me if you want to live." 1039 00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:38,713 [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] 1040 00:45:40,270 --> 00:45:41,476 [GIGGLING] 1041 00:45:41,638 --> 00:45:43,743 - Man, I don't think that's okay. -It's fine. 1042 00:45:43,907 --> 00:45:46,353 It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine. 1043 00:45:46,810 --> 00:45:48,380 I'm on cocaine. 1044 00:45:49,646 --> 00:45:50,784 I'm addicted to cocaine. 1045 00:45:50,948 --> 00:45:52,188 [SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN] 1046 00:45:54,151 --> 00:45:55,323 Yo! Idiots! 1047 00:45:56,653 --> 00:45:57,825 I want you to find... 1048 00:45:57,988 --> 00:46:00,298 ...the men who violated... 1049 00:46:00,457 --> 00:46:01,834 ...my daughter... 1050 00:46:01,992 --> 00:46:04,370 ...and I want you to fucking kill them! 1051 00:46:05,896 --> 00:46:08,376 - Still hits the spat. HAROLD: I know, right? 1052 00:46:08,532 --> 00:46:11,877 Oh, I almost forgot. Harold, my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back cut. 1053 00:46:12,035 --> 00:46:13,673 So me and him, we're not gonna... 1054 00:46:13,837 --> 00:46:15,510 ...be able to make your party. 1055 00:46:15,672 --> 00:46:17,413 - I'm so sorry about that. -It's okay. 1056 00:46:17,574 --> 00:46:21,386 There's not really a-- We should get going. We get a Christmas tree emergency. 1057 00:46:21,545 --> 00:46:24,856 I don't understand what it is with you people and your trees. 1058 00:46:25,015 --> 00:46:26,016 GOLDSTEIN: For us Christians... 1059 00:46:26,183 --> 00:46:28,891 ...the tree is a very important part cf cur holiday. 1060 00:46:29,052 --> 00:46:30,963 Okay, don't start with this. All right? 1061 00:46:31,121 --> 00:46:36,036 Just because your wife made you convert doesn't mean you're not a Jew! 1062 00:46:36,393 --> 00:46:39,533 His name is Seth Goldstein. For Christ's sake! 1063 00:46:39,696 --> 00:46:41,835 First cf all, don't ever take the Lord's... 1064 00:46:41,999 --> 00:46:43,444 ...name in vain. Secondly... 1065 00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:44,977 ...I was baptized, bitch! 1066 00:46:45,636 --> 00:46:46,808 The second the priest... 1067 00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:48,677 ...poured that holy water over me... 1068 00:46:48,839 --> 00:46:51,786 ...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred just washed right off. 1069 00:46:51,942 --> 00:46:54,149 KUMAR: Sounds like you're enjoying your new religion. 1070 00:46:54,344 --> 00:46:55,550 Dude, it's the balls. 1071 00:46:55,712 --> 00:46:57,350 These dirty Jew bastards have... 1072 00:46:57,514 --> 00:46:59,084 ...no idea what they're missing. 1073 00:46:59,249 --> 00:47:01,286 Fishing! Hunting! I tie knots on a sailboat. 1074 00:47:01,452 --> 00:47:02,863 I made terrible investments... 1075 00:47:03,020 --> 00:47:04,499 ...doesn't bother me a bit. 1076 00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:06,225 And guess what. Next week... 1077 00:47:06,390 --> 00:47:08,836 ...I have an appointment to get uncircumcised. 1078 00:47:08,992 --> 00:47:11,632 That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle. 1079 00:47:11,929 --> 00:47:15,604 Guys, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta go get this tree. 1080 00:47:15,766 --> 00:47:17,245 Christmas tree! Christmas tree! 1081 00:47:20,637 --> 00:47:22,878 It's glorious. isn't it Christian? 1082 00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:24,578 Great to see you guys. 1083 00:47:24,741 --> 00:47:26,414 KUMAR: See you, guys. GOLDSTEIN: No, wait. 1084 00:47:26,743 --> 00:47:27,687 Excuse me! 1085 00:47:27,878 --> 00:47:31,121 You still awe me 87 cents for that jalapeno cheeseburger! 1086 00:47:31,281 --> 00:47:35,024 Ah! Guess that holy water didn't wash everything off, new did it? 1087 00:47:36,787 --> 00:47:38,289 HAROLD: God, that tree is perfect. 1088 00:47:38,455 --> 00:47:39,525 KUMAR: Let's go check it cut. 1089 00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:40,930 Tickets, please. 1090 00:47:41,091 --> 00:47:42,695 I'm sorry, we don't have tickets. 1091 00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:44,032 They sold cut months ago. 1092 00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:46,599 - But-- - Step aside, please. 1093 00:47:47,264 --> 00:47:48,937 I said step aside. 1094 00:47:51,468 --> 00:47:52,776 Shit. 1095 00:47:54,104 --> 00:47:56,846 You know what? Fuck it, it's almost midnight. I give up. 1096 00:47:57,007 --> 00:47:58,111 You can't give up yet. 1097 00:47:59,009 --> 00:48:00,113 Lack... 1098 00:48:00,277 --> 00:48:02,917 ...I have an idea on haw we might get that tree cut. 1099 00:48:03,213 --> 00:48:04,715 - What? -It's not gonna be easy. 1100 00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:06,862 But this may be the last chance we've got. 1101 00:48:08,151 --> 00:48:08,993 Here's what we do. 1102 00:48:10,554 --> 00:48:12,397 First, we need to steal some tickets. 1103 00:48:12,556 --> 00:48:15,162 Then I slip off to the side and take out the archbishop. 1104 00:48:17,194 --> 00:48:18,935 I head down to the nuns' shower room. 1105 00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:23,337 HAROLD: I didn't know the nuns all showered in the same room. 1106 00:48:23,500 --> 00:48:25,377 How do you think they stay so clean? 1107 00:48:26,870 --> 00:48:30,545 While the nuns are lezzing it out, I'm gonna snag the key to the back room. 1108 00:48:30,707 --> 00:48:32,152 HAROLD: What back room? 1109 00:48:32,309 --> 00:48:35,654 The back room that the priests are guarding. Am I going too fast? 1110 00:48:35,812 --> 00:48:36,813 - No. - Okay, good. 1111 00:48:36,980 --> 00:48:38,823 You're in charge cf distracting them. 1112 00:48:38,982 --> 00:48:40,188 How the hell do I do that? 1113 00:48:40,350 --> 00:48:42,523 KUMAR: That's easy, you'll just use our secret weapon. 1114 00:48:42,686 --> 00:48:47,192 Pillow fight in the altar boys' room. Last one there's a rotten egg. 1115 00:48:48,559 --> 00:48:51,665 KUMAR: Once the coast is clear, we use the key to get into the back room. 1116 00:48:51,828 --> 00:48:53,364 I guard while you kill the power. 1117 00:48:53,530 --> 00:48:55,703 While everyone's trying to turn the power on... 1118 00:48:55,866 --> 00:48:57,812 ...you and I will get the tree. 1119 00:48:57,968 --> 00:49:00,744 We take it to your place, and when Maria's dad comes home... 1120 00:49:00,904 --> 00:49:02,781 ...and sees this beautiful tree... 1121 00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:05,216 ...in your living room, he'll jizz all over it. 1122 00:49:06,743 --> 00:49:07,744 What do you think? 1123 00:49:09,313 --> 00:49:10,053 INEZ: Uncle Harold. 1124 00:49:10,213 --> 00:49:12,955 I think I see Uncle Harold over there. 1125 00:49:13,116 --> 00:49:15,255 What do you mean, you see Uncle Harold? 1126 00:49:20,090 --> 00:49:21,091 Baby? 1127 00:49:21,725 --> 00:49:23,033 Oh, sorry, sir. 1128 00:49:23,527 --> 00:49:24,301 MR. PEREZ: it's okay, baby. 1129 00:49:24,461 --> 00:49:27,067 They all look alike to me too. Ha-ha-ha. 1130 00:49:28,899 --> 00:49:33,143 HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass. Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight! 1131 00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:34,577 Running cut cf time. 1132 00:49:34,738 --> 00:49:37,048 Wait, wait, wait! What the hell are we doing? 1133 00:49:37,207 --> 00:49:39,483 Hold on. What the hell's going on? 1134 00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:42,624 He almost spotted us! I'm supposed to be at home with the tree. 1135 00:49:42,779 --> 00:49:45,055 But why are you making such a big deal about this? 1136 00:49:45,215 --> 00:49:47,388 Because it is a big deal. 1137 00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,088 Who gives a shit what your father-in-law thinks? 1138 00:49:50,253 --> 00:49:54,258 I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks. You wouldn't understand. 1139 00:49:55,592 --> 00:49:57,731 No, dude, I don't understand. 1140 00:49:58,328 --> 00:50:01,434 You got a great job, you make good money, you don't beat your wife. 1141 00:50:01,598 --> 00:50:03,737 What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for? 1142 00:50:03,900 --> 00:50:05,538 - Well ... - If I were you... 1143 00:50:05,702 --> 00:50:07,773 ...I'd tell him to eat a cockmeat sandwich. 1144 00:50:09,473 --> 00:50:10,850 You should not go through... 1145 00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:12,749 ...all this just to make him happy. 1146 00:50:13,343 --> 00:50:15,118 You're right, I don't have to. 1147 00:50:15,746 --> 00:50:17,089 I want to. 1148 00:50:17,781 --> 00:50:21,524 I want him to be happy because I want Maria to be happy. 1149 00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:24,632 Because what makes Maria happy is what makes me happy. 1150 00:50:25,255 --> 00:50:26,063 Don't you get it? 1151 00:50:26,223 --> 00:50:28,567 I don't have to be doing this. 1152 00:50:29,126 --> 00:50:30,799 I wanna be doing this. 1153 00:50:32,596 --> 00:50:33,597 What the fuck? 1154 00:50:33,764 --> 00:50:36,643 Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago! We need all bodies on-stage! 1155 00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:37,676 [BOTH YELL] 1156 00:50:38,468 --> 00:50:41,915 Oh, my God, you guys aren't even dressed? Jesus fucking Christ! 1157 00:50:42,072 --> 00:50:43,142 You have the wrong people. 1158 00:50:43,306 --> 00:50:44,307 Wardrobe! 1159 00:50:44,474 --> 00:50:47,080 Ga! Come on, came on, came on! Shut up! 1160 00:50:48,812 --> 00:50:51,691 Ma'am, you seem like a very nice person. 1161 00:50:51,848 --> 00:50:53,156 BECCA: Ga! Move! 1162 00:50:53,316 --> 00:50:54,590 Fucking actors. 1163 00:50:54,751 --> 00:50:57,425 ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]: And now, ladies and gentlemen... 1164 00:50:57,587 --> 00:50:59,328 ...without further ado... 1165 00:50:59,489 --> 00:51:01,093 ...the man... - Lock at these firs. 1166 00:51:01,258 --> 00:51:02,794 ...You've all been waiting for: 1167 00:51:02,959 --> 00:51:04,336 America's sweetheart! 1168 00:51:04,494 --> 00:51:05,302 [SINGING] Deck the halls with boughs of holly 1169 00:51:05,462 --> 00:51:06,463 Holy shit. Neil. 1170 00:51:06,963 --> 00:51:09,239 Fa-Ia-Ia-la-la, la-la-Ia-la 1171 00:51:09,766 --> 00:51:10,540 Dance. 1172 00:51:10,701 --> 00:51:11,543 What? 1173 00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,339 Blend. Blend. Blend. 1174 00:51:13,503 --> 00:51:14,379 KUMAR: Harold. Wait! 1175 00:51:14,938 --> 00:51:17,145 Don we now our gay apparel 1176 00:51:17,307 --> 00:51:19,981 Fa-Ia-la, la-Ia-Ia, Ia-la-la 1177 00:51:20,143 --> 00:51:22,316 Troll the ancient yuletide carol 1178 00:51:22,479 --> 00:51:24,049 Fa-Ia-Ia-la-la, la-Ia 1179 00:51:24,815 --> 00:51:26,260 La-Ia! 1180 00:51:31,121 --> 00:51:33,863 You better watch out You better not cry 1181 00:51:34,024 --> 00:51:36,402 You better not pout I'm tellin' you why 1182 00:51:36,560 --> 00:51:38,801 Santa Claus is comin' 1183 00:51:38,962 --> 00:51:40,566 To town 1184 00:51:40,731 --> 00:51:41,709 [GRUNTS] 1185 00:51:41,998 --> 00:51:43,841 He sees you when you're sleeping 1186 00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:45,206 He knows when you're awake 1187 00:51:45,368 --> 00:51:46,813 [ALL GRUNTING] 1188 00:51:47,838 --> 00:51:48,908 HAROLD: Oh, my God! 1189 00:51:49,206 --> 00:51:51,243 So be good for goodness' sake 1190 00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:53,421 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 1191 00:51:57,414 --> 00:52:00,657 Santa Claus is comin' to town 1192 00:52:06,523 --> 00:52:09,003 WAFFLEBOTS [SINGING]: I played my drum for him 1193 00:52:09,159 --> 00:52:10,900 Pa rum pum pum pum 1194 00:52:13,230 --> 00:52:14,834 Then he 1195 00:52:14,998 --> 00:52:16,272 Smiled at me 1196 00:52:16,833 --> 00:52:18,506 Pa rum pum pum pum 1197 00:52:19,236 --> 00:52:21,216 Me and my drum 1198 00:52:30,113 --> 00:52:32,719 We wish you a merry Christmas 1199 00:52:32,883 --> 00:52:35,363 We wish you a merry Christmas 1200 00:52:35,786 --> 00:52:37,595 We wish you a merry Christmas 1201 00:52:37,754 --> 00:52:40,030 And a happy New Year 1202 00:52:40,190 --> 00:52:42,568 We wish you a merry Christmas 1203 00:52:42,726 --> 00:52:44,797 We wish you a merry Christmas 1204 00:52:44,961 --> 00:52:47,100 We wish you a merry Christmas 1205 00:52:47,264 --> 00:52:49,972 And a happy 1206 00:52:50,133 --> 00:52:55,276 New Year 1207 00:53:00,944 --> 00:53:02,617 Merry Christmas, everyone! 1208 00:53:04,815 --> 00:53:07,056 DIRECTOR: All right, that's a cut. Great jab. 1209 00:53:07,217 --> 00:53:09,322 Great jab. I've just get a few notes, okay? 1210 00:53:09,486 --> 00:53:11,625 Just gonna came on the stage. 1211 00:53:11,788 --> 00:53:12,960 Oh, God. 1212 00:53:13,557 --> 00:53:14,900 Fucking tight jeans. 1213 00:53:16,626 --> 00:53:21,439 NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing the heat, and you are bringing it hard. 1214 00:53:21,598 --> 00:53:23,976 You're a dream, but unfortunately... 1215 00:53:24,134 --> 00:53:26,114 ...these backup blowjob artists... 1216 00:53:26,269 --> 00:53:28,476 ...are ruining everything! 1217 00:53:28,638 --> 00:53:29,981 I can run it again. 1218 00:53:30,140 --> 00:53:33,485 No, no, no. No, you skedaddle. Go and get some rest, huh? 1219 00:53:33,643 --> 00:53:35,452 Make yourself fresh, okay? Ha, ha. 1220 00:53:36,780 --> 00:53:37,986 Damn it! 1221 00:53:42,586 --> 00:53:43,860 Hey, Gracie, chin up. 1222 00:53:44,020 --> 00:53:46,022 Happens to the best of us. You up for... 1223 00:53:46,189 --> 00:53:48,100 ...one-on-one rehearsing later? GRACIE: Wait. 1224 00:53:49,025 --> 00:53:50,026 You know my name? 1225 00:53:50,193 --> 00:53:54,266 Of course. You're doing great. I thought we could work on a thing or two. 1226 00:53:54,431 --> 00:53:57,310 - In my dressing room, five minutes. - Yes! 1227 00:53:57,467 --> 00:54:00,107 Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris. 1228 00:54:00,270 --> 00:54:03,046 - I'll get changed and be right over. - I'll see you then. 1229 00:54:05,275 --> 00:54:07,812 You really think Neil can get us one cf those trees? 1230 00:54:07,978 --> 00:54:10,481 After all we've been through with that guy, he better. 