Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:33,427 --> 00:00:37,365
It has been said that magic
vanished from our world
2
00:00:37,390 --> 00:00:38,725
a long time ago,
3
00:00:38,892 --> 00:00:42,829
and that humanity can
no longer fulfill its desires
4
00:00:42,853 --> 00:00:44,898
through the power of wishes.
5
00:00:45,064 --> 00:00:49,067
To those who have lost the
wondrous vision of childhood eyes,
6
00:00:49,194 --> 00:00:53,046
submitted here is
the story of a little boy
7
00:00:53,072 --> 00:00:55,549
and a magical
Christmas wish
8
00:00:55,575 --> 00:00:58,619
that changed
his life forever.
9
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:06,210
It began in 1985,
in a town just outside Boston.
10
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:12,400
It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits.
11
00:01:12,424 --> 00:01:14,569
That special time of year
12
00:01:14,593 --> 00:01:16,846
when Boston children
gather together
13
00:01:17,013 --> 00:01:18,765
and beat up the Jewish kids.
14
00:01:18,890 --> 00:01:20,057
Hey, Greenbaum!
15
00:01:21,683 --> 00:01:24,078
It's Jesus' birthday
tomorrow,
16
00:01:24,103 --> 00:01:25,563
and you know what
I'm gonna get him?
17
00:01:25,730 --> 00:01:26,789
What?
18
00:01:26,813 --> 00:01:28,775
My fist in your
fucking face!
19
00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:30,734
Why would Jesus want that?
20
00:01:30,859 --> 00:01:31,861
Get him!
21
00:01:36,115 --> 00:01:39,885
But there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits.
22
00:01:39,911 --> 00:01:41,621
Little John Bennett,
23
00:01:41,746 --> 00:01:43,932
that one boy in
every neighborhood
24
00:01:43,956 --> 00:01:46,709
who just has a tough time
making friends.
25
00:01:47,085 --> 00:01:48,686
Hey, guys, can I play?
26
00:01:48,710 --> 00:01:49,896
Get out of here, Bennett.
27
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,021
Get lost, Bennett!
28
00:01:51,046 --> 00:01:52,064
Get out of here, Bennett!
29
00:01:52,090 --> 00:01:53,591
Yeah, Bennett,
get lost.
30
00:01:56,718 --> 00:01:59,155
John longed
with all his heart
31
00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:02,391
for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.
32
00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:06,745
And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,
33
00:02:06,771 --> 00:02:08,814
he would never let him go.
34
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:15,612
Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning finally came.
35
00:02:15,947 --> 00:02:19,950
All the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee.
36
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,519
And for little John Bennett,
37
00:02:29,544 --> 00:02:34,132
Christmas Day brought a
very special new arrival.
38
00:02:41,097 --> 00:02:43,807
I guess Santa paid attention to
how good you were this year, huh?
39
00:02:44,091 --> 00:02:45,909
Merry Christmas, John.
40
00:02:46,894 --> 00:02:48,021
I love you!
41
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:50,022
He talks!
42
00:02:51,524 --> 00:02:53,776
I'm going to
name you Teddy.
43
00:02:55,902 --> 00:02:59,632
John became
instantly attached to Teddy.
44
00:02:59,656 --> 00:03:02,259
There was something
about that bear
45
00:03:02,284 --> 00:03:05,805
that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend
46
00:03:05,830 --> 00:03:09,266
with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.
47
00:03:09,292 --> 00:03:10,710
I love you!
48
00:03:11,336 --> 00:03:13,337
I love you, too, Teddy.
49
00:03:14,171 --> 00:03:17,966
You know, I wish you
could really talk to me.
50
00:03:18,134 --> 00:03:22,305
Because then, we could be best
friends forever and ever.
51
00:03:23,306 --> 00:03:26,450
Now, if there's one thing
you can be sure of,
52
00:03:26,475 --> 00:03:31,229
it's that nothing is more
powerful than a young boy's wish.
53
00:03:31,813 --> 00:03:34,000
Except an Apache helicopter.
54
00:03:34,025 --> 00:03:37,586
An Apache helicopter has
machine guns and missiles.
55
00:03:37,611 --> 00:03:41,341
It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,
56
00:03:41,365 --> 00:03:44,326
an absolute death machine.
57
00:03:45,203 --> 00:03:47,013
Well, as it turned out,
58
00:03:47,038 --> 00:03:50,500
John picked the perfect
night to make a wish.
59
00:04:28,161 --> 00:04:29,372
Teddy?
60
00:04:33,209 --> 00:04:34,502
Teddy?
61
00:04:38,965 --> 00:04:40,048
Teddy?
62
00:04:48,473 --> 00:04:49,558
Hug me.
63
00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:52,978
You're my best friend,
John.
64
00:04:53,271 --> 00:04:55,872
Did you...
Did you just talk?
65
00:04:55,898 --> 00:04:57,417
Don't look so surprised.
66
00:04:57,442 --> 00:04:59,526
You're the one who
wished for it, aren't you?
67
00:05:00,278 --> 00:05:03,738
Yeah.
I did wish for it.
68
00:05:04,031 --> 00:05:05,757
Well, here I am.
69
00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:08,886
You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?
70
00:05:08,911 --> 00:05:10,245
For real.
71
00:05:10,454 --> 00:05:11,706
Forever and ever?
72
00:05:11,997 --> 00:05:13,290
Sounds good to me.
73
00:05:14,959 --> 00:05:18,312
John was just about the
happiest boy in the world
74
00:05:18,336 --> 00:05:21,841
and he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.
75
00:05:22,175 --> 00:05:25,319
Well, I think we've had a
wonderful Christmas this year.
76
00:05:25,343 --> 00:05:26,778
One of the best.
77
00:05:26,803 --> 00:05:29,781
And I particularly enjoyed
the gift you gave me last night.
78
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,601
Well, my big strong husband
works so hard all year.
79
00:05:32,726 --> 00:05:34,978
I figured you deserved
a little Christmas treat.
80
00:05:35,812 --> 00:05:37,481
I'd call it more
than a little treat.
81
00:05:38,774 --> 00:05:41,502
I think those veneers just make
it a smoother ride for me.
82
00:05:41,526 --> 00:05:43,196
Well, that's
how much I love you.
83
00:05:43,321 --> 00:05:46,574
Seriously though, that was
an outstanding blowjob.
84
00:05:46,699 --> 00:05:49,576
Mom, Dad, guess what?
My teddy bear's alive!
85
00:05:50,702 --> 00:05:52,538
Really?
Well, isn't that exciting.
86
00:05:52,704 --> 00:05:55,124
No, Mom, he's really alive.
Look.
87
00:05:55,832 --> 00:05:57,668
Merry Christmas,
everybody.
88
00:05:59,377 --> 00:06:00,504
Jesus H. Fuck!
89
00:06:00,754 --> 00:06:02,273
Let's all be best friends.
90
00:06:02,298 --> 00:06:03,357
Oh, my God!
91
00:06:03,382 --> 00:06:05,442
John, get away from that thing.
Get over here right now.
92
00:06:05,468 --> 00:06:06,968
- But, Dad...
- Get over here!
93
00:06:07,261 --> 00:06:08,653
- Listen to your father!
- Come here!
94
00:06:08,678 --> 00:06:10,615
Helen, get my gun.
Dad, no!
95
00:06:10,639 --> 00:06:11,865
Is it a hugging gun?
96
00:06:11,891 --> 00:06:13,475
Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!
97
00:06:13,725 --> 00:06:14,994
I'm sorry,
Mr. Bennett,
98
00:06:15,019 --> 00:06:16,836
I didn't mean
to scare anybody.
99
00:06:16,978 --> 00:06:19,122
I just wanted John
and I to be friends.
100
00:06:19,148 --> 00:06:22,668
Yeah, Dad, I made a wish
last night that Teddy was alive
101
00:06:22,692 --> 00:06:23,985
and my wish came true.
102
00:06:25,737 --> 00:06:27,447
Oh, my God!
103
00:06:28,699 --> 00:06:30,326
It's a miracle.
104
00:06:31,201 --> 00:06:33,788
It's a Christmas miracle.
105
00:06:34,538 --> 00:06:37,124
You're just like
the Baby Jesus.
106
00:06:37,707 --> 00:06:41,853
Well, it wasn't long before the
story of John's little miracle
107
00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,588
was sweeping the nation.
108
00:06:43,755 --> 00:06:45,066
Out of a Boston suburb
109
00:06:45,091 --> 00:06:47,884
comes what is, without a doubt,
the most incredible story...
110
00:06:48,052 --> 00:06:49,903
A young boy's stuffed animal
111
00:06:49,928 --> 00:06:52,555
has magically come to life for,
as yet, unknown reasons...
112
00:06:52,723 --> 00:06:57,353
Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!
113
00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:12,550
Before long, Teddy had
become a huge celebrity
114
00:07:12,576 --> 00:07:13,911
in his own right.
115
00:07:19,165 --> 00:07:20,334
Hello, Teddy.
116
00:07:24,422 --> 00:07:27,257
You... You are a...
You surprise me.
117
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:30,194
For some reason I thought you
were going to be taller.
118
00:07:30,218 --> 00:07:32,637
I thought you were
going to be funnier.
119
00:07:40,146 --> 00:07:42,790
You... What are your
favorite television shows?
120
00:07:42,814 --> 00:07:44,834
Um, I like
Gimme a Break...
121
00:07:44,858 --> 00:07:46,252
Dad.
I want a teddy bear.
122
00:07:46,276 --> 00:07:49,754
Hey! What did Daddy just get you
for your birthday, huh?
123
00:07:49,779 --> 00:07:51,590
- A rake.
- That's right.
124
00:07:51,615 --> 00:07:54,093
An excellent rake.
A birthday rake.
125
00:07:54,117 --> 00:07:55,108
So when you
clean the yard,
126
00:07:55,132 --> 00:07:57,221
you don't have to pick up
the leaves with your hands.
127
00:07:57,245 --> 00:07:59,290
But, Dad.
I want the bear on TV.
128
00:07:59,415 --> 00:08:00,891
Donny.
Shut up, will ya?
129
00:08:00,916 --> 00:08:03,101
Daddy's making love
to New Mommy.
130
00:08:03,127 --> 00:08:03,843
But, Daddy!
131
00:08:04,069 --> 00:08:05,137
Go to your hammock!
132
00:08:05,420 --> 00:08:06,755
Do you ever
watch this show?
133
00:08:08,132 --> 00:08:09,716
Yeah. When Leno
guest hosts.
134
00:08:14,721 --> 00:08:17,115
But through all the fame,
135
00:08:17,141 --> 00:08:21,187
Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.
136
00:08:21,312 --> 00:08:23,997
The thunder can't get us,
right?
137
00:08:24,023 --> 00:08:27,752
Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.
138
00:08:27,776 --> 00:08:29,362
We're totally safe.
139
00:08:30,278 --> 00:08:31,279
Teddy?
140
00:08:31,613 --> 00:08:32,615
Yeah, John?
141
00:08:32,782 --> 00:08:35,368
Do you promise we'll
always be together?
142
00:08:35,993 --> 00:08:37,411
I promise.
143
00:08:39,996 --> 00:08:42,332
Thunder buddies for life.
144
00:08:42,875 --> 00:08:45,461
Thunder buddies for life.
145
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:51,884
And that was a promise that
neither one of them ever forgot.
146
00:08:52,842 --> 00:08:55,988
So, where are
John and Teddy today?
147
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,157
Well, let me
put it this way.
148
00:08:58,182 --> 00:09:01,451
No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,
149
00:09:01,476 --> 00:09:05,456
whether you're Corey Feldman,
Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,
150
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,375
or a talking teddy bear,
151
00:09:07,399 --> 00:09:10,027
eventually,
nobody gives a shit.
152
00:11:43,556 --> 00:11:45,349
Do I dare look
at the clock?
153
00:11:45,724 --> 00:11:49,537
Look, all I'm saying is that
Boston women are, on the whole,
154
00:11:49,562 --> 00:11:52,940
a paler, uglier sort than women
from the elsewheres of life.
155
00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:54,750
That's bullshit. What about Lori?
She's hot.
156
00:11:54,774 --> 00:11:56,860
No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.
157
00:11:56,985 --> 00:11:58,028
They're not that bad.
158
00:11:58,195 --> 00:12:00,505
See, the fact that you have
to say they're not that bad
159
00:12:00,530 --> 00:12:01,865
means that
they are that bad.
160
00:12:02,157 --> 00:12:04,301
Did you ever hear
a Boston girl have an orgasm?
161
00:12:04,326 --> 00:12:08,721
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!
162
00:12:08,746 --> 00:12:10,724
Oh, God,
that was so good!
163
00:12:10,749 --> 00:12:13,961
Now I'm going to stuff my fucking
face with Pepperidge Farm!
164
00:12:16,672 --> 00:12:18,756
Jesus, this is weak.
165
00:12:18,923 --> 00:12:20,500
It's not even
getting me high.
166
00:12:20,726 --> 00:12:22,385
I got to have a talk
with my weed guy.
167
00:12:22,510 --> 00:12:23,571
It's working for me.
168
00:12:23,596 --> 00:12:25,239
I think it sucks. I'm going
to have a talk with him.
169
00:12:25,264 --> 00:12:27,575
I don't know that you want to go
to a drug dealer with complaints.
170
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,577
No. I know this guy a long time.
I've known him since 9/11.
171
00:12:30,602 --> 00:12:31,270
You remember?
172
00:12:31,296 --> 00:12:33,496
I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11.
I got to get high."
173
00:12:33,563 --> 00:12:35,106
- Is it 9:30?
- Yeah.
174
00:12:35,231 --> 00:12:36,774
Shit, I got to
get to work!
175
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,568
I don't know
if I can drive!
176
00:12:38,818 --> 00:12:40,863
It's okay, I'll drive you.
I feel fine.
177
00:13:03,594 --> 00:13:04,427
Fuck!
178
00:13:04,553 --> 00:13:05,520
Shit.
179
00:13:05,678 --> 00:13:06,721
Oh, man!
180
00:13:06,889 --> 00:13:08,255
Johnny,
I'm sorry, man.
181
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,491
That car just came
out of nowhere.
182
00:13:10,517 --> 00:13:11,934
God, is it bad?
183
00:13:13,019 --> 00:13:14,062
Oh, man!
184
00:13:14,605 --> 00:13:15,399
John!
185
00:13:15,423 --> 00:13:17,832
May I speak with you,
please?
186
00:13:17,857 --> 00:13:18,917
Shit.
187
00:13:18,942 --> 00:13:19,693
It's all right,
go, go, go.
188
00:13:19,719 --> 00:13:20,418
I'll pull out of here.
189
00:13:20,443 --> 00:13:21,653
Hi, Thomas,
how are you?
190
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:36,559
Asshole!
191
00:13:36,585 --> 00:13:39,046
That's my bad.
I was sending a tweet.
192
00:13:41,090 --> 00:13:43,417
John,
it's almost 10:00.
193
00:13:43,926 --> 00:13:44,994
I know, sir, I'm sorry.
194
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,094
It wasn't my fault.
195
00:13:46,886 --> 00:13:48,071
What do you mean?
196
00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:54,644
I guess I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.
197
00:13:55,562 --> 00:13:58,206
John, all you got to do
is not fuck up
198
00:13:58,231 --> 00:14:00,793
and you get my job when I
go to corporate next month.
199
00:14:00,817 --> 00:14:02,543
You're the new
branch manager.
200
00:14:02,568 --> 00:14:04,629
All you've got to do
is not fuck up.
201
00:14:04,654 --> 00:14:06,155
- I realize that.
- Good.
202
00:14:06,532 --> 00:14:08,200
Glad to hear it.
203
00:14:08,325 --> 00:14:12,096
Because in a month,
my life could be your life.
204
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,139
A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager
205
00:14:15,164 --> 00:14:18,309
who's personal friends
with Tom Skerritt.
206
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:19,961
Not a bad life,
is it?
207
00:14:20,504 --> 00:14:21,672
No.
208
00:14:22,505 --> 00:14:25,049
I'm going to show you something
that I don't like to show people
209
00:14:25,075 --> 00:14:27,827
because I don't want them
treating me differently.
210
00:14:30,346 --> 00:14:32,432
Boom.
That's me and Skerritt.
211
00:14:33,808 --> 00:14:35,436
Goddamn right, "Wow."
212
00:14:35,894 --> 00:14:37,495
I'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car
213
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,187
and for showing up
late today, all right?
214
00:14:39,355 --> 00:14:41,290
Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.
215
00:14:41,316 --> 00:14:43,000
I will, sir,
I promise.
216
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:46,219
I'm not going to
let you down, Goose.
217
00:14:46,547 --> 00:14:47,548
What?
218
00:14:48,115 --> 00:14:49,216
Top Gun.
219
00:14:49,783 --> 00:14:50,826
So?
220
00:14:51,534 --> 00:14:52,536
Tom Skerritt.
221
00:14:53,412 --> 00:14:54,663
I know that.
222
00:14:54,955 --> 00:14:56,653
I don't think of him
as an actor anymore.
223
00:14:56,677 --> 00:14:57,682
He's just, like,
a guy.
224
00:14:57,707 --> 00:14:58,543
Like, we work...
225
00:14:58,567 --> 00:15:00,686
We worked on my garage
two months ago.
226
00:15:00,711 --> 00:15:01,727
Helped me hang
a garage door.
227
00:15:01,753 --> 00:15:03,355
You ever hang a garage
door with Tom Skerritt?
228
00:15:03,379 --> 00:15:05,131
- No.
- No.
229
00:15:05,423 --> 00:15:09,427
You ever go miniature golfing with
Tom Skerritt's wife and her kid?
230
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,554
No. You haven't.
231
00:15:12,472 --> 00:15:14,950
Do you ever watch
a Bulls game,
232
00:15:14,975 --> 00:15:16,951
Chicago Bulls game
in Chicago with Tom Skerritt?
233
00:15:16,976 --> 00:15:17,977
- No.
- No.
234
00:15:18,312 --> 00:15:19,518
You haven't.
235
00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:20,746
All right!?
236
00:15:20,938 --> 00:15:25,067
Liberty, fast track,
Skerritt, John.
237
00:15:25,235 --> 00:15:27,070
Thank you, sir.
238
00:15:27,528 --> 00:15:29,965
All right, here's your keys,
your rental agreement,
239
00:15:29,990 --> 00:15:31,700
complimentary
map of Boston.
240
00:15:31,991 --> 00:15:34,385
Thank you for choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.
241
00:15:34,411 --> 00:15:36,120
- Thanks.
- Thanks so much.
242
00:15:37,706 --> 00:15:39,040
I heard you got busted.
243
00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:41,508
Jesus, Guy,
you look like shit, man.
244
00:15:41,533 --> 00:15:42,232
What happened?
245
00:15:42,418 --> 00:15:45,480
I don't know,
I got fucking wasted last night.
246
00:15:45,505 --> 00:15:47,748
My phone says I texted
someone at 3:15,
247
00:15:47,773 --> 00:15:49,283
asking them
to beat me up.
248
00:15:49,676 --> 00:15:53,388
And then, at 4:30, I texted the
same person saying, "Thanks."
249
00:15:53,596 --> 00:15:54,681
And you don't remember it?
250
00:15:54,806 --> 00:15:55,974
No, same as last time.
251
00:15:56,350 --> 00:15:58,226
It just seems kind of gay,
doesn't it?
252
00:15:58,726 --> 00:16:00,287
I don't know.
Maybe, yeah.
253
00:16:00,312 --> 00:16:02,788
Well, do you think you're part
of some gay beat-up underworld?
254
00:16:02,813 --> 00:16:04,816
Like one of those gay
beat-up clubs or something?
255
00:16:05,107 --> 00:16:06,710
I don't know.
I dig chicks, man.
256
00:16:06,735 --> 00:16:08,711
I don't remember any of it.
I was so fucked up.
257
00:16:08,736 --> 00:16:09,922
I might be gay,
I don't know.
258
00:16:09,947 --> 00:16:11,590
Do you mind covering
for me for a bit?
259
00:16:11,615 --> 00:16:13,158
I might go lay down
in the john.
260
00:16:13,325 --> 00:16:14,884
Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?
261
00:16:14,909 --> 00:16:15,527
Hey, Alix,
what's up?
262
00:16:15,552 --> 00:16:16,519
You get in the
club last night?
263
00:16:16,702 --> 00:16:20,182
I didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.
264
00:16:20,206 --> 00:16:21,582
But I made friends
in the line.
265
00:16:21,792 --> 00:16:23,018
That's good,
I guess.
266
00:16:23,043 --> 00:16:25,528
Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,
267
00:16:25,553 --> 00:16:26,812
like something
where they give out
268
00:16:26,837 --> 00:16:28,330
free bubblegum
in the bathrooms?
269
00:16:28,356 --> 00:16:29,357
For what?
270
00:16:29,383 --> 00:16:30,900
Lori and I have been dating
4 years tomorrow.
271
00:16:30,926 --> 00:16:32,594
I want to take her
someplace really nice.
272
00:16:32,918 --> 00:16:34,388
Congratulations, John.
273
00:16:34,513 --> 00:16:36,304
You guys have been
going out for 4 years?
274
00:16:36,431 --> 00:16:38,408
My longest relationship
was like 6 months
275
00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:39,951
and then she farted
in her sleep.
276
00:16:39,976 --> 00:16:41,418
I'm like,
"I'm out of here, man."
277
00:16:41,442 --> 00:16:42,754
I was gone
before she woke up.
278
00:16:43,105 --> 00:16:44,940
You're not
very tolerant, huh?
279
00:16:45,274 --> 00:16:46,500
Lori ever fart
in front of you?
280
00:16:46,524 --> 00:16:47,567
Yeah.
281
00:16:48,652 --> 00:16:50,636
- Really?
- Yeah, many times.
282
00:16:51,363 --> 00:16:53,514
- You Italian?
- No.
283
00:16:54,533 --> 00:16:55,576
Why?
284
00:16:56,118 --> 00:16:57,661
Never mind.
Take her to Benihana.
285
00:16:57,827 --> 00:16:59,763
John, look,
don't you think after 4 years
286
00:16:59,788 --> 00:17:01,974
maybe she's hoping for
something more than dinner?
287
00:17:01,999 --> 00:17:03,140
Like what?
288
00:17:03,166 --> 00:17:07,170
I don't know, but if it were me,
I'd be expecting a proposal.
289
00:17:07,546 --> 00:17:09,855
Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.
290
00:17:09,881 --> 00:17:11,258
I mean,
marriage isn't...
291
00:17:12,467 --> 00:17:13,386
Isn't love enough?
292
00:17:13,412 --> 00:17:14,994
I submit that love
is enough.
293
00:17:15,304 --> 00:17:18,140
You can put the ring in her ass,
let her fart it out.
294
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,941
So bad,
but so good.
295
00:17:29,108 --> 00:17:30,986
Yeah. It's a study
in contrasts.
296
00:17:31,361 --> 00:17:33,822
Oh,
I love this part right here.
297
00:17:34,030 --> 00:17:36,365
He's for every one of us!
298
00:17:36,907 --> 00:17:38,743
Stands for everyone of us!
299
00:17:38,868 --> 00:17:40,679
He'll save with a mighty hand
300
00:17:40,703 --> 00:17:42,644
Every man,
every woman, every child
301
00:17:42,671 --> 00:17:43,723
With a mighty flash!
302
00:17:43,749 --> 00:17:45,976
Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Flash! Oh, my God.
303
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,560
Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,
304
00:17:47,586 --> 00:17:48,894
you and I got to
nail down a plan
305
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,422
for the Bruins game
tomorrow night.
306
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:52,773
No, I can't.
I'm taking Lori to dinner.
307
00:17:52,798 --> 00:17:53,858
For what?
308
00:17:53,884 --> 00:17:55,902
Well, we've been dating
4 years tomorrow.
309
00:17:55,926 --> 00:17:57,346
Oh, fuck me.
Nice.
310
00:17:57,762 --> 00:17:59,405
Let me ask you something.
311
00:17:59,431 --> 00:18:01,369
You don't think she's
going to be expecting
312
00:18:01,395 --> 00:18:02,409
something big, do you?
313
00:18:02,459 --> 00:18:03,617
What, like anal?
314
00:18:03,643 --> 00:18:06,771
No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.
315
00:18:06,896 --> 00:18:07,746
Oh, fuck that!
316
00:18:07,770 --> 00:18:09,624
It's been 4 years,
Johnny.
317
00:18:09,648 --> 00:18:11,542
You and me have been
together for 27 years.
318
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:12,675
Where's my ring?
319
00:18:12,801 --> 00:18:14,445
Where's my ring,
asshole?
320
00:18:14,570 --> 00:18:15,796
Where's my ring,
motherfucker?
321
00:18:15,820 --> 00:18:16,506
Stop it. Come on!
322
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,924
Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!
323
00:18:18,950 --> 00:18:19,992
All right,
knock it off!
324
00:18:20,201 --> 00:18:21,428
All right,
I'm just saying.
325
00:18:21,452 --> 00:18:24,388
But do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?
326
00:18:24,413 --> 00:18:25,644
No,
I don't think she is.
327
00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,733
And, not only that,
it's the wrong time.
328
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:28,953
It's a terrible idea.
329
00:18:28,979 --> 00:18:30,311
I mean,
you got the economy.
330
00:18:30,336 --> 00:18:32,396
You got the credit bubble,
the Supreme Court.
331
00:18:32,422 --> 00:18:33,464
I mean,
look at Haiti.
332
00:18:33,839 --> 00:18:35,650
I guess I didn't
think about that.
333
00:18:35,674 --> 00:18:36,522
Well, that's...
334
00:18:36,648 --> 00:18:37,551
It's a factor.
335
00:18:37,927 --> 00:18:39,011
Who are you?
336
00:18:39,261 --> 00:18:42,641
Flash Gordon. Quarterback,
New York Jets.
337
00:18:43,016 --> 00:18:45,242
This is the American fantasy,
right here.
338
00:18:45,268 --> 00:18:49,163
A professional NFL player
is called upon to save the world.
339
00:18:49,189 --> 00:18:50,210
Tom Brady could do that.
340
00:18:50,435 --> 00:18:51,435
Tom Brady could do that!
341
00:18:52,526 --> 00:18:54,169
- Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.
342
00:18:54,193 --> 00:18:55,252
Hey, Lori.
343
00:18:55,278 --> 00:18:57,029
- Hi.
- Hi.
344
00:18:57,239 --> 00:18:58,339
What do you got there?
345
00:18:58,365 --> 00:18:59,465
Turkey burgers.
346
00:18:59,490 --> 00:19:00,592
Turkey burgers.
347
00:19:00,616 --> 00:19:03,244
Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?
348
00:19:03,869 --> 00:19:05,497
No, just you homos.
349
00:19:07,415 --> 00:19:10,602
You kind of just reworded
my joke, but, uh...
350
00:19:10,626 --> 00:19:11,627
How was work?
351
00:19:11,752 --> 00:19:12,979
It was fine.
352
00:19:13,003 --> 00:19:14,381
How's your dickhead boss?
353
00:19:14,798 --> 00:19:15,856
Rex is fine.
354
00:19:15,882 --> 00:19:17,412
He only hit on me
once today,
355
00:19:17,436 --> 00:19:18,701
so,
it's a good thing.
356
00:19:18,926 --> 00:19:20,528
Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer?
357
00:19:20,554 --> 00:19:21,988
A couple of
Charles Brew-kowskis?
358
00:19:22,012 --> 00:19:23,865
Couple of
Brew-stoyevskis?
359
00:19:23,890 --> 00:19:25,909
Maybe a
Mike Brew-gaslowski?
360
00:19:25,933 --> 00:19:27,451
Perhaps a
Tedy Brew-ski?
361
00:19:27,477 --> 00:19:28,537
That's a good one.
362
00:19:28,561 --> 00:19:31,998
You know what, I think I, too,
want a Martina Navrati-brewski.
363
00:19:32,022 --> 00:19:33,165
No, that doesn't work.
364
00:19:33,191 --> 00:19:34,233
Don't ruin it. No.
365
00:19:34,442 --> 00:19:35,751
Bullshit!
That totally works.
366
00:19:35,777 --> 00:19:36,836
No, no.
367
00:19:36,862 --> 00:19:38,296
- Yeah, it does.
- It doesn't work.
368
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,713
The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it
369
00:19:39,739 --> 00:19:40,660
and you just put
"brewski"
370
00:19:40,684 --> 00:19:42,217
at the end of
"Martina Navratilova," so...
371
00:19:42,241 --> 00:19:44,035
I just thought we were
saying funny names.
372
00:19:44,201 --> 00:19:46,430
No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.
373
00:19:46,454 --> 00:19:47,806
Otherwise,
where's the challenge?
374
00:19:47,830 --> 00:19:50,057
If there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word
375
00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:53,002
then we would just be
idiots saying nonsense.
376
00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:03,262
Hey.
377
00:20:03,512 --> 00:20:04,948
They found
the missing hikers.
378
00:20:05,173 --> 00:20:06,074
They did?
379
00:20:06,098 --> 00:20:07,299
- Yeah.
- What happened?
380
00:20:07,558 --> 00:20:08,868
They said
they got separated
381
00:20:08,894 --> 00:20:10,494
and one of them had his
foot stuck under a rock
382
00:20:10,519 --> 00:20:11,913
for like,
5 days.
383
00:20:13,815 --> 00:20:17,376
You know, if your leg got
trapped under a rock
384
00:20:17,402 --> 00:20:18,903
I'd chew it off
to get you free.
385
00:20:19,904 --> 00:20:20,922
You would?
386
00:20:20,946 --> 00:20:22,089
I sure would.
387
00:20:22,115 --> 00:20:23,633
Is that cannibalism?
388
00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:26,178
No, I think it's only
cannibalism if you swallow.
389
00:20:26,202 --> 00:20:27,429
Oh, yeah, no!
390
00:20:27,453 --> 00:20:29,472
Don't worry about that,
because I don't swallow.
391
00:20:29,498 --> 00:20:31,082
Really?
'Cause that's not what I heard.
392
00:20:31,374 --> 00:20:32,723
Well, it's not true,
okay?
393
00:20:32,749 --> 00:20:34,227
I'm a fucking classy broad.
394
00:20:34,251 --> 00:20:35,795
Yeah.
395
00:20:36,253 --> 00:20:38,230
I can see that.
396
00:20:38,256 --> 00:20:40,192
Listen,
speaking of classy,
397
00:20:40,217 --> 00:20:42,443
Ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.
398
00:20:42,469 --> 00:20:45,363
So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.
399
00:20:45,387 --> 00:20:47,557
I really don't care,
as long as we're together.
400
00:20:48,141 --> 00:20:49,784
Are you kidding me?
401
00:20:49,808 --> 00:20:50,373
No, no, no.
402
00:20:50,397 --> 00:20:51,619
4 years, we've
been going out.
403
00:20:51,644 --> 00:20:53,288
I'm taking you to
the best place in town.
404
00:20:53,313 --> 00:20:55,080
I've been crapping out
room for it for 2 days.
405
00:20:55,105 --> 00:20:57,150
I mean, I know exactly
what I'm gonna order.
406
00:20:57,275 --> 00:20:59,336
You are so disgusting.
407
00:20:59,361 --> 00:21:00,403
And I love you.
408
00:21:01,238 --> 00:21:02,153
I love you, too.
409
00:21:02,278 --> 00:21:03,265
And you're nasty.
410
00:21:03,490 --> 00:21:05,467
Do you want to get nasty?
411
00:21:05,491 --> 00:21:07,536
You're a nasty girl.
412
00:21:11,748 --> 00:21:13,807
Fucking
cocksucker motherfucker!
413
00:21:13,833 --> 00:21:14,893
I don't understand.
414
00:21:14,917 --> 00:21:17,645
35 years old and you're
still scared of a little thunder.
415
00:21:17,671 --> 00:21:19,213
I am not!
416
00:21:21,715 --> 00:21:23,090
Thunder buddies for life,
right, Johnny?
417
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:23,792
Fucking right.
418
00:21:23,817 --> 00:21:25,737
- Let's sing the thunder song.
- All right.
419
00:21:25,761 --> 00:21:28,949
When you hear the sound of thunder
Don't you get too scared
420
00:21:28,973 --> 00:21:32,560
Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words
421
00:21:32,935 --> 00:21:36,272
Fuck you, thunder
You can suck my dick
422
00:21:36,439 --> 00:21:39,276
You can't get me, thunder
'Cause you're just God's farts
423
00:21:43,153 --> 00:21:45,589
Hey, Lori, can you set
the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?
424
00:21:45,615 --> 00:21:47,325
I've got a lot of stuff
to do tomorrow.
425
00:22:00,588 --> 00:22:01,631
Good morning,
Lori.
426
00:22:01,839 --> 00:22:03,424
Good morning.
427
00:22:08,721 --> 00:22:10,574
Okay. You okay there,
sweetheart?
428
00:22:10,598 --> 00:22:12,616
You look
a little flustered.
429
00:22:12,642 --> 00:22:13,742
I'm fine, I'm fine,
430
00:22:13,768 --> 00:22:15,996
I just didn't have time for breakfast
and the garage was full,
431
00:22:16,020 --> 00:22:18,347
oh, and that's right, my boyfriend
can't sleep through a thunderstorm
432
00:22:18,373 --> 00:22:19,582
without his teddy bear.
433
00:22:19,857 --> 00:22:21,625
I don't understand why you
keep putting up with him.
434
00:22:21,651 --> 00:22:23,048
Yeah, I mean,
the guy's 35,
435
00:22:23,073 --> 00:22:25,346
and he's working for
a rental car service.
436
00:22:25,696 --> 00:22:27,298
You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.
437
00:22:27,324 --> 00:22:28,451
I don't care about that.
438
00:22:28,476 --> 00:22:30,468
I mean, I'd love him
if he was a janitor.
439
00:22:30,492 --> 00:22:34,096
I mean, he has a huge
heart and we laugh a lot.
440
00:22:34,122 --> 00:22:37,416
It's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.
441
00:22:37,625 --> 00:22:38,145
I don't know.
442
00:22:38,171 --> 00:22:39,685
I just wish he would
get his life together.
443
00:22:39,711 --> 00:22:42,005
Our life.
And he can't.
444
00:22:42,130 --> 00:22:44,590
And, I swear to God,
it is because of that bear.
445
00:22:44,758 --> 00:22:46,530
You should give him
an ultimatum.
446
00:22:46,556 --> 00:22:47,701
It's you
or the bear.
447
00:22:47,926 --> 00:22:49,266
No, I can't do that.
448
00:22:49,290 --> 00:22:51,072
That would devastate him.
449
00:22:51,096 --> 00:22:54,683
Besides,
what if he chose Ted?
450
00:22:55,018 --> 00:22:56,019
Well, hello there.
451
00:22:56,185 --> 00:22:58,329
Sorry if I'm interrupting
any private girl-talk
452
00:22:58,355 --> 00:22:59,873
about Channing Tatum's
index finger.
453
00:22:59,897 --> 00:23:02,166
But, Lori, I need to
see you in my office.
454
00:23:02,192 --> 00:23:03,032
Yeah,
the thing is, Rex,
455
00:23:03,057 --> 00:23:04,501
I have a lot of work
I need to get to...
456
00:23:04,527 --> 00:23:07,113
Oh, this is work,
I swear.
457
00:23:08,573 --> 00:23:10,282
Great.
458
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:12,568
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
459
00:23:13,452 --> 00:23:14,746
He's such an asshole.
460
00:23:14,871 --> 00:23:16,748
Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.
461
00:23:16,873 --> 00:23:19,792
A hundred bucks says he's showing
her the diving team photo.
462
00:23:20,542 --> 00:23:22,854
Check this out.
463
00:23:22,878 --> 00:23:25,272
That's me on
the high school diving team.
464
00:23:25,298 --> 00:23:27,174
We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.
465
00:23:27,925 --> 00:23:29,163
Now, if you look close,
466
00:23:29,189 --> 00:23:31,153
you can see the
outline of my root.
467
00:23:31,179 --> 00:23:32,846
You promised me
this was about work.
468
00:23:32,971 --> 00:23:35,200
Lori,
why don't you like me?
469
00:23:35,224 --> 00:23:37,368
I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.
470
00:23:37,394 --> 00:23:38,363
I have a boyfriend.
471
00:23:38,388 --> 00:23:39,537
I have told you this.
472
00:23:39,561 --> 00:23:41,163
Yeah, the guy with the bear.
473
00:23:41,189 --> 00:23:44,233
But I'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.
474
00:23:44,401 --> 00:23:47,653
If we were together,
our babies would be spectacular.
475
00:23:47,820 --> 00:23:52,325
With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes and your splash of
476
00:23:53,201 --> 00:23:56,663
dark, beautiful, smoky...
477
00:23:56,913 --> 00:23:58,748
Baltic? Czech?
478
00:23:58,914 --> 00:24:00,458
Goodbye, Rex.
479
00:24:00,583 --> 00:24:01,760
Okay, you're fired.
480
00:24:01,786 --> 00:24:02,652
No. I'm not.
481
00:24:28,944 --> 00:24:30,821
Okay, that was perfect.
482
00:24:31,029 --> 00:24:32,673
Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?
483
00:24:32,699 --> 00:24:34,299
No, I'm good.
Thank you.
484
00:24:34,325 --> 00:24:36,135
Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?
485
00:24:36,161 --> 00:24:37,302
I want to scare
the shit out of somebody.
486
00:24:37,327 --> 00:24:38,328
Sure.
487
00:24:38,621 --> 00:24:40,664
- What are you, 5-years old?
- Yeah.
488
00:24:40,874 --> 00:24:43,084
But I read at a
6-year-old level, so...
489
00:24:44,501 --> 00:24:48,690
Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert
490
00:24:48,714 --> 00:24:50,674
and champagne.
491
00:24:52,343 --> 00:24:53,736
Cristal.
492
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:54,784
It's a special night.
493
00:24:54,809 --> 00:24:56,489
We've been dating
for 4 years.
494
00:24:56,513 --> 00:24:59,142
And hey, all those rich black
people can't be wrong, right?
495
00:25:02,686 --> 00:25:04,564
It doesn't feel like
four years, does it?
496
00:25:05,190 --> 00:25:06,523
No, it doesn't.