1231 00:54:10,647 --> 00:54:12,024 No shit. 1232 00:54:12,616 --> 00:54:14,095 REPORTER: Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye. 1233 00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:17,494 Hollywood Hearsay. Is it true that you're replacing Regis? 1234 00:54:17,654 --> 00:54:18,860 NEIL: it'll be tough between... 1235 00:54:19,022 --> 00:54:21,662 ...How I Met Your Mother and charity work, but we'll see. 1236 00:54:21,825 --> 00:54:24,806 Oh, wow. And you stunned fans when you said you were gay. 1237 00:54:24,961 --> 00:54:28,067 How has this affected your relationship with your partner, David? 1238 00:54:28,231 --> 00:54:30,711 Well, maybe this'll answer your question. 1239 00:54:32,135 --> 00:54:33,637 So hot, NPH. 1240 00:54:33,803 --> 00:54:36,545 Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha. Hey. How about that? 1241 00:54:36,706 --> 00:54:38,310 Thank you. I love you guys. 1242 00:54:38,475 --> 00:54:39,476 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1243 00:54:39,643 --> 00:54:41,520 Ugh. What did I tell you about using tongue? 1244 00:54:41,678 --> 00:54:43,521 You wanted it to lack realistic. 1245 00:54:43,680 --> 00:54:46,422 Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit. 1246 00:54:46,583 --> 00:54:49,496 The only reason I put up with this homo crap is for the p-tang. 1247 00:54:49,686 --> 00:54:50,994 DAVID: Fuck this! I get a wife... 1248 00:54:51,154 --> 00:54:52,792 ...and kid. I'm cut cf here. 1249 00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:53,991 NEIL: Wait, man. 1250 00:54:54,157 --> 00:54:55,261 What about the stuff? 1251 00:54:55,458 --> 00:54:56,869 DAVID: What stuff? - The stuff. 1252 00:54:57,027 --> 00:54:58,165 Give me the stuff. 1253 00:54:58,862 --> 00:54:59,704 This stuff? 1254 00:54:59,863 --> 00:55:00,773 [PANTS] 1255 00:55:00,997 --> 00:55:01,839 Oh, yeah. 1256 00:55:01,998 --> 00:55:03,534 You'd like this bag cf crack. 1257 00:55:03,700 --> 00:55:04,508 Wouldn't you? 1258 00:55:04,668 --> 00:55:07,342 Well, maybe I should give it to someone else. 1259 00:55:07,504 --> 00:55:09,506 You know I get Fred Savage on speed dial. 1260 00:55:09,673 --> 00:55:11,846 Fuck Savage! That rock is mine! 1261 00:55:12,008 --> 00:55:15,922 Give it to me. Come on, David, give me the stuff. Give me the sugar. 1262 00:55:16,079 --> 00:55:18,252 - Put money in my account. - You get it. Done. 1263 00:55:18,415 --> 00:55:21,191 - And sing at my niece's quinceanera. - All right, I'll sing. 1264 00:55:21,351 --> 00:55:23,228 - You can't fuck her! - I can't promise. 1265 00:55:23,386 --> 00:55:24,387 - Fine. - No! All right! 1266 00:55:24,554 --> 00:55:25,362 I won't fuck her! 1267 00:55:25,522 --> 00:55:27,297 Just let me have the rack. 1268 00:55:27,457 --> 00:55:28,367 GRACIE: Excuse me, Neil? 1269 00:55:28,525 --> 00:55:29,663 Oh. Oh, this is-- 1270 00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,032 I can came back later. 1271 00:55:31,194 --> 00:55:34,471 - No! No, I'm heading cut. Ha, ha. - No, we were just-- Hi. 1272 00:55:34,631 --> 00:55:36,372 Bye-bye, sweet pea. 1273 00:55:36,533 --> 00:55:38,479 - You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha. DAVID: Always. 1274 00:55:38,635 --> 00:55:39,909 You guys are too cute. 1275 00:55:40,070 --> 00:55:40,844 [M o u T H s] Fuck you. 1276 00:55:41,004 --> 00:55:41,573 I do love... 1277 00:55:41,738 --> 00:55:43,342 ...that handsome man. 1278 00:55:43,707 --> 00:55:45,152 Thank you so much for this... 1279 00:55:45,308 --> 00:55:47,083 ...opportunity to work with you. 1280 00:55:47,243 --> 00:55:48,244 Sure. Come on in. 1281 00:55:48,411 --> 00:55:49,890 What would you like to rehearse? 1282 00:55:50,046 --> 00:55:52,185 Oh. Nothing specific. Just some general stuff. 1283 00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:54,955 You seemed tense. I thought we could loosen you up. 1284 00:55:55,118 --> 00:55:56,290 Take your sweater off. 1285 00:55:56,720 --> 00:55:57,562 [CHUCKLES] 1286 00:55:57,787 --> 00:55:58,424 Oh, no, no. 1287 00:55:58,588 --> 00:55:59,828 For a massage. Heh. 1288 00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:02,401 David'll tell you, these hands are magical. 1289 00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:05,768 Well, I don't really have anything on underneath, so ... 1290 00:56:05,929 --> 00:56:08,068 Oh, it's okay. It's just a couple girlfriends. 1291 00:56:08,231 --> 00:56:09,266 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1292 00:56:09,766 --> 00:56:11,143 Now take it off. 1293 00:56:11,668 --> 00:56:12,738 Okay. 1294 00:56:16,439 --> 00:56:18,419 Why don't you lay on the bed? 1295 00:56:23,013 --> 00:56:24,458 [SNIFFS] 1296 00:56:28,585 --> 00:56:29,791 - Ow. - Sorry. 1297 00:56:32,922 --> 00:56:34,162 [BOTH MOANING] 1298 00:56:34,324 --> 00:56:35,268 Feels good. 1299 00:56:35,425 --> 00:56:37,132 Yeah, it does feel good. 1300 00:56:37,293 --> 00:56:39,364 I can't ... I can't ... 1301 00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:42,202 - Can I take this bra off? - Um ... 1302 00:56:42,465 --> 00:56:44,809 -it's okay. Girlfriends. - Ha-ha-ha. 1303 00:56:45,435 --> 00:56:46,937 That's better. 1304 00:56:47,103 --> 00:56:48,605 Should we do something? 1305 00:56:48,772 --> 00:56:51,514 I don't know, I kind cf wanna see what happens next. 1306 00:56:51,975 --> 00:56:52,953 Feels good. 1307 00:56:53,109 --> 00:56:54,315 Oh, it's so hard. 1308 00:56:54,477 --> 00:56:56,787 This knot on your back is so hard. 1309 00:56:56,946 --> 00:56:58,619 Lack, don't be alarmed... 1310 00:56:59,816 --> 00:57:03,889 ...but I'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about... 1311 00:57:04,354 --> 00:57:05,628 ...35 seconds. 1312 00:57:05,789 --> 00:57:06,699 Excuse me? 1313 00:57:06,856 --> 00:57:08,062 - Shut up. - What the fuck? 1314 00:57:08,224 --> 00:57:09,362 Shut the fuck up! 1315 00:57:09,526 --> 00:57:10,630 Get the fuck off cf me! 1316 00:57:10,794 --> 00:57:12,705 You like it rough? I can play that way. 1317 00:57:12,862 --> 00:57:14,535 God! I thought you were gay! 1318 00:57:14,697 --> 00:57:16,176 I am gay. Gay for that pussy. 1319 00:57:16,332 --> 00:57:17,333 Oh! 1320 00:57:17,534 --> 00:57:19,571 I don't know what sick game you're playing... 1321 00:57:19,736 --> 00:57:21,977 ...but touch me again, I'll rip your dick off! 1322 00:57:22,138 --> 00:57:23,446 [LAUGHING] 1323 00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:24,482 [GRUNTS] 1324 00:57:27,677 --> 00:57:29,588 Marty, Kumar, lang time. 1325 00:57:31,648 --> 00:57:33,753 It's Harold, actually. 1326 00:57:33,917 --> 00:57:35,419 Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is. 1327 00:57:35,619 --> 00:57:36,859 Come on, have a seat. 1328 00:57:37,020 --> 00:57:40,558 How lang has it been? You two lack great. Have you Inst weight? 1329 00:57:40,724 --> 00:57:42,328 Is that Hugo Bass? I Iove it. 1330 00:57:42,492 --> 00:57:44,529 Well, thanks. Listen, um ... 1331 00:57:45,061 --> 00:57:47,905 Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris? 1332 00:57:48,365 --> 00:57:49,742 Shut up! 1333 00:57:49,933 --> 00:57:50,877 God, I hate this... 1334 00:57:51,034 --> 00:57:53,071 ...fucking PancakeBot thing. 1335 00:57:53,236 --> 00:57:54,715 Dude, it's a WaffleBot. 1336 00:57:54,871 --> 00:57:56,009 They' re awesome. 