497
00:25:06,773 --> 00:25:10,127
You know, you had no business
being out on that dance floor,
498
00:25:10,153 --> 00:25:12,196
but I'm really happy
that you were.
499
00:25:18,536 --> 00:25:20,180
This song is so great.
500
00:25:20,204 --> 00:25:20,967
Oh, yeah.
501
00:25:20,991 --> 00:25:23,273
Chris Brown can do no wrong.
502
00:25:23,665 --> 00:25:25,643
Wow,
you can really move.
503
00:25:25,667 --> 00:25:26,693
You like that, huh?
504
00:25:26,719 --> 00:25:27,903
Check this shit out.
505
00:25:34,551 --> 00:25:35,802
Oh, my God!
506
00:25:36,637 --> 00:25:38,030
Are you okay?
507
00:25:38,056 --> 00:25:39,324
Oh, God, I am so sorry.
508
00:25:39,348 --> 00:25:40,575
No, I'm fine,
I'm fine.
509
00:25:40,599 --> 00:25:43,411
Jesus, I am so sorry. I didn't see you.
It was an accident.
510
00:25:43,435 --> 00:25:44,578
Did you hurt your head?
511
00:25:44,604 --> 00:25:46,288
Yeah, my head hurts a lot.
512
00:25:46,314 --> 00:25:47,898
Oh, man. Here, let
me get you some ice.
513
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,865
Sorry, sorry.
Does it hurt?
514
00:25:58,826 --> 00:26:01,578
No. It's fine.
515
00:26:03,248 --> 00:26:05,916
Okay, here's a test to see how
much you actually care about me.
516
00:26:06,667 --> 00:26:08,603
You remember that night,
after the club
517
00:26:08,627 --> 00:26:12,523
we went and had late-night eggs
and waffles until about 5:00 A.M.
518
00:26:12,548 --> 00:26:15,567
We watched a movie on the
little TV in the diner.
519
00:26:15,593 --> 00:26:16,928
Name that movie.
520
00:26:17,386 --> 00:26:18,429
Octopussy.
521
00:26:18,637 --> 00:26:21,657
Baby! Gold star.
522
00:26:21,682 --> 00:26:24,035
And, by the way,
my dancing was not that bad.
523
00:26:24,059 --> 00:26:25,953
- It was pretty bad.
- I have cool moves.
524
00:26:25,979 --> 00:26:27,413
Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.
525
00:26:27,438 --> 00:26:28,748
That's not
how I remember it.
526
00:26:28,772 --> 00:26:30,107
Okay, how do you
remember it?
527
00:27:00,012 --> 00:27:01,972
All right,
whatever you say.
528
00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:03,490
- Hey.
- Yes?
529
00:27:03,516 --> 00:27:04,851
Here's to 4 more years.
530
00:27:05,183 --> 00:27:06,853
- Okay.
- You make me happy.
531
00:27:07,729 --> 00:27:09,288
Now, I know we said
no gifts, but...
532
00:27:09,314 --> 00:27:10,373
We said no such thing.
533
00:27:10,397 --> 00:27:13,292
I got you something anyway,
in clear violation of the "no gift" rule.
534
00:27:13,317 --> 00:27:14,586
We had no such rule.
535
00:27:14,611 --> 00:27:18,030
Lori, I've wanted to give
this to you for a long time.
536
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,451
John.
537
00:27:28,165 --> 00:27:29,667
Those are the ones you like,
right?
538
00:27:29,692 --> 00:27:30,902
From that kiosk
at the mall.
539
00:27:32,002 --> 00:27:33,503
Yeah.
540
00:27:35,548 --> 00:27:37,107
You know, Lori,
541
00:27:37,133 --> 00:27:38,550
someday, there's
going to be a ring in there.
542
00:27:38,968 --> 00:27:40,058
But I want to wait until
543
00:27:40,084 --> 00:27:41,738
I get you something
really special.
544
00:27:41,762 --> 00:27:43,597
I just don't have
the money right now.
545
00:27:45,391 --> 00:27:48,036
Look, I'm only saying this
because I love you.
546
00:27:48,060 --> 00:27:49,561
You're not going to
have any sort of career
547
00:27:49,686 --> 00:27:51,288
if you keep
wasting time with Ted.
548
00:27:51,314 --> 00:27:52,414
Oh, jeez, here we go.
549
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,125
Baby, please ask
Ted to move out
550
00:27:54,150 --> 00:27:55,585
so we can move on
with our lives.
551
00:27:55,609 --> 00:27:58,211
Lori, look, he's been my
best friend since I was 8.
552
00:27:58,237 --> 00:27:59,864
I was not a popular child.
553
00:28:01,615 --> 00:28:02,231
You have to understand,
554
00:28:02,257 --> 00:28:03,300
I had no friends
before he came along.
555
00:28:03,326 --> 00:28:05,701
He's the only reason I ever
gained any fucking confidence.
556
00:28:05,912 --> 00:28:08,181
I could have wound up like
that Asian kid at Virginia Tech,
557
00:28:08,205 --> 00:28:09,473
but I didn't 'cause of him.
558
00:28:09,499 --> 00:28:10,969
So, you know,
I'm not that psyched
559
00:28:10,993 --> 00:28:12,184
to just, like,
kick him out.
560
00:28:12,210 --> 00:28:14,561
Well, it's good to know that a
talking teddy bear is the only thing
561
00:28:14,586 --> 00:28:16,314
that prevented you from
gunning down your classmates.
562
00:28:16,338 --> 00:28:19,442
But you're no longer 8.
You're 35 years old.
563
00:28:19,467 --> 00:28:21,653
And unless you're
too blind to notice,
564
00:28:21,678 --> 00:28:23,488
he's not your only
friend anymore.
565
00:28:23,512 --> 00:28:25,155
Can we talk about
this another time,
566
00:28:25,181 --> 00:28:26,722
and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?
567
00:28:37,402 --> 00:28:38,944
Oh, shit,
hang on a second.
568
00:28:39,362 --> 00:28:41,255
Now my phone fell under
the seat somewhere.
569
00:28:41,279 --> 00:28:42,323
Can you call it?
570
00:28:42,531 --> 00:28:43,740
Yeah.
571
00:28:58,088 --> 00:28:59,548
Is that my ringtone?
572
00:28:59,965 --> 00:29:01,384
Oh, yeah.
573
00:29:02,009 --> 00:29:04,028
What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.
574
00:29:04,053 --> 00:29:05,971
No, no,
it's from The Notebook.
575
00:29:08,473 --> 00:29:10,201
This is going to take
some doing, I think.
576
00:29:10,226 --> 00:29:11,576
I'll just meet
you upstairs then?
577
00:29:11,602 --> 00:29:13,145
Yeah, I'll be right there.
578
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:24,006
Lori, hey,
you're home early.
579
00:29:24,030 --> 00:29:25,715
What the hell is this?
580
00:29:25,740 --> 00:29:28,219
The ladies and I were just
watching Jack and Jill.
581
00:29:28,243 --> 00:29:30,919
Adam Sandler plays
a guy and his sister,
582
00:29:30,943 --> 00:29:32,222
and it's just awful.
583
00:29:32,248 --> 00:29:33,391
It's unwatchable.
584
00:29:33,415 --> 00:29:35,226
But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.
585
00:29:35,250 --> 00:29:37,752
This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?
586
00:29:37,878 --> 00:29:39,463
Where are my manners?
587
00:29:39,630 --> 00:29:42,123
Lori, this is
Angelique, Heavenly,
588
00:29:42,148 --> 00:29:44,285
Cherene,
and Sauvignon Blanc.
589
00:29:44,594 --> 00:29:45,736
I love you girls.
590
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:47,086
You know,
somewhere out there
591
00:29:47,113 --> 00:29:48,322
are four
terrible fathers
592
00:29:48,346 --> 00:29:50,450
I wish I could thank
for this great night.
593
00:29:50,474 --> 00:29:51,893
What is that?
594
00:29:52,101 --> 00:29:53,435
What is what?
595
00:29:53,935 --> 00:29:56,122
There is a...
596
00:29:56,146 --> 00:29:58,065
shit on my floor.
597
00:29:58,316 --> 00:30:00,460
In the corner,
there is a shit!
598
00:30:00,484 --> 00:30:02,752
Oh, my God!
You know what?
599
00:30:02,778 --> 00:30:04,713
That's probably what Dierdre
was doing over there.
600
00:30:04,739 --> 00:30:07,215
Remember she was crouched over in
the corner for a really long time?
601
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,093
I thought she was just making
a phone call or something.
602
00:30:09,117 --> 00:30:11,162
There is a shit
on my floor!
603
00:30:11,287 --> 00:30:11,865
Yeah. Yeah.
604
00:30:11,891 --> 00:30:13,597
She's passed out
in the bathroom now.
605
00:30:13,623 --> 00:30:15,665
She seemed like she was
hopped up on something,
606
00:30:15,790 --> 00:30:18,019
but, you know, mystery solved,
I guess, right?
607
00:30:18,044 --> 00:30:19,311
She was taking a shit.
608
00:30:19,336 --> 00:30:20,546
What the fuck?
609
00:30:22,507 --> 00:30:23,268
Who lives here?
610
00:30:23,292 --> 00:30:25,009
I'm coming to get
whoever lives here.
611
00:30:25,134 --> 00:30:26,469
You owe me
lobster money.
612
00:30:27,010 --> 00:30:28,488
That's my buddy,
Johnny.
613
00:30:28,512 --> 00:30:30,096
Not the lobster,
the guy running it.
614
00:30:30,515 --> 00:30:32,532
I found my phone.
615
00:30:32,557 --> 00:30:33,601
What's going on?
616
00:30:35,310 --> 00:30:37,521
Is that a shit?
617
00:30:53,037 --> 00:30:55,623
God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.
618
00:30:55,873 --> 00:30:58,183
Look at that one.
WASP-y, white-guy fish.
619
00:30:58,209 --> 00:31:02,813
"I married the wrong woman,
and now I lead a life of regret."
620
00:31:02,837 --> 00:31:04,022
Oh, look at this guy.
621
00:31:04,048 --> 00:31:09,053
"I went to New York once in 1981,
and I just did not feel safe."
622
00:31:10,503 --> 00:31:12,615
Ted, you gotta move out.
623
00:31:14,432 --> 00:31:15,476
What?
624
00:31:16,018 --> 00:31:18,186
It's got to happen.
625
00:31:19,771 --> 00:31:21,898
What did I do?
626
00:31:22,900 --> 00:31:25,861
My relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know.
627
00:31:27,070 --> 00:31:29,240
Lori and I may just need
a little space right now.
628
00:31:29,781 --> 00:31:32,718
Plus, a hooker took a
shit in our apartment.
629
00:31:32,742 --> 00:31:34,470
- Oh, God!
- Ah, what?
630
00:31:34,494 --> 00:31:36,221
- Oh, this is so gross!
- Don't tell me!
631
00:31:36,246 --> 00:31:37,148
I don't want to
hear about it!
632
00:31:37,173 --> 00:31:37,964
Did you get it?
633
00:31:37,990 --> 00:31:39,924
- No, I didn't get it!
- Tell me when you get it!
634
00:31:39,950 --> 00:31:42,394
Oh, my God,
I got some on my thumb!
635
00:31:42,420 --> 00:31:44,755
No! You can never cook
with that hand again!
636
00:31:44,963 --> 00:31:45,406
Oh, my God!
637
00:31:45,432 --> 00:31:46,731
You have to learn
to cook left-handed.
638
00:31:46,757 --> 00:31:48,733
This is the most
disgusting thing ever!
639
00:31:48,759 --> 00:31:50,236
Don't!
Get it away from me!
640
00:31:50,260 --> 00:31:52,179
Look, that was a tough
night for all of us.
641
00:31:52,430 --> 00:31:54,737
Ted,
you mean everything to me,
642
00:31:54,761 --> 00:31:56,032
and so does Lori.
643
00:31:56,057 --> 00:31:57,738
I mean, I'm just
trying to find a way
644
00:31:57,864 --> 00:31:59,345
to keep you
both in my life.
645
00:32:00,605 --> 00:32:02,480
She's making you do it,
isn't she?
646
00:32:03,065 --> 00:32:04,208
Yes.
647
00:32:04,232 --> 00:32:06,090
But that doesn't mean
we can't hang out.
648
00:32:06,115 --> 00:32:07,428
We'll hang out
all the time.
649
00:32:07,862 --> 00:32:10,506
Yeah, but what about
"thunder buddies for life," Johnny?
650
00:32:10,530 --> 00:32:11,172
I know.
651
00:32:11,297 --> 00:32:13,092
I just don't know
what to do, here.
652
00:32:13,116 --> 00:32:17,078
I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm going to lose her.
653
00:32:17,203 --> 00:32:18,748
And I do love her,
Ted.
654
00:32:19,373 --> 00:32:21,000
I know you do,
Johnny.
655
00:32:21,250 --> 00:32:23,419
I'll help you get on your feet
out there, I promise.
656
00:32:23,877 --> 00:32:25,820
I know. And we'll hang out
all the time, right?
657
00:32:25,962 --> 00:32:27,381
All the time.
658
00:32:27,589 --> 00:32:29,317
Fuck it. Bring it in.
Come here.
659
00:32:29,342 --> 00:32:31,259
Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.
660
00:32:31,801 --> 00:32:33,054
I love you!
661
00:32:33,304 --> 00:32:36,015
Fuck. Shit, sorry,
that's the thing from the...
662
00:32:36,182 --> 00:32:37,006
The old...
663
00:32:37,030 --> 00:32:38,075
Yeah, yeah.
664
00:32:38,099 --> 00:32:39,576
- I'm not gay.
- I know.
665
00:32:39,602 --> 00:32:41,729
And you're not gay,
so we're fine.
666
00:32:42,938 --> 00:32:45,398
We gotta get you a job.
667
00:32:46,776 --> 00:32:47,917
I look stupid.
668
00:32:47,942 --> 00:32:49,211
No you don't.
You look dapper.
669
00:32:49,236 --> 00:32:51,672
I don't. I look like
Snuggle's accountant.
670
00:32:51,697 --> 00:32:53,048
Come on,
it's not that bad.
671
00:32:53,074 --> 00:32:54,508
John, I look like something
you give your kid
672
00:32:54,532 --> 00:32:56,035
when you tell him
Grandma died.
673
00:32:56,201 --> 00:32:58,136
Look,
I know it sucks, OK?
674
00:32:58,162 --> 00:32:59,262
But you've got to
make some money
675
00:32:59,288 --> 00:33:00,388
so you can pay
for an apartment.
676
00:33:00,413 --> 00:33:02,516
I don't want to work
at a grocery store.
677
00:33:02,540 --> 00:33:03,917
Yeah, but you
have no skills.
678
00:33:04,085 --> 00:33:06,086
I told you,
I can totally be a lawyer.
679
00:33:06,295 --> 00:33:08,689
As I said, you would need a
law degree from a law school.
680
00:33:08,713 --> 00:33:10,732
No. No.
I'm a special case.
681
00:33:10,758 --> 00:33:11,272
I'm a...
682
00:33:11,298 --> 00:33:12,817
I'm a talking teddy bear,
for Christ's sake.
683
00:33:12,843 --> 00:33:14,444
They might make an exception
'cause they'd be all like,
684
00:33:14,470 --> 00:33:15,904
"Oh, my God!
This bear's so cool.
685
00:33:15,930 --> 00:33:16,712
"He can talk
and do stuff.
686
00:33:16,739 --> 00:33:17,405
Let's give him a job.
687
00:33:17,431 --> 00:33:19,392
"Maybe he'll give us a few
laughs around the office."
688
00:33:19,557 --> 00:33:20,748
And then they're like,
689
00:33:20,773 --> 00:33:22,369
"Oh, my God!
He can deliver.
690
00:33:22,394 --> 00:33:23,895
"He's actually
quite a litigator."
691
00:33:24,105 --> 00:33:26,564
And then they practically have to
give me the Anderson case.
692
00:33:26,981 --> 00:33:29,902
You get the job,
we're celebrating after, OK?
693
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:31,895
And if I don't
get the job,
694
00:33:31,921 --> 00:33:33,421
are we still going to
smoke that pot?
695
00:33:33,489 --> 00:33:34,656
Probably, yes.
696
00:33:34,781 --> 00:33:35,534
OK, all right.
697
00:33:35,558 --> 00:33:36,800
Good talk, coach,
thanks.
698
00:33:36,826 --> 00:33:37,992
All right, buddy,
go get 'em.
699
00:33:38,827 --> 00:33:40,762
And don't worry,
I'll do my very best
700
00:33:40,788 --> 00:33:42,914
to get this job
that I so crave.
701
00:33:43,874 --> 00:33:45,584
So you think
you got what it takes?
702
00:33:45,750 --> 00:33:47,065
I'll tell you
what I got.
703
00:33:47,089 --> 00:33:48,822
Your wife's pussy
on my breath.
704
00:33:50,923 --> 00:33:53,174
Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.
705
00:33:53,342 --> 00:33:56,636
That's 'cause everyone's mouth
is usually full of your wife's box.
706
00:33:58,847 --> 00:33:59,973
You're hired.
707
00:34:00,223 --> 00:34:01,307
Shit.
708
00:34:47,271 --> 00:34:50,958
Well, I am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.
709
00:34:50,983 --> 00:34:53,793
This is how the cast of
Diff'rent Strokes feels.
710
00:34:53,818 --> 00:34:55,166
All day,
every day.
711
00:34:55,192 --> 00:34:56,088
Just awful.
712
00:34:56,112 --> 00:34:57,045
They must feel awful.
713
00:34:57,070 --> 00:34:58,465
The live ones
must feel awful.
714
00:34:58,490 --> 00:34:59,632
Come on.
It's not that bad, okay?
715
00:34:59,657 --> 00:35:00,465
I got a shitty job,
716
00:35:00,489 --> 00:35:02,143
and I assure you,
I am quite content.
717
00:35:02,286 --> 00:35:03,496
Excuse me.
718
00:35:03,661 --> 00:35:04,889
I'm sorry to bother you
719
00:35:04,914 --> 00:35:08,918
but my son and I couldn't help
but admire your teddy bear.
720
00:35:09,418 --> 00:35:10,894
- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks.
721
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:14,005
Yeah. I'm Donny,
this is Robert.
722
00:35:14,172 --> 00:35:14,862
I have to say,
723
00:35:14,887 --> 00:35:17,012
I've been following you
ever since I was a young boy
724
00:35:18,092 --> 00:35:20,762
and I remember seeing you
on the Carson Show.
725
00:35:20,929 --> 00:35:22,264
You were just wonderful.
726
00:35:22,431 --> 00:35:24,824
Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.
727
00:35:24,849 --> 00:35:28,269
Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept
muttering anti-Semitic comments.
728
00:35:28,436 --> 00:35:30,456
He thought ALF was
Jewish for some reason.
729
00:35:30,481 --> 00:35:32,190
Have you ever considered
selling the bear?
730
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:33,501
- What?
- Excuse me?
731
00:35:33,525 --> 00:35:34,793
I want it.
732
00:35:34,818 --> 00:35:35,969
I'm not an "it,"
pal.
733
00:35:36,094 --> 00:35:37,396
I'm a "he",
all right?