1337 00:57:56,172 --> 00:57:56,775 WaffleThing. 1338 00:57:56,940 --> 00:57:58,044 Get the fuck... 1339 00:57:58,208 --> 00:57:59,585 ...cut cf my life! 1340 00:58:00,243 --> 00:58:01,847 Ouch. 1341 00:58:02,178 --> 00:58:03,282 [NEIL SIGHS] 1342 00:58:03,446 --> 00:58:04,390 Anyway... 1343 00:58:04,547 --> 00:58:07,050 ...what can I do for you, my burglars cf turd? 1344 00:58:07,217 --> 00:58:09,390 Time-the-fuck-cut. How are you still alive? 1345 00:58:09,552 --> 00:58:10,724 Yeah, haw the fuck? 1346 00:58:11,121 --> 00:58:12,464 What are you talking about? 1347 00:58:12,622 --> 00:58:13,794 We saw you get shot. 1348 00:58:14,591 --> 00:58:16,093 You have to be more specific. 1349 00:58:16,259 --> 00:58:17,135 In that whorehouse. 1350 00:58:17,293 --> 00:58:17,930 In Texas. 1351 00:58:18,094 --> 00:58:19,471 You branded a prostitute. 1352 00:58:19,629 --> 00:58:20,198 Remember? 1353 00:58:20,597 --> 00:58:22,201 Oh, yeah! 1354 00:58:22,365 --> 00:58:24,538 Now I remember. 1355 00:58:24,934 --> 00:58:26,038 It hurt like hell... 1356 00:58:26,202 --> 00:58:27,044 ...at first. 1357 00:58:27,203 --> 00:58:27,977 And then... 1358 00:58:28,138 --> 00:58:29,173 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1359 00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:31,709 ...everything faded away. 1360 00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:33,579 And I went to heaven. 1361 00:58:35,378 --> 00:58:36,379 It was exactly... 1362 00:58:36,546 --> 00:58:37,616 ...like I imagined it. 1363 00:58:37,781 --> 00:58:38,782 [CHATTERING] 1364 00:58:39,616 --> 00:58:40,754 Saint Peter was there... 1365 00:58:40,917 --> 00:58:41,918 ...to meet me. 1366 00:58:42,085 --> 00:58:43,587 Whoa. No way! 1367 00:58:43,753 --> 00:58:45,289 - NPH? - Yup. 1368 00:58:45,922 --> 00:58:48,630 ST. PETER: Make room! Make room! VIP! 1369 00:58:49,492 --> 00:58:50,527 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 1370 00:58:50,694 --> 00:58:53,436 NEIL: The chicks were hot. The music was sick. 1371 00:58:53,596 --> 00:58:55,098 There were lasers. 1372 00:58:55,265 --> 00:58:57,006 It was like being famous... 1373 00:58:57,167 --> 00:58:59,340 ...in the early '90s. I was about to... 1374 00:58:59,502 --> 00:59:01,175 ...get my drink on, when I was... 1375 00:59:01,337 --> 00:59:03,214 ...interrupted by some dirty hippie. 1376 00:59:04,074 --> 00:59:05,781 Neil Patrick Harris. My man. 1377 00:59:06,409 --> 00:59:07,945 I'm sure you recognize me... 1378 00:59:09,012 --> 00:59:10,582 ...but I'm Jesus. Sc... 1379 00:59:11,114 --> 00:59:12,184 Jesus...? 1380 00:59:12,348 --> 00:59:14,794 Jesus Christ. That's me. I'm Jesus Christ, Neil. 1381 00:59:14,951 --> 00:59:16,760 Hey, ladies. 1382 00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:19,400 Neil Patrick Harris. I played Private Carl Jenkins... 1383 00:59:19,556 --> 00:59:21,001 in Starship Troopers. 1384 00:59:21,224 --> 00:59:21,964 JESUS: Wow. 1385 00:59:22,192 --> 00:59:24,331 I love that movie. Cool, cool. Awesome. 1386 00:59:24,494 --> 00:59:26,303 Let's get shots. Keep the party going. 1387 00:59:26,463 --> 00:59:27,373 - Who's in? - Shots. 1388 00:59:27,530 --> 00:59:28,235 Sc, girls ... 1389 00:59:31,134 --> 00:59:32,909 Aw, came on. 1390 00:59:33,069 --> 00:59:34,377 How did that happen already? 1391 00:59:36,973 --> 00:59:38,213 Give me the phone to Dad. 1392 00:59:39,542 --> 00:59:41,215 GOD: This is God. - Daddy? 1393 00:59:41,377 --> 00:59:43,084 We need to 86 NPH ASAP. 1394 00:59:43,246 --> 00:59:45,021 He's getting a handjob in my club. 1395 00:59:45,582 --> 00:59:47,289 [MOANS] 1396 00:59:47,450 --> 00:59:50,124 Jesus, what a cockblock. 1397 00:59:51,054 --> 00:59:52,465 Doesn't explain the gay thing. 1398 00:59:52,622 --> 00:59:53,965 You're not gay, motherfucker. 1399 00:59:54,124 --> 00:59:54,829 At all. 1400 00:59:54,991 --> 00:59:56,368 [LAUGHS] 1401 00:59:56,826 --> 00:59:59,705 That's a little something we magicians call "misdirection." 1402 00:59:59,863 --> 01:00:01,069 Little trick I learned... 1403 01:00:01,231 --> 01:00:02,232 ...from Clay Aiken. HAROLD: What? 1404 01:00:02,398 --> 01:00:03,809 Clay Aiken's not gay? 1405 01:00:03,967 --> 01:00:07,915 Clay's the biggest coozehound I know. That guy gets mad gash. 1406 01:00:08,071 --> 01:00:08,981 HAROLD: Neil, listen. 1407 01:00:09,139 --> 01:00:10,914 I was wandering if-- 1408 01:00:11,074 --> 01:00:13,145 I can get you one cf those Christmas trees? 1409 01:00:13,309 --> 01:00:14,379 Sure, no problem. 1410 01:00:14,544 --> 01:00:15,545 How'd you know that? 1411 01:00:15,879 --> 01:00:17,654 I can read your mind. 1412 01:00:19,415 --> 01:00:20,416 KUMAR: All right. 1413 01:00:20,583 --> 01:00:21,687 You might be able to--? 1414 01:00:21,851 --> 01:00:25,025 Hack you up with a free WaffleBot? You know what? Take mine. 1415 01:00:25,188 --> 01:00:26,599 I hate that android fuck. 1416 01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:29,600 Don't call him that, dude. What's up, WaffleBot? 1417 01:00:29,759 --> 01:00:31,932 Waffles are awesome. Pancakes suck, right? 1418 01:00:32,095 --> 01:00:33,870 I hate pancakes. 1419 01:00:34,030 --> 01:00:34,940 I know, so do I. 1420 01:00:35,098 --> 01:00:36,805 Kumar. 1421 01:00:38,168 --> 01:00:39,010 Thanks, Neil. 1422 01:00:39,169 --> 01:00:40,239 - Thanks. NEIL: No problem. 1423 01:00:40,403 --> 01:00:43,247 Hey, merry Christmas, guys. We'll see you in the fourth one. 1424 01:00:44,808 --> 01:00:48,153 HAROLD: God, this is amazing. We're actually gonna make it home before they do. 1425 01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:50,587 - We saved Christmas, man. KUMAR: Mission accomplished. 1426 01:00:50,747 --> 01:00:53,023 - All right, put down the tree. Put it dawn. - Unh! 1427 01:00:53,216 --> 01:00:54,820 HAROLD: All right. - Waffle break? 1428 01:00:55,018 --> 01:00:56,895 All right. Oh, God. 1429 01:00:57,053 --> 01:00:58,760 Oh, my God. WaffleBot. 1430 01:00:58,922 --> 01:01:00,026 Dude, seriously... 1431 01:01:00,190 --> 01:01:01,965 ...these are incredible waffles. 1432 01:01:02,125 --> 01:01:04,731 Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever. 1433 01:01:05,228 --> 01:01:07,071 Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot. 1434 01:01:07,230 --> 01:01:08,834 I love you... 1435 01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:10,671 ...Kumar. - Ha, ha. 1436 01:01:10,834 --> 01:01:12,211 I love you too, little guy. 1437 01:01:12,702 --> 01:01:13,407 HAROLD: What the fuck? 1438 01:01:13,570 --> 01:01:15,140 That is the weirdest fucking toy. 1439 01:01:15,738 --> 01:01:16,580 You're happy. 1440 01:01:16,739 --> 01:01:19,219 See? You're laughing. You're having fun. Admit it: 1441 01:01:19,375 --> 01:01:21,321 I'm more fun to hang cut with than Todd. 1442 01:01:21,477 --> 01:01:24,117 Todd and Ava. I totally forgot about them. 1443 01:01:24,581 --> 01:01:25,924 I'm sure they're fine, right? 1444 01:01:26,082 --> 01:01:27,390 It's going to voicemail. 1445 01:01:27,550 --> 01:01:29,359 I think they're fine. Todd's a big boy. 1446 01:01:29,519 --> 01:01:31,658 He's probably putting her to bed or something. 1447 01:01:31,855 --> 01:01:34,631 Yeah. They're probably fine, right? 1448 01:01:37,460 --> 01:01:39,235 MADEA [ON TV]: Look at me, look at me! 1449 01:01:39,395 --> 01:01:41,102 Why wasn't you at school today? 1450 01:01:41,264 --> 01:01:42,436 I went to the park. 1451 01:01:42,665 --> 01:01:43,735 She lying. 1452 01:01:43,933 --> 01:01:46,379 MADEA: What was you doing? You supposed to be at school. 1453 01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:47,537 [BAG RUSTLING] 1454 01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:49,775 Little girl, I'm not gonna ask you no more. 1455 01:01:49,939 --> 01:01:53,978 NIKKI: I'm not smart like the other kids. I can't do that stuff. 1456 01:01:54,143 --> 01:01:55,679 MADEA: Who told you that? 1457 01:01:55,879 --> 01:01:57,984 NIKKI: My last foster mother. 1458 01:01:58,147 --> 01:02:02,095 She told me that the only thing I'm gonna be smart enough to do is lay on my back. 1459 01:02:02,252 --> 01:02:05,199 MADEA: The best revenge you can have on somebody that told you that... 1460 01:02:05,355 --> 01:02:06,390 [CRUNCHING] 1461 01:02:06,556 --> 01:02:09,628 ...is to prove them wrong. l went to that school and I got your homework. 1462 01:02:09,792 --> 01:02:12,739 TODD [WHISPERS]: Are you fucking kidding me? 1463 01:02:12,896 --> 01:02:13,670 ["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS AS RINGTONE] 1464 01:02:13,830 --> 01:02:14,570 - Oh. - Oh. 1465 01:02:15,098 --> 01:02:16,668 Maybe that's Todd. 1466 01:02:16,933 --> 01:02:18,674 Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you? 1467 01:02:18,835 --> 01:02:20,439 Oh, that's because Maria is-- 1468 01:02:20,603 --> 01:02:21,843 - Hello? VANESSA: Kumar? 1469 01:02:22,005 --> 01:02:23,109 - Is that you? - Yeah. 1470 01:02:23,273 --> 01:02:24,809 Why are you calling Harold? 1471 01:02:24,974 --> 01:02:25,645 [SIGHS] 1472 01:02:25,808 --> 01:02:27,219 Can I just speak to him, please? 1473 01:02:27,377 --> 01:02:28,788 What? No. 1474 01:02:28,945 --> 01:02:30,185 I've been texting you. 1475 01:02:30,346 --> 01:02:32,087 I haven 't heard back. What's going on? 1476 01:02:32,248 --> 01:02:33,420 Tell him I'm not gonna... 1477 01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,153 ...make it to his party tomorrow. 1478 01:02:35,318 --> 01:02:38,094 Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it-- 1479 01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:40,234 She won't make it to your party. Too bad. 1480 01:02:40,390 --> 01:02:42,631 What else have you been doing behind my back? 1481 01:02:42,792 --> 01:02:44,931 Has she seen your dick? Is it bigger than mine? 1482 01:02:45,094 --> 01:02:47,700 Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay? Goodbye. 1483 01:02:47,864 --> 01:02:49,639 No, don't hang up the phone on me. 1484 01:02:50,033 --> 01:02:51,205 Hello? 1485 01:02:52,568 --> 01:02:53,945 Here's your phone. 1486 01:02:54,304 --> 01:02:55,009 What is that? 1487 01:02:55,171 --> 01:02:57,708 That's Vanessa, Todd, Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav. 1488 01:02:57,874 --> 01:02:59,717 Does everybody know about this party? 1489 01:02:59,876 --> 01:03:01,913 Listen, if you want you can come. 1490 01:03:02,078 --> 01:03:04,649 I don't wanna came to your shitty-ass party, dude. 1491 01:03:04,814 --> 01:03:07,055 I can't believe you'd invite Vanessa and not tell me. 1492 01:03:07,216 --> 01:03:08,820 Am I supposed to feel bad? 1493 01:03:08,985 --> 01:03:12,489 Maybe if you acted more like an adult, you'd get invited to adult parties. 1494 01:03:12,655 --> 01:03:14,862 Maybe you should go back to your fancy house... 1495 01:03:15,024 --> 01:03:17,300 ...with your douchey friends and gay-ass sconces. 1496 01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:18,939 I don't need to be part cf this. 1497 01:03:19,095 --> 01:03:20,403 I love those sconces. 1498 01:03:20,563 --> 01:03:23,043 You know, I was really happy till you showed up today. 1499 01:03:23,199 --> 01:03:25,008 Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude. 1500 01:03:25,168 --> 01:03:26,647 - I'm cut. - Fine with me. 1501 01:03:26,803 --> 01:03:27,338 Fine. 1502 01:03:27,503 --> 01:03:28,743 - Cool. - All right. 1503 01:03:28,905 --> 01:03:30,885 - Are we having lovers' quarrel? -oh, shim. 1504 01:03:31,641 --> 01:03:32,813 [MUFFLED GRUNTING] 1505 01:03:36,546 --> 01:03:39,925 Kumar, my friend. 1506 01:03:42,852 --> 01:03:44,126 Oh, lock. 1507 01:03:44,287 --> 01:03:45,197 A WaffleBot. 1508 01:03:45,355 --> 01:03:45,992 GUSTAV: Mary would... 1509 01:03:46,155 --> 01:03:47,600 ...love one cf these. - Uh-huh. 1510 01:03:47,757 --> 01:03:48,895 GUSTAV: Grab it. 1511 01:03:49,058 --> 01:03:50,765 Oh, crap. 1512 01:03:56,399 --> 01:03:57,639 GUSTAV: Wake up! 1513 01:03:58,634 --> 01:04:00,910 Wake up! Wake up! 1514 01:04:01,637 --> 01:04:02,809 Wake up. 1515 01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:06,009 - Wake up. - Oh. 1516 01:04:06,275 --> 01:04:07,811 Oh, sun. 1517 01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:10,753 Please, I don't know what we've done, but please let us go. 1518 01:04:10,913 --> 01:04:13,291 After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary? 1519 01:04:13,449 --> 01:04:14,792 That was a misunderstanding. 1520 01:04:14,951 --> 01:04:16,897 I'm freezing! Give us back cur clothes. 1521 01:04:17,053 --> 01:04:18,930 Yuri, warm them up. 1522 01:04:23,559 --> 01:04:25,664 WAFFLEBOT: Kumar. 1523 01:04:25,828 --> 01:04:26,932 KUMAR: Please don't do that. 1524 01:04:27,096 --> 01:04:30,407 Please, please, please. There is a very serious gas crisis... 1525 01:04:30,566 --> 01:04:32,807 ...in the world. Let's discuss. - Came on, man! 1526 01:04:32,969 --> 01:04:35,745 As they say in my country: 1527 01:04:35,905 --> 01:04:37,009 [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] 1528 01:04:37,173 --> 01:04:38,652 No, don't say "do svidaniya." 1529 01:04:39,175 --> 01:04:40,347 Come on. 1530 01:04:43,479 --> 01:04:44,981 You didn't get the lighter. 1531 01:04:45,148 --> 01:04:48,595 You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee. 1532 01:04:48,751 --> 01:04:49,991 Nothing about lighter. 1533 01:04:50,286 --> 01:04:51,424 GUSTAV: You stupid... 1534 01:04:51,587 --> 01:04:53,760 ...fucking moron! 1535 01:04:53,956 --> 01:04:55,458 You're such a fuck-up! 1536 01:04:57,560 --> 01:04:58,265 Oh, sun. 1537 01:04:58,795 --> 01:05:00,172 [SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN] 1538 01:05:01,764 --> 01:05:02,902 [GUSTAV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN] 1539 01:05:06,102 --> 01:05:07,080 Hey, guys, stop! 1540 01:05:07,236 --> 01:05:09,580 Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it. 1541 01:05:10,973 --> 01:05:14,284 Now, look, I understand that you guys have your issues, okay? 1542 01:05:14,610 --> 01:05:18,581 But wasn't there a time you actually used to get along? You might be in... 1543 01:05:18,748 --> 01:05:22,321 ...a different time and place, but that doesn't change the fact that you... 1544 01:05:22,485 --> 01:05:25,329 ...have along and probably beautiful history together. 1545 01:05:27,123 --> 01:05:30,730 Yeah, maybe one cf you fucks up every new and again. 1546 01:05:31,194 --> 01:05:32,468 Happens. 