734
00:35:37,612 --> 00:35:39,632
I'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.
735
00:35:39,657 --> 00:35:41,592
See, I've had him
since I was about your age.
736
00:35:41,617 --> 00:35:43,385
He's very, very
special to me.
737
00:35:43,409 --> 00:35:45,663
Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.
738
00:35:45,996 --> 00:35:47,764
Why the fuck
would he say that?
739
00:35:47,789 --> 00:35:50,851
Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.
740
00:35:50,876 --> 00:35:52,628
Look, we're very
interested in the bear.
741
00:35:52,753 --> 00:35:54,396
If you want to make
some sort of arrangement
742
00:35:54,420 --> 00:35:56,130
here's my address
and phone number.
743
00:35:56,297 --> 00:35:58,608
And you can call me
any time, okay?
744
00:35:58,634 --> 00:35:59,677
Will do.
745
00:35:59,842 --> 00:36:02,780
Here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff.
746
00:36:02,804 --> 00:36:04,431
Okay? Okay.
747
00:36:04,597 --> 00:36:05,030
OK.
748
00:36:05,056 --> 00:36:06,324
See you later.
749
00:36:06,349 --> 00:36:07,409
Come on, Robert.
750
00:36:07,434 --> 00:36:08,434
Take it easy.
751
00:36:08,601 --> 00:36:09,644
What the fuck?
752
00:36:09,811 --> 00:36:11,829
Can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?
753
00:36:11,855 --> 00:36:13,791
I could totally see him just
taking you down to the basement
754
00:36:13,815 --> 00:36:15,416
and really slowly
de-limbing you
755
00:36:15,442 --> 00:36:17,777
while singing some creepy
Victorian nursery rhyme.
756
00:36:18,152 --> 00:36:20,630
Oh, my little sixpence
My pretty little sixpence
757
00:36:20,655 --> 00:36:21,429
Stop it.
758
00:36:21,954 --> 00:36:22,490
Knock it off.
759
00:36:22,815 --> 00:36:24,175
I love my sixpence
Better than my life
760
00:36:24,201 --> 00:36:24,711
Stop it! Fuck!
761
00:36:24,737 --> 00:36:26,135
Why you got to
take it to that place?
762
00:36:26,161 --> 00:36:27,152
You took it to a very...
763
00:36:27,179 --> 00:36:28,764
Now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.
764
00:36:28,789 --> 00:36:30,014
Come on.
Take it easy.
765
00:36:30,039 --> 00:36:33,001
All right, look, let's just find
a better place to get stoned.
766
00:36:54,856 --> 00:36:56,483
I guess this is it,
huh?
767
00:36:56,650 --> 00:36:58,943
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
768
00:36:59,110 --> 00:37:00,336
First night on your own.
769
00:37:00,570 --> 00:37:03,699
Yeah, first night in my
beautiful new apartment.
770
00:37:04,324 --> 00:37:05,867
It'll be great
when it's furnished.
771
00:37:06,034 --> 00:37:08,570
Yeah, and the guy said it ain't
hardly had no murders in it.
772
00:37:08,594 --> 00:37:10,514
So, that's good.
773
00:37:11,248 --> 00:37:14,083
Okay, so,
if you need anything...
774
00:37:14,251 --> 00:37:15,213
Yeah, I know.
775
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:17,905
Don't worry, Johnny,
I'll be fine.
776
00:37:18,755 --> 00:37:20,757
I know you will.
777
00:37:21,550 --> 00:37:22,675
All right.
778
00:37:48,409 --> 00:37:49,844
Hey there.
779
00:37:49,869 --> 00:37:50,971
Hey.
780
00:37:50,996 --> 00:37:52,581
- Hi.
- Hi.
781
00:37:54,916 --> 00:37:58,545
Listen, I just want
to say thank you.
782
00:37:59,463 --> 00:38:02,925
I know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,
783
00:38:03,425 --> 00:38:06,903
and I just want you to know
that I love you for it,
784
00:38:06,929 --> 00:38:10,766
and I think it's a new beginning
for our relationship.
785
00:38:11,141 --> 00:38:13,911
Hey, anything for you.
786
00:38:13,936 --> 00:38:16,454
This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,
787
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,208
so you better
get used to him.
788
00:38:19,233 --> 00:38:20,275
Really?
789
00:38:21,235 --> 00:38:23,503
Well, you know,
790
00:38:23,528 --> 00:38:27,199
I don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.
791
00:38:27,949 --> 00:38:29,635
Well, that's perfect.
792
00:38:29,659 --> 00:38:31,536
Because I'm only
going to need one.
793
00:38:34,623 --> 00:38:36,958
You know what my favorite
thing about you is?
794
00:38:37,291 --> 00:38:41,963
That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.
795
00:38:43,297 --> 00:38:47,443
Like, to step up and change
such a huge part of your life
796
00:38:47,469 --> 00:38:50,179
just to make
your girlfriend happier...
797
00:38:50,722 --> 00:38:51,394
I don't know,
798
00:38:51,420 --> 00:38:53,333
I guess most guys
wouldn't do that.
799
00:38:53,474 --> 00:38:56,811
Well, most guys don't have
you to motivate them.
800
00:38:59,188 --> 00:39:01,942
I know I'm not
a talking teddy bear,
801
00:39:03,193 --> 00:39:06,028
but at least you didn't have to
make a magical wish to get me.
802
00:39:06,739 --> 00:39:08,197
How do you know?
803
00:39:20,626 --> 00:39:22,478
Is that a Flash Gordon
ray gun,
804
00:39:22,503 --> 00:39:24,255
or are you just
happy to see me?
805
00:39:31,764 --> 00:39:33,264
There we go.
806
00:39:33,724 --> 00:39:35,916
Thank you very much,
please come again.
807
00:39:35,943 --> 00:39:37,585
We have a lot more groceries.
808
00:39:43,358 --> 00:39:45,168
Hey, Ellen.
809
00:39:45,193 --> 00:39:46,195
Yeah?
810
00:39:46,487 --> 00:39:47,528
Who's that over there?
811
00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:50,673
That's the
new checkout girl.
812
00:39:50,699 --> 00:39:52,367
Don't know her name.
Seems cute.
813
00:39:52,534 --> 00:39:53,400
Yeah, very cute.
814
00:39:53,427 --> 00:39:55,646
Do you know what
I'd like to do to her?
815
00:39:55,788 --> 00:39:57,623
Something I call
a Dirty Fozzie.
816
00:40:31,532 --> 00:40:34,034
Okay, all right, so that's
where we'll draw the line.
817
00:40:38,413 --> 00:40:39,998
Hey, how are you
holding up?
818
00:40:40,916 --> 00:40:41,844
Oh, I'm all right.
819
00:40:41,869 --> 00:40:44,235
I'm just getting used
to things, that's all.
820
00:40:44,710 --> 00:40:45,936
It's gonna be all right.
821
00:40:46,213 --> 00:40:49,358
I actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend.
822
00:40:49,382 --> 00:40:50,800
- Really?
- Yeah.
823
00:40:51,552 --> 00:40:53,737
We were together
for 8 months,
824
00:40:53,764 --> 00:40:55,454
and I really loved him.
825
00:40:55,597 --> 00:40:58,534
And then he got
deported back to Iran,
826
00:40:58,559 --> 00:41:00,018
so I know what
you're going through.
827
00:41:00,434 --> 00:41:01,521
Oh, yeah.
828
00:41:01,545 --> 00:41:04,798
So, I guess we both
lost our furry little guy.
829
00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:06,483
We sure did.
830
00:41:12,114 --> 00:41:13,840
Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?
831
00:41:13,865 --> 00:41:15,449
You want to come over
and catch a buzz?
832
00:41:15,617 --> 00:41:17,135
Well, I could probably
stop by after work.
833
00:41:17,159 --> 00:41:19,847
Fuck that. I traded off yesterday
so I got the other shift.
834
00:41:19,871 --> 00:41:21,467
Come on, I'm bored
as crap over here.
835
00:41:21,492 --> 00:41:22,516
Just swing by for a bit.
836
00:41:22,541 --> 00:41:24,126
I cannot just ditch work,
man.
837
00:41:24,251 --> 00:41:25,351
Look, I'm trying to
get my shit together
838
00:41:25,376 --> 00:41:27,170
and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.
839
00:41:27,336 --> 00:41:29,648
John, 5 minutes and then
I'll kick you out, I promise.
840
00:41:29,672 --> 00:41:30,722
Just come over.
841
00:41:30,746 --> 00:41:32,818
I got the Cheers DVD box set
842
00:41:32,842 --> 00:41:34,443
and the guy down
at the store told me
843
00:41:34,469 --> 00:41:36,969
that everybody talks shit about
each other in the interviews.
844
00:41:37,972 --> 00:41:39,115
You'll kick me out
in five?
845
00:41:39,141 --> 00:41:40,318
I will kick you out in 5.
846
00:41:40,342 --> 00:41:41,617
John,
I have to kick you out.
847
00:41:41,643 --> 00:41:43,554
I have so much
teddy bear paperwork
848
00:41:43,579 --> 00:41:45,172
I have to get to,
it is sick.
849
00:41:45,313 --> 00:41:46,748
What do I tell Thomas?
850
00:41:46,773 --> 00:41:48,150
Just tell him
you don't feel well.
851
00:41:48,650 --> 00:41:50,460
I gotta cut out for a bit.
852
00:41:50,485 --> 00:41:51,920
Lori tried to
break up a dog fight
853
00:41:51,945 --> 00:41:53,403
and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.
854
00:41:53,572 --> 00:41:54,672
Oh, my God!
855
00:41:54,697 --> 00:41:56,465
Yeah, that's
the way she is.
856
00:41:56,490 --> 00:41:58,010
She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,
857
00:41:58,034 --> 00:42:00,637
and I guess one of these dogs
clamped his jaws on her forearm
858
00:42:00,661 --> 00:42:02,472
and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up
859
00:42:02,496 --> 00:42:04,666
and stuck his finger
in his ass.
860
00:42:05,458 --> 00:42:06,518
Oh, Jesus.
861
00:42:06,543 --> 00:42:07,835
Yeah, she's
pretty shook up.
862
00:42:08,128 --> 00:42:09,813
Up the dog's ass,
right?
863
00:42:09,838 --> 00:42:11,523
Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.
864
00:42:11,547 --> 00:42:14,025
I thought the fireman stuck his
own finger up his own ass.
865
00:42:14,050 --> 00:42:15,860
No, I don't think a
firefighter would do that.
866
00:42:15,885 --> 00:42:17,987
Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.
867
00:42:18,012 --> 00:42:19,514
- Thank you.
- Go.
868
00:42:23,643 --> 00:42:25,829
Was there cocaineon the set of Cheers?
869
00:42:25,853 --> 00:42:28,106
Um, let me see, what's
the best way to answer that?
870
00:42:29,056 --> 00:42:32,460
Are there naked dicks
in gay porn?
871
00:42:32,735 --> 00:42:36,572
Yeah. Yeah, there was a...
There was cocaine on the set,
872
00:42:36,782 --> 00:42:38,407
but it was the '80s, man.
You know?
873
00:42:38,867 --> 00:42:42,244
I was the king of the '80s.
I was Ted-fucking-Danson.
874
00:42:42,536 --> 00:42:45,998
More importantly, I was
Sam-fucking- "Mayday" Malone.
875
00:42:46,208 --> 00:42:49,061
What was your other question?
Oh, yeah, was I popular?
876
00:42:49,485 --> 00:42:53,206
Are there naked dicks
in gay porn?
877
00:42:53,748 --> 00:42:58,052
Yeah. Yeah. No, I was,
I was beloved.
878
00:42:59,221 --> 00:43:00,972
You know, he's exactly
who you want him to be.
879
00:43:01,097 --> 00:43:04,409
He is. He is a man we can
all model ourselves after.
880
00:43:04,434 --> 00:43:05,818
Woody Harrelson.
881
00:43:05,844 --> 00:43:08,355
Smallest dick I've
ever seen on a man.
882
00:43:10,648 --> 00:43:12,208
See, that's why
I watch these things.
883
00:43:12,233 --> 00:43:14,568
That's like a cool behind-the-scenes
thing that you wouldn't know.
884
00:43:14,945 --> 00:43:16,630
Oh, hey,
listen, try this.
885
00:43:16,655 --> 00:43:18,864
I told my weed guy to
step it up and he gave me that.
886
00:43:19,282 --> 00:43:20,384
What is it?
887
00:43:20,409 --> 00:43:22,827
It's called "Mind Rape."
It's actually pretty mellow.
888
00:43:23,286 --> 00:43:24,596
It doesn't sound
very mellow.
889
00:43:24,621 --> 00:43:26,597
Well, he only had
three other batches.
890
00:43:26,623 --> 00:43:27,974
"Gorilla Panic,"
891
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:29,934
"They're Coming,
They're Coming,"
892
00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:31,811
and something called,
"This is Permanent."
893
00:43:31,836 --> 00:43:32,838
Go on, spark it up.
894
00:43:39,969 --> 00:43:40,929
There you go.
895
00:43:40,954 --> 00:43:41,913
You got it.
896
00:43:43,181 --> 00:43:45,061
Nice. Good, huh?
897
00:43:45,385 --> 00:43:46,476
Good job.
898
00:43:47,393 --> 00:43:49,420
Yeah.
Take pride in that.
899
00:43:49,896 --> 00:43:51,289
You know,
this place looks great.
900
00:43:51,313 --> 00:43:53,166
Thanks, man,
it's all IKEA.
901
00:43:53,190 --> 00:43:54,851
Did the whole place
for $47.
902
00:43:54,985 --> 00:43:56,628
- Nice.
- Yeah.
903
00:43:56,652 --> 00:43:58,112
How are the neighbors?
904
00:43:58,655 --> 00:44:00,673
You know, there's an
Asian family living next door
905
00:44:00,699 --> 00:44:02,175
but they don't have
a gong or nothing,
906
00:44:02,199 --> 00:44:03,068
so it's not too bad.
907
00:44:03,092 --> 00:44:04,927
- That's lucky.
- Yeah, it is.
908
00:44:05,202 --> 00:44:06,972
- How's work?
- It sucks.
909
00:44:07,496 --> 00:44:08,514
You?
910
00:44:08,539 --> 00:44:09,724
You know,
not bad actually.
911
00:44:09,750 --> 00:44:11,208
I met a girl.
She's a cashier.
912
00:44:11,376 --> 00:44:12,978
- No way, that's awesome!
- Yeah.
913
00:44:13,003 --> 00:44:14,730
Well, we should fucking
double-date, or something.
914
00:44:14,755 --> 00:44:16,440
You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?
915
00:44:16,465 --> 00:44:17,965
White trash name.
Guess.
916
00:44:19,009 --> 00:44:20,510
- Mandy?
- No.
917
00:44:21,344 --> 00:44:22,512
- Marilyn?
- No.
918
00:44:22,679 --> 00:44:24,514
- Britney? Tiffany?
- No. No.
919
00:44:24,681 --> 00:44:25,824
- Candice?
- No.
920
00:44:25,849 --> 00:44:27,476
Don't fuck with me on this.
I know this shit!
921
00:44:27,601 --> 00:44:29,327
- Do you see me fucking with you?
- All right, speed round.
922
00:44:29,351 --> 00:44:30,619
I'm going to
rattle off some names
923
00:44:30,644 --> 00:44:31,829
and when I hit it,
fucking buzz it.
924
00:44:31,855 --> 00:44:33,146
- I will tell you.
- You got me?
925
00:44:33,231 --> 00:44:34,416
All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,
926
00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:35,708
Breanna, Amber,
Sabrina, Melody,
927
00:44:35,733 --> 00:44:37,043
Dakota, Sierra,
Bambi, Crystal,
928
00:44:37,068 --> 00:44:38,945
Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tami,
929
00:44:39,112 --> 00:44:41,505
Lauren, Charlene, Chantal,
Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,
930
00:44:41,530 --> 00:44:43,467
Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra,
931
00:44:43,492 --> 00:44:45,077
Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna,
Jolene, Earline, Claudine,
932
00:44:45,242 --> 00:44:47,244
Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra,
Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.
933
00:44:47,411 --> 00:44:48,829
- Fucking Becky?
- No.
934
00:44:49,539 --> 00:44:52,041
Wait, was it any one of those
names with a "Lynn" after it?
935
00:44:52,250 --> 00:44:53,351
Yes.
936
00:44:53,376 --> 00:44:54,585
I got you,
motherfucker.
937
00:44:54,710 --> 00:44:56,170
I got you. Okay.
938
00:44:56,338 --> 00:44:58,023
Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
Tami-Lynn.
939
00:44:58,047 --> 00:44:59,132
Fuck!
940
00:45:02,677 --> 00:45:03,737
What the hell?
941
00:45:03,762 --> 00:45:06,030
Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?
942
00:45:06,056 --> 00:45:07,740
There's, like,
1,000 people here.
943
00:45:07,766 --> 00:45:10,034
There's supposed to be
three registers open.
944
00:45:10,059 --> 00:45:11,728
For God's sakes.
945
00:45:25,074 --> 00:45:27,744
Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.
946
00:45:28,577 --> 00:45:31,222
You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker
947
00:45:31,248 --> 00:45:34,083
on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.
948
00:45:34,251 --> 00:45:36,561
I fucked her with
a parsnip last week
949
00:45:36,585 --> 00:45:39,965
and I sold the parsnip to a
family with four small children.
950
00:45:40,757 --> 00:45:42,322
That took guts.
951
00:45:42,847 --> 00:45:44,411
We need guts.
952
00:45:44,552 --> 00:45:46,262
I'm promoting you.
953
00:45:46,929 --> 00:45:49,099
You got a lot of problems,
don't you?
954
00:46:02,528 --> 00:46:03,655
All right, Kareem!
955
00:46:04,905 --> 00:46:06,782
You suck, Kareem.
956
00:46:13,331 --> 00:46:14,666
Hello?
957
00:46:23,175 --> 00:46:24,634
Hey, Ted.
958
00:46:26,677 --> 00:46:28,637
Hey there, fella.
How are you?
959
00:46:29,556 --> 00:46:31,016
Are you out here
all alone?
960
00:46:31,307 --> 00:46:33,309
Uh, no,
no, I'm not.
961
00:46:34,018 --> 00:46:36,454
You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.
962
00:46:36,478 --> 00:46:38,831
So, no,
I'm not alone.
963
00:46:38,856 --> 00:46:41,693
Yeah.
Me, too.
964
00:46:44,778 --> 00:46:47,990
You know, Robert and I could
give you a very, very good home.
965
00:46:48,157 --> 00:46:50,427
Yeah, I'm pretty happy
where I am.
966
00:46:50,452 --> 00:46:51,969
I just got
a shitty new apartment...
967
00:46:51,994 --> 00:46:54,789
I can offer you
$6,000 in railroad bonds.
968
00:46:55,456 --> 00:46:57,434
Well, you know,
since I just returned
969
00:46:57,458 --> 00:46:59,226
from active duty
in the Civil War
970
00:46:59,251 --> 00:47:00,686
that actually
sounds very appealing.
971
00:47:00,711 --> 00:47:01,980
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
972
00:47:02,005 --> 00:47:05,175
That was 150 years ago
and I don't give a shit.
973
00:47:05,675 --> 00:47:06,885
Okay.
974
00:47:09,304 --> 00:47:09,996
Teddy,
come on,
975
00:47:10,021 --> 00:47:12,072
we're going to be late
for dinner with your friends.
976
00:47:12,097 --> 00:47:13,657
Okay, be there
in a second, baby.
977
00:47:13,682 --> 00:47:15,994
As you can see, my dance
card is quite full.
978
00:47:16,018 --> 00:47:17,686
So, I'm going to
have to decline.
979
00:47:17,853 --> 00:47:19,146
Can I just get a hug?
980
00:47:19,521 --> 00:47:21,483
Oh, uh. No.
981
00:47:21,650 --> 00:47:23,193
- Yeah.
- No, no.
982
00:47:23,360 --> 00:47:25,101
And it kills me to
have to tell you no,
983
00:47:25,126 --> 00:47:26,387
because I'm
a people pleaser.
984
00:47:26,528 --> 00:47:27,614
Yeah.
985
00:47:27,780 --> 00:47:29,657
Thank you for
creeping up my night.
986
00:47:29,824 --> 00:47:31,509
- And Jesus be with you...
- Okay.
987
00:47:31,534 --> 00:47:32,534
...in Christ.
988
00:47:34,161 --> 00:47:35,597
Who was that guy?
989
00:47:35,621 --> 00:47:37,389
That was
Sinead O'Connor.
990
00:47:37,414 --> 00:47:38,708
She don't look
so good no more.
991
00:47:44,922 --> 00:47:46,315
See.
I was all pissed off
992
00:47:46,340 --> 00:47:47,608
'cause me and my
friend Danielle
993
00:47:47,634 --> 00:47:49,693
was supposed to go
skydiving last year,
994
00:47:49,719 --> 00:47:51,831
but then she got pregnant
from this asshole guy,
995
00:47:51,856 --> 00:47:52,822
and so we couldn't go.
996
00:47:52,847 --> 00:47:54,181
And I was all upset.
997
00:47:54,349 --> 00:47:56,701
But then
she had a miscarriage
998
00:47:56,726 --> 00:47:58,661
and so, we ended up
getting to go skydiving.
999
00:47:58,686 --> 00:47:59,889
And it was so scary,
1000
00:47:59,916 --> 00:48:01,840
but it was,
like, so much fun.
1001
00:48:02,106 --> 00:48:04,608
Hey, well, sounds like
everything worked out then, huh?
1002
00:48:04,775 --> 00:48:05,985
I know!
1003
00:48:06,012 --> 00:48:09,639
You know, it's like God wanted
me to go skydiving, you know?
1004
00:48:09,822 --> 00:48:10,824
Jesus.
1005
00:48:11,157 --> 00:48:12,161
Or Jesus.
Him, too.
1006
00:48:12,186 --> 00:48:13,050
Could be him.
1007
00:48:13,076 --> 00:48:14,077
Yeah.
1008
00:48:14,369 --> 00:48:15,175
How great is this?
1009
00:48:15,201 --> 00:48:16,429
The 4 of us out to dinner.
1010
00:48:16,454 --> 00:48:18,206
How long have we been saying
we were going to...
1011
00:48:18,373 --> 00:48:19,360
Lori, how you doing?
1012
00:48:19,385 --> 00:48:21,184
I haven't talked
to you in forever.
1013
00:48:21,208 --> 00:48:23,018
I'm good. I'm good.
1014
00:48:23,043 --> 00:48:25,688
The company's having their 20th
anniversary party next week.
1015
00:48:25,713 --> 00:48:27,340
So, that's something.
1016
00:48:27,632 --> 00:48:29,775
Lori's a senior VP at a big,
huge PR firm.
1017
00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:31,610
It's not that
big of a deal.
1018
00:48:31,635 --> 00:48:32,961
Company's turning 20,
huh?
1019
00:48:32,987 --> 00:48:35,503
So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.
1020
00:48:35,889 --> 00:48:37,992
Right?
Yeah, she gets it.
1021
00:48:38,018 --> 00:48:40,394
She enjoys my humor.
1022
00:48:40,978 --> 00:48:43,039
Yeah. I mean, Rex
is having a house party
1023
00:48:43,063 --> 00:48:45,458
but I'm surprised John
didn't tell you, considering
1024
00:48:45,483 --> 00:48:48,760
you 2 have seen each other every
single day since you moved out.
1025
00:48:49,028 --> 00:48:50,168
Well, you know,
it's funny,
1026
00:48:50,195 --> 00:48:52,340
'cause whenever
Johnny and I hang out
1027
00:48:52,364 --> 00:48:54,675
the first item
on our agenda is,
1028
00:48:54,701 --> 00:48:55,909
"What's going on
with Lori?"
1029
00:48:56,077 --> 00:48:58,304
So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.
1030
00:48:58,329 --> 00:48:59,389
That must have
slipped through the cracks.
1031
00:48:59,414 --> 00:49:00,931
Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.
1032
00:49:00,956 --> 00:49:02,809
Yeah, you remember the
other day, I was saying
1033
00:49:02,833 --> 00:49:05,210
how great Lori's
hair always looks.
1034
00:49:05,503 --> 00:49:07,480
Oh, my God,
it always looks so great!
1035
00:49:07,505 --> 00:49:09,481
I always want to
fucking brush it.
1036
00:49:09,507 --> 00:49:10,717
Right, Johnny?
I say that.
1037
00:49:13,635 --> 00:49:15,195
So, Tami-Lynn,
1038
00:49:15,221 --> 00:49:17,614
why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
1039
00:49:17,639 --> 00:49:18,824
Like,
where are you from?
1040
00:49:18,849 --> 00:49:21,518
I'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.
1041
00:49:21,936 --> 00:49:23,579
What do you mean
"girlfriends"?
1042
00:49:23,605 --> 00:49:25,273
Was there a lot of them
or something?
1043
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:27,817
No, that's not what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?
1044
00:49:27,942 --> 00:49:29,525
- Lori, you didn't mean that.
- No, no, no.
1045
00:49:29,652 --> 00:49:31,445
What I meant to say was
Ted's very handsome
1046
00:49:31,820 --> 00:49:33,590
so I'm always
interested in meeting
1047
00:49:33,614 --> 00:49:35,365
the lady that
can snatch him up.
1048
00:49:35,992 --> 00:49:37,260
Did you just
call me a whore?
1049
00:49:37,284 --> 00:49:38,286
What?
1050
00:49:38,452 --> 00:49:40,068
You just worry about
your own "snatch."
1051
00:49:40,092 --> 00:49:41,019
How about that,
honey?
1052
00:49:41,998 --> 00:49:42,769
What the hell happened?
1053
00:49:42,795 --> 00:49:43,974
We're having a
friendly meal here.
1054
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:45,059
This was a nice evening.
1055
00:49:45,085 --> 00:49:46,210
Don't talk shit to me.
1056
00:49:46,376 --> 00:49:47,811
I just asked you
a question.
1057
00:49:47,836 --> 00:49:49,297
You know,
you're a freaking snob.
1058
00:49:49,463 --> 00:49:50,648
You think you're
cool because you work
1059
00:49:50,672 --> 00:49:52,483
at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.
1060
00:49:52,509 --> 00:49:53,474
OK, take it easy.
1061
00:49:53,500 --> 00:49:54,693
Nice, Lori, real nice.
1062
00:49:54,719 --> 00:49:57,030
Me? It's not my fault
she can't speak English.
1063
00:49:57,054 --> 00:49:58,239
Oh, fuck you!
1064
00:49:58,264 --> 00:50:00,291
Just because you're on the
business world and shit you think,
1065
00:50:00,317 --> 00:50:02,242
what, everybody should suck your
asshole, or something?
1066
00:50:02,268 --> 00:50:03,748
OK. All right, Tami,
come on, honey.
1067
00:50:03,773 --> 00:50:04,621
Let's get out of here.
1068
00:50:04,646 --> 00:50:07,039
We'll go back to my place for a
couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.
1069
00:50:07,065 --> 00:50:07,722
You know what?
1070
00:50:07,748 --> 00:50:09,717
Stick your fucking asshole
right up your fucking ass.
1071
00:50:09,818 --> 00:50:10,478
How about that?
1072
00:50:10,505 --> 00:50:12,461
You're lucky I'm in my fucking
restaurant clothes, bitch.
1073
00:50:12,487 --> 00:50:14,297
'Cause I'd kick your
fucking ass right now.
1074
00:50:14,322 --> 00:50:15,590
I gave birth once,
bitch.
1075
00:50:15,614 --> 00:50:16,907
I could kick
your fucking ass.
1076
00:50:17,157 --> 00:50:18,364
And you better
never show your face
1077
00:50:18,389 --> 00:50:19,302
around Quincy,
you hear me?
1078
00:50:19,327 --> 00:50:20,594
- Okay, come on.
- Ever!
1079
00:50:20,619 --> 00:50:22,329
I didn't know you had a baby.
Is it alive?
1080
00:50:24,039 --> 00:50:25,208
What a cunt.
1081
00:50:25,375 --> 00:50:27,059
I hate that word!
1082
00:50:27,085 --> 00:50:28,228
- What?
- That word.
1083
00:50:28,253 --> 00:50:29,813
It's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword
1084
00:50:29,838 --> 00:50:31,021
slashing
everything in its path.
1085
00:50:31,047 --> 00:50:32,356
Why would you say that?
1086
00:50:32,382 --> 00:50:34,175
You didn't exactly
stand up for me.
1087
00:50:34,384 --> 00:50:35,943
I'm trying to
walk a line, here.
1088
00:50:35,969 --> 00:50:37,320
I want to be fair to you
and to him, you know?
1089
00:50:37,344 --> 00:50:39,239
I think you're being a
little more fair to him.
1090
00:50:39,264 --> 00:50:40,389
Oh, come on.
1091
00:50:41,516 --> 00:50:44,893
You know, your boss called this
morning asking me how my arm was.
1092
00:50:46,896 --> 00:50:50,065
Yeah, because of that dog fight
that I tried to break up.
1093
00:50:52,318 --> 00:50:53,545
If I had to make a guess
1094
00:50:53,570 --> 00:50:55,838
I would say that you made
up some bullshit excuse
1095
00:50:55,864 --> 00:50:57,297
to get out of work
to go to Ted's.
1096
00:50:57,623 --> 00:50:59,701
Now, am I right?
1097
00:51:01,244 --> 00:51:02,469
I made you out to
be a hero.
1098
00:51:02,494 --> 00:51:03,887
You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out
1099
00:51:03,913 --> 00:51:05,456
so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.
1100
00:51:05,706 --> 00:51:07,583
You're not giving
anything a chance
1101
00:51:07,708 --> 00:51:08,858
if you keep
blowing off work
1102
00:51:08,884 --> 00:51:10,277
to get high with
your teddy bear.
1103
00:51:11,628 --> 00:51:13,255
You're right.
1104
00:51:13,965 --> 00:51:15,385
I've been getting
stoned too much.
1105
00:51:15,411 --> 00:51:16,175
I know that.
1106
00:51:16,317 --> 00:51:18,596
I've been bumming around
with Ted too much.
1107
00:51:18,621 --> 00:51:19,528
I know that, too.
1108
00:51:19,554 --> 00:51:20,744
You give me
one more chance,
1109
00:51:20,769 --> 00:51:22,030
I promise I can fix it.
1110
00:51:22,891 --> 00:51:24,141
John,
I need a man.
1111
00:51:24,168 --> 00:51:26,577
Not a little boy
with a teddy bear.
1112
00:51:26,603 --> 00:51:27,612
I know, done. Man.
1113
00:51:27,639 --> 00:51:29,914
Right here,
in front of you, all right?
1114
00:51:29,938 --> 00:51:31,195
Look at these pecs.
1115
00:51:31,221 --> 00:51:32,583
These are man pecs.
1116
00:51:32,608 --> 00:51:35,068
Look at the hair on my upper lip.
That's man hair.
1117
00:51:36,153 --> 00:51:36,916
I just farted.
1118
00:51:36,942 --> 00:51:38,139
That was a man fart.
1119
00:51:45,288 --> 00:51:47,068
Fine, John,
but this is,
1120
00:51:47,094 --> 00:51:49,692
I swear to God,
your last chance.
1121
00:51:50,126 --> 00:51:51,460
Trust me. I love you.
1122
00:51:51,793 --> 00:51:53,128
All right, I love you.
1123
00:51:53,295 --> 00:51:54,152
I love you so much.
1124
00:51:54,179 --> 00:51:55,530
You won't be sorry,
I swear.
1125
00:51:56,465 --> 00:51:57,800
Did you really
just fart?
1126
00:51:57,967 --> 00:52:00,052
Yeah, but I pushed it
that way with my hand.
1127
00:52:00,969 --> 00:52:02,822
I wonder who it's
going to hit first.
1128
00:52:02,847 --> 00:52:04,681
So, if I told him once,
I told him a million times
1129
00:52:04,806 --> 00:52:07,702
these numbers
do not add up.
1130
00:52:07,726 --> 00:52:09,661
Who did this to us?
1131
00:52:09,686 --> 00:52:13,106
God damn it!
I'm here on business!
1132
00:52:17,195 --> 00:52:18,862
All right,
here we go.
1133
00:52:22,157 --> 00:52:23,635
I'm really glad
that you came.
1134
00:52:23,659 --> 00:52:24,969
- Me, too.
- Yeah?
1135
00:52:24,994 --> 00:52:27,096
Is it okay if I kick
your boss's ass?
1136
00:52:27,121 --> 00:52:29,239
That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?
1137
00:52:29,264 --> 00:52:30,807
Please play nice.
1138
00:52:30,833 --> 00:52:32,059
For you, I will.
1139
00:52:32,085 --> 00:52:33,643
- Thank you.
- Anything.
1140
00:52:36,297 --> 00:52:37,036
There she is.
1141
00:52:37,161 --> 00:52:39,025
I was worried
you weren't coming.
1142
00:52:39,050 --> 00:52:40,237
Hey, squirt,
how you doing?
1143
00:52:40,264 --> 00:52:41,793
Where's your bunny rabbit?
1144
00:52:41,969 --> 00:52:43,028
He's a bear.
1145
00:52:43,054 --> 00:52:44,431
Got it.
Oh, my God!
1146
00:52:44,456 --> 00:52:46,532
This house is fucking huge!
1147
00:52:46,556 --> 00:52:48,237
I know.
Try not to get lost.
1148
00:52:48,264 --> 00:52:49,043
Come on in.
1149
00:53:00,445 --> 00:53:02,532
Wow!
Here are the ladies.
1150
00:53:02,699 --> 00:53:03,875
Look at you guys.
1151
00:53:03,900 --> 00:53:05,559
You guys look amazing.
1152
00:53:05,702 --> 00:53:06,963
A little heavy
on the eye makeup,
1153
00:53:07,090 --> 00:53:07,769
but pretty good.
1154
00:53:07,911 --> 00:53:09,054
- Thank you, Rex.
- Thank you.
1155
00:53:09,079 --> 00:53:10,181
You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?
1156
00:53:10,206 --> 00:53:11,306
John.
1157
00:53:11,331 --> 00:53:12,625
- You guys remember John.
- Hi.
1158
00:53:12,875 --> 00:53:16,920
Listen, why don't John and I
go get a drink at the bar?
1159
00:53:17,746 --> 00:53:18,547
Sure.
1160
00:53:18,672 --> 00:53:20,182
Great,
we'll be right back.
1161
00:53:20,208 --> 00:53:21,159
Come on, buddy.
1162
00:53:22,552 --> 00:53:24,387
It's an old sweater,
huh?
1163
00:53:24,762 --> 00:53:27,114
This house is
unbelievable.
1164
00:53:27,139 --> 00:53:28,324
Haven't you
been here before?
1165
00:53:28,349 --> 00:53:29,409
What do you mean?
1166
00:53:29,434 --> 00:53:31,744
You know,
when you and Rex were...
1167
00:53:31,768 --> 00:53:33,663
Oh, no.
That was at work.
1168
00:53:33,688 --> 00:53:35,873
You guys did it
in the office?
1169
00:53:35,898 --> 00:53:37,625
- Yeah.
- Where?
1170
00:53:37,650 --> 00:53:39,085
In the men's room.
1171
00:53:39,110 --> 00:53:40,670
Oh, my God.
1172
00:53:40,695 --> 00:53:42,530
Why? Where did you
sleep with him?
1173
00:53:42,697 --> 00:53:44,324
Here.
1174
00:53:46,117 --> 00:53:47,744
Sorry.
1175
00:53:48,119 --> 00:53:50,179
It was in
the handicapped stall,
1176
00:53:50,204 --> 00:53:53,333
so it was nicer than
the regular stalls.
1177
00:53:54,876 --> 00:53:56,978
This is Wade Boggs'
autographed bat.
1178
00:53:57,003 --> 00:53:59,688
I just barely outbid Phil
Donahue for that at auction.
1179
00:53:59,713 --> 00:54:00,815
Wow, cool.
1180
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:02,858
Yeah, cool.
1181
00:54:02,884 --> 00:54:05,969
These boxing gloves were worn by
Joe Louis in his first fight.
1182
00:54:07,054 --> 00:54:09,056
This is art.
Get it?
1183
00:54:11,893 --> 00:54:13,702
These were
John Lennon's glasses.
1184
00:54:13,728 --> 00:54:15,538
They're worth,
like, a million dollars.
1185
00:54:15,563 --> 00:54:17,023
That's me
and Tom Skerritt.
1186
00:54:18,358 --> 00:54:19,817
Check this out.
1187
00:54:20,985 --> 00:54:23,211
It's Lance Armstrong's nut.
1188
00:54:23,237 --> 00:54:24,989
I had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.
1189
00:54:25,655 --> 00:54:27,175
Every now and then
when my life's
1190
00:54:27,199 --> 00:54:29,409
getting me down
and things are tough,
1191
00:54:29,577 --> 00:54:32,538
I just come up here
and I look at it.
1192
00:54:33,831 --> 00:54:37,376
And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.
1193
00:54:39,253 --> 00:54:41,213
Sometimes you feel
like a nut.
1194
00:54:42,172 --> 00:54:43,800
Sometimes you don't.
1195
00:54:45,467 --> 00:54:49,155
So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How
are things with you and Lori?
1196
00:54:49,179 --> 00:54:50,739
Things are great,
actually.
1197
00:54:50,764 --> 00:54:53,016
That's great.
That is great.
1198
00:54:54,434 --> 00:54:57,121
You know, Lori would
hate me for saying this,
1199
00:54:57,146 --> 00:54:59,356
but she told me how
you are at the office.
1200
00:54:59,523 --> 00:55:01,250
And, as one gentleman to
another, I just want to say
1201
00:55:01,275 --> 00:55:03,527
I really hope you fucking
get Lou Gehrig's disease.
1202
00:55:07,030 --> 00:55:09,367
I think I need to clear
the air here a little.
1203
00:55:09,534 --> 00:55:12,702
Yeah, I'm kind of a
fun-time boss and what-not.
1204
00:55:12,869 --> 00:55:15,847
But, look, man, I do that
with everybody at the office.
1205
00:55:15,873 --> 00:55:17,099
I'm a kook.