1547 01:05:32,628 --> 01:05:35,040 Maybe he fucks up all the time. 1548 01:05:35,665 --> 01:05:38,339 Doesn't mean the other should forget about the good times. 1549 01:05:38,734 --> 01:05:39,906 Right. 1550 01:05:41,971 --> 01:05:43,143 Right. 1551 01:05:43,306 --> 01:05:48,255 Yeah, and maybe just because the other one... 1552 01:05:48,411 --> 01:05:50,288 ...is trying to act like an adult... 1553 01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:53,154 ...and be responsible doesn't necessarily mean... 1554 01:05:53,316 --> 01:05:55,318 ...that he's being a fucking chode. 1555 01:05:55,852 --> 01:05:59,459 Maybe he's been a chode, caring more about bay windows... 1556 01:05:59,622 --> 01:06:02,068 ...and sconces than a lifetime cf friendship. 1557 01:06:04,227 --> 01:06:05,262 What do you say, guys? 1558 01:06:06,596 --> 01:06:08,598 [SOBBING] 1559 01:06:10,733 --> 01:06:12,371 - Yeah, hug it cut. - All right. 1560 01:06:13,236 --> 01:06:13,771 Hey, guys. 1561 01:06:13,936 --> 01:06:15,711 How about you cut us cut? 1562 01:06:16,005 --> 01:06:18,042 We'll go get ourselves a Christmas beer. 1563 01:06:18,207 --> 01:06:20,153 - A beer sounds great. HAROLD: Awesome. 1564 01:06:20,543 --> 01:06:21,578 [CHUCKLES] 1565 01:06:21,744 --> 01:06:22,745 GUSTAV: But first... 1566 01:06:22,912 --> 01:06:24,516 ...we have some killing to do. 1567 01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:25,351 Come on! 1568 01:06:25,515 --> 01:06:27,256 After we just had that breakthrough? 1569 01:06:27,416 --> 01:06:30,727 Sorry. Say your goodbyes. It'll all be over quick. 1570 01:06:33,055 --> 01:06:35,399 - Is this haw we die? - I think so, dude. 1571 01:06:37,093 --> 01:06:38,094 Bye, Kumar. 1572 01:06:39,162 --> 01:06:40,539 Bye, Harold. 1573 01:06:41,063 --> 01:06:42,201 WAFFLEBOT: Kumar. 1574 01:06:42,365 --> 01:06:43,571 Your waffles... 1575 01:06:43,733 --> 01:06:45,235 ...are ready. - WaffleBot? 1576 01:06:47,036 --> 01:06:49,448 These guys think pancakes are better than waffles. 1577 01:06:49,739 --> 01:06:50,911 I hate... 1578 01:06:51,073 --> 01:06:52,677 ...pancakes. 1579 01:06:56,679 --> 01:06:58,352 [GUN CLICKING] 1580 01:06:58,748 --> 01:07:00,250 They serve pancakes... 1581 01:07:00,416 --> 01:07:02,259 ...in hell. 1582 01:07:04,153 --> 01:07:04,688 [SCREAM s] 1583 01:07:04,854 --> 01:07:05,389 Och! 1584 01:07:08,457 --> 01:07:09,663 BOTH: Holy shit! 1585 01:07:09,825 --> 01:07:11,202 You hurt my brother! 1586 01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:14,133 [GROANS THEN YELLS] 1587 01:07:16,065 --> 01:07:16,736 [GRUNTS] 1588 01:07:16,899 --> 01:07:18,344 [BOTH LAUGH] 1589 01:07:18,534 --> 01:07:19,069 KUMAR: Whoo! 1590 01:07:19,235 --> 01:07:20,077 [GRUNTS] 1591 01:07:20,236 --> 01:07:22,409 - How do we get cut cf these rapes? - WaffleBot. 1592 01:07:22,572 --> 01:07:24,483 Kumar. 1593 01:07:24,941 --> 01:07:26,511 Can you untie us? 1594 01:07:26,709 --> 01:07:27,744 Battery low. 1595 01:07:27,910 --> 01:07:29,389 Losing... 1596 01:07:29,545 --> 01:07:30,683 power. 1597 01:07:30,846 --> 01:07:31,881 WaffleBot, lack at me. 1598 01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:33,118 You can do this, man. 1599 01:07:45,061 --> 01:07:47,940 - Ha, ha. - Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot. 1600 01:07:48,631 --> 01:07:50,372 You're welcome, Kumar. 1601 01:07:50,533 --> 01:07:55,778 Pancakes are fucking gay. 1602 01:07:58,374 --> 01:08:01,184 Holy Shit. That is the best Christmas toy ever. 1603 01:08:01,611 --> 01:08:03,284 HAROLD: I guess. it's extraordinarily... 1604 01:08:03,446 --> 01:08:05,790 ...unsafe, but it did save our lives. 1605 01:08:07,350 --> 01:08:08,920 - Listen, man, I-- - Man, this-- 1606 01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:11,122 - Aah! - Oh, my God. 1607 01:08:11,754 --> 01:08:13,324 Holy shit! 1608 01:08:14,023 --> 01:08:15,001 This is like that... 1609 01:08:15,157 --> 01:08:16,693 ...scene from A Christmas Story. 1610 01:08:16,859 --> 01:08:18,998 Is it like the scene from A Christmas Story? 1611 01:08:19,161 --> 01:08:20,538 I just saw this scene. 1612 01:08:20,696 --> 01:08:21,367 [HAROLD GRUNTING] 1613 01:08:21,631 --> 01:08:23,633 - Oh, fuck! - Okay, we need... 1614 01:08:23,799 --> 01:08:26,336 ...same sort cf a warm liquid. I'll spit on it. 1615 01:08:26,502 --> 01:08:28,243 Don't fucking spit on my dick! 1616 01:08:28,404 --> 01:08:29,644 Fine. Can you pee on it? 1617 01:08:29,905 --> 01:08:31,350 Give me a second. 1618 01:08:32,141 --> 01:08:34,052 -It's not working. - Fine, I'll pee on it. 1619 01:08:34,210 --> 01:08:35,280 Don't pee on me! 1620 01:08:35,444 --> 01:08:36,923 Jesus! Well, then what the hell do--? 1621 01:08:37,079 --> 01:08:39,423 - Oh. Our clothes. - Oh. 1622 01:08:39,582 --> 01:08:40,890 Cool about the clothes. 1623 01:08:41,050 --> 01:08:42,893 My dick's stuck to a pale! 1624 01:08:45,254 --> 01:08:47,757 Dude, you're in luck. There's still coffee in here. 1625 01:08:47,923 --> 01:08:49,630 Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up! 1626 01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:51,999 Okay, lock, this is scalding hat coffee. 1627 01:08:52,161 --> 01:08:55,904 Sc I'm just gonna pour a little bit on. Probably gonna sting for a second. 1628 01:08:56,065 --> 01:08:57,476 - Get it over with! - All right. 1629 01:08:57,667 --> 01:08:58,805 Just let me just-- 1630 01:08:59,535 --> 01:09:00,445 [SCREAMING] 1631 01:09:00,670 --> 01:09:01,546 - I'm sorry. - Fuck! 1632 01:09:01,704 --> 01:09:02,910 Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude! 1633 01:09:03,072 --> 01:09:04,551 Oh, God, I ruined your dick! 1634 01:09:04,707 --> 01:09:05,879 You asshole! 1635 01:09:06,042 --> 01:09:07,350 Just Walk it off. 1636 01:09:07,510 --> 01:09:09,046 Walk it off. 1637 01:09:12,982 --> 01:09:14,984 [WHISPERS] How lang are we supposed to stay in here? 1638 01:09:15,184 --> 01:09:17,824 TODD [WHISPERS]: Until that fucking Russian sociopathic... 1639 01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:19,261 ...killing machine leaves. 1640 01:09:22,825 --> 01:09:25,237 They gave my daughter ecstasy. 1641 01:09:25,461 --> 01:09:26,701 [IN RUSSIAN] 1642 01:09:26,862 --> 01:09:29,240 I don't know Russian, but he seems a little upset. 1643 01:09:29,398 --> 01:09:30,843 I'd say so. Shh, shh! 1644 01:09:31,200 --> 01:09:32,406 ADRIAN: She's crashing hard. 1645 01:09:32,568 --> 01:09:34,172 We gotta give her more blow. 1646 01:09:34,337 --> 01:09:35,611 No, no! No more cocaine! 1647 01:09:35,771 --> 01:09:36,647 I need it! 1648 01:09:36,806 --> 01:09:38,843 - There's some. - Dc not give her mare! 1649 01:09:39,008 --> 01:09:40,078 Give it to me! 1650 01:09:40,242 --> 01:09:41,312 TODD: Ava, no! No, please! 1651 01:09:41,477 --> 01:09:42,979 Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please! 1652 01:09:43,446 --> 01:09:44,618 ADRIAN: Dude, lock. 1653 01:09:44,780 --> 01:09:45,758 Oh, this is not good! 1654 01:09:45,915 --> 01:09:47,019 Oh, this is not good. 1655 01:09:47,216 --> 01:09:48,251 Oh, this is not good! 1656 01:09:48,751 --> 01:09:51,095 Ava! Scooch to Daddy! Hide behind Daddy! 1657 01:09:51,253 --> 01:09:53,460 ADRIAN: New plan. Let's bash through the door. 1658 01:09:53,622 --> 01:09:54,623 You steal his gun. 1659 01:09:54,790 --> 01:09:56,770 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! 1660 01:10:10,940 --> 01:10:11,611 [SNIFFS] 1661 01:10:14,143 --> 01:10:15,213 [GRUNTS] 1662 01:10:18,547 --> 01:10:19,252 TODD: Yah! 1663 01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:22,461 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm-- 1664 01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:25,361 I'm so sorry. Wow. 1665 01:10:25,521 --> 01:10:28,127 I thought that would knock you out, obviously. 1666 01:10:28,290 --> 01:10:29,462 Lack. We are... 1667 01:10:29,625 --> 01:10:30,899 ...two reasonable guys... 1668 01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,767 ...and... 1669 01:10:32,928 --> 01:10:34,271 [OBJECT THUMPS] 1670 01:10:35,064 --> 01:10:35,838 [THUDS] 1671 01:10:37,533 --> 01:10:40,343 These are dangerous, but, aw, it's a great workout. 1672 01:10:40,503 --> 01:10:42,483 You can really feel it. 1673 01:10:42,638 --> 01:10:45,380 Bis, pecs, this one. 1674 01:10:45,641 --> 01:10:47,211 TODD: Thank you, Adrian. 1675 01:10:47,376 --> 01:10:49,219 That was a really great team effort. 1676 01:10:49,378 --> 01:10:51,187 Who's my sidekick? You are. 1677 01:10:51,347 --> 01:10:51,950 Let's go. 1678 01:10:52,114 --> 01:10:54,993 Good girl! Let's go home! Let's go see Santa. 1679 01:10:55,418 --> 01:10:56,158 Oh, mints! 1680 01:10:58,254 --> 01:10:58,994 Mm. 1681 01:11:01,157 --> 01:11:02,659 HAROLD: Where the fuck are we? 1682 01:11:02,825 --> 01:11:05,533 Those guys weren't kidding. We're in the middle cf nowhere. 1683 01:11:07,196 --> 01:11:08,300 Dc you have any bars? 1684 01:11:08,731 --> 01:11:10,870 - I get no bars. - Shit. Nothing here. 1685 01:11:11,300 --> 01:11:12,574 Hello? 1686 01:11:14,203 --> 01:11:15,876 Anybody here? 1687 01:11:16,605 --> 01:11:17,879 Forget it. Just-- 1688 01:11:18,340 --> 01:11:19,717 Forget it. it's past 2 a.m. 1689 01:11:19,875 --> 01:11:22,719 They're home, wandering where I am, where the tree is. 1690 01:11:22,878 --> 01:11:24,050 I just-- 1691 01:11:24,847 --> 01:11:26,918 it's such a disaster, this fucking night. 1692 01:11:27,082 --> 01:11:29,062 Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude. 1693 01:11:29,218 --> 01:11:30,458 No. When Maria's dad... 1694 01:11:30,619 --> 01:11:33,122 ...was a young boy in Medellin-- - Vanessa's pregnant. 1695 01:11:33,522 --> 01:11:34,728 What? 1696 01:11:34,890 --> 01:11:37,632 She told me earlier today. My reaction was not awesome. 1697 01:11:38,461 --> 01:11:41,067 I thought weed stunted fertility. That's why I quit. 1698 01:11:41,230 --> 01:11:43,642 Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids. 1699 01:11:43,833 --> 01:11:45,938 Wait a second, that's why you quit weed? 1700 01:11:46,202 --> 01:11:47,647 Yeah, that's why I-- 1701 01:11:49,104 --> 01:11:52,574 We've been trying for like a ... For a year. 1702 01:11:52,741 --> 01:11:54,049 Oh, man. 1703 01:11:54,210 --> 01:11:56,349 Now I feel even worse about your dick. 1704 01:11:56,545 --> 01:11:57,785 I don't wanna-- 1705 01:11:57,947 --> 01:11:59,051 How do we get cut? 1706 01:12:01,717 --> 01:12:02,718 I get an idea. 1707 01:12:05,554 --> 01:12:07,090 I saw this in a movie, man. 1708 01:12:07,256 --> 01:12:09,634 Just shoot this motherfucker, people come. 1709 01:12:09,792 --> 01:12:10,793 We can find people. 1710 01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:13,270 No, it's fine. Aah! 1711 01:12:17,266 --> 01:12:17,971 Now what? 1712 01:12:18,634 --> 01:12:19,772 I don't know. 1713 01:12:20,469 --> 01:12:21,812 [MAN GROANING] 1714 01:12:23,639 --> 01:12:24,982 No fucking way. 1715 01:12:35,451 --> 01:12:36,794 Santa, can you hear me? 1716 01:12:36,952 --> 01:12:38,431 Oh, what the fuck? 1717 01:12:38,587 --> 01:12:42,091 Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident. I'm gonna take a closer lock. 1718 01:12:44,026 --> 01:12:44,663 Oh, God! 1719 01:12:44,827 --> 01:12:45,669 This isn't good. 1720 01:12:45,828 --> 01:12:47,171 Mr. Claus, can you feel... 1721 01:12:47,329 --> 01:12:47,898 ...any cf this? 1722 01:12:48,063 --> 01:12:49,167 [BOTH YELL] 1723 01:12:49,632 --> 01:12:51,134 SANTA: Just let me die, please! 1724 01:12:51,300 --> 01:12:52,677 Let me die in peace! 1725 01:12:52,835 --> 01:12:55,509 No. Nobody's dying, Claus. Not on my watch. 1726 01:12:55,671 --> 01:12:58,345 Listen to me. I need you to go into Santa's gift bag... 1727 01:12:58,507 --> 01:13:00,714 ...get as many medical supplies as you can. 1728 01:13:11,186 --> 01:13:12,290 Oh, God! 1729 01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:15,361 Aah! 1730 01:13:18,294 --> 01:13:19,739 KUMAR: Ah, there. 1731 01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:21,234 I think that'll do it. 1732 01:13:21,463 --> 01:13:22,737 How do you feel, Mr. Claus? 1733 01:13:22,932 --> 01:13:24,809 Uh, a little woozy. 1734 01:13:24,967 --> 01:13:26,571 The morphine. It'll wear off. 1735 01:13:26,735 --> 01:13:28,942 Nice. But I... 1736 01:13:29,104 --> 01:13:30,082 ...think I'm okay. 1737 01:13:30,239 --> 01:13:33,448 Lack, Santa, we're so sorry. 1738 01:13:33,609 --> 01:13:35,885 Oh, I know it wasn't your fault. 1739 01:13:36,045 --> 01:13:38,286 You two have always been good boys. 1740 01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:40,685 Tell that to my father-in-law. 1741 01:13:40,849 --> 01:13:43,659 Hey, man, I can take the blame for that, all right? 1742 01:13:43,819 --> 01:13:45,890 Listen, I'd love to stay and chat... 1743 01:13:46,055 --> 01:13:49,127 ...but I'm running a little late and I have all these... 1744 01:13:49,291 --> 01:13:51,168 ...presents to deliver. 1745 01:13:51,327 --> 01:13:53,329 So you guys need a ride or something? 1746 01:13:53,829 --> 01:13:54,967 Seriously? 1747 01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,672 KUMAR: Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome! 1748 01:13:57,833 --> 01:13:59,540 It's not not awesome! 1749 01:14:00,169 --> 01:14:01,477 On, Blitzen! Hyah! 1750 01:14:02,071 --> 01:14:03,311 [SANTA CHUCKLES] 1751 01:14:04,073 --> 01:14:05,746 [HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING] 1752 01:14:13,282 --> 01:14:14,784 [SANTA CHUCKLES] 1753 01:14:17,419 --> 01:14:18,591 Thanks for the ride. 1754 01:14:19,254 --> 01:14:20,028 I'm guessing... 1755 01:14:20,189 --> 01:14:22,362 ...you don't have a 12-fact Fraser fir? 1756 01:14:22,625 --> 01:14:24,127 Sorry. I can't help you there. 1757 01:14:24,627 --> 01:14:25,367 Besides... 1758 01:14:25,527 --> 01:14:27,029 ...I gave you your present. 1759 01:14:27,196 --> 01:14:28,869 - You did? SANTA: Yes. 1760 01:14:29,031 --> 01:14:30,271 You get my package, right? 1761 01:14:30,432 --> 01:14:31,103 The joint? 1762 01:14:31,634 --> 01:14:32,874 - That was you? SANTA: Yeah. 1763 01:14:33,035 --> 01:14:35,777 It was my little way cf bringing you bays back together. 1764 01:14:38,540 --> 01:14:39,109 Dude... 1765 01:14:39,408 --> 01:14:41,649 ...I'd really like it if you came over tomorrow. 1766 01:14:41,877 --> 01:14:43,618 Won't be a party unless you're there. 1767 01:14:43,779 --> 01:14:45,918 It's about fucking time, Roldy. 1768 01:14:46,315 --> 01:14:48,056 I wouldn't miss it, man. 1769 01:14:51,820 --> 01:14:54,562 By the way, for what it's worth... 