1206
00:55:17,125 --> 00:55:19,226
I have no designs
on your girlfriend.
1207
00:55:19,251 --> 00:55:21,295
We work together,
and that's it.
1208
00:55:21,420 --> 00:55:25,215
I think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.
1209
00:55:26,884 --> 00:55:28,235
Well, that's good to hear.
1210
00:55:28,260 --> 00:55:29,469
Yeah.
1211
00:55:31,431 --> 00:55:32,472
Excuse me.
1212
00:55:33,349 --> 00:55:34,409
Hey, Ted.
1213
00:55:34,434 --> 00:55:36,702
Johnny, where are you? You
got to get over here, man.
1214
00:55:36,726 --> 00:55:37,786
Why, what's going on?
1215
00:55:37,811 --> 00:55:39,204
Okay, so I'm having
a little impromptu thing
1216
00:55:39,230 --> 00:55:40,623
with some people
at my apartment.
1217
00:55:40,648 --> 00:55:42,942
And, John,
Sam Jones is here.
1218
00:55:43,358 --> 00:55:44,418
What?
1219
00:55:44,443 --> 00:55:47,505
Sam Jones.
Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.
1220
00:55:47,530 --> 00:55:48,755
Holy shit! What?
1221
00:55:48,780 --> 00:55:51,384
You remember I said my buddy's
cousin is friends with Sam Jones?
1222
00:55:51,409 --> 00:55:52,885
My buddy's in town
with his cousin,
1223
00:55:52,909 --> 00:55:54,744
and who do you think is with him?
Sam Jones.
1224
00:55:54,911 --> 00:55:57,472
Sam Jones is here,
and, John,
1225
00:55:57,498 --> 00:56:00,083
his hair is
parted down the middle.
1226
00:56:00,585 --> 00:56:01,936
Just like in the movie.
1227
00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:04,380
Yes. Get over here
right now.
1228
00:56:04,547 --> 00:56:05,856
Fuck, I can't!
1229
00:56:05,882 --> 00:56:07,757
I'm with Lori here.
I'm already on probation.
1230
00:56:10,094 --> 00:56:11,278
I can't.
1231
00:56:11,304 --> 00:56:14,739
John, Flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our formative years.
1232
00:56:14,764 --> 00:56:17,201
He taught us right from
wrong, good from evil.
1233
00:56:17,226 --> 00:56:19,077
And that the word
"acting" apparently
1234
00:56:19,103 --> 00:56:20,855
has an extremely
broad definition.
1235
00:56:21,021 --> 00:56:24,291
Flash Gordon is the symbol
of our friendship, John.
1236
00:56:24,317 --> 00:56:26,443
Come share this with me.
1237
00:56:27,402 --> 00:56:28,695
I'm coming.
1238
00:56:29,237 --> 00:56:31,114
Rex, I got to go.
1239
00:56:31,907 --> 00:56:34,217
I'll be back in 30 minutes,
tops, okay?
1240
00:56:34,242 --> 00:56:36,867
But Lori cannot find out. She
absolutely cannot know I was gone.
1241
00:56:37,288 --> 00:56:39,998
If you can cover for me, I'm
cool with all that other shit.
1242
00:56:40,625 --> 00:56:43,001
I got your back on this. She won't know.
I've been there.
1243
00:56:43,168 --> 00:56:44,769
All right, this is
one man to another.
1244
00:56:44,795 --> 00:56:46,938
I don't really know you, but
I'm trusting you, as a man.
1245
00:56:46,963 --> 00:56:48,007
This is serious.
1246
00:56:48,298 --> 00:56:52,052
Dude, one man to another.
I got you on this.
1247
00:56:52,219 --> 00:56:54,304
Thank you.
I'll be back.
1248
00:56:55,806 --> 00:56:57,849
I'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.
1249
00:57:39,516 --> 00:57:41,309
Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.
1250
00:57:41,476 --> 00:57:43,161
Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon?
1251
00:57:43,186 --> 00:57:44,246
Okay, get ready.
1252
00:57:44,271 --> 00:57:46,690
Hey, Sam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.
1253
00:57:54,197 --> 00:57:55,199
Flash!
1254
00:57:57,909 --> 00:57:59,536
Savior of the universe!
1255
00:58:07,545 --> 00:58:08,545
Flash!
1256
00:58:10,880 --> 00:58:12,382
He'll save every one of us!
1257
00:58:15,885 --> 00:58:19,931
Just a man
with a man's courage
1258
00:58:21,224 --> 00:58:24,144
He knows nothing but a man
1259
00:58:24,936 --> 00:58:27,273
But he can never fail
1260
00:58:29,065 --> 00:58:34,405
No one but the pure in heart
Can find the golden grail
1261
00:58:47,960 --> 00:58:49,586
How you doing?
Good to meet you.
1262
00:58:50,963 --> 00:58:53,190
I thank you for
saving every one of us.
1263
00:58:53,215 --> 00:58:54,257
Well, you're welcome.
1264
00:58:54,634 --> 00:58:55,967
He acknowledged it.
1265
00:58:56,135 --> 00:58:57,235
Let's do some shots.
1266
00:58:57,260 --> 00:58:58,304
With you?
1267
00:58:58,471 --> 00:59:00,530
Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God, yes!
1268
00:59:00,556 --> 00:59:01,599
Let's go!
1269
00:59:05,518 --> 00:59:06,621
Thanks, Flash.
1270
00:59:06,646 --> 00:59:08,271
There you go, my friend.
Thank you.
1271
00:59:08,481 --> 00:59:10,315
Death to Ming!
1272
00:59:10,815 --> 00:59:11,983
Yes!
1273
00:59:14,778 --> 00:59:16,322
You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.
1274
00:59:16,489 --> 00:59:17,989
You like to party?
1275
00:59:20,742 --> 00:59:21,802
Cocaine, right?
1276
00:59:21,827 --> 00:59:22,577
Come on, dudes.
1277
00:59:22,601 --> 00:59:24,646
Don't tell me you
never done it before.
1278
00:59:25,164 --> 00:59:27,333
Not recently, no.
1279
00:59:27,500 --> 00:59:29,393
I thought that was just
for people in Florida.
1280
00:59:29,418 --> 00:59:30,628
You better follow me.
1281
00:59:30,795 --> 00:59:31,978
Come on.
1282
00:59:32,003 --> 00:59:33,630
Johnny, I'm frightened.
1283
00:59:42,514 --> 00:59:45,201
We are going to
party like the '80s.
1284
00:59:45,226 --> 00:59:46,452
Show us how, Flash.
1285
00:59:46,476 --> 00:59:47,786
It's easy.
1286
00:59:47,811 --> 00:59:50,246
We just gotta nail a lot
of girls named Stephanie.
1287
00:59:50,271 --> 00:59:52,333
God, Johnny,
I got so much energy.
1288
00:59:52,358 --> 00:59:54,150
We better start
doing stupid shit.
1289
01:00:02,702 --> 01:00:04,052
Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to
1290
01:00:04,077 --> 01:00:05,346
get serious about
opening a restaurant
1291
01:00:05,371 --> 01:00:06,429
we got to start
planning it now.
1292
01:00:06,454 --> 01:00:07,681
- Italian.
- Italian, yes.
1293
01:00:07,706 --> 01:00:09,474
- What's the special on Tuesdays?
- Eggplant parm.
1294
01:00:09,500 --> 01:00:10,601
Chopped salad,
half price.
1295
01:00:10,626 --> 01:00:11,851
And it's
a non-restricted place.
1296
01:00:11,876 --> 01:00:13,813
- Yeah. What do you mean?
- Anybody can come.
1297
01:00:13,838 --> 01:00:15,313
- Of course.
- Jews are welcome.
1298
01:00:15,338 --> 01:00:16,481
Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?
1299
01:00:16,507 --> 01:00:17,650
Exactly,
that's what I'm saying.
1300
01:00:17,675 --> 01:00:18,818
Why even bring that up?
1301
01:00:18,842 --> 01:00:20,110
You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.
1302
01:00:20,135 --> 01:00:21,653
- Why mention it?
- No one will.
1303
01:00:21,679 --> 01:00:22,780
Why are we
talking about it?
1304
01:00:22,804 --> 01:00:23,467
You're talking about it.
1305
01:00:23,492 --> 01:00:24,322
I'm just saying,
let them in.
1306
01:00:24,347 --> 01:00:25,503
Let them in.
Right. Okay.
1307
01:00:25,528 --> 01:00:26,242
Exactly. Good.
1308
01:00:26,266 --> 01:00:27,268
No Mexicans, though.
1309
01:00:30,353 --> 01:00:32,231
This is how everybody
sang in the '90s.
1310
01:00:44,034 --> 01:00:46,077
- Trust me, I can do this.
- Shut up.
1311
01:00:46,244 --> 01:00:47,413
Let him try it, man.
1312
01:00:47,538 --> 01:00:48,748
All right, fuck it.
1313
01:00:52,251 --> 01:00:54,210
Go, go, go!
1314
01:01:02,719 --> 01:01:04,112
You son of a bitch!
1315
01:01:04,137 --> 01:01:06,306
Well, you never should have trusted me.
I'm on drugs.
1316
01:01:15,231 --> 01:01:17,126
Hey, Johnny,
I just had a great idea.
1317
01:01:17,150 --> 01:01:19,628
Let's go get drunk and puke
on cars from the overpass.
1318
01:01:19,652 --> 01:01:22,739
Come on, I do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.
1319
01:01:25,701 --> 01:01:27,827
You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.
1320
01:01:34,876 --> 01:01:38,047
A-E-I-O-U
1321
01:01:40,257 --> 01:01:43,485
See? There, proof. Garfield's
eyes look like a pair of tits.
1322
01:01:43,510 --> 01:01:44,570
You were right.
1323
01:01:44,594 --> 01:01:47,219
If you can punch through this wall,
you really are Flash Gordon.
1324
01:01:47,347 --> 01:01:48,449
Are you going to do it?
1325
01:01:48,474 --> 01:01:49,474
I'm going to
punch through it.
1326
01:01:49,641 --> 01:01:50,934
- Come on, Sam, do it!
- Do it!
1327
01:01:51,936 --> 01:01:53,938
Oh, my God!
1328
01:01:55,356 --> 01:01:56,690
Yes! He did it!
1329
01:01:58,108 --> 01:01:59,192
What the hell you problem?
1330
01:01:59,318 --> 01:02:01,945
You break my wall!
I break you wall!
1331
01:02:06,407 --> 01:02:07,467
Break his arm off!
1332
01:02:07,492 --> 01:02:09,286
We're going to die.
We're all going to die.
1333
01:02:09,411 --> 01:02:10,929
Break this up,
break this up.
1334
01:02:10,954 --> 01:02:11,956
Get him!
1335
01:02:13,164 --> 01:02:16,101
You break my wall!
This my home long time.
1336
01:02:16,126 --> 01:02:17,978
You break my wall,
you bastard men.
1337
01:02:18,003 --> 01:02:19,438
We're sorry,
it was an accident, OK?
1338
01:02:19,463 --> 01:02:22,148
I try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.
1339
01:02:22,173 --> 01:02:23,793
Chill out. Can we
just talk about this?
1340
01:02:23,818 --> 01:02:24,952
What's your name?
I'm John.
1341
01:02:25,094 --> 01:02:26,554
My name is Wan Ming.
1342
01:02:26,846 --> 01:02:27,887
Ming?
1343
01:02:28,054 --> 01:02:29,864
You pay many dollar
for wall!
1344
01:02:29,889 --> 01:02:32,601
This bullshit!
This all bullshit!
1345
01:02:32,768 --> 01:02:34,769
Death to Ming!
1346
01:02:58,376 --> 01:02:59,503
Rape!
1347
01:03:02,213 --> 01:03:03,257
Sam, let him go.
1348
01:03:08,762 --> 01:03:10,889
You crazy!
You crazy, man!
1349
01:03:11,306 --> 01:03:12,766
Come on, James Franco.
1350
01:03:15,894 --> 01:03:18,021
You pay for wall!
1351
01:03:18,355 --> 01:03:19,856
Move, sucker!
1352
01:03:37,583 --> 01:03:39,626
Greatest night ever!
1353
01:03:50,471 --> 01:03:51,679
Hey.
1354
01:03:51,972 --> 01:03:53,014
Hey, Guy.
1355
01:03:53,222 --> 01:03:54,641
What's going on?
1356
01:03:55,559 --> 01:03:56,329
This is Jared.
1357
01:03:56,355 --> 01:03:58,003
He's the guy
who beat me up.
1358
01:03:58,394 --> 01:03:59,896
And we're in love.
1359
01:04:01,940 --> 01:04:04,777
Turns out I'm gay,
or whatever.
1360
01:04:05,568 --> 01:04:06,612
I had no idea.
1361
01:04:07,820 --> 01:04:10,990
Hey, Jared, let's go grab
another one of these.
1362
01:04:14,536 --> 01:04:15,663
How we doing, ace?
1363
01:04:16,163 --> 01:04:17,456
You coming down?
1364
01:04:17,623 --> 01:04:19,458
Yeah, I don't feel so good.
1365
01:04:19,625 --> 01:04:22,585
Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, Ponyboy.
1366
01:04:23,086 --> 01:04:24,380
You want a Xanax?
1367
01:04:25,965 --> 01:04:27,231
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
1368
01:04:27,257 --> 01:04:28,257
What?
1369
01:04:29,425 --> 01:04:31,094
I got to go.
1370
01:04:39,143 --> 01:04:40,186
Lori, I...
1371
01:04:41,605 --> 01:04:42,773
Lori!
1372
01:04:44,650 --> 01:04:46,943
Lori, wait, please.
1373
01:04:47,820 --> 01:04:49,755
Look, I'm sorry,
I messed up...
1374
01:04:49,780 --> 01:04:51,657
John, I need you out of
the apartment tonight.
1375
01:04:52,115 --> 01:04:53,592
Can I... Just give
me the car keys.
1376
01:04:53,617 --> 01:04:55,494
Can I please just explain?
No.
1377
01:04:55,702 --> 01:04:56,762
Look, I was...
1378
01:04:56,786 --> 01:04:59,206
I have given up a huge
chunk of my life for you.
1379
01:04:59,373 --> 01:05:02,001
I was going to stop in for like five
minutes and then Flash Gordon...
1380
01:05:02,166 --> 01:05:04,128
Just give me
the car keys.
1381
01:05:14,471 --> 01:05:15,764
Lori.
1382
01:05:16,139 --> 01:05:17,682
Lori, please, I love you.
1383
01:05:31,487 --> 01:05:34,257
Johnny, there you are.
I had to get some air.
1384
01:05:34,282 --> 01:05:36,427
That guy from your office
is in there on the couch
1385
01:05:36,452 --> 01:05:38,579
making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.
1386
01:05:38,829 --> 01:05:41,204
You know what? Fuck you. I don't
even want to talk to you.
1387
01:05:41,706 --> 01:05:42,807
What?
1388
01:05:42,833 --> 01:05:45,143
Do you know
what just happened?
1389
01:05:45,168 --> 01:05:46,266
Do you have any clue?
1390
01:05:46,293 --> 01:05:47,871
My fucking life just ended!
1391
01:05:48,255 --> 01:05:49,815
Come on.
She'll go home,
1392
01:05:49,840 --> 01:05:51,800
she'll watch Bridget Jones
- something-asshole.
1393
01:05:51,824 --> 01:05:54,235
She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.
1394
01:05:54,260 --> 01:05:56,130
Come on upstairs.
Are you even listening to me?
1395
01:05:56,155 --> 01:05:58,282
Do you give any
shred of a shit?
1396
01:05:59,349 --> 01:06:01,159
Of course I do, Johnny.
1397
01:06:01,184 --> 01:06:03,119
"Thunder buddies
for life," remember?
1398
01:06:03,144 --> 01:06:05,789
Jesus! Lori was right.
1399
01:06:05,813 --> 01:06:08,231
I should have stopped hanging
out with you a long time ago.
1400
01:06:08,358 --> 01:06:10,277
I'm never going to have
a life with you around.
1401
01:06:10,443 --> 01:06:12,963
I'm 35 years old
and I'm going nowhere.
1402
01:06:12,987 --> 01:06:16,507
All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.
1403
01:06:16,532 --> 01:06:19,036
Because of that,
I just lost the love of my life.
1404
01:06:19,786 --> 01:06:21,163
Johnny, I'm...
1405
01:06:21,329 --> 01:06:22,456
I'm sorry.
1406
01:06:22,623 --> 01:06:23,791
I gotta be on my own,
Ted.
1407
01:06:23,916 --> 01:06:25,284
I can't see you anymore.
1408
01:06:27,668 --> 01:06:29,797
John, wait. Listen.
1409
01:06:30,172 --> 01:06:32,298
I love you!
1410
01:07:31,483 --> 01:07:34,987
So, word through the
grapevine is that you're
1411
01:07:35,112 --> 01:07:36,295
newly solo.
1412
01:07:36,405 --> 01:07:38,322
Rex, I have a lot of
work I need to get to.
1413
01:07:38,657 --> 01:07:41,802
I have tickets to Norah Jones
at the Hatch Shell tonight
1414
01:07:41,827 --> 01:07:44,454
and I would love it
if you would go with me.
1415
01:07:44,746 --> 01:07:47,748
You're asking me out a week
after I broke up with somebody?
1416
01:07:48,208 --> 01:07:50,434
Look, I'm going to
cut the shit, here.
1417
01:07:50,460 --> 01:07:51,460
Please.
1418
01:07:51,753 --> 01:07:55,148
This is the first time
that you've been single
1419
01:07:55,173 --> 01:07:56,675
in all the years
you've worked here.
1420
01:07:57,342 --> 01:07:59,987
Just go out with me
one time.
1421
01:08:00,012 --> 01:08:01,780
And if you're miserable
and you hate it
1422
01:08:01,804 --> 01:08:06,143
then I promise I will never
even hint at the subject again.
1423
01:08:07,686 --> 01:08:08,686
Please.
1424
01:08:08,936 --> 01:08:10,396
Rex, I don't think
it's smart.
1425
01:08:10,521 --> 01:08:12,708
I'm an asshole,
I know that.
1426
01:08:12,733 --> 01:08:14,126
It worked for me
in high school,
1427
01:08:14,150 --> 01:08:15,652
and it's been
a reflex ever since.
1428
01:08:16,110 --> 01:08:18,279
Lori,
the worst that can happen
1429
01:08:18,654 --> 01:08:21,175
is that you go on
a fun, casual date
1430
01:08:21,199 --> 01:08:23,301
with a guy who
just wants a chance
1431
01:08:23,327 --> 01:08:26,889
to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.
1432
01:08:26,913 --> 01:08:29,307
Plus, you are a huge catch.
1433
01:08:29,332 --> 01:08:31,376
And it's about time someone
treated you that way.
1434
01:08:33,628 --> 01:08:35,631
Fuck it. Fine.
1435
01:08:35,796 --> 01:08:38,065
Fine. It sure as hell beats crying
myself to sleep every night.
1436
01:08:38,091 --> 01:08:40,359
And if that means
getting you off my back,
1437
01:08:40,385 --> 01:08:41,778
well, that's just a bonus.
1438
01:08:41,802 --> 01:08:43,262
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
1439
01:08:50,854 --> 01:08:53,398
Johnny. It's me.