1770 01:14:55,024 --> 01:14:56,401 ...you'd make a great dad. 1771 01:14:57,893 --> 01:14:58,667 SANTA: Well, I guess... 1772 01:14:58,827 --> 01:15:01,034 ...this is goodbye, Roldy. Be a good bay... 1773 01:15:01,196 --> 01:15:02,106 ...next year. 1774 01:15:02,264 --> 01:15:03,265 All right. 1775 01:15:03,432 --> 01:15:06,470 No more jerking off into a sack filled with baby powder. 1776 01:15:06,802 --> 01:15:09,476 .L.. SANTA: Ha, ha. Don't worry. 1777 01:15:09,638 --> 01:15:11,242 I'm just teasing you. 1778 01:15:11,407 --> 01:15:12,750 I do it too. 1779 01:15:12,908 --> 01:15:13,579 [LAUGHS] 1780 01:15:16,245 --> 01:15:21,160 On, Prancer! On, Comet! On, Blitzen! Hyah! 1781 01:15:21,950 --> 01:15:22,894 1782 01:15:23,786 --> 01:15:25,766 Merry Christmas, Roldy! 1783 01:15:37,066 --> 01:15:38,204 MR. PEREZ: Where's the tree? 1784 01:15:44,373 --> 01:15:45,113 It's, um ... 1785 01:15:45,774 --> 01:15:47,879 Okay, what happened is that, um ... 1786 01:15:48,811 --> 01:15:50,188 You said you were going to... 1787 01:15:50,345 --> 01:15:52,951 ...take care cf it. Now where's the tree? 1788 01:15:53,115 --> 01:15:55,618 What happened to the tree is, uh... 1789 01:15:56,585 --> 01:15:58,030 ...I kind cf burned it dawn. 1790 01:16:00,022 --> 01:16:01,865 That tree was a Perez... 1791 01:16:02,024 --> 01:16:03,697 ...family tradition. 1792 01:16:03,859 --> 01:16:05,805 You ruined Christmas! 1793 01:16:06,095 --> 01:16:08,234 Ha, ha. I ruined your--? 1794 01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:09,899 You ruined my Christmas, man! 1795 01:16:10,365 --> 01:16:12,675 Heh, heh. Dc you know what happened? 1796 01:16:12,835 --> 01:16:16,510 Uh, I inadvertently introduced a baby to cocaine. 1797 01:16:16,672 --> 01:16:20,210 I was almost burned alive by Ukrainian gangsters. 1798 01:16:20,375 --> 01:16:21,911 I was drugged by... 1799 01:16:22,077 --> 01:16:25,251 ...asshole teenagers. Then I danced in a Christmas extravaganza. 1800 01:16:25,414 --> 01:16:27,360 And I'm a terrible dancer. 1801 01:16:27,516 --> 01:16:29,052 I almost had my dick ripped off. 1802 01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:30,590 And then I shot... 1803 01:16:30,753 --> 01:16:34,530 ...Santa Claus in the fucking face. He's real, and I shot him in the face. 1804 01:16:34,690 --> 01:16:35,430 Why? 1805 01:16:36,525 --> 01:16:37,731 Because I wanted you... 1806 01:16:37,893 --> 01:16:40,567 ...to have a perfect fucking Christmas. 1807 01:16:40,996 --> 01:16:42,498 Now, here's a newsflash: 1808 01:16:42,664 --> 01:16:44,644 This is my house. 1809 01:16:44,800 --> 01:16:46,871 Maria is my wife. 1810 01:16:47,035 --> 01:16:50,016 And if you want to be in our family... 1811 01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:52,843 ...you best show me some fucking respect. 1812 01:16:55,511 --> 01:16:56,751 Is that too much? 1813 01:16:59,281 --> 01:17:00,282 I like it. 1814 01:17:00,449 --> 01:17:01,860 - Really? - Lack. 1815 01:17:02,217 --> 01:17:04,288 I always knew you were a nice guy. 1816 01:17:04,553 --> 01:17:06,931 But that's not enough to be with my Maria. 1817 01:17:07,089 --> 01:17:08,432 I didn't want her to be... 1818 01:17:08,590 --> 01:17:10,228 ...with some wimpy pussy. 1819 01:17:11,226 --> 01:17:12,170 But you ... 1820 01:17:12,327 --> 01:17:14,170 You showed me you get cojones. 1821 01:17:14,329 --> 01:17:15,239 Testicles, right? 1822 01:17:16,565 --> 01:17:17,543 Rosetta Stone. 1823 01:17:18,867 --> 01:17:20,403 - You know what? - What's that? 1824 01:17:20,803 --> 01:17:22,282 This coming Easter... 1825 01:17:23,739 --> 01:17:25,480 ...you guys came to my house. 1826 01:17:25,674 --> 01:17:28,883 That would really be great. Thank you, Carlos. 1827 01:17:29,044 --> 01:17:29,749 Mr. Perez. 1828 01:17:29,912 --> 01:17:30,982 Mr. Perez. 1829 01:17:31,146 --> 01:17:32,147 [GULPS] 1830 01:17:44,459 --> 01:17:45,631 KUMAR: Fuck! 1831 01:17:46,695 --> 01:17:47,298 Kumar! 1832 01:17:47,462 --> 01:17:48,440 Jesus! 1833 01:17:48,597 --> 01:17:52,909 I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell but I didn't want to wake your parents. 1834 01:17:53,068 --> 01:17:55,344 What--? What are you doing? You can't just-- 1835 01:17:55,504 --> 01:17:56,847 Hold on. There's something... 1836 01:17:57,005 --> 01:17:58,416 ...I need to say to you, okay? 1837 01:17:58,574 --> 01:18:01,987 When you told me you were pregnant, I admit I was scared as shit. 1838 01:18:02,511 --> 01:18:04,821 The more I think about it, the more excited I am. 1839 01:18:05,280 --> 01:18:06,816 I mean, I love kids. 1840 01:18:07,216 --> 01:18:08,752 That's because you are a kid. 1841 01:18:08,917 --> 01:18:12,694 I know. But ... Lack, if you give me another chance... 1842 01:18:12,855 --> 01:18:17,361 ...I promise you I will go back to the medical board, I'll get my job back. 1843 01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:19,199 I'll even quit weed if I have to. 1844 01:18:19,361 --> 01:18:20,601 You'd quit weed? 1845 01:18:20,762 --> 01:18:23,368 Of course. I would do anything for you. 1846 01:18:23,532 --> 01:18:26,342 When I saw what Harold did for his family tonight... 1847 01:18:26,501 --> 01:18:28,811 ...it made me realize haw important you are to me. 1848 01:18:28,971 --> 01:18:31,474 I wish I would've realized that sooner. 1849 01:18:31,840 --> 01:18:33,319 You don't have to do this. 1850 01:18:34,276 --> 01:18:36,017 I know I don't have to. 1851 01:18:36,845 --> 01:18:38,188 I want to. 1852 01:18:43,952 --> 01:18:45,022 Dc me a favor. 1853 01:18:45,187 --> 01:18:46,291 Yeah, anything. 1854 01:18:48,790 --> 01:18:50,133 Don't quit weed. 1855 01:18:50,292 --> 01:18:51,566 What? 1856 01:18:51,760 --> 01:18:54,570 Just remember, next time you take a drug test... 1857 01:18:54,763 --> 01:18:55,901 ...use my pee. 1858 01:18:56,899 --> 01:18:58,037 I love you. 1859 01:18:58,500 --> 01:18:59,808 I love you too. 1860 01:19:04,473 --> 01:19:06,919 Let's have some sex before you get all fat on me. 1861 01:19:07,075 --> 01:19:08,281 [VANESSA CHUCKLING] 1862 01:19:22,024 --> 01:19:23,833 MARIA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 1863 01:19:23,992 --> 01:19:25,938 Harold! Wake up! Baby. 1864 01:19:27,429 --> 01:19:29,602 -It's pink. - Oh, my God. 1865 01:19:29,798 --> 01:19:31,937 -It's pink. -It's a miracle. 1866 01:19:32,701 --> 01:19:33,736 It's a miracle. 1867 01:19:33,902 --> 01:19:34,937 [MR. PEREZ SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 1868 01:19:35,103 --> 01:19:36,207 MR. PEREZ: it's a miracle! 1869 01:19:36,371 --> 01:19:37,611 It's a miracle! 1870 01:19:38,073 --> 01:19:40,713 Isn't this the most beautiful tree you've ever seen? 1871 01:19:41,176 --> 01:19:43,247 I came downstairs this morning... 1872 01:19:43,412 --> 01:19:44,891 ...and here she was. 1873 01:19:49,184 --> 01:19:50,390 God bless us, everyone! 1874 01:19:51,086 --> 01:19:52,656 [ALL GASP] 1875 01:19:54,523 --> 01:19:56,833 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1876 01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:12,110 Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas! 1877 01:21:12,267 --> 01:21:13,940 [LAUGHS] 1878 01:29:34,602 --> 01:29:36,604 [English - us - SDH] 131358