1440
01:08:53,814 --> 01:08:54,858
Go away.
1441
01:08:55,192 --> 01:08:57,903
Johnny, open the door,
please, I want to talk.
1442
01:09:07,621 --> 01:09:09,664
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?
1443
01:09:09,831 --> 01:09:12,042
Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know
you're pissed, all right?
1444
01:09:12,208 --> 01:09:14,211
But just listen to me
for five seconds.
1445
01:09:14,418 --> 01:09:16,646
I saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.
1446
01:09:16,671 --> 01:09:17,730
What?
1447
01:09:17,756 --> 01:09:19,149
I'm serious, John.
I went over to talk to her
1448
01:09:19,173 --> 01:09:20,859
and maybe take some
of the heat off you.
1449
01:09:20,884 --> 01:09:22,319
And there he was,
picking her up.
1450
01:09:22,344 --> 01:09:23,819
They were going
to the Hatch Shell.
1451
01:09:23,845 --> 01:09:25,822
You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?
1452
01:09:25,846 --> 01:09:27,490
How stupid
do you think I am?
1453
01:09:27,515 --> 01:09:29,076
If you think that by
making shit like that up
1454
01:09:29,100 --> 01:09:31,118
you're going to make me choose
some kind of loyalty to you
1455
01:09:31,144 --> 01:09:32,371
over her you're out
of your fucking mind.
1456
01:09:32,395 --> 01:09:34,622
Johnny, it's the truth,
I'm telling you.
1457
01:09:34,648 --> 01:09:36,565
You know what?
Get out of here.
1458
01:09:37,525 --> 01:09:39,944
You know what? You're acting like a cock.
You know that?
1459
01:09:40,112 --> 01:09:41,587
What? I'm acting
like a cock?
1460
01:09:41,613 --> 01:09:42,672
Yes, you are.
1461
01:09:42,698 --> 01:09:44,882
So shut your meat hole for
a second and listen to me.
1462
01:09:44,908 --> 01:09:46,467
Huh?
Meat hole? What?
1463
01:09:46,493 --> 01:09:48,036
That's not right,
is it? No.
1464
01:09:48,203 --> 01:09:50,012
"Pudding hole"?
Is that what they say?
1465
01:09:50,037 --> 01:09:51,162
No, it can't be
that either.
1466
01:09:51,372 --> 01:09:54,626
Because, "How can you have any
pudding if you don't eat your meat?"
1467
01:09:54,792 --> 01:09:56,962
Right? Pink Floyd.
1468
01:09:57,128 --> 01:09:59,021
Look, the point is,
you're blaming me
1469
01:09:59,046 --> 01:10:00,798
for something that
you did to yourself.
1470
01:10:01,466 --> 01:10:02,676
Lori was right about you.
1471
01:10:02,842 --> 01:10:06,470
You cannot take responsibility for
anything that goes on in your life.
1472
01:10:06,637 --> 01:10:07,738
Oh, and you can?
1473
01:10:07,764 --> 01:10:10,016
I don't have to.
I'm a fucking teddy bear.
1474
01:10:10,475 --> 01:10:13,703
You know something? I didn't tie
you up and drag you to that party.
1475
01:10:13,729 --> 01:10:16,747
I wanted you to come because
you're supposedly my best friend.
1476
01:10:16,773 --> 01:10:18,000
You can't stand there
and tell me
1477
01:10:18,024 --> 01:10:20,127
that you haven't always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship.
1478
01:10:20,152 --> 01:10:21,586
It works out
so much better for you
1479
01:10:21,610 --> 01:10:22,962
when you and I are
getting fucked up
1480
01:10:22,988 --> 01:10:24,238
on the couch at 9:00
A.M., doesn't it?
1481
01:10:24,530 --> 01:10:25,614
Listen to yourself.
1482
01:10:25,782 --> 01:10:28,327
What am I? Emperor Ming,
here, controlling your mind?
1483
01:10:28,493 --> 01:10:30,078
That's your choice, John.
1484
01:10:30,287 --> 01:10:32,055
And by blaming me,
you, you're just
1485
01:10:32,079 --> 01:10:33,707
making yourself
look like a pussy.
1486
01:10:36,335 --> 01:10:38,145
Sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning
1487
01:10:38,170 --> 01:10:39,395
when I was eight years old.
1488
01:10:39,421 --> 01:10:41,131
I wish I had just
gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
1489
01:10:42,716 --> 01:10:44,259
Say that one more time.
1490
01:10:44,676 --> 01:10:47,554
Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!
1491
01:11:10,827 --> 01:11:11,912
Shit!
1492
01:11:16,166 --> 01:11:17,250
Fuck, man!
1493
01:12:02,128 --> 01:12:03,796
Fuck! Cocksucker!
1494
01:12:05,131 --> 01:12:06,841
Fucking stop! Fuck!
1495
01:12:19,061 --> 01:12:20,271
Why are you crying?
1496
01:12:20,939 --> 01:12:24,234
My dick is squished
by the TV.
1497
01:12:34,118 --> 01:12:35,912
I'm so sorry, Johnny.
1498
01:12:36,121 --> 01:12:37,581
So am I, man.
1499
01:12:38,122 --> 01:12:39,582
I love you.
1500
01:12:39,748 --> 01:12:41,251
I love you, too.
1501
01:12:41,751 --> 01:12:43,086
Listen.
1502
01:12:43,627 --> 01:12:46,212
You got to let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.
1503
01:12:46,422 --> 01:12:48,925
There's no putting things right.
She fucking hates me.
1504
01:12:49,301 --> 01:12:53,012
No, John.
We can get her back.
1505
01:12:53,220 --> 01:12:54,221
Look,
1506
01:12:55,265 --> 01:12:57,350
you remember
when you were 10,
1507
01:12:57,516 --> 01:13:00,145
and you hit that squirrel
with your BB gun?
1508
01:13:00,311 --> 01:13:02,079
And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,
1509
01:13:02,104 --> 01:13:04,149
we both started crying,
you remember?
1510
01:13:04,315 --> 01:13:05,649
And then we ran up to it
1511
01:13:05,774 --> 01:13:09,945
and we tried to give it CPR,
and it came back to life.
1512
01:13:10,113 --> 01:13:12,006
John, we could
do that again.
1513
01:13:12,032 --> 01:13:13,073
Ted,
1514
01:13:13,283 --> 01:13:15,969
we crushed its ribcage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR.
1515
01:13:15,993 --> 01:13:17,162
It died.
1516
01:13:18,371 --> 01:13:21,416
Come on. We're going
to the Hatch Shell.
1517
01:14:10,297 --> 01:14:11,483
Yeah!
1518
01:14:11,507 --> 01:14:13,277
Thanks. We're going to
take a short break,
1519
01:14:13,301 --> 01:14:14,452
but we'll be
back in a few.
1520
01:14:22,601 --> 01:14:24,246
Play Chopsticks,
you jazzy slut.
1521
01:14:24,270 --> 01:14:25,313
Teddy!
1522
01:14:26,648 --> 01:14:27,666
How are you?
1523
01:14:27,690 --> 01:14:29,376
How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?
1524
01:14:29,400 --> 01:14:31,461
Well, I'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick
1525
01:14:31,485 --> 01:14:34,029
who sold 37 million records,
but I'm hanging in there.
1526
01:14:34,698 --> 01:14:36,173
Half-Indian, but thanks.
1527
01:14:36,198 --> 01:14:37,259
Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.
1528
01:14:37,283 --> 01:14:39,344
Listen, I want you to meet a
good pal of mine, all right?
1529
01:14:39,368 --> 01:14:41,179
John Bennett, Norah Jones.
1530
01:14:41,203 --> 01:14:42,846
Hi, Norah Jones.
1531
01:14:42,872 --> 01:14:45,041
Hey, there, sweaty.
1532
01:14:46,710 --> 01:14:48,019
You ready to
bring down the house?
1533
01:14:48,043 --> 01:14:51,273
Yes, ma'am. Thank you for
the opportunity, Miss...
1534
01:14:51,297 --> 01:14:52,300
Ma'am Jones.
1535
01:14:52,324 --> 01:14:53,324
Thank you.
1536
01:14:53,466 --> 01:14:55,051
Jesus, you look fantastic.
1537
01:14:55,342 --> 01:14:57,779
Well, you're probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed.
1538
01:14:57,804 --> 01:15:01,699
I know, I mean, me and Norah met
back in 2002 at this event for
1539
01:15:01,725 --> 01:15:03,560
this charity that we
were both involved with.
1540
01:15:03,685 --> 01:15:05,453
This wonderful charity,
actually, for kids
1541
01:15:05,478 --> 01:15:06,688
who'd been fucked
by a family member.
1542
01:15:06,895 --> 01:15:09,123
And we... We ended up
hooking up in the back room.
1543
01:15:09,149 --> 01:15:11,333
Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.
1544
01:15:11,359 --> 01:15:14,487
You know, I have written so many
angry letters to Hasbro about that.
1545
01:15:17,198 --> 01:15:18,283
Thank you.
1546
01:15:18,449 --> 01:15:20,260
Now, I'm going to
give my chops a rest
1547
01:15:20,284 --> 01:15:21,786
and bring a friend up
to the stage.
1548
01:15:21,953 --> 01:15:24,139
He's going to sing a
song to a special lady
1549
01:15:24,163 --> 01:15:26,332
in the audience
who he loves very much.
1550
01:15:26,498 --> 01:15:29,418
Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.
1551
01:15:32,630 --> 01:15:34,733
Oh, my God.
1552
01:15:34,757 --> 01:15:36,634
Holy shit!
1553
01:15:40,346 --> 01:15:42,181
I gotta fuck her again.
1554
01:15:43,515 --> 01:15:47,020
Hi, my name is John Bennett,
1555
01:15:47,354 --> 01:15:49,355
and this is
for Lori Collins.
1556
01:15:50,314 --> 01:15:51,524
Because I love you.
1557
01:15:52,692 --> 01:15:56,863
This song always reminds me of the
most important night of my life.
1558
01:15:57,947 --> 01:15:59,532
The night we met.
1559
01:15:59,698 --> 01:16:03,536
This is the theme song
from the movie Octopussy.
1560
01:16:08,291 --> 01:16:14,881
All I wanted was a sweet
distraction For an hour or two
1561
01:16:15,715 --> 01:16:20,136
Had no intention to do
1562
01:16:21,345 --> 01:16:23,347
Still better
than Katy Perry.
1563
01:16:26,475 --> 01:16:30,063
Funny how it
always goes with love
1564
01:16:30,229 --> 01:16:33,774
When you don't look,
you find
1565
01:16:33,942 --> 01:16:37,862
But then
we're two of a kind
1566
01:16:38,822 --> 01:16:41,073
We move as one
1567
01:16:43,076 --> 01:16:46,078
We're an all time high
1568
01:16:46,453 --> 01:16:47,846
You suck,
get off the stage!
1569
01:16:47,872 --> 01:16:49,416
Come on.
Give him a chance.
1570
01:16:52,252 --> 01:16:55,003
Doing so much more
1571
01:16:55,212 --> 01:16:56,296
You're an asshole!
1572
01:16:56,881 --> 01:16:58,173
Than falling...
1573
01:17:02,720 --> 01:17:03,805
Oh, Jesus!
1574
01:17:05,390 --> 01:17:07,057
Someone call an ambulance!
1575
01:17:16,484 --> 01:17:18,127
That was insane.
1576
01:17:18,153 --> 01:17:20,087
Did you see the way the
guy's body hit the ground?
1577
01:17:20,113 --> 01:17:21,738
He was like a ragdoll.
1578
01:17:22,114 --> 01:17:24,175
Yeah, I'd rather
just not talk about it.
1579
01:17:24,199 --> 01:17:25,844
Do you want to go
get a drink after this?
1580
01:17:25,868 --> 01:17:28,846
I feel like I could use one
after seeing a guy almost die.
1581
01:17:28,872 --> 01:17:31,765
No, I think I'd rather just
have you take me home.
1582
01:17:31,791 --> 01:17:33,768
One drink.
Come on.
1583
01:17:33,792 --> 01:17:35,770
No, not really
feeling up to it.
1584
01:17:35,795 --> 01:17:37,689
All right, I get it.
1585
01:17:37,713 --> 01:17:40,774
And, you know,
I don't blame you.
1586
01:17:40,800 --> 01:17:42,444
I mean,
when you think about it,
1587
01:17:42,469 --> 01:17:45,721
it was actually really unfair of
him to embarrass you like that.
1588
01:17:46,930 --> 01:17:49,391
Just to be clear,
I'm not embarrassed.
1589
01:17:49,809 --> 01:17:52,604
Listen, John and I may have our
problems, but at least he tried.
1590
01:17:54,771 --> 01:17:57,774
You know what? I don't feel
like talking to you about this.
1591
01:17:58,275 --> 01:17:59,359
Where are you going?
1592
01:17:59,527 --> 01:18:02,529
Taking a cab.
I'm going home.
1593
01:18:06,826 --> 01:18:08,203
Finally.
1594
01:18:19,338 --> 01:18:20,606
Down here.
1595
01:18:20,631 --> 01:18:22,358
Not looking up your towel.
Swear to God.
1596
01:18:22,382 --> 01:18:24,925
Not looking up your towel. Not
looking at your funny business.
1597
01:18:25,052 --> 01:18:26,679
Ted, what are you
doing here?
1598
01:18:27,514 --> 01:18:28,847
I need to talk to you.
1599
01:18:29,349 --> 01:18:31,493
Listen, if you're here to fight
John's battles for him...
1600
01:18:31,518 --> 01:18:33,453
Look, just let me
talk first, all right?
1601
01:18:33,478 --> 01:18:35,354
And then you can
say whatever you want.
1602
01:18:39,775 --> 01:18:43,505
Look, John loves
you very much,
1603
01:18:43,529 --> 01:18:45,006
more than
anything in the world,
1604
01:18:45,030 --> 01:18:48,076
and he's falling to fucking
pieces without you.
1605
01:18:48,618 --> 01:18:50,552
He knows
he screwed up huge
1606
01:18:50,578 --> 01:18:54,097
but you've got to believe me,
it wasn't all his fault.
1607
01:18:54,122 --> 01:18:57,894
I told him to bail on you that
night at Rex's and he said, "No."
1608
01:18:57,918 --> 01:19:01,922
He said "no," he was going to stay there
with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.
1609
01:19:02,422 --> 01:19:04,466
So, if you just give him
one more chance
1610
01:19:05,092 --> 01:19:08,304
I promise I will leave
and I'll never come back.
1611
01:19:08,470 --> 01:19:10,597
All right?
He'll be all yours.
1612
01:19:11,474 --> 01:19:13,493
Ted, that's
a really nice offer,
1613
01:19:13,518 --> 01:19:15,895
but I don't want
you to do that.
1614
01:19:16,061 --> 01:19:20,065
This is between John and me and
I don't think it can be fixed.
1615
01:19:20,233 --> 01:19:21,609
Yeah, because of me!
1616
01:19:21,734 --> 01:19:25,046
Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.
1617
01:19:25,070 --> 01:19:27,047
But as long as
he's got his teddy bear,
1618
01:19:27,073 --> 01:19:29,199
he's always going to
be a boy.
1619
01:19:31,243 --> 01:19:33,997
He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.
1620
01:19:34,162 --> 01:19:37,750
So, if you go down there
and just talk to him
1621
01:19:37,917 --> 01:19:39,752
I'll be gone
when you get back.
1622
01:19:40,670 --> 01:19:41,962
Forever.
1623
01:19:42,421 --> 01:19:45,399
And, you'll see,
1624
01:19:45,425 --> 01:19:48,427
he'll never be
scared of thunder again.
1625
01:20:32,137 --> 01:20:35,766
"Michelob Ultra
Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."
1626
01:20:35,932 --> 01:20:38,226
My God,
America is imploding.
1627
01:20:47,278 --> 01:20:48,320
Hi, Ted.
1628
01:20:48,945 --> 01:20:49,988
Fuck!
1629
01:21:09,216 --> 01:21:10,510
Lori, what...
1630
01:21:11,010 --> 01:21:12,052
Hey.
1631
01:21:12,220 --> 01:21:13,429
What are you doing here?
1632
01:21:14,012 --> 01:21:15,847
You can thank Ted.
1633
01:21:19,519 --> 01:21:21,729
Should I sit?
1634
01:21:22,188 --> 01:21:24,231
Yeah, if you want.
1635
01:21:24,481 --> 01:21:25,774
Okay.
1636
01:21:27,859 --> 01:21:29,569
So, work's good?
Everything good, there?
1637
01:21:29,737 --> 01:21:32,239
Yeah. Yeah, work's good.
1638
01:21:34,033 --> 01:21:36,577
I guess we can't make
small talk all day, huh?
1639
01:21:37,869 --> 01:21:41,582
If it's okay with you, I just
want to say what I want to say.
1640
01:21:42,708 --> 01:21:44,310
I could sit here and
tell you I'm sorry,
1641
01:21:44,335 --> 01:21:45,853
it was a huge
misunderstanding,
1642
01:21:45,877 --> 01:21:48,422
and I'm ready to change,
1643
01:21:48,547 --> 01:21:50,672
but I don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.
1644
01:21:51,216 --> 01:21:53,552
I'm not going to try to
get you to take me back.
1645
01:21:54,052 --> 01:21:55,154
Why would you?
1646
01:21:55,179 --> 01:21:57,155
I've been a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.
1647
01:21:57,180 --> 01:21:58,807
I don't deserve you.
1648
01:21:59,559 --> 01:22:03,371
I know I didn't take our
relationship seriously but, Lori,
1649
01:22:03,395 --> 01:22:05,230
I do love you more
than life itself.
1650
01:22:07,190 --> 01:22:10,670
All I want is... I just
want to end on good terms.
1651
01:22:10,694 --> 01:22:11,988
I owe that to you.
1652
01:22:12,154 --> 01:22:14,573
I want you to be happy.
You deserve that.
1653
01:22:15,408 --> 01:22:19,369
And I just hope that maybe
we can still be friends.
1654
01:22:21,079 --> 01:22:22,998
Thank you for
being so honest.
1655
01:22:26,085 --> 01:22:28,045
That's pretty much it.
1656
01:22:30,797 --> 01:22:31,923
Thanks for coming by.
1657
01:23:07,627 --> 01:23:10,270
Yeah, as you can see
1658
01:23:10,296 --> 01:23:13,632
you've been a part of our
family for quite some time.
1659
01:23:15,467 --> 01:23:16,778
Welcome home.
1660
01:23:16,802 --> 01:23:18,404
Yeah, it's kind of
funny, actually.
1661
01:23:18,429 --> 01:23:20,806
I got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.
1662
01:23:21,056 --> 01:23:22,809
Is he all mine, Daddy?
1663
01:23:23,434 --> 01:23:26,729
Yes, he is, my little winner.
Yes, he is.
1664
01:23:27,104 --> 01:23:29,247
Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.
1665
01:23:29,273 --> 01:23:31,024
It's almost
Robert's play hour.
1666
01:23:31,234 --> 01:23:33,668
Yeah, I'm guessing you guys
don't have a PS3.
1667
01:23:33,694 --> 01:23:36,610
I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden
horse with a wig" kind of family.
1668
01:23:37,405 --> 01:23:39,050
Yeah.
1669
01:23:39,074 --> 01:23:40,952
No. Yeah. No.
1670
01:23:41,493 --> 01:23:42,494
Yeah.
1671
01:23:50,043 --> 01:23:52,003
Yeah, see,
there's the guy.
1672
01:23:52,296 --> 01:23:55,800
Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.
1673
01:23:55,966 --> 01:23:57,969
You think you're just going to
get away with a kidnapping?
1674
01:23:58,135 --> 01:23:59,529
That's a nice fucking
example you're setting...
1675
01:23:59,554 --> 01:24:00,738
Language!
1676
01:24:00,762 --> 01:24:02,265
Sorry. Sorry.
1677
01:24:07,520 --> 01:24:10,480
You know, Ted,
when I was a little boy,
1678
01:24:12,567 --> 01:24:14,777
I saw you on television.
1679
01:24:14,944 --> 01:24:16,462
And I thought you were
the most amazing,
1680
01:24:16,487 --> 01:24:19,155
most wonderful thing
I'd ever seen. Ever.
1681
01:24:20,283 --> 01:24:25,011
And I asked my dad if I could have
a magical little teddy bear, too.
1682
01:24:25,037 --> 01:24:26,454
And he said, "No."
1683
01:24:26,831 --> 01:24:29,041
Can you just email me
the rest of this story?
1684
01:24:29,417 --> 01:24:31,460
And I was so heartbroken.
1685
01:24:32,168 --> 01:24:34,963
And I promised myself that
if I ever had a son,
1686
01:24:35,131 --> 01:24:40,219
I would never,
ever, ever say no to him.
1687
01:24:42,345 --> 01:24:43,639
Ever.
1688
01:24:43,805 --> 01:24:46,868
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every
once in a while wouldn't hurt.
1689
01:24:46,893 --> 01:24:48,895
Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, Daddy.
1690
01:24:49,436 --> 01:24:52,439
Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.
1691
01:24:56,068 --> 01:24:57,694
Happy playtime.
1692
01:24:59,654 --> 01:25:01,798
Jesus fucking Christ!
1693
01:25:01,823 --> 01:25:03,951
I said a bad word
one time.
1694
01:25:04,743 --> 01:25:06,429
Daddy punished me
for it.
1695
01:25:06,453 --> 01:25:08,706
That's a great story.
I felt like I was there.
1696
01:25:08,914 --> 01:25:10,707
Daddy gave me an ouch.
1697
01:25:11,000 --> 01:25:13,711
Now, I have to
give you an ouch.
1698
01:25:18,757 --> 01:25:21,152
All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.
1699
01:25:21,176 --> 01:25:22,819
What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?
1700
01:25:22,845 --> 01:25:24,322
It's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.
1701
01:25:24,346 --> 01:25:26,323
Yeah, I want to
play a game.
1702
01:25:26,349 --> 01:25:28,451
Good, good. Let's see.
How about we...
1703
01:25:28,475 --> 01:25:30,475
How about we play a little
game of hide and seek?
1704
01:25:30,603 --> 01:25:32,813
I love hide and seek.
I'll hide.
1705
01:25:32,979 --> 01:25:35,207
Now, hang on a sec, there.
1706
01:25:35,231 --> 01:25:38,778
Your dad likes you to show good manners.
Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
1707
01:25:39,110 --> 01:25:41,046
Okay. You hide first.
1708
01:25:41,072 --> 01:25:42,213
Great. Fantastic.
1709
01:25:42,238 --> 01:25:45,801
Okay, now you count to 100, and
then you try to find me, okay?
1710
01:25:45,826 --> 01:25:46,868
Okay.
1711
01:25:48,412 --> 01:25:51,082
Do I need to wash my hands
before I play this game?
1712
01:25:51,791 --> 01:25:55,086
No. That's a weird fucking question.
No, just start counting.
1713
01:25:57,212 --> 01:25:59,297
One, two,
1714
01:26:00,173 --> 01:26:03,636
three, four, five,
1715
01:26:04,345 --> 01:26:06,430
six, seven...
1716
01:26:06,596 --> 01:26:08,765
No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.
1717
01:26:08,932 --> 01:26:12,228
...eight, nine, ten,
1718
01:26:12,895 --> 01:26:16,356
eleven, twelve,
thirteen...
1719
01:27:35,685 --> 01:27:36,729
Hey.
1720
01:27:37,270 --> 01:27:38,521
Hey.
1721
01:27:39,814 --> 01:27:41,108
You walking home
alone, huh?
1722
01:27:41,567 --> 01:27:42,609
Yeah.
1723
01:27:43,944 --> 01:27:45,112
Do you need a lift?
1724
01:27:45,529 --> 01:27:46,671
Oh, I'm okay.
1725
01:27:46,697 --> 01:27:49,365
If I get raped, it'll be my
fault for what I'm wearing.
1726
01:27:50,242 --> 01:27:52,453
Listen, John.
1727
01:27:53,703 --> 01:27:55,956
There's something that I
need to say to you, too.
1728
01:28:11,387 --> 01:28:13,099
Hey.
Hey.
1729
01:28:13,349 --> 01:28:15,016
John, I hope that...
1730
01:28:15,768 --> 01:28:17,936
Listen, I don't want
you to think that...
1731
01:28:21,064 --> 01:28:22,399
Sorry.
1732
01:28:22,899 --> 01:28:25,860
I want us to keep talking
because I think that maybe...
1733
01:28:27,029 --> 01:28:28,130
Go ahead.
1734
01:28:28,154 --> 01:28:29,923
Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.
1735
01:28:29,948 --> 01:28:31,408
John, it's me.
Can you hear me?
1736
01:28:31,908 --> 01:28:34,136
Ted? Listen,
I got to call you back.
1737
01:28:34,161 --> 01:28:36,122
No, John, don't hang up!
I'm in trouble.
1738
01:28:36,538 --> 01:28:37,789
What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?
1739
01:28:37,957 --> 01:28:40,059
They got me. That freaky
guy from the park,
1740
01:28:40,083 --> 01:28:41,810
and that kid who I
think is his son,
1741
01:28:41,836 --> 01:28:43,270
but may also be his lover,
I don't know.
1742
01:28:43,295 --> 01:28:44,630
Slow down.
Where are you?
1743
01:28:46,047 --> 01:28:47,423
I'm not sure, it's...
1744
01:28:48,634 --> 01:28:50,636
Hello? Hello, John?
1745
01:28:52,011 --> 01:28:53,055
Hello?
1746
01:28:53,889 --> 01:28:56,449
You're not a very
polite guest, are you?
1747
01:28:56,475 --> 01:28:57,618
Shit!
1748
01:28:57,643 --> 01:28:59,912
Ted, hello? Ted?
1749
01:28:59,936 --> 01:29:01,313
What's the matter?
Is he okay?
1750
01:29:01,771 --> 01:29:03,481
I don't know.
Where is he?
1751
01:29:03,649 --> 01:29:05,483
I don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.
1752
01:29:06,193 --> 01:29:07,627
Can you call him back?
1753
01:29:07,653 --> 01:29:08,863
No, it's blocked.
1754
01:29:10,029 --> 01:29:11,114
Wait a second.
1755
01:29:15,161 --> 01:29:17,369
Go. Take Columbus to Herald
and get on the expressway.
1756
01:29:21,125 --> 01:29:23,502
You put us in
quite a pickle here.
1757
01:29:23,711 --> 01:29:25,171
We have to go now.
1758
01:29:25,296 --> 01:29:26,713
Yeah. Good idea.
1759
01:29:29,175 --> 01:29:31,176
You F-ing A-hole.
1760
01:29:57,328 --> 01:30:01,556
We tried to make do
with other teddy bears,
1761
01:30:01,582 --> 01:30:03,208
but none of them
were you, Ted.
1762
01:30:07,128 --> 01:30:08,756
Hello, 911?
1763
01:30:08,881 --> 01:30:10,173
I need the police
right away.
1764
01:30:10,341 --> 01:30:12,342
This guy took
my teddy bear.
1765
01:30:13,135 --> 01:30:14,177
Hello?
1766
01:30:17,055 --> 01:30:19,225
Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!
1767
01:30:20,643 --> 01:30:21,685
I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.
1768
01:30:21,935 --> 01:30:22,994
I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.
1769
01:30:23,020 --> 01:30:25,189
I bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!
1770
01:30:25,396 --> 01:30:27,332
I am a citizen of
the United States of America
1771
01:30:27,358 --> 01:30:28,734
and I have rights!
1772
01:30:31,487 --> 01:30:33,029
Robert, seatbelt.
1773
01:30:33,988 --> 01:30:35,865
It should be
right here, somewhere.
1774
01:30:40,162 --> 01:30:41,204
Johnny!
1775
01:30:41,788 --> 01:30:44,291
Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!
1776
01:30:50,546 --> 01:30:51,590
Stay with them.
1777
01:30:59,555 --> 01:31:00,599
Hang on!
1778
01:31:18,617 --> 01:31:19,909
Back off, Susan Boyle!
1779
01:31:25,123 --> 01:31:27,208
Oh, my God! He's going to jump!
Get closer.
1780
01:31:32,171 --> 01:31:34,007
All right, easy.
Come on, Ted.
1781
01:31:37,594 --> 01:31:38,679
Shit!
Yes!
1782
01:31:38,970 --> 01:31:41,407
Hey, Johnny!
Total T. J. Hooker, right?
1783
01:31:41,431 --> 01:31:42,682
Yes! Fucking-A right!
1784
01:31:46,270 --> 01:31:47,395
Oh, shit!
1785
01:31:52,609 --> 01:31:53,609
Go! Go! Go!
1786
01:32:06,457 --> 01:32:07,750
Daddy!
1787
01:32:09,792 --> 01:32:11,670
Let's see how well
you know these streets.
1788
01:32:13,630 --> 01:32:14,672
Where is he?
1789
01:32:35,485 --> 01:32:36,612
Jesus!
1790
01:32:49,082 --> 01:32:50,333
There he is.
Pull over.
1791
01:33:23,908 --> 01:33:24,952
Where?
1792
01:33:27,037 --> 01:33:28,305
No!
1793
01:33:28,329 --> 01:33:32,417
You can't have
my teddy bear!
1794
01:33:38,881 --> 01:33:40,442
Holy shit.
1795
01:33:40,466 --> 01:33:41,568
Sorry.
1796
01:33:41,592 --> 01:33:43,554
Somebody had to go Joan
Crawford on that kid.
1797
01:33:43,845 --> 01:33:45,389
Come on.
1798
01:33:50,060 --> 01:33:51,228
Ted?
1799
01:33:57,943 --> 01:33:59,069
Oh, my God!
1800
01:34:02,280 --> 01:34:03,323
Shit!
1801
01:34:29,432 --> 01:34:30,475
Jesus.
1802
01:34:30,766 --> 01:34:32,685
Stay here. Just stay there!
No, John!
1803
01:34:43,988 --> 01:34:45,532
You're mine, Ted!
1804
01:34:45,865 --> 01:34:48,426
Screw you, pal.
I belong to John Bennett.
1805
01:34:48,452 --> 01:34:52,122
But I can give you love,
and rocking horses,
1806
01:34:52,747 --> 01:34:54,291
and dancing.
1807
01:34:54,582 --> 01:34:57,043
I think we're very
far apart on this.
1808
01:35:17,396 --> 01:35:19,106
Ted!
Johnny!
1809
01:36:07,154 --> 01:36:08,215
Oh, my God!
1810
01:36:08,239 --> 01:36:09,490
Ted!
1811
01:36:11,784 --> 01:36:12,868
John.
1812
01:36:13,537 --> 01:36:15,372
Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.
1813
01:36:20,877 --> 01:36:22,337
Johnny.
1814
01:36:22,546 --> 01:36:24,314
You're going to be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?
1815
01:36:24,338 --> 01:36:25,590
You're going to be fine.
1816
01:36:26,425 --> 01:36:29,569
Jesus, I look like
the robot from Aliens.
1817
01:36:29,594 --> 01:36:31,529
No, look at me, buddy.
1818
01:36:31,555 --> 01:36:33,055
I promise,
you're going to be okay.
1819
01:36:34,307 --> 01:36:36,768
I don't think so. I'm...
1820
01:36:38,770 --> 01:36:39,854
I'm in trouble.
1821
01:36:40,855 --> 01:36:41,898
I need...
1822
01:36:42,399 --> 01:36:43,899
I need to
tell you something.
1823
01:36:44,400 --> 01:36:45,569
What is it?
1824
01:36:47,820 --> 01:36:50,657
Don't ever lose her again.
1825
01:36:51,408 --> 01:36:53,577
She's the most important...
1826
01:36:56,037 --> 01:36:58,372
the most important
part of your life.
1827
01:37:00,375 --> 01:37:03,086
Even more than me.
1828
01:37:04,212 --> 01:37:06,756
She's your
thunder buddy now.
1829
01:37:07,923 --> 01:37:09,760
She's...
1830
01:37:52,676 --> 01:37:54,220
I got it.
1831
01:38:09,985 --> 01:38:12,171
Baby, I don't know if
this is going to work.
1832
01:38:12,197 --> 01:38:13,323
Please, just try.
1833
01:38:23,375 --> 01:38:25,042
Come on, buddy.
1834
01:39:11,547 --> 01:39:13,925
I'm so sorry.
1835
01:39:14,384 --> 01:39:17,220
You did everything
you could.
1836
01:39:17,929 --> 01:39:19,930
I'm so sorry.
1837
01:41:54,336 --> 01:41:55,353
Ted!
1838
01:41:55,377 --> 01:41:56,462
I'm alive, Johnny!
1839
01:41:56,630 --> 01:41:57,689
Oh, my God!
1840
01:41:57,713 --> 01:42:00,007
I'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!
1841
01:42:00,841 --> 01:42:01,885
You're back!
1842
01:42:02,092 --> 01:42:04,029
Yeah, I mean,
when you sewed me up
1843
01:42:04,054 --> 01:42:05,988
you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places
1844
01:42:06,014 --> 01:42:07,865
so I'm a little fucked up.
1845
01:42:07,890 --> 01:42:10,726
But will you take care of me
forever and ever?
1846
01:42:12,854 --> 01:42:14,913
I'm just kidding you. I
thought it would be funny
1847
01:42:14,939 --> 01:42:16,524
if you thought
I was fucking retarded.
1848
01:42:16,899 --> 01:42:18,068
You asshole!
1849
01:42:18,484 --> 01:42:20,403
Come here, you bastard.
1850
01:42:23,573 --> 01:42:24,948
Welcome back, Ted.
1851
01:42:27,661 --> 01:42:28,703
It was you.
1852
01:42:29,953 --> 01:42:30,997
You did it.
1853
01:42:31,456 --> 01:42:32,832
Son of a bitch!
1854
01:42:33,332 --> 01:42:35,001
You wished for
my life back.
1855
01:42:35,251 --> 01:42:37,545
No. No.
1856
01:42:37,753 --> 01:42:39,546
I wished for my life back.
1857
01:42:52,310 --> 01:42:53,353
I love you.
1858
01:42:53,770 --> 01:42:55,479
I love you, too.
1859
01:42:57,481 --> 01:43:00,417
And I want you to know that,
after last night
1860
01:43:00,443 --> 01:43:03,546
I don't ever want to lose anyone
who matters to me ever again.
1861
01:43:03,570 --> 01:43:05,864
I'm not going to wait any
longer for my life to start.
1862
01:43:06,865 --> 01:43:08,326
Lori,
1863
01:43:09,703 --> 01:43:11,203
will you marry me?
1864
01:43:12,872 --> 01:43:15,625
All I ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.
1865
01:43:20,713 --> 01:43:25,510
And so John, Lori and Ted
lived happily ever after.
1866
01:43:25,801 --> 01:43:30,681
Having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other.
1867
01:43:33,016 --> 01:43:36,162
John and Lori were
married in Cambridge
1868
01:43:36,186 --> 01:43:39,481
by a very special
Justice of the Peace.
1869
01:43:40,149 --> 01:43:42,961
By the power vested in me
1870
01:43:42,985 --> 01:43:45,988
by the New York Jets
1871
01:43:46,113 --> 01:43:50,118
and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo,
1872
01:43:50,243 --> 01:43:54,096
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
1873
01:43:54,122 --> 01:43:56,416
You may kiss the bride,
Johnny.
1874
01:44:14,934 --> 01:44:17,936
Hi. Tom Skerritt.
1875
01:44:18,354 --> 01:44:19,855
Tom Skerritt! Wow!
1876
01:44:20,314 --> 01:44:22,625
Thanks so much for coming.
1877
01:44:22,649 --> 01:44:25,862
My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.
1878
01:44:27,029 --> 01:44:30,073
I am so fake-happy
for her.
1879
01:45:17,872 --> 01:45:21,266
You know, Sam, there's only
one way to end a perfect day.
1880
01:45:21,292 --> 01:45:22,310
What's that?
1881
01:45:22,335 --> 01:45:23,478
Flash jump.
1882
01:45:23,502 --> 01:45:25,188
Right.
1883
01:45:25,212 --> 01:45:28,216
One, two, three!
1884
01:45:28,382 --> 01:45:30,234
Yeah!
1885
01:45:34,305 --> 01:45:38,117
And that's the story
of how one magical wish
1886
01:45:38,141 --> 01:45:42,564
forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.
1887
01:45:42,980 --> 01:45:47,752
Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their
torrid love affair for quite some time.
1888
01:45:47,777 --> 01:45:51,130
One afternoon, Ted was caught
behind the deli counter
1889
01:45:51,154 --> 01:45:54,676
eating potato salad off of
Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.
1890
01:45:54,701 --> 01:45:58,121
He was instantly
promoted to store manager.
1891
01:45:58,496 --> 01:46:00,806
Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood
1892
01:46:00,832 --> 01:46:03,518
with the goal of
restarting his film career.
1893
01:46:03,542 --> 01:46:05,520
He currently
resides in Burbank
1894
01:46:05,545 --> 01:46:07,421
where he shares
a studio apartment
1895
01:46:08,338 --> 01:46:09,899
with his roommate,
Brandon Routh.
1896
01:46:09,923 --> 01:46:13,694
Remember Brandon Routh from
that God-awful Superman movie?
1897
01:46:13,720 --> 01:46:15,238
Jesus Christ!
1898
01:46:15,262 --> 01:46:19,141
Thanks for getting our hopes up
and taking a giant shit on us.
1899
01:46:19,516 --> 01:46:22,787
Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.
1900
01:46:22,811 --> 01:46:25,789
Not long afterward, he fell
into a deep depression
1901
01:46:25,814 --> 01:46:28,150
and died of
Lou Gehrig's disease.
1902
01:46:28,609 --> 01:46:31,170
Donny was arrested
by Boston police
1903
01:46:31,194 --> 01:46:34,006
and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.
1904
01:46:34,032 --> 01:46:36,634
The charges were dropped
when everyone realized
1905
01:46:36,658 --> 01:46:39,162
how completely stupid
that sounded.
1906
01:46:39,621 --> 01:46:43,099
Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight
1907
01:46:43,123 --> 01:46:44,475
and went on to become
1908
01:46:44,500 --> 01:46:46,543
Taylor Lautner.
138